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It’s our 21st wedding anniversary in a few weeks, and I’ve realised I don’t want to celebrate it, not this year and probably never again.

This time last year on our milestone 20year anniversary, he was in the middle of his emotional online affair.

He took me out to a restaurant that he organised and was somewhere I had wanted to go, I had posted on Facebook and I realised later when I found out about the affair, he just did a surprise face emoji to it (silly thing, but all friends and family commented and did love emoji’s) also found out later he had googled buying me presents, looked up flowers to my work but never bought anything, even looked up how he could use all the movie stubs from every movie we have been to see, in a memory book. All these nice things but he didn’t do any of them.

Two days after our anniversary he was making her a playlist of sex songs to get you in the mood and googling, divorced parents living in different countries. And looking up sexy underwear for her and the difference between love and lust.

I just think such a special anniversary and he was probably wishing he was with her and then considered leaving me days after it, the day is tainted and it doesn’t feel special anymore.

He has ruined it, and it makes me feel really sad that I’ll never have a special day to celebrate now, as the one that meant so much to me, obviously meant nothing to him.

Does anyone else no longer celebrate their anniversary ?

I just wanted to say, I very much understand.

On our 7th wedding anniversary we went to dinner to “celebrate.” Once we got home, and I had gone to sleep, he called OW and talked to her for an hour. So yeah, our anniversary in December will be just another day. D-day was 2 days before our 10th, which was obviously ruined.

celebrating the day he vowed to be faithful to me, and then 7 years later was calling his girlfriend, seems impossible to me. Not sure how I will ever handle that particular day.

I haven't celebrated a wedding anniversary in the five years since d-day. Our 10th was just a few months after d-day and I did give my WW a chance to show me what it meant to her, so long as she kept it low kay. It was okay night up until we were on our way home, when I broke down sobbing. This year, five years later, I don't even think either of us even acknowledged the date.

This is what infidelity does to a marriage.

I was the same.

For our first anniversary after DD, I had no desire to celebrate it. I experienced triggers picking out a card (actually purchased two so I wouldn't need to return to the card isle the next year), and I demanded that we subtracted 1.5 years from our marriage to account for the on/off affair. I didn't want to recognize the number of years we were married so we just celebrated the day. Through time I became more willing to acknowledge our anniversary but I have never been keen on celibrating the number of years. Our plan always allowed me to exit, ie., no parties or friends, just the two of us at dinner.

This topic was covered in August, and some good suggestions were given. Here is the link ... https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=648368

Does anyone else no longer celebrate their anniversary ?

I know I am in the minority here...but FUCK THAT!! THEY took enough from ME...THEY weren't going to take my special days either!!

My wedding day was beautiful . I can't control what anyone else thinks...but I can control MY thoughts...and I wanted to remember the day I vowed to love...honor...and cherish . Please understand...I could NOT be strong on the 1st anniversary we had after Dday...but I knew it was something I wanted to get back again.

Also...dates are "my thing" I guess. This SUCKS because I remember specific dates about THEM. That is why I made sure that on dates that were significant to THEM...I had my H plan a fabulous vacation with these dates planned for something special just for US .

I read how our THOUGHTS dictate our FEELINGS. Our anniversary date COULD be thought of from the viewpoint of a VICTIM...or a VICTOR . I CHOOSE VICTOR!!!

I do want to add though...that MY way may not be the right way for everyone...and that is fine . I hope that if/when YOU are ready to celebrate your anniversary again...that you let your H know what YOU need in order to make this date SPECIAL again . Remorseful WS's WANT to do whatever they can to help their BS to HEAL...and will jump at ANY chance they can to make that happen. In MY experience...giving my H chances like this not only helped ME to heal...it helped HIM to feel a little redemption...and it helped US to connect in a way that nothing else could .

Gave it a to the first year, it sucked, now just treat it like any other day.

If a WS works hard to change, I don’t see any problem in seeing more of the person you married on that day. I still see the person texting her AP on our anniversary weekend getaway.

You do what works best for you ..my WS took OW to Europe our 33 anniversary happen during that trip .. a business trip for him .. I told him following D day that we wouldn’t celebrate anniversary of marriage but I would celebrate my children.. that there wouldn’t be a big 50 th party .. I wouldn’t be able to keep from crying. So for our 50 th we went away and during that trip found that he never really ended the A with the OW .. so great memories for me

I will continue and did go out for dinner on our anniversary but WS doesn’t get love card. I celebrate my children and my wonderful grandchildren.. that happened because of the marriage.. and all the happiness they bring to us .

The one thing I tried to do during the past 18 years is not hold a grudge.. or hold the A over my WS head when I though he was being faithful.. right now he is working to stay in my life .

Haven't celebrated our original wedding anniversary for well over 20 years. Not a big deal unless pining over it makes it one. That union died. Nothing to celebrate on that date. I need to add that not celebrating it does not have anything to do with the state of our current relationship or how I feel about her or it. You can be plenty content or happy with your spouse without need to celebrate the dead M anniversary.

Indianna78,

Like birthdays, anniversaries can be ignored or not celebrated.

Some people go all out and some people just don't give it any space in their head.

Depends on what you want to do.

Should you choose, celebrate that day as another one you get to live and do something special for yourself.

What a variety of answers, it seems so sad to see so many people not celebrating their anniversary’s and I wish I could still want to celebrate it, maybe another year but this year I don’t want to even acknowledge it.

Just feel like I’m giving him an out, a day where he is meant to make an effort and show a little romance and he gets the day off from it cause it hurts me to much.

He is doing lots of efforts not on anniversary, but for me previously it would be that one day where I felt extra close to him no matter what else was going on in our lives, how much we had spent the year just being parents not a couple, that day it was us again.

It's very common to not celebrate the first post-d-day anniversary, and it's very common to pass on celebrating several anniversaries.

My W wanted to celebrate 9 months after d-day. I told her to plan something and invite me. I'd accept if it sounded good. She came up with something I liked and added flowers and chocolates. We had a good time.

The thing is, you need to be honest with your WS about this, as always in R. If the 2 of you are honest and stick to your boundaries, you'll move R forward a bit.

One thing to remember, though, is that this is something that you need to lead on - if you tell your WS you need a celebration, your WS needs to celebrate with you.

And if you don't want to celebrate, your WS needs to honor that, too, no matter what the WS wants to do.

I completely understand! My wife was in the deepest part of her affair during our first anniversary. I’ve never had a real anniversary celebration, and it should be a happy time. We waited 15 years for legally recognized same-sex marriage!

Plus I was ill in our first, and unbeknownst to me, the day before and the day after my wife treated her ex, the AP, to memories at one of their favorite waterfront restaurants. I got a card and a nosegay of sweet peas, and she got Oysters Rockefeller!

It’s okay and normal to feel the way you do. I have also found it disappointing and difficult.

I'm in the minority, too. You should find what works for you. Instead of the tj here, I will post my story in positive r stories.

Haven't celebrated our wedding anniversary since D-Day and I have no desire. In fact I think even after a reconciliation, I would not recommend it. If the old marriage is dead (and after adultery, it well and truly is) then what is the point of honoring an anniversary for something that was deliberately stomped on. If a reconciled couple wants to celebrate a new anniversary on a new date, that seems logical. It doesn't seem logical to honor a date for something that was already dishonored.

My H was in round 2 of his affair. It was our 25th and he planned a romantic getaway at a top hotel in the bridal suite.

To this day I really don’t relish celebrating. No gifts. No fancy dinner. I’d rather just avoid it. A few weeks after our anniversary he’s demanding a D. Turns out he planned to dump me for the OW.

We kind of celebrated on the 1st wedding ann after dday (dinner with our DD and her BF at a jazz club in NYC). The 2nd one (our 25th) we were S. And this year I COMPLETELY forgot about it, and was happy I did. I no longer see it as anything to "celebrate" and doubt that will ever change.

I think it's really up to YOU. If you don't feel like celebrating, then don't. See where the healing and recovery takes you - who knows if you will have a different opinion later.

Indianna78,

I get it. I stopped for 7 years celebrating ours. Then when we finally got to the other side of this mess we renewed our vows on our former anniversary. To me, that was us getting remarried. That is now what I celebrate, our second marriage and we are now happily married for 4 years (22 total). Maybe when the time is right you can do the same.

LHAP?

I haven’t celebrated my wedding anniversary since D Day either. It saddens me but I simply don’t feel like it. And I’m not going to pretend I want and happy to celebrate because my WS does.

Imagine buying your first car, all excited, looking forward to all the good times. Then one day you start it, it bursts into flame, and you get 3rd degree burns.

Now imagine that this car is a sentient being, that chose to burn you.

Who wants to celebrate the day you got the thing, that wounded you so much, on purpose?