Topic is Sleeping.
usaskiteam (original poster New Member #75562) posted at 11:02 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
My wife and I have both been divorced. We have been together for less than ten years and have been married for over 1. At the start of this yearsI started to notice she was paying more attention than usual to her work boss. Nothing too crazy, just from my observations, a bit more than usual. Her boss is not at all the type of guy she would go for. And I am in shape and attractive. Our sex life is great and we have good chemistry
The the first coincidence happened. She goes out to the bar next to her work with her work colleagues most friday nights for a couple hours. I was advised they talk about work, so it is best I not attend. I know the group she works with. Though a couple months ago she went to a club with her work friends after the bar and didn't come home until 6am. Her boss lives not too far from us and I noticed when she hadnt been home her boss had gotten home about 1-2am. Come to find out she went home with him and fell asleep on his couch and didn't realise until 6am when she came home. Thats the first instance.
Then a month or so after that, i noticed on our vehicle tracker, the car was parked at a hotel. I inquired and found out her boss had a room there. She claims she only went there to drop off some paper work (1hr) he was working on in solitude and then she had a massage at the hotel (2hr). Though, the spa didn't record her as having a massage. She cant explain why she was there for three hours and sticks to her story.
I deeply love her and dont want to believe she is having an affair but i am lost. She continues to stick to her story that nothing happened and that I am overreacting. and refuses to talk further about the instances.
What are your thoughts, am I over-reacting or am I in the right to consider that there is something going on.
src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 11:21 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
Wow, you are under-reacting. She fell asleep on her boss's couch and you are buying that? If you want more proof, get a PI immediately. But, I would bust her right now. I would also tell her if she doesn't come clean, you will be attending the next Friday night get together and you will also have a little talk with her boss. She will probably start with TT, but based on your story, I would be quite surprised that she has not screwed him several times. I am sorry to be so blunt, but your story points to only one conclusion. I am a BS whose ex-wife cheated twice. Lot's of lying. Wasted six years. You will have to face the music sometime. Might as well get it over with. Prepare yourself, don't fall for any bull crap. I did for a long time but I always returned to reality and reality pointed to my ex-wife's affairs. Work affairs are quite common, especially between bosses and subordinates. I would ask her why she wants to stay married? I would not let her off the hook. Keep prying, she will break. But if you just don't want to confront her, minimally get a PI. Sorry, I apologize for my bluntness, but I get emotional when I see obvious signs of cheating and the BS is in denial. Finally, any spouse not hiding anything would literally bend over backward to assure the other spouse that nothing is going on. Your wife is not doing that. Another red flag.
[This message edited by src9043 at 5:52 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]
sad12008 ( Member #18179) posted at 11:22 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
Hi usaskiteam, sorry you're here but glad you found us!
I see a huge red flag in the whole, "2 hour massage at a random hotel" storyline. I don't know where you live, but most anyone I know schedules these things in advance and usually at a private place, not at a hotel.
Why was her boss in a room in a hotel? That seems very odd....this is the same boss you said lives not too far from you? Unless his house is being tented for termites, I find that a question that needs answering.
I think a mistake many of us have made is to think because someone else isn't very attractive, or not our WS (wandering spouse)'s *type*, that's a point in the "likely not cheating" column. However, don't believe it. You'd be amazed. Or not. Look at who Arnold Schwartenegger cheated with. Look who Tiger Woods cheated with. Jay-Z had Beyoncé at home! BEYONCÉ!!
I'm sorry, but from what you wrote, I'd be highly suspect. Do some digging.
You can't fill a cup with no bottom.
This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 11:30 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
Sorry you have a reason to come here.
I'm taller, better looking, and make more money than my WW's AP.
That shit has nothing to do with it in many cases.
She is most likely cheating on you. She is lying to you. She will only cop to what you have specific evidence for.
You should decide if cheating is an absolute dealbreaker for you or not. If it is, proceed with divorce.
If it isn't, you should get some things from her:
1) Complete transparency. A timeline of her affair with her boss. Access to all her email and phone. No more lies. No trickle truth. The complete story.
2) No contact with her AP. She needs to find a new job. You can also expose the affair to HR.
3) Therapy for her and therapy for you. NOT marriage counseling. It really isn't meant for people actively engaging or recently in an affair.
Make sure you take care of your physical health too. Eat well. Drink water. Exercise. Keep up your personal hygiene.
I wish you the best in your journey out of infidelity.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 11:31 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
You are not over reacting. Trust your gut. So many red flags. Many that a lot of us here on SI experienced. Don't go for Friday drinks because it's boring is really "I don't want you to come for drinks on Friday so I can have fun". Fell asleep on the bosses couch - sure. 3 hour gap just delivering papers to the boss at a hotel room - convenient.
There is much more here than you even realize. Not over reacting.
BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020
GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 11:35 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
There is no overreacting to this.
She's cheating. Period.
Maybehurtforever ( Member #71382) posted at 11:37 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
You are not overreacting at all. Brace yourself because when this crap hits, it hits hard. You have giant red flags. Trust your instincts and try and get a plan of action together now while you still have your wits about you. Suspecting an affair is miserable but confirming it is gut wrenching. Please take care of yourself and keep posting. This site has been a lifesaver for so many including me. I don't post often but I read almost everything.
Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 11:39 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
I can say, 1000%, you are not overreacting!!
As well, don’t discount her boss’ looks, age, anything. I’m sure some betrayed women can chime in, it isn’t all about looks or type.
I would go into detective mode, gather information, and play it cool. A voice activated recorder in her car might be a good idea.
This might be all coincidence, but I’ve been here about 5 years and can say we have seen this story many times. Only once have I seen it be innocent.
src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 11:42 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
One more point. Once the affair is out in the open and you both don't want to immediately end the marriage, demand she sits for a polygraph in order to flesh out any prior affairs. If she refuses, file for divorce. If either party has doubts about continuing with the marriage, I would move immediately for divorce. You have been married for only one year.
99problems ( Member #59373) posted at 11:45 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
Not an over reaction. An under reaction.
I hate to say it but my money would be on cheating
Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,
staystrong101 ( Member #41068) posted at 11:54 PM on Tuesday, September 29th, 2020
Absolutely deep into an affair. Fell asleep on her boss’s couch (who lives very close to you)? Really?? I’m sorry.
allusions ( Member #25376) posted at 12:02 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
Since her boss lives fairly close to you, why didn't she come home that night? (how did you find out he came home at 1-2 am by the way?)
The hotel story stinks so much I can smell it through my computer. If she can't prove she had a massage, then it didn't happen and she was doing something else for that time.
You can apologize over and over, but if your actions don't change, your words become meaningless.
Behind every crazy bitch is a sweet girl who just got tired of being lied to.
I've found the key to happiness: Stay away from assholes.
oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 12:19 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
trust your gut, the gut is never wrong.
file and have her served.
now if you want more proof:
real time GPS WW car and hide a VAR in WW car.
do not confront WW with proof.
fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 12:40 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
Sorry you find yourself here. You are not overreacting. Trust your gut. Multiple red flags here including her denials. Read in the healing library. As long as she continues to stonewall you, read and implement the 180. Stop doing things for her. She is in an active A and you are moving forward. No idle talk. Get tested for STD’s. See an attorney at least to learn your legal rights. Always value yourself. Take care of you. Good luck.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:57 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
If it was legit she would have told you she what she was doing.
But she didn’t. She’s excluded you from work social gatherings. 🚩🚩
She fell asleep on his couch 🚩🚩
She was at a hotel without telling you she was there 🚩🚩
She was there for hours with a massage she cannot prove she had. How did she pay for it? Unless it was charged to his room and her boss paid for it. 🚩🚩🚩
It’s all very suspicious IMO
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
leftbroken ( Member #53741) posted at 12:59 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
Just a couple thoughts:
As far as the massage goes, is she someone that normally goes for massage on a regular basis? Does she normally go to the same therapist all the time? Why the sudden change? Is there any financial records to support her paying for a massage?
What about other red flags? Dead bedroom, guarding her phone, suddenly ending phone calls when when you enter the room, extra effort to look good, new clothes?
Not going to say that there isn’t red flags because there absolutely is but I’m not about to call the divorce attorney on what could possibly be a couple coincidences.
I will admit that it looks suspicious but your audience here has a predisposition of looking for affairs because that’s why we are all here and it is the common bond so of course there is a predilection to make that assumption.
our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.
OrdinaryDude ( Member #55676) posted at 1:05 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
Definitely use a PI to find out what’s going on.
She has given you ample reasons to suspect, so play it cool and use a PI....you will get your answers.
Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*
**Working at Reconciling**
Unsure2019 ( Member #71350) posted at 1:19 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
Sorry you need to be here. As painful as it is, you’re in the right spot. If I could give you just one piece of advice, it would be LISTEN and ACT on the collective wisdom you’ll be given here. By and large, those that do experience far less pain and anguish than those who don’t.
Virtually everything you brought up is a red flag. To me, the biggest flag is your WW spending the night on her boss’s couch. What on earth was she doing in his house in the early am? If you’re being honest with yourself you know. If you live so close to him, why didn’t he just bring her home? Frankly, that’s a pretty lame excuse for getting home at 6:00 in the morning. She probably did fall asleep, but I’m betting it was after she fucked him Sorry to be so blunt, but you’re going to be facing some very hard truth in the days ahead.
Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 1:46 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
No, you’re not over reacting!
You know what is going on. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Do yourself a favor and get out before it gets worse! And it will get worse!!!!
Go see an attorney ASAP
The quicker you do everything the better!
And have her served at work. It only fair as that is where the affair is.
[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 7:51 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]
Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets
usaskiteam (original poster New Member #75562) posted at 2:16 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020
I have approached her about these things and my view that she is cheating. She has denied to repeatedly. She is a religious person and we do bible studies each evening. Maybe it is a mask to keep me from further suspecting.
I dont want to divorce, i just want her to be honest and we can work through this issue. Ithink she is overwhelmed nd that her boss is taking advantage of this. I have confronted him and he has denied, of course. Knowing that if it is known he could lose his family (serial cheater) and they could both lose their jobs.
Just lost at what to do and how to remedy this with her to keep the marriage. We work so well together, this just through me through a loop and has really resulted in me not trusting her anymore.
I approached her about it this morning and she now doesnt want to talk to me and is stonewalling me.
Topic is Sleeping.