Right now, there are threads here on the first page of the JFO forum from men questioning if their wives are having an affair or not. You can see on those threads and on nearly ALL threads where men have that question that I tread very carefully. I am extremely reluctant to call out infidelity unless there is enough evidence to convince me. If you cared to look up my advice on comparable posts, you will see I am consistent on that: I want to be convinced before I call out infidelity.
On my very first post on your situation I stated.
Based on what you share then yes. There are more red flags than you normally see in a Chinese parade. None of us can tell you with 100% conviction she’s cheating, but if your description was a weather report, I would be wearing rain-gear and preparing for the storm.
Friend – it is POURING! The hurricane has hit!
Based purely on what you share I am convinced your wife and the boss are having an affair.
So, the co-workers confirm they think something is going on. I take it none said so directly. Well… remember what I shared about human behavior and the reluctance to be the bearer of bad news? If they did not have suspicions or only light suspicion, they wouldn’t share that there is something going on. It’s like when someone doesn’t want to tell you they know there is an affair going on, but suggest you look carefully at your wife’s behavior or say that they THINK something is going on… They are telling you in a way where they avoid being the direct bearers of bad news.
The wife was not in country at the time and had come back a few weeks after.
Wait a minute… So, the night your wife staid at his house his wife was not there?
The boss that lives close enough to you so you can see when he came home?
That is the second KNOWN instance of unaccounted time. The hotel and now the night at the boss house. There was a sliver of doubt about the night at his house due to the wife being there, but if she wasn’t in the country… well…
I was also questioning the logic behind renting a hotel room to do work. Having spent a good part of my life on the road I know even good business hotels don’t offer quality office-accommodations in the rooms. A usable desk and chair – nothing fancy but usable for an hour’s work. The boss had so many other better options for privacy IMHO. Probably including working from home. Only his wife is in the country… Could you confirm that the boss wife was in the country when boss was at the hotel-room?
Everything is plausible… MAYBE WW slept on the couch, MAYBE OM rented the hotel for work, MAYBE WW took a 2-hour massage mid-workday. But I think there is enough here to have that smoking gun, shell casings and the victim – namely you.
Can I ask what it is you are waiting for? What changes in February?
What is it you WANT? If infidelity is a total deal-breaker for you then IMHO you have enough. It’s not as if from now to February she will come clean or you will get more than you already have. If your plan is to simply leave, you have enough already. It’s better to plan that leaving in the open IMHO.
If you want a shot at saving the marriage… A 100% non-negotiable part is that the affair be over. Without confrontation and ACTIONS that won’t happen.
First phone OM wife. Ask her if her husband has told her that your wife spent the night there. Don’t mention infidelity directly – in fact repeat what your WW said about the couch. Then ask her if she knew her husband had rented a hotel room “for work” and your WW has admitted to spending at least an hour in that room. You know she spent 3 in the hotel. See what her reaction will be.
Stop asking if she has had an affair. Simply state you KNOW.
Let her know that until and unless she tells you she wants the marriage you are simply assuming she has chosen the infidelity, and you don’t share your wife. She’s free to be with him as much as she wants but not as your wife. That you will imitate the steps towards terminating the marriage and if possible, you two can find a way to be amicable until that process is over.
[This message edited by Bigger at 7:36 PM, November 13th (Friday)]