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I Can Relate :
Former Waywards not in Reconciliation

Topic is Sleeping.
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 6:16 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

I understand Poppy. I have been there myself.

It's weird but those situations I experienced in this forum ended up helping me in the end. I have learned to realize that what people say about you is often just about them. Not in a negative way, it's just where you are in your journey is effecting, triggering, or whatever word you want to use where they are in theirs.

It rarely bothers me any more. I focus on the positives I get from the site and while I might bristle now and again, I think I finally learned to "take what I need and leave the rest".

Your situation is very unique to you, but when you post some do not realize what it is, they only project what they know about their own. Again, that's just not a statement about you. It takes some time to not feel personally towards it.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5921   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8600919
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 10:59 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

I get what you’re saying, Poppy. I didn’t take it as you were suggesting I leave.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6312   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8601042
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 2:20 AM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

There’s other changes I’m interested in but it all requires patience.

its true, all we have is time to sort this out and that does require patience. And its hard because of course instant gratification is appealing and a quick fix would be welcoming.

This past year has been one of the hardest aside from the first year after dday. I feel like it would have been so easy to fall back into my old comforts and coping. None of which is even slightly healthy. The pull was real and a battle in and of itself.

Self talk was EVERYTHING.

I'm only just now in a place that letting go and moving on feels right. I mean really its my only choice but there is alignment within to back it up. Acceptance was hard work. This new normal takes adjustment especially when everything in me fought against it.

I still have moments when I think to myself I wish things were different but that takes me backwards and I've already committed myself way back when that no way can I go backwards, especially not now when I can't unlearn the things that have gotten me this far. Like thats the shit I've been working for all this time, that real lasting, sustainable change that has overwritten the old. It would feel completely out of place to allow myself any form of regression.

And at the same time I feel like, and maybe others can relate but I can't just find myself completely comfortable with this new normal either. But I mean that completely separate from my progress. Like I'm in an unification period of the two. I dunno hard to explain. Not sure if I can adequately explain as I don't exactly have it all nailed down myself.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2515   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8601099
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 4:59 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

I still have moments when I think to myself I wish things were different but that takes me backwards and I've already committed myself way back when that no way can I go backwards

Yup. I’m really struggling with this right now- Feeling resentments that need to be recognized as worthless now: Thinking about problems she felt and couldn’t articulate, and my inability to do the same with my own misperceptions...

All resolving to the point that I have to live with how I acted on those distortions, and view the past as two individual and out of synch timelines- I certainly failed on being all in on R, and that is why I am here. But there were times where I was all in on the M, and it didn’t feel like she was at the time, it would be interesting to know how she viewed such times, but it’s not a discussion we’re going to have.

ETA: I know that the above doesn’t mean she wasn’t all in. My perceptions are justifiably questionable. But I don’t know what she was thinking, and it’s bugging me too much as of late.

[This message edited by JBWD at 11:23 PM, October 25th (Sunday)]

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8602041
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 6:46 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

I don’t know what she was thinking, and it’s bugging me too much as of late.

I think people naturally crave closure, we like when things come full circle because there's an ending or answers. Its like one perpetual cliffhanger otherwise. We tend to ruminate and overthink, and left with an unknown we spend a lot of time and energy on it.

There is a lot that I would obviously LOVE the answers and whys to, sadly I'll just never know.

I think the question we have to ask ourselves is, would it change anything having those answers? I mean I know you are curious regardless, as am I with my own questions.

I have to go about with accepting that I'll never know and thats okay too. Not my desired way but its my only option and I have to accept that too. I guess the theme is acceptance all around.

I am slowly getting comfortable with moving on. And after some thought over the weekend on my issues with guilt, I think really its just the remorse I still have over my cheating and the destruction it caused. So its refreshing to have a different view. I can handle my remorse because it serves me, guilt not so much. And its helpful for the closure I'll have to find that typically comes from within anyway.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2515   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8602241
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 7:23 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

I can handle my remorse because it serves me.

This is a helpful thought and helps me articulate better how I feel.

I don't have a lot of answers for you JWBD, but I have observed you struggle a lot with this in the forum too. I think you kept hanging your hopes on any action she would make and you have been coming from a place where you are reacting. Think about being proactive. Healing is not contingent on another person or their actions. If we base ourselves completely in their actions then we do nothing but react. If we base ourselves in figuring out what we want moving forward then we are taking our power back and we are in control over our own lives. This is something I am coming to terms with personally right now.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:24 PM, October 26th (Monday)]

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5921   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8602253
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 10:10 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

If we base ourselves in figuring out what we want moving forward then we are taking our power back and we are in control over our own lives.

Yes. The problem is the one thing that I know I want isn’t gonna happen. My reactivity fuels that because we still communicate sporadically, and so I don’t know what/when that communication will be like, or when. I have thought about how/when this boundary occurs, and it’s still not a door I want to close. But I do wrestle with the increasingly prevalent sense that this and real healing are mutually exclusive.

In the meantime I continue to have to resolve that what I want my future to look like ALSO is in conflict with my current situation. I’m continuing to reframe as best I can but it’s slow-going and I need to be patient. And in that process, you’re right, I am still reactive.

I appreciate the reinforcement on this, I haven’t had time for IC while away in AK for the past month, so I think we’re going to take some time to make a quick assessment on where I am and how to incorporate what I DO know...

[This message edited by JBWD at 7:00 PM, October 26th (Monday)]

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8602309
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Neanderthal ( member #71141) posted at 12:50 PM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

If we base ourselves in figuring out what we want moving forward then we are taking our power back and we are in control over our own lives.

Does "what we want moving forward" have to be a long term goal? Like JBWD, I want things that aren't possible and seeing long term doesn't seem possible for me yet. So in the meantime is it ok to want to be ok in my own skin today, then the next day, and so on? Like AA, one day at a time kind of thing. I don't know, maybe that's stupid.

I completely understand the reactive thing too. I never know when the next text is coming, or what to do with it. Or how Im going to let it affect me.

Me: WS/BS
XW: Lifedestroyer (LD)

posts: 433   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8602464
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Poppy704 ( member #62532) posted at 1:45 PM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

Neanderthal & JBWD: Baby steps! You don’t have to have a bright shiny ten year plan. Think in terms of what you can do now, today, that leads you to being the healthy person you’d like to be. Make the space you’re living in conducive to a balance between productive and relaxed. Strengthen your family relationships by having real conversations. Do something that makes you proud of yourself, not because others admire it, but just because it makes you feel that way.

posts: 428   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8602482
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 2:07 PM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

I want things that aren't possible and seeing long term doesn't seem possible for me yet. So in the meantime is it ok to want to be ok in my own skin today, then the next day, and so on?

Yes, of course. I mean I am by no means any expert at this...obviously. But, when I said it to JWBD it's because he keeps watching for signs of hope with his wife and I think that's very unhelpful for him moving forward.

As for working on yourself, and your vision for your life, that's always going to be a work in progress.

But, you both have in common the thing that is going to have to be reckoned with (and I am not rushing you) and that is neither of you really want to detach from your wife/ex-wife. And, I am not saying you should or shouldn't in a blanketed way Your situations are different from one another but in some ways you are doing the same thing.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5921   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8602491
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 2:52 PM on Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

So in the meantime is it ok to want to be ok in my own skin today, then the next day, and so on? 

Not stupid at all. You know not everyone is equipped with the knowledge to handle this shit or know how to go about it. Neanderthal, there isn't a quick fix and you are only at the beginning of your work.

One of the first things I did was reevaluate my values. I made a list of 10 values that are true to me. Then I was conscious of these and made choices to uphold them one day at a time. One circumstance at a time. One thought at a time.

To be okay in your own skin you have to make authenticity a priority. What is authentic to yourself may not be to the next so really think about what makes you, you. And live up to it. Quiet the noise (fears) that fuck with your peace.

Let go of tomorrow and be present today.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2515   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8602506
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 8:46 PM on Wednesday, October 28th, 2020

Yup. Reckoning is the best way to put it perhaps.

I am healing. And I am certainly reactive in this regard- But I don’t believe this is keeping me from healing, inasmuch as it’s slowing me down. I’m ok with that, this is where I am. And I am in no position to complain (even though I guess I AM here...), I’m just thinking out loud about a bit.

I am much closer to the values I have worked through, not unlike what you describe, foreverlabeled- Covey has you write a personal mission statement, which I am readdressing in conjunction with increased affirmation via my step workbooks, etc. All to say my doom and gloom feels less consistent. But those values I think may be in conflict with what is viable for a chunk of the near term, mostly tied to concessions that are necessary in light of cost of living.

Like I said, I just don’t know when I’m going to be ready to close this door- Though it’s pretty firmly shut from the other side, so what AM I doing?

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8603004
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 4:16 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

I know holidays tend to be hard for us. Especially that particular one where you're supposed to be thankful and for some it's not exactly tangible when we experience difficult feeling for what we've damaged and lost.

I spent the day with my family, my wonderful parents and my son. I found much to be thankful for still and it was nice to be surrounded by their love.

We were originally going to cancel Thanksgiving due to COVID but my mama just couldn't bare it and collectively we decided to gather still, minus my sister and her family. They were missed.

Before our plans to go ahead with dinner, I mentioned to my DS that it was canceled. He is still in contact with my ex as its basically the only daddy he's ever known, he visits him and they still very much have a relationship. I guess DS told him about our canceled plans and ex asks DS if he wants to join him. I would have happily agreed. My ex in laws, the whole bunch are wonderful people who love DS as their own too.

Well that didn't happen because like mentioned we had ours anyway. But! To get to the point of this. DS is talking yesterday about this and that and brought up the would be dinner with him. I said something about not being able to visit with his cousins and nini, that he will be missed for sure.

He looks at me confused and said no we were going to go to his girlfriends house.

Oh.

While my heart did slightly drop. There were bigger feelings about it. First, I wasn't sure how I felt about DS being around someone I know nothing about, and sure its possible if he is confident enough to introduce DS to someone it must be serious, but what if its not? I don't known yet how to process those aspects as this was just yesterday's enlightenment.

But also, I found myself happy for ex. I want him to find happiness. I want him to be happy in a relationship not tainted by his spouse's infidelity. I know he was hurt when I left and so I would love to see that hurt mended and him to move on.

And so oddly enough, I found something to be thankful in the unexpected.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2515   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8612594
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 9:11 PM on Friday, November 27th, 2020

Foreverlabeled,

I too want my H to find happiness with someone else someday. I know I don’t make him happy—probably never did. We’ll be in each other’s lives in some way for life, especially having a special-needs child. I will never wish him unhappiness or animosity.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6312   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8612639
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 4:36 PM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

Why do I feel so stupid and embarrassed??

I just made a first ever! dating profile. It feels so awkward.

Putting yourself out there like that, talking about all your best qualities. I took a bit of an amusing route as I spoke of myself..but then that really shows a potential suitor a big part ofme. I'm always trying to make people laugh and well I think I'm funny. So.

But yeah. It all feels so dumb.

And then I keep staring at my profile pic and the longer I look at it, I think, do I really look like that??

I'm half tempted to take it down already

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2515   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8617127
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kairos ( member #65719) posted at 11:24 PM on Monday, December 21st, 2020

Wow, it's so nice to read all your comments here. I recognize so many names. Recovery continues or doesn't continue, regardless of what happened to the relationship. I want to gather some thoughts before I add to this commentary. But I'm glad to see this post.

"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone."

posts: 351   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Portland oregon
id 8618641
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 6:04 AM on Tuesday, December 22nd, 2020

Finally.

Finally cracked the code, to some degree.

Placing myself in continued pain, revisiting things that I’d destroyed. And I finally caught myself long enough to ask, “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

I then discovered- I still thought “looking sad” and feeling my hurt was going to change something/someone. And it’s not.

Also rediscovered this as a piece of a lifelong pattern of punishing myself, trying to beat others to the punch. Trying to defuse deserved anger/disappointment by trying to show that I had it worse- In childhood that was destroying prized possessions.

I now see the desire to control in all of it.

Grateful for perspective. Grateful to know it’s something I can keep from doing again so long as I remain honest with myself- Which feels more and more instinctual than it used to.

Exhales.

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8618745
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 2:53 PM on Tuesday, December 22nd, 2020

JBWD, I cannot tell you how refreshing it was to read your update. Hold on to this momentum. Keep going.

I now see the desire to control in all of it.

in my case, I always felt there was power in being able to control the situation or outcome. But in learning to let go, it gave me something that felt even better than that false sense of power.

I'm not sure I can even put a word to what that feeling is. But there was something reassuring about it, even a sense of sanity\comfort of all things. Idk. But you'll get used to letting go of that control and perhaps gain a shift in perspective and just know its ok.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2515   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8618806
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 4:21 AM on Wednesday, December 23rd, 2020

I'm not sure I can even put a word to what that feeling is.

Agreed. Relearning after months that I’m fresh in recovery still. A real kick into humility- Still fighting the embarrassment but I know this is honesty with my self. And it takes time.

[This message edited by JBWD at 10:23 PM, December 22nd (Tuesday)]

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8618977
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 12:01 AM on Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

Lots of goodness continuing forward. Finished my Fifth Step, which is sharing the “searching and fearless moral inventory” of fourth step with one other person. Took time and there were some interruptions, but several hours on the beach with a chaplain friend have helped pull some layers away.

Big takeaway, I don’t feel like I have to be afraid anymore. Fear of rejection and isolation is only a self-imposed barrier. And the connection and understanding that comes from the ability to talk about failures and regrets has been inspiring.

Grateful for an even greater sense of purpose and understanding.

TBH, biggest output that I see is increasing resolve to remove myself from limbo. STBXBW is afraid of financial uncertainty, and I can do whatever I can to help her manage, D or not. Beyond that I don’t know what delaying D does for either of us. I think it’s up for discussion. Much of the fear I described above has been hiding behind not discussing- That fear’s dwindling too.

[This message edited by JBWD at 6:06 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8621366
Topic is Sleeping.
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