I won’t say she’s cheating. I wont go that far.
I tend to be reluctant in adding to our club. If there is a chance of this not being an affair I would probably be pointing to those factors. But what is definite is that there are a LOT of indicators that support something is going on. Enough to warrant that you get assurance.
There is a reason you found us. There is doubt in your mind. If you can honestly say that the actions over the last couple of days have 100% satisfied you and you are 100% assured there is nothing going on, well good for you. Move on.
But if there is even 1% of doubt that percent will fester and swell. It will grow more interest and eventually destroy your marriage – irrespective of infidelity or not.
The truth will set you free. Free to divorce, free to reconcile, free to deal with your insecurities IF she isn’t cheating.
I’m a former cop. In the academy one of my instructors often said something like: When you hear the beating of hooves in the distance you think horses, not zebras. That quote can be understood in a couple of ways:
If I was responding to a burglary-call late afternoon and about 200 yards from the site I met a group of young men carrying bags running in the opposite direction I could assume they were involved and would be justified in detaining them. At the same time if I met a middle-aged person in training gear jogging away from the site, I could assume they were not involved and be justified in going on to the scene. But in both cases I could be wrong although experience would probably have me right in both instances. For all I know the young men were running to catch a bus. For all I know the spandex-covered exercise freak might be the burglar. Maybe I heard hooves and caught horses, maybe I heard hooves and was surprised by zebras.
In you case there are a number of factors that strongly indicate infidelity:
The evenings together are unhealthy. A social pattern of drinking with work-mates every Friday for 2-4 hours isn’t good. In itself that’s not infidelity, but it creates a proximity and environment where actions and emotions possibly founded at work can be developed over a drink.
Is it always the same group? Do all attend? Does Sue in bookkeeping who has a 5-year old at home go every Friday and stay all the time? How about Peter who wants to go home and take his wife out for dinner? Who are the constant factors in this meet? If the constants include W and Boss… Although not infidelity it can be a strong factor towards infidelity.
The evening/night spent at OM home. This is a big red flag. Now I not only hear the hooves, but smell the horse-shit too.
Why? Why not put in a taxi home? Why didn’t boss or boss wife phone you to pick her up?
If she crashed out on the couch, then can the boss wife confirm it? After all – IMHO the ONLY mitigating factor is if his wife was at home.
Fortunately for you this is the part you can validate. I can give you two ways to validate her story. There is the better way (the one I recommend) and there is the worse way:
Phone the OMW and ask her. Just be honest. “Hi. I’m uncomfortable about that night my wife slept at your house. I’m worried about her drinking to that level. Could you confirm that she was too drunk to get home safely?”
IF OMW was there and was aware of your W being there then I would feel a bit safer. MAYBE the animals rounding the corner are black and white.
The worse way: “Hi. Remember that night Sue slept on your couch? Well… we can’t find a necklace I once gave her. Is it possibly lost in the couch?”
The hotel. Wow… That has me hearing the hooves, smelling the shit and seeing something brown rounding the corner.
There can be some logical reasons for boss to want to work completely off-site, but they are far and deep. Like if he’s hiring a competitor, or selling the company or some act that needs to be kept completely secret. But those reasons are the zebras rather than the horses.
Your wife spending at least an hour… why? Can she tell you what she was doing for an hour that was so secretive boss needed a hotel-room yet she was in on? It just doesn’t make sense.
What you know from her admission is that she was at the hotel for 3 hours (1 in room and 2 in massage).
Yet you don’t have anything other than her word for the validity of the massage-claim or the time spent at each.
I get it that where you are there are a lot of hotels and a lot of spas. Where I live there are a lot of gas-stations. Doesn’t mean I pull in and fill up at all of them…
When your wife goes to work does she spend time getting ready? My wife spends time every morning doing stuff to her face and hair that I might not understand but certainly appreciate. If we go to a massage or the gym together, I usually spend 10-15 minutes longer before showering and changing back and am generally STILL ahead of her. She might have a small bag in her purse that she calls her maintenance kit, but at the gym she needs a larger bag for all the stuff.
So if your wife is walking past the spa at the hotel her boss is working… Would she drop in for a 2 hour massage (the time is relevant) and then just pop on the same clothes without make-up, body-cream and all that stuff? Did she have her toiletries with her? If so then why?
To me – if she didn’t have her toiletries then a two hour massage (that’s A LONG TIME for a shoulder massage) is a zebra.
If she brought her big bag of tricks with her to a hotel-meeting with boss… that too would be a big red flag.
There is simply too much.
You ask for a smoking gun. You have it.
What you need is who pulled the trigger and who is the victim.
Some things (other than talk to OM wife as suggested above):
Have her hand over her phone NOW. No time to delete or change.
Talk to her and explain how unreasonable the excuses are. They might be true, but what can she do to assure you? Like would she be willing to go to the spa and point out the masseur?
What was the boss doing in a hotel? Does he do this regularly? What does your wife know about that (after all – he asked her to come over).
What did she come over for? If he needs privacy to go over something then is she such a kingpin as to be required to his site?
[This message edited by Bigger at 10:16 AM, October 4th (Sunday)]