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I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 6:16 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

What Dee said spoke volumes to me. This is so true.

In the process of discovering WH's multiple affairs, escorts, etc. in the past year,

I would appreciate any feedback. Am I headed in the right direction? Missing something?

I know that this isn't the answer you want to hear and I know that it's hard. In all honesty, the first sentence says everything. You can keep doing the dance, trying to get him to fix himself, trying to deny the reality of what you're in for a while. Explain to him how you're affected by this. Give him empathy for his pain and dysfunctions. Let him cry and tell you he'll change, discover he hasn't. Rinse and repeat. You will do that stuff, we all do to a certain extent after DDay. I think all of that is a coping mechanism to prevent us from seeing it for what it is. Some never leave, and pay a price mentally and physically from it. When the first sentence is true, the only second sentence that gives you a way out of the dysfunction is "I decided to get a divorce". Even if the miraculous happens and he turns it around and becomes a different person, you're not even halfway to R. Then you have to figure out how to live with someone who betrayed you that way. You have to live with the reality that sex addicts almost always relapse and live the rest of your life with him with that knowledge. Never able to fully relax. That black cloud hanging over your head.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630007
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 6:52 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

I am one of those spouses who stayed and not really knowing his truth because he kept his truth from me for years, all of our marriage. And when I did have suspicions, he convinced me that he would NEVER cheat on me, he wasn't that way. And trust me, he was good at lying and manipulating until he wasn't anymore when I quit believing in him.

I don't understand why since he really didn't want me, why he just didn't do the honorable thing and divorce me? Can anyone answer this for me? Maybe I can answer this question myself, he stayed with me to achieve some sort of balance in his life. It wasn't for love though, it was about his needs and what he wanted to do. It was never about his love for me. I can honestly say now that he never loved me. And if this was love, I never want to be in love with another man again.

This is what I wrote to my therapist this morning:

What am I supposed to do? I mean not only am I grieving the loss of my husband (not even a year has passed since his death) and I may have suspected that he was cheating on me in the past but he reassured me over and over again that he would never do that to me and I believed him when he told me that he would never do that to me. He was my husband. And with marriage, love and trust should have grown but as time went on, his world became his world (which I didn't understand fully until after his death).

As I said earlier, I suspected that he was cheating on me on a few different occasions but he reassured me that he would never do that to me. I trusted him and now my heart is broken.

So now here I am, sad and depressed because the truth and light is coming out in leaps and bounds. It's a lot to take in, 34 plus years of lies, something I will never "get over" or maybe not even find peace with. It is very devastating and hard to wrap my head around.

Think, infidelity usually takes 2-5 years to heal from, now compile death of a spouse and a million lies on top of that. And healing from death is also a very long healing process and sometimes people don't recover.

I feel so sad and down.

Somber, I agree with Dee, if you can get out of your marriage, consider doing it. Your story reminds me so much of mine. And I stayed but the damage was done. My H treatment of me was horrible, just as your H treatment of you is unacceptable. And frankly, it's really no way to have to live.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630016
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 7:06 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Then you have to figure out how to live with someone who betrayed you that way. You have to live with the reality that sex addicts almost always relapse and live the rest of your life with him with that knowledge. Never able to fully relax. That black cloud hanging over your head.

Right?! This coupled with his Narcissistic tendencies literally drove me insane. I believe I was either headed towards an early demise, back in the mental hospital, or getting some kind of illness. I did not feel well at all. The only way I was going to get better was to get away. No amount of detachment and grey rocking was going to make whole again. I had to actually leave.

he stayed with me to achieve some sort of balance in his life. It wasn't for love though, it was about his needs and what he wanted to do. It was never about his love for me. I can honestly say now that he never loved me. And if this was love, I never want to be in love with another man again.

Same with my situation, it was a very sick kind of love. I believe he loved me in his own way more like an object than a human and he just wanted everything to be all about him. Still is. He still sends me texts about how awful he feels and how alone he is now. He created the situation it is mind boggling how he can make it about him and his sadness.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8031   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8630019
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 7:49 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Crazyblindsided, and it's also baffling to me how many of these women were open to advances eventhough these men are married!

I keep having mind movies and one came to me yesterday. Last year 2019, my H and I were out for a jog and one of his coworker women slowed her car way down, she was driving and she shouted out in a senual sexual way (and I was right next to him!), hey husband's name! I mean, really?

He got mad and said that he didn't know why she did that. But also told me in the past that she and her husband were divorcing, they both worked at my H work, because she was screwing other men there. Yeah, probably him too.

My trust and belief in him is completely gone.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630029
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 7:52 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Doesn't really matter whether he is dead or alive, my trust in him is completely gone.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630031
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Graphite ( Member #76081) posted at 7:54 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Hurtmyheart I hear you. 34 years of lies is a lot to take in. But in reconstructing my timeline of past 22 years, I think I can feel when the rot set in. My ex was adamant too that he could never cheat on me, he was so devoted, so in my corner. But the serial cheating in past at least 5 years was off the scale.

While I can see now he always had escapist and narcissistic tendencies, I reckon I can date the explosion of a timebomb inside him to around 7 years ago after his dad died. Until then I have no question he was an open book, authentic with me, joyful. Whereas when adultery and porn set in I felt 'less married' but had no idea why.

Do you have something similar you can reconstruct? Based on your own gut, can you quarantine the good true years from the bad? I think it can help to restore faith in idea that you did have something authentic, not kidding yourself, but in retrospect asking if there was a turning point.

As for why. They are dysfunctional. Narcissists cannot survive without masks. We look to integrate, they partition off the bad from the good I reckon until it becomes a double life. I reckon they self medicate pain with a double life. It is a way of avoiding being fully present in reality.

My ex is so aggressive since I decided to divorce him, like I am in the wrong.

My only way to heal is to think how broken he had become, above all else I believe we are meant to integrate bad stuff and face down our demons.

You need to find the you before him, the you besides him, maybe even before piecing together what of the marriage you can keep.

I love the Camus quote, In the midst of winter I finally learned inside me lay an invincible summer. Wishing all of us going through this hell that we can gradually discover our own invincible summer.

[This message edited by Graphite at 1:57 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]

posts: 95   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8630034
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 8:12 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

So now here I am, sad and depressed because the truth and light is coming out in leaps and bounds. It's a lot to take in, 34 plus years of lies, something I will never "get over" or maybe not even find peace with. It is very devastating and hard to wrap my head around.

Think, infidelity usually takes 2-5 years to heal from, now compile death of a spouse and a million lies on top of that. And healing from death is also a very long healing process and sometimes people don't recover.

I feel so sad and down.

I wish I could give you the biggest hug and just sit with you for a while. I cannot imagine all of the usual horror along with death, and so many years to sort out in your head. I believe that you will heal. You will recover. You're strong and smart and someone I know I'd like as a person. You will take the rest of your life and live it. But you will hurt for a good while in the meantime and there's no shortcut through it. It just sucks.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4435   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8630043
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 8:25 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

I know it's hard to see when you're in it, but we are all capable of moving on from these men. Love and attachment honestly do go away. My XWH's first wife sometimes calls me up for help figuring out what manipulations his side of the family is up to related to their daughter and she gave me one of those calls today. After I let her talk about the situation and helped her think it through, she mentioned that my XWH had a girlfriend over with his family for Christmas and that one of her friends saw him on a dating app recently. Want to know what I felt? I felt amused and relieved that I'm out of it. He is a 40-something year-old man who has been unemployed for 2+ years and living with his mom and he thinks he has something to offer to a dating relationship. I cannot imagine what kind of woman is into this, but apparently they're out there. And you guys, thank goodness it isn't me. I'm not hurt. I have not a speck of jealousy. Not a twinge of anything. I don't care. You can love someone with all of your heart, be utterly traumatized by them, and heal enough to genuinely not care what they're up to within the normal amount of healing time from infidelity. The first steps are the hardest. Time and space do wonders after that.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 2:26 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4435   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8630052
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skeetermooch ( Member #72169) posted at 9:34 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

We are all going to heal from this as impossible and overwhelming as it appears to be. The human mandate is move towards happiness, to endure and to keep living.

And when I did have suspicions, he convinced me that he would NEVER cheat on me, he wasn't that way.

My ex did the same. He would often take my face in his hands, out of nowhere, look deeply into my eyes and tell me he would never cheat on me. He knew my ex bf cheated, so I thought he was just being extra. Ha - he was bringing up his cheating without bringing up his cheating.

I too wonder why he didn't just divorce me. But I think they like the image and the trappings of an intact family. They love their family like teenagers love their families, selfishly. They want to sneak out the window to party with their friends. When they're done partying, they want to come home. Maybe an alley cat is a better analogy.

They aren't normal. They are of the ilk of Ted Bundy imo - not serial killers but soul killers, utterly without empathy. I suspect we will just come to accept it, without ever fully understanding, because how do you ever understand this irrational, disordered behavior?

it's also baffling to me how many of these women were open to advances eventhough these men are married!

There are always willing women out there, because we live in a culture where a woman's worth is based on being attached to man and because there are very real logistical, social and financial needs met through having a male partner. As far as I can see most women date/marry beneath them. I think if we could normalize remaining single unless someone truly worthy shows up - the dynamics might change.

Not a twinge of anything. I don't care.

Can't wait to get there, Dee.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 3:36 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8630070
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skeetermooch ( Member #72169) posted at 9:44 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Think, infidelity usually takes 2-5 years to heal from, now compile death of a spouse and a million lies on top of that. And healing from death is also a very long healing process and sometimes people don't recover

You really got the worst, most complicated double whammy with his death and finding out all you did afterwards. I imagine a few folks stay stuck in grief but you're already coming out swinging, seeking answers, hope, help, so I have ever confidence that you will get there. It sounds like you have wonderful children as well.

What he did was terrible. That he couldn't come clean, even on his death bed, is pathetic. It was so unfair to you. You didn't deserve it and you don't deserve being saddled with this complicated grief and anger and loss. I hate these guys. Why couldn't they just swim in their little cesspools and stay away from decent people?

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8630073
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 9:48 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Thank you, Dee. Such kind and much needed sentiments that I needed to hear because my H made sure to bring me to this level of devastation and despair. HE did this to ME and no one else did it. Yes, he did this to me and IMO, my H treatment of me came from no where else but through evil.

But you are correct when you told me that I am strong and I will prevail. No doubt an upward climb to get to wanting to feel better but I am determined to make it happen.

My life is mine now, I get to do what I want to do from a level playing field. No more having to deal with his infidelities and everything else that came along with it. And I also no longer have to answer to him because of his choices. Most people spend time grieving and mourning the death of their wonderful spouses while I get to grieve that my marriage was one big fat lie and sham.

All I can really ask is for God to have mercy on his soul and to pray for his soul and mine to heal also. Maybe God is already working on healing H soul? I really hope so. But if there is an afterlife and I definitely now know that there is, I don't even ever need to see him again but I understand that I don't have any control of that outcome.

I hope to someday find my true soul mate.

And I do still believe in that. And with that said, H apparently didn't complete his mission of destroying me because I still have hope and hope comes from God.

One last thing, it is amazing the my H was able to convince his coworkers that I was the crazy one who. Was stepping out of the marriage and I was the problem. I see that as I am finishing up his paperwork and I am beginning to see that his lies about me are slowly trickling out, again. And unfortunately it may hurt me in the long run but no matter what the out come, I will still prevail. And what is beautiful about all of this is that wherever H is at, he gets to see the damage that he has done. Consequences for his actions.

But I don't think all his coworkers believe that whatever he did was my fault. I believe he only was able to convince the other sick minds, of his innocence. Some of them got a close up look of the monster he was. Interestingly though, I believe that most of his affairs took place with the other female coworkers but obviously the other sick minds were able to turn a blind eye. Weird, but H used to say how wrong affairs were and point others out who were do wrong.

Dee, I want you to know that you are a great asset to the SI community because you really do get it. Sorry that you have also found yourself here and sorry if I gave you TMI but sometimes the whole story is necessary. Hugs back at you.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630074
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 10:12 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Dee, I want you to know that you are a great asset to the SI community because you really do get it. Sorry that you have also found yourself here and sorry if I gave you TMI but sometimes the whole story is necessary. Hugs back at you.

You make my heart warm.

You aren't giving TMI, woman. You need to get this stuff out. We all need to get this out verbally, in writing, scream it if we need to. It's part of healing and that's the whole point. It bonds us together with others who have been through the same kinds of stuff. This crap is absolutely insane. Most people do not ever deal with someone like our spouses and they just don't understand it. How could they? It's truly wonderful that we all have each other to understand right along with us.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4435   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8630080
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 11:08 PM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Yes, I completely agree with you that it is nice to know that others get what I went through and because of that, we all can lean on each other.

Thank you for reaching out and being there for me and others, it is very much appreciated.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630096
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 11:43 AM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

He still sends me texts about how awful he feels and how alone he is now. He created the situation

Crazyblinded, I am kind of laughing about this and let's just say that I can relate.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630170
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 12:06 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

Do you have something similar you can reconstruct? Based on your own gut, can you quarantine the good true years from the bad? I think it can help to restore faith in idea that you did have something authentic, not kidding yourself, but in retrospect asking if there was a turning point.

Nope! I thought exactly the same way you did about your H, until after my husband passed, then the lightbulb came on.

My H mother died, his family rejected him, his coworkers didn't like him, neighbor coworkers didn't like him, blah, blah, blah... and that is when his acting out began. Wrong! His acting out began from the day I first met him and I chose to ignore it because I was soooo in luuuuuv with him.

All of my memories of him/us are tainted to the point I can't even reflect on good times because our whole marriage was tainted with his infidelities, every single part of it. Did we have good times? Of course we did but in the mix of those good times were his infidelities. So at this point in time, sadly I need to shut the memories down, even those memories where my kids were involved.

My H did a number on my soul but I do believe for the most part that I am past hating him. I am now asking God to have mercy on H soul. And I also do believe from my experiences that H is greatly suffering the consequences for his actions.

I want to kind of laugh about it but better not, I am not out to seek revenge against his obvious hatred of me but I also do believe because of the pain he caused to my brain and soul, he is suffering consequences in the afterlife.

Trust me when I say, things go a lot deeper than what we can visually see here on this earth.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630173
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 12:36 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

Skeeter-

We are all going to heal from this as impossible and overwhelming as it appears to be. The human mandate is move towards happiness, to endure and to keep living.

And when I did have suspicions, he convinced me that he would NEVER cheat on me, he wasn't that way.

My ex did the same. He would often take my face in his hands, out of nowhere, look deeply into my eyes and tell me he would never cheat on me. He knew my ex bf cheated, so I thought he was just being extra. Ha - he was bringing up his cheating without bringing up his cheating.

I too wonder why he didn't just divorce me. But I think they like the image and the trappings of an intact family. They love their family like teenagers love their families, selfishly. They want to sneak out the window to party with their friends. When they're done partying, they want to come home. Maybe an alley cat is a better analogy.

They aren't normal. They are of the ilk of Ted Bundy imo - not serial killers but soul killers, utterly without empathy. I suspect we will just come to accept it, without ever fully understanding, because how do you ever understand this irrational, disordered behavior?

These comments are packed with truth, especially about being rebellious teenagers and the Ted Bundy concept of being soul killers. I can completely relate to this.

I am kind of sad that he is gone, I guess I am. I honestly don't know why though but I'm assuming I was hoping for change from him and I do want to miss our outings together. But on the hand, I don't have to deal with his behaviors anymore. And trust me, some of his behaviors were horrible!

And in truth, he loved to torture me by flirting with and staring at and visually undressing younger women, right in front of me and then telling me that it wasn't happening. OMG, I felt so emotionally unsafe with him, made me feel horrible! And the terrible things he would say to me!

I remember the first years of our marriage (before I started to piece together the truth) that because of my upbringing I had dodged a bullet. In retrospect, I now realize that I didn't dodge the bullet and I ended up marrying a monster. And I'm sorry to speak this way about my deceased H but sadly it is the truth. I would much rather be on those other sites where the widows are crying about losing the best and most wonderful loves of their lives. I mean they are writing about how wonderful their husband's were and how truly blessed that they were and sadly I can't sad this about my H. Breaks my heart! But it also shows me that I too wasn't raised in a positive upbringing. I mean I do already know that but reading the good things these widows have said about their H reinforces how troubled my marriage really was. Breaks my heart, especially for my kids. They didn't deserve this.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630175
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 12:50 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

I am finding that the hardest part for me is trying to jumpstart my life again. It so difficult to keep having to pick up the pieces up from his trail of destruction and to get my life going once again. I am really struggling this time. I also keep telling myself I am still early in my grief and to give myself some time. But I feel that he has robbed me of my time for long enough. I just want to get moving forward and get my start my life started over again somewhere else.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 10:29 AM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630176
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 1:46 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

And that's why you're going to heal! He didn't destroy you. You won't allow him to have destroyed you. NOBODY gets to destroy you! And hey, you can restart your life somewhere else if you want to. There's a whole world out there. Where do you want to be?

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4435   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8630181
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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 7:55 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

Where do you want to be?

Good morning Dee, I took some time to think about this question you had asked me.

I want to be at peace. I want to be at acceptance. I want to be able to look back at my sham of a marriage and have forgiveness in my heart. I want to be able to see the sun shine again in my soul. I want to feel love, happiness and laughter again. I want to be on top of my world again.

I know this wasn't quite where the question was going but I believe that I need to get to this point before I can even consider moving on. And if I were able to allow my thoughts to venture further than this, I think I can relate to the movie Land that is coming out in the next couple of weeks.

I'm not exactly sure what the movie is about but the scenery is beautiful. The setting of the movie takes place further out in the mountains than I ever could imagine living (because I need all the modern conveniences too; Starbucks, more than one grocery store, the mall, the gym,dog park, Lol, I'm sure that you understand what I am trying to say). But I do love nature. So I would say a decent sized town with modern conveniences but also next to nature. I am a country girl at heart.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8630285
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skeetermooch ( Member #72169) posted at 7:59 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

But I feel that he has robbed me of my time for long enough. I just want to get moving forward and get my start my life started over again somewhere else.

I feel the same. I guess we just have to give in to the process of healing, even though giving more time to a fuckwad is insult to injury. This is a hard. Another shit sandwich.

The loss of our past, because of being triggered by memories, is one of the more vexing aspects of this grief. I don't know about you but every major event is marred by it's proximity to one of his cheating episodes - every vacation, career milestone, holiday...I don't think it's necessarily going to be this way forever. With past abusive/unfaithful relationships, after some years, I can now revisit my past without it triggering memories of their bad behavior. So, hopefully you get your fond recollections of your children and other memories back without the taint of trauma.

If I remember correctly, he left you in a decent position financially, so that opens up some serious dreaming - next vacation, adventure, hobby, house...

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8630290
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