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Newest Member: HedgehogCat

I Can Relate :
Former Waywards not in Reconciliation

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Neanderthal ( member #71141) posted at 1:35 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2021

JBWD, i'm a little late to respond. That encounter with your STBXW sounds like something good. Definitely better than a knock down drag out divorce. Be careful of hope though. As you know, continuing to let go of the outcome is best for both of you. No reason not to enjoy the good moments though.

ff452, i'm really sorry for your loss. I agree...FUCK CANCER! Can you think of a fun story you'd like to share about your sister? When my mom passed away, thinking about loving or funny memories helped me with the grief.

Me: WS/BS

posts: 439   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8654025
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 11:18 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

How is everyone doing?

Its summer and all sunshine here. We've had temps hanging out at in a beautiful mid 70s, humidity low. Yesterday evening I was hanging out in the backyard and it felt like fall. No real complaints here. Life has been kind to me lately.

Well...I did break my leg end of May, surgery early June. So dealing with that. In a hard cast with three weeks to go! I'm ready to walk again and be self sufficient. It can't come soon enough. I'm over it.

I've been staying with my boyfriend as he insisted, to better care for me. There's been some talk about making it permanent. We will see, he is absolutely perfect for me. But, I've thoroughly enjoyed my independence and I'm not sure I want to give up what I've made for myself just yet. It has been highly rewarding and fulfilling.

I know it's tough when you wanted R and it didn't work out for whatever reason. But, life goes on and there is happiness again. You might have to work for it, but its worth it.

posts: 2589   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8669236
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 SI Staff (original poster moderator #10) posted at 4:27 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

*Bump requested by JBWD*

posts: 10009   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8690438
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 5:35 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Wanted to see how everyone here is doing. How has this "more normal" year treated everyone?

D final next week, and I am doing very well, most notably have been spending time with a wonderful woman. Kids are enjoying time with her as well, as well as STBXW’s new beau.

Continuing with Step work, moving somewhat slowly but surely.

There’s a lot of days I remember doing terrible things, but grateful for the friends here and happy to allow myself joy and fulfillment as well.

Excited for what semblance of fall we get here in SoCal(!)

Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced

posts: 917   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8690450
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 1:51 PM on Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

Hi JBWD!

I'm glad to hear of your healing progress. I know you were having a rough go with the end of your M. I think a lot of us do. Grief is a season we go through, its healthy and needed. I know I needed a proper grieving period and I took full advantage of it to heal.

Being well on the other side of things it seems so far away now. I from time to time still mourn the end of my M, I hate the way it ended the hurtful things we did to each other and the closure I never received. Just to note I don't need closure it just prolonged the process. I know I said it here at least once a day, this shit is hard.

But, then it's not, and you live your life. A small reminder here and there, a stinging pinch if you dwell too long. We are essentially left with no choice but to move on. I used to feel extreme guilt for moving on, but it felt much like living in the land of the dead. I needed to come back for my own sanity. I'm glad I did.

I absolutely love fall, there is something about the energy in the air that only autumn seems to provide. My favorite fall quote is "Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall" I feel that.

posts: 2589   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8691805
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 8:52 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Your timing was perfect with this message- It perfectly captures the mood as I got the email yesterday telling me that as of today I am officially divorced.

To know that

1) I am working through my own shit. It’s my own and not having it in the first place would be preferred, but not an option. Can’t be proud but can be grateful that I have a way past it now.

2) I did not die in the process. I kept my wits and learned from mistakes I spent my life ignoring. XW also survived, which seemed impossible to me.

3) I continue to be surrounded by goodness. I can be grateful for it as long as I see it. And if I don’t see it I simply ask myself where I’m looking.

All told, feeling like a survivor is embarrassing because I survive myself. But a new perspective and the rewards of being alive trump that embarrassment a million times over.

[This message edited by JBWD at 8:53 PM, Thursday, October 7th]

Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced

posts: 917   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8692034
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 9:28 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Congratulations, JBWD. I know it’s not what you wanted, but I’m jealous.

I’m glad life is going well for you on the other side.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6412   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8692041
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 3:58 PM on Tuesday, March 29th, 2022

Hope 2022 going well for those here!

Thought I’d say hi, things going pretty well. My new relationship now a year in, building strongly.

Thought of my friends here when AP texted me from a new # last week- First attempt from her in 3 years. Immediately blocked and informed my partner- Which was scary, for sure. But she thanked me for being honest and understood that this does suck.

Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced

posts: 917   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8726638
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 5:11 AM on Wednesday, March 30th, 2022

Hey JWBD-

I hope it’s okay for me to post in here- I think we are moving towards R, if not R’d. But not many of us around from the older days and I do enjoy seeing the updates. How is your ex doing?

Just wanted to say hi, and glad to hear you sounding better and conducting your new relationship in a different way.

5 years of hard work
Reconciled
WS & BS

posts: 6203   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8726836
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 3:45 PM on Monday, April 4th, 2022

Glad you’re moving in a good direction H.O. Also glad to see you on here…

Ex is doing well it seems- She has been dating a guy and they just moved in, in fact. He has two kids so my youngest is excited for a "Brady situation"… shocked

Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced

posts: 917   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8727941
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doninvaun ( member #75329) posted at 7:38 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Hello, I'm hoping someone has gone through a similar experience that I'm in now, and can provide me with some advices/suggestions.

The situation I need help with is living as housemate but no R.

Dday was over 2 years ago, we're still separating in the same house due to various reasons but now I find this situation unbearable to cope with.

I've been in I/C for almost 2 years, I've done everything I possibly could trying help BS heal but there has not been much progress because BS simply refused to get help (I've begged BS to go to I/C just to help her deal with the trauma, I told her I respect her decision not wanting R and I'm not looking for marriage counselling, just wanting to help her heal but she refused). My Therapist has been telling me for awhile now that I should throw in the towel as there's nothing else that I could do to help the situation.

On 1 hand, BS insisted that we're now just housemates, there's no R, no relationship, just 2 estranged people sharing a house; but on the other hand, BS still getting frequent triggers and berated me every time it happens; and she also makes everything else difficult for me, she admitted that she just want to do everything possible to make my life miserable. For the past 2 years I've been extremely patience to take in all the outburst (sometimes physical), and everything else (things that my Therapist would considered as abuses that I should oppose but I just choose to let them go); I guess part of me was hoping that her pain would slowly heal over time and she would eventually consider R; but now I've come accept that it will never happen, and all I want is just some peace but it's extremely difficult in this living arrangement.

Has anyone successfully been able to share a house with the BS peacefully but not in R?

[This message edited by doninvaun at 7:42 PM, Tuesday, July 19th]

posts: 67   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8745414
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 9:51 PM on Saturday, October 15th, 2022

Doninvaun,
Any updates on this? Just read this and hoping that there has been some change for everyone’s sake.

Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced

posts: 917   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8759771
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doninvaun ( member #75329) posted at 5:12 PM on Friday, October 21st, 2022

Hello JBWD,
Thanks for your care and concern, I really appreciate it. Unfortunately, there's no good news to update.
There were suggestions/warnings that this situation (living as roommate, no R) would not work, either Reconcile or go separate ways.
My wife was very adamant since Dday that she did not want to reconcile, but I was hoping her pain would ease over time and she would eventually agrees to reconcile. I've been in IC for 2 years, I've been doing everything to make her feel safe, to show her my remorse and that I'm committed to do everything needed to repair our marriage, but I was wrong. After 2.5 years, it's getting worse, not better; I've begged her many times in 2.5 years to go to IC to help her heal (not to reconcile), but she still refused, and it looks like her pain has transformed into hatred and resentment.
It's now obvious to me why I can't find anything that "I can relate" to, living as roommate without R just simply is NOT possible.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8761568
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 3:27 AM on Monday, October 24th, 2022

That’s tough to hear- Sorry for both of you.

Propose that in light of this, you continue to evaluate what you want to accomplish.

I know folks have frequently asked what the situation is that makes this your only option, and I won’t spend the time pushing for that information.

I believe that it’s time to really genuinely examine what the way forward is- While what you describe is the picture-perfect WS getting it and working for R, the one person who would need to believe that doesn’t. A great friend really clicked the situation for me when he very simply explained to me that if two parties don’t want to R, then R is not an option.

Letting go is life’s work, and we as waywards are especially ill-equipped to do so. But you can only control your actions and decisions here, and expecting change at this point seems to be doing you harm. Wishing you strength.

Me: WH (Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)Married 14 years Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter6 months HB, broken NC, TT Divorced

posts: 917   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8761838
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doninvaun ( member #75329) posted at 7:29 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

A great friend really clicked the situation for me when he very simply explained to me that if two parties don’t want to R, then R is not an option.


That's so true, now I realize that a successful R requires both parties to be committed to make it work. A few weeks into my IC, my Therapist suggested me to let go but I couldn't, I was hoping her pain would ease over time and she eventually would consider R, but I guess I was wrong.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8762684
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