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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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MyHeart101 posted 2/3/2021 14:16 PM

It looks like me and my SAWH are back to ground nearly zero on the counseling front. We had our 1st MC appointment via zoom yesterday for Biblical Counseling. The pastor told my husband he's either all in or nothing and must consider the Bible authority for Biblical counseling to be a success. In not set so many words pastor was saying that husband is looking for secular counseling. He said they will be there for me (because i am the Believer) and I can get counseling thru them, for us to discuss it and get back with them. Afterward, husband said he didn't feel comfortable with Biblical counseling but will see another marriage counselor. The IC he said he will do will need to be in the same counselor's practice or with MC and I see one in like kind, then we come back together for MC. I don't disagree with that for us but i am already seeing a counselor.

So here we go...

Hurtmyheart posted 2/3/2021 14:56 PM

I don't know about you but every major event is marred by it's proximity to one of his cheating episodes - every vacation, career milestone, holiday.

Yes, everything is marred.

And yes, I don't have to worry about finances but also feel he left me with so much hurt and pain that I can barely just get through each day. No real enjoyment left for me but my kids will be taken care of.

DevastatedDee posted 2/3/2021 16:14 PM

Good morning Dee, I took some time to think about this question you had asked me.

I want to be at peace. I want to be at acceptance. I want to be able to look back at my sham of a marriage and have forgiveness in my heart. I want to be able to see the sun shine again in my soul. I want to feel love, happiness and laughter again. I want to be on top of my world again.

I know this wasn't quite where the question was going but I believe that I need to get to this point before I can even consider moving on. And if I were able to allow my thoughts to venture further than this, I think I can relate to the movie Land that is coming out in the next couple of weeks.

I'm not exactly sure what the movie is about but the scenery is beautiful. The setting of the movie takes place further out in the mountains than I ever could imagine living (because I need all the modern conveniences too; Starbucks, more than one grocery store, the mall, the gym,dog park, Lol, I'm sure that you understand what I am trying to say). But I do love nature. So I would say a decent sized town with modern conveniences but also next to nature. I am a country girl at heart.

Well, I'm about 3 1/2 years out from DDay. I wasted 6-8 months in a weird limbo before we separated in different homes and then in-house. I left physically about 2 1/2 years ago. I never reached forgiveness and really haven't found it necessary. Letting him fade into the background and become more of a bad experience than a person worked for me. That doesn't work for everyone and my 5-6 years or so compared to your 34 makes a difference too. I had plenty of life before him and I've had and will have plenty since.

Emotionally, I'm in a great place. I'm happy, content, at peace. I like my life. I think I reached that about 6 months after I physically left the home and it has only improved. I don't really trigger at anything. I have an almost disturbing lack of feelings about him. It honestly gets better all the time. I mentally put a period at the end of my time with him and launched myself into making my new life about me. I resisted any temptation to date for distraction (had one ONS a couple months after I moved out, but hey, lol). The forgiveness I needed wasn't for him but for me. I worked on forgiving myself for not figuring out who he was. I treated myself with love and compassion and worked on rebuilding what he tore down.

You're so soon after not only DDay but him dying. You will reach peace and happiness. I don't know what timeline that will be on and you can't know yet either, but I have absolutely no doubt that you will. It truly will get better every month. And hey, for distraction in the meantime, you can fantasize about and plan your change of scenery. Everything you do from here on out is about YOUR life, and that makes it sacred.

Hurtmyheart posted 2/4/2021 13:49 PM

That doesn't work for everyone and my 5-6 years or so compared to your 34 makes a difference too.

It wasn't a constant 34 years. It was more like one night stands, EA and from what I can tell two long term affairs. But before his death he told me that he slept with one women on two separate occasions and he also did lots of flirting with other women in front of me. This part is the part of his history that I was aware of and I thought only started around eight years ago. So my information was very limited until after his death.

But once he died this past year, I was able to piece together that he had been cheating throughout our whole marriage. But another clue he gave to me before his death was that he was sorry for all the women he slept with (I thought that he was referring to before our marriage) and the one incident during our marriage. But again was able to piece together that he had multiple affairs. So most of this new information that I have came out after his death less than a year ago and it is very devastating to me where I have strong moments of not wanting to live anymore.

I actually thought I was special in our marriage until he showed me over and over and over again that I really wasn't these past several years. It has broke me and there are those moments I really don't know how I'm going to go on anymore. The heaviness and brokenness gets to be too much at times, in these dark moments. I feel some moments (like right now) I am hanging on only by a thread.

DevastatedDee posted 2/4/2021 15:54 PM

I actually thought I was special in our marriage until he showed me over and over and over again that I really wasn't these past several years. It has broke me and there are those moments I really don't know how I'm going to go on anymore. The heaviness and brokenness gets to be too much at times, in these dark moments. I feel some moments (like right now) I am hanging on only by a thread.

I wish so much that this wasn't a normal way to feel after infidelity. This healing process is a bitch and those feelings are so common and awful early on. I remember that first year as being wrapped in a blanket of shock, agony and sorrow. It's like remembering a deep sickness. This passes, I swear it does. I don't know how to go through this without passing through those moments. They SUCK.

skeetermooch posted 2/4/2021 16:33 PM

I actually thought I was special in our marriage until he showed me over and over and over again that I really wasn't these past several years. It has broke me and there are those moments I really don't know how I'm going to go on anymore. The heaviness and brokenness gets to be too much at times, in these dark moments. I feel some moments (like right now) I am hanging on only by a thread.

I could've written the same paragraph. Dee's right, these are pretty normal - though horrendous - feelings post infidelity trauma. I've had those dark nights where I truly felt that I couldn't do it.

We can't lose you, HMH. You kids certainly can't lose you. Keep doing what you can to heal and rebuild, say yes to things even though getting dressed and out the door is torture. Sit in the sun if you can, listen to happy music - I resist this so much but damn if it doesn't shift my mood every time.

I just started the big guns in trauma treatment - ketamine therapy. It's helping more than anything else has, but it's not exactly fun at the time. I'll be damned if I let this disordered POS take what's left of my life or leave me a permanent shell for my children.

Hugs to you, HMH. We're going to make it out here.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 4:34 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 2/4/2021 19:47 PM

No, I can't leave this earth, (because of my kid's) but those thoughts can get very dark at times. And today what I did to help myself was to reach out to my daughter. I told her that I wasn't doing very well and just to hang with me on the phone for a bit. Didn't need to discuss anything important, just needed to talk to a familiar and trusted voice. It helped out a lot. All I needed to know was that she was there in thought with me.

Thank you, I hope you all are doing better. I'm sad to be here but happy to be able to talk to others that understand. It is so sad!!! This struggle is real!

skeetermooch posted 2/5/2021 21:25 PM

HMH,
Congrats for reaching out - that's huge. This shit is very, very, very hard and I've done some hard things in my life, but nothing like this. I kept really busy the last two days and it lifted my mood a lot and then bam one trigger related to my ex and I was having a panic attack tonight. Feeling better now. It's truly a moment by moment thing.

Hurtmyheart posted 2/6/2021 14:55 PM

And these emotions can get very scary.

I've been reading on the thread where spouses found out years later, that they were being cheated on. I can relate to a lot of what they were saying about their whole lives feeling like one big lie. I can relate to that.

Another sad day for me but am continuing to seek out clarity of my past. All I can honestly say is that my H was so messed up in the head.

Somber posted 2/8/2021 09:24 AM

First off, Iím sorry to barge in here every once in a while and offer no support in return. One day I will try to help. For now, you donít want my support as Iím going crazy and not in a place to help.

So today is the first day my kids are back in school after 7 weeks home due to covid. My husband and I are both off. He leaves for physio. I planned to relax, breathe, read a self help book, walk, sleep...and maybe clean a bit. Instead, I rush to find his dead Apple Watch. I charge it. It takes forever because it isnít really in use right now. He uses it for the gym but they are closed. Here I am acting crazy and searching for more proof. Wtf is wrong with me??? I feel like a rubbish spy here yet itís personal so my heart is racing because he will be home soon. Iím on long enough to see he is in contact with 3 new women. It hurts so bad!! Why did I do it? Is to is self sabotage, am I trying to slowly make myself insane here? I need to move on but here I am still completely obsessed with him. He pulls in the driveway and I make a mad dash to put the charger back, turn off the watch and race downstairs to hide it. Then run back upstairs and start tidying the kids rooms. Iím Feeling very crazy!

The only good from it is this:
I once again, for the one millionth time because the first million times werenít enough, see him for who he is. No matter his claims to doing therapy and wanting to stay married...he is still 100% acting out and planning to meet multiple different women for sex (pretend relationships). The second good thing is that all the women I planned to contact in a group text on New Years arenít in the current picture...well maybe they still are but the thing is they arenít the primary affair partners. So me lashing out on them in revenge wouldnít have amounted to much because he has already moved on!!

Back to my insanity again, how the hell do you stop? What strategies have you used to switch the focus in your mind onto yourself????

The only other thing I used to do is shop, even second hand to not break the bank. Everything is closed still, just schools have opened. I have made a dental appointment and randomly am doing Invisalign for one serious crooked tooth. It is not noticeable when I smile, in fact Iíve always been told I have a beautiful smile. But when I do start smiling again, I want it to be my best!! In the past, he is the only one who has ever pointed it out and made me self conscious about it. So although, itís not affordable and likely not a good time financially...I donít care. Iím doing something for myself for once! He walks away with this boat that cost 7 times as much which is rolled into this mortgage. So maybe my revenge is doing good for me...not always at an expense of course.

[This message edited by Somber at 9:26 AM, February 8th (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 2/8/2021 10:27 AM

Okay, here's why you keep searching. Say you have an oven that randomly catches fire and threatens to burn down your house. You decide to keep it for now because you can't afford to replace it. You're going to keep checking it to see if it's starting fires and threatening your safety. You won't stop checking the oven until you unplug it and throw it out.

Does that make sense? I wish I could think of a way you could just decide "This man is a piece of shit unworthy of my concern", but as long as he lives with you, he threatens your mental and physical safety.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 2/8/2021 16:49 PM

I agree with Dee! I think another reason why we continue to look even when we have more than enough, is because we are having a hard time wrapping our brains around the fact that they could do this. It's so antithetical to how we would treat people, that it feels unreal. That's a side effect of the gaslighting too... you feel like "but HOW??!! It's not possible that they would do this!" so your lizard brain goes searching for the evidence to protect you by showing you that it is very much possible, and it is very much still happening.

For me personally, I needed to dive in deep. I mean catching him in our bed with another woman obviously showed me how shitty of a person he was, and it was more than enough to get the fuck out of there. But still, I felt like I needed to know how shitty he was. Just smelling the shit wasn't enough, I felt like I needed my nose rubbed in it.

So I kept digging, and digging, and digging, until I hit a point where I felt like I knew enough. And I think a huge part of the reason I was able to get to that point was because I wasn't still with him. Like Dee said, you're still living with this dangerous thing, so you have to keep checking for the danger.

Somber posted 2/8/2021 18:41 PM

Thanks Dee and HHADL.
You both are right, itís like damage control while still living together. I sure hope it gets better once he moves out which is the newest plan. He is suppose to be looking elsewhere and trying to move out. More currently into a townhouse we half own but the other couple are selling...he just doesnít know if he can buy it without me. Iím trying to not get involved or wrapped up into owning a second home with him. However, if it gets him out of here it sure is tempting!!
I never caught him in bed with another woman, I can only imagine the mental torture of that. Iíve certainly seen enough sexual messages, replaying of sex and nude pictures sent though. It all haunts me and likely has permanently destroyed my ability to have a normal sex life after this. But thatís not important to me right now. Trying to detach and put space between him and I is my main focus.

skeetermooch posted 2/8/2021 20:42 PM

Somber, it's just too surreal to wrap our minds around. They proclaim undying love and then the minute our backs are turned, they're screwing other women. It's incredible crazy. They're two people in one body. I still have a hard time grasping who the hell my ex was - how this man who would weep and beg for me could also betray me constantly - even during reconciliation.

They are simply totally broken, disordered animals. We will never fully understand it. I agree with what the others have said - we keep looking both to protect ourselves from a known danger and to finally get to the tipping point, where we have seen enough to know we're done and take action.

I hope your can remove yourself sooner than later. The clarity starts when you have space but it's also very challenging to go through the withdrawals from these toxic marriages. Maybe a part of you isn't sure you're ready for that?

It's good you're doing the teeth thing - self-care really is important to regaining ourselves. Invest in yourself.

crazyblindsided posted 2/8/2021 21:33 PM

(((Somber))) One day you will be free from this crazymaking. I really struggled with cognitive dissonance before I left. Itís awful that we have to question ourselves, them and the M. I thought I was losing my mind Iím pretty sure I was. At one point I stopped looking because I knew I would find something. In fact it started falling into my lap without even looking.

There was also a period like Skeeter describes of withdrawal from the trauma bond. Keep reminding yourself of all the reasons, even make a list to look at, of why he is toxic and why you shouldnít go back. I still have to do this especially after I get a ďpoor meĒ text from him.

secondtime posted 2/9/2021 00:21 AM

Hugs, Somber.

I stopped searching when I finally accepted that my husband is not going to be a safe person for me.

I'm slow. It took me about 2.5 years. But, there's no more need to search because it's not changing anything.

I also started using self talk when the temptation was there. And, being disappointed with myself for wasting time/losing out on sleep. Because, honestly, the only one being negatively affected is me.


Somber posted 2/9/2021 06:46 AM

I still have a hard time grasping who the hell my ex was - how this man who would weep and beg for me could also betray me constantly - even during reconciliation

I know, it is impossible to wrap my head around it. It doesnít make sense. To be in the middle of his double life; witnessing both sides, is to be in constant turmoil.


Withdrawals; interesting. These words of trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance further confuse me. At times Iíve searched these words up after hearing them in response to my story and they made sense. Other times, they hurt my head more and I can no longer understand them. That is how it feels for me today. I have to look them up again and again and sometimes I see myself completely in them and other times I canít focus enough to understand itís meaning and application to me. I feel like I am starting to live my own Ďin my headí double life. Half time I see where I need to go and have clarity...the other half I feel nuts.

Thanks for the support girls xo

[This message edited by Somber at 6:53 AM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

Somber posted 2/9/2021 06:50 AM

I also started using self talk when the temptation was there. And, being disappointed with myself for wasting time/losing out on sleep. Because, honestly, the only one being negatively affected is me.

Thanks for the self talk tip. I need to talk myself out of searching. It only hurts further. I also end up feeling ashamed and disappointed for having wasted my time on repeating the old. Nothing changes or on my situation nothing changes because he has never chosen recovery. I have never fully chosen to change myself and detach and choose me. Itís so hard to change my focus, I suppose Iíve been obsessed with his behaviour forever that it has become a habit. I need to let it go and hopefully then real healing will start.

skeetermooch posted 2/9/2021 09:05 AM

Somber, do you have an IC? It can be hugely helpful in this process - especially now, when you're feeling so overwhelmed and muddled.

You can only get so clear while you're still swimming in the crazy soup. Don't beat yourself up or think we're pushing you. We want you to be safe and happy. You weren't meant to live your life playing amateur detective with a lying SA. However, you will get out when you're ready and have the motivation and wherewithal to do so.

I went round and round for a year post dday trying to sort it all out and I didn't have kids with him, nor was I financially entangled. It takes the time it takes and all of our situations are different.

Prioritizing yourself, doing what you can to take good care of yourself and advance your goals are things you can do now. Detaching from his dysfunction is something you can also work towards. You know he's constantly seeking out sex partners, so you don't really need to verify this. If he has a shift, it will be apparent without snooping, so maybe you can back off on focusing on that and use that energy for yourself?

DevastatedDee posted 2/9/2021 09:25 AM

Thanks for the self talk tip. I need to talk myself out of searching. It only hurts further. I also end up feeling ashamed and disappointed for having wasted my time on repeating the old. Nothing changes or on my situation nothing changes because he has never chosen recovery. I have never fully chosen to change myself and detach and choose me. Itís so hard to change my focus, I suppose Iíve been obsessed with his behaviour forever that it has become a habit. I need to let it go and hopefully then real healing will start.

Don't beat yourself up. These situations are insane. Nothing prepares you for the mindfuck of it.

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