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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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Somber posted 10/17/2020 08:50 AM

That sounds like a great night Skeeter! Your new chapter starts with fun and happy memories already starting. Amazing.

Black Raven, I agree in that it sounds like emotional exhaustion. This level of betrayal trauma takes so much out of us emotionally. It is normal to feel this way. It is difficult to carry on as normal. Loading the dishwasher is an accomplishment right now. I remember feeling like a zombie, like I was in a fog, head in the clouds, unable to make a decision and very forgetful when I started navigating this reality of being married to a sex addict. I often still feel like that but it is better and less often.

I would suggest eating small healthy meals, even treat yourself to a favourite meal/snack/treat to gain some energy. Take your dog for a walk to get some fresh air, this simple exercise always helps. R u working from home?
I would break your responsibilities down into smaller sections and make a list for what needs to be done that day only. Focusing on smaller tasks, instead of the whole, is less overwhelming and easier to focus on than the whole. At the end of each day, make your list for the next day so that when you are done for the day you can enjoy your time without stressing about the tasks for the next day. Set aside moments to get work done and reward yourself with moments to do nothing or self care of course. If something can be delegated, I would delegate it. Donít skip those breaks as we are often more productive if we take those breaks. Itís okay to take care of yourself, even if that means asking for help right now.

As for the antidepressant, there can be side effects so itís best to let someone know you are starting this new medication for when you do start it.

Superesse posted 10/17/2020 10:12 AM

Skeeter, I wish we were neighbors! You show us the importance of building our social network, which is so important in healing from this crap! Wish I knew that many friends who would come over; I mean, I have the space....trouble is, all my pals are urban/suburban or older ladies, who either can't or won't figure out driving directions or maybe they're scared to drive down my 1/4 mile gravel driveway through the middle of grassy fields? It's not like I'm in a forest or up on some mountain, or anything intimidating. Drives me crazy. In August, I had to cancel a planned garden club get-together at my farm the president of the club had suggested, due to the stubborn fear some of the women had to just venture out the 6 miles from town! Women MY AGE and YOUNGER!

Ladies, what would y'all say to that, besides "you need to find some new friends?"

Black Raven, this spring during the lockdown, I felt much like that..stuck here with HIM. No more dinners out. Forced companionship. I dropped 20 lbs., which was welcome. My suggestion to you was going to be along the lines of taking a hammer to something big outside and smashing it to bits - just to get the rage expressed.

[This message edited by Superesse at 10:23 AM, October 17th (Saturday)]

DevastatedDee posted 10/17/2020 12:18 PM

BlackRaven, I was so beyond useless for quite a while after DDay. I did get on anti-depressants because my doctor basically forced me on them after she saw me and I broke down completely in her office. I was borderline suicidal. I am lucky that I'd worked with my boss for years and he knew what I was capable of and that my state of mind then wasn't my norm and he helped me out a lot. Delegated some of my work and gave me some time to mentally recover. So if you're having a hard time being a normal human being, you're acting completely normally. Most of us are in pretty bad shape dealing with this for a while.

DevastatedDee posted 10/17/2020 12:19 PM

Skeeter, I loved reading that. :-) Having friends over is awesome.

skeetermooch posted 10/17/2020 12:35 PM

I wish we were neighbors too, Superesse!

I've definitely lived places where folks were resistant to the commute. When I was in Boston, I never saw anyone because no wanted to leave their homes after 6pm because of the weather, congestion, parking...I was that way too. Now, I live close to downtown and that helps with any resistance I might be feeling.

Building a social network was one of my intentions last night. It felt great to speak that out loud. I've never been terribly intentional about friends/lovers. I just fall in with folks who show up or are in my orbit. Convenience over quality. That set me up for a lot of things I don't want - low-integrity people, no real support and attaching myself to men who "seem" normal and compatible, without doing enough vetting, etc. Going forward, I want to surround myself with people I admire, trust and can learn from. And I want reciprocal relationships with everyone - I've had so many friends who were just takers.

And I burned the last bouquet of roses my STBX bought for me. They made great tinder!!!

DevastatedDee posted 10/17/2020 12:35 PM

Iím in the fucked up is normal and it seems like limbo torture. I kinda wish I left when I was angry because now leaving seems more difficult. There is a complacent normalcy to our day to day and itís not a horrible way to live overall. There is a sharing of household jobs, child care, shared family time that feels normal, holidays spent with ease, etc. Itís a decent roommate most days...perhaps Iím being too positive or in denial but Iím managing to live my fíd up normal for now.

The limbo torture comes from my inability to heal from the damage done, the large wall built between us that I refuse to let down, the ptsd symptoms that haunt my mind daily and affect my mood, the lack of authentic happiness and of course my resentment towards him, the inability to ever feel loved or practice love with my spouse, the lack of trust and his poorly controlled addictions causing me anxiety of the what ifís...

Iíve been avoiding SI overall as itís very painful, perhaps triggering, perhaps forces me into reality when I am much better versed in denial and/or ignorance. Sometimes I donít know what I need.

I'm glad to hear from you. I've been wondering how you were. Don't be down on yourself. You get to choose whatever life you want to live at any given time. I don't judge you still being there. I do feel badly that it's not something that makes you happy and I do think that fucked up becoming normal is a real thing that we've all been through in some scenario or another.

It really did help me a lot to stay in that rage. For me, it was like I had a whole body itch that I couldn't relieve until I was out. I am grateful for that, but I met a lot of men and women in Alanon and Naranon meetings who had been with addicts for decades and had come to view waiting for the other shoe to drop as normality. One man in particular got to me so hard. He was probably in his late 60s/early 70s and he had been dealing with his alcoholic wife relapsing and recovering over and over for decades. He'd speak of detachment, letting go and letting God, and inner peace, and I saw a man carrying great sorrow, but carrying it in the best and most dignified way that he could. It hurt my heart. Being with an addict of any stripe can absolutely become normal, but it seems that it drains the life force out of the non-addict over time. There's a difference between existing and living. He was existing and doing it the best he could and I just wanted to hug him and cry.

There may come a time when you are just done and you get that whole body itch that forces you to climb out of limbo. Regardless, I wish nothing but happiness and love for you. This is all so very hard, staying or leaving. Just try to hold onto your life force the best you can in the meantime. You're a beautiful person and no one gets to take that from you.

Superesse posted 10/17/2020 23:02 PM

Skeeter, I had to laugh when you talked about Bostonians, they are sort of known for insularity; my father's ancestors came from there and his brother moved to Sedona AZ to get away from his D.C. and Boston life. He loved living out your way the last 40 years of his life. (I never got out there to visit...ironically.)

But what I don't get is the number of people I know (lots) who moved here to Virginia saying they came for the beauty and the rural character, but hardly ever venture more than a mile or two out of town or anywhere except the Interstate back to where they used to live. They seem to have no problem traveling 100 miles to go back to the city, yet they often make excuses why they can't come half a dozen miles out a country road to see a friend. I think they are truly out of their comfort zone, once they don't see traffic signals?!

Our farmer has a total attitude about that; he has seen it for most of his life here. He thought we'd be just another one of the urban misfits who buy farm land and choose never to get to know their farm neighbors, and who rarely involve themselves in community events. So after I got the old farmhouse shaped up enough not to be ashamed to have company, I started inviting those neighbors, new friends, my nieces and nephews from the city...with little consistent results..

Finally, I tried inviting casual friends and sometimes strangers, if I heard they needed a meal, to come for Thanksgiving: I still have the 22 lb. turkey in my deep freezer from last year! A family of 8 - whom I knew didn't have a table to sit at, and who'd enjoyed being here the year before - cancelled on me at the last minute. Not the first time that kind of thing had happened, but I decided it would be the last.

In previous years, after my father died, I still cooked holiday meals - mostly for my old dog's sake! I did it because this dog was like my remaining family, and always has known when it was a holiday, don't ask me how! If it was Thanksgiving, then he expected to supervise me cooking the turkey! He must have figured it out by the weather, the groceries showing up in the kitchen, or something. And my dog will tell me when the bird or the roast is done, too...it'll be cooking for hours in the oven, thermometer in the meat, dog laying under table with his nose facing that oven door the entire time....then a sudden GROAN: "Smells SO good!!!" I go and pull it out, and it's perfectly cooked!

I get the feeling everybody thinks I have SAWH for company so why would I want to or need to invite them, or something. It wouldn't really work to advertise how I'm in a miserable situation so I'd love a diversion, and they mostly have no idea that I feel that way about him, either...maybe my own charade bites me in the butt, especially on holidays.

But tell me, what does it take to have human guests want to come out, even when it isn't a holiday, or snowing, or raining, or whatever? I think your idea of having monthly get togethers might help start a new habit, if I could ever figure out how to get past the "no thanks" response.

Dee, you do have a great way of expressing the whole experience we have been going through.

Being with an addict...seems that it drains the life-force out of the non-addict over time.
I saw that exact thing with my mother during the years she stayed with my father and his drinking. As well as what marriage to a Sex Addict did to my sister, literally drained her life-force away. Not to mention, yours truly. Thanks, you give so many words to express my problem...BINGO.

skeetermooch posted 10/18/2020 10:42 AM

Superesse, it helps that I invited mostly single women! One of the friends has a sort of partner who came with her at the last minute. Also, I was doing a new moon ritual and folks were excited to have an infusion of spirituality, connecting to the planet and just being real about what they want. We all crave that - instead of parading our false selves and having meaningless banter, which is the usual party fare.

One thing I have found consistently in my life - when I'm hiding something (a crap relationship with a cheater say, it puts a barrier between me and other people. I can only get so close when I'm not fully being authentic with others.

Coupled friends are way less willing to schlep out at night, no matter what the distance. And yes, people will assume you're good-to-go if you have a husband. I did invite one of my dearest friends, who's partnered and of course she didn't come. She never comes, and I'm to the point where I don't even want to invite her anymore.

It takes luck and perseverance to find your tribe. Mine is still in process. And this pandemic does't help anything.

Well, I'm off to camp for a few days. I hope everyone stays healthy and happy.

Superesse posted 10/18/2020 23:07 PM

Skeeter, I'm seriously starting to get Jealous!! Camping for a few days...whooo!

It got down to 32 degrees last night here. He told me this morning that he turned off his electric heater in the RV about 2 am cause he got too warm in there, but when he got up this morning, it was 40 degrees inside the camper. He told me that because I asked how much warmer than outside temperatures is it, in an unheated RV. I would like to go camping, one of these years....but meantime, it's clear to me that he's doing just FINE out there!

Thanks for the feedback on the invitations and who does or doesn't respond. It's really a weird thing about people who are coupled not being social with anybody else - until their world implodes...

Today I had another attempt at inviting new friends over, and learned something more about both my dog's intuition and my own hangups. After church. my BFF from Mexico said her Tio and Tia were visiting her for the day from their town in the southern part of Virginia, and they all were going to ride out to the resort 5 miles West of my farm, and did I want to join them...I'd told them I still have tomatoes on the vine, if they wanted to take some back home, and they all sounded enthusiastic about that. But then I thought about what a mess my house is, since I refuse to be The Maid for this slob, and my 2 big dogs shed every day to where my carpets look like a beauty shop floor. So I dared not ride with them and have them stop here on the way home, and want to maybe pop in and use the bathroom, or something! So instead of "Yes, I'd love to join you!" I said "Stop by the farm when you are on the ride back." They said they would.

I went home and frantically started dust-mopping and vacuuming, and cleaned the downstairs bathroom in case somebody needed it. Like I ALWAYS DID before any company comes...Well, my old dog got REALLY interested in watching me and got that expectant look on his face. That's when it hit me: THIS must be the clue he picks up on, every holiday: MOMMY IS SUDDENLY CLEANING THE HOUSE! SO, PEOPLE MUST BE COMING SOON! THAT WILL SURELY MEAN...FOOD!!!

As I worked, however, it brought back a lot of the usual anxiety about "will they show, or won't they?" I'd be pissed if I wasted a pretty afternoon cleaning the house for a little social hour, and they changed their minds...because he'd get the benefit of the house being cleaned and I wouldn't get the benefit of any company. When they did show up, I felt relief wash over me like a wave!

This showed me today a bit more about how "doing the dance" between the way I'd LIKE to live and how I'm actually LIVING has become a pattern I have got to somehow change. I realized that if I knew my house was the way I want it to be - clean and orderly - I'd have probably gone ahead and joined them for the afternoon, but nooo....I had to go home and "make things all nicer" than they REALLY ARE. Like an allegory for my LIFE!

See ladies? This "fucked up becomes normal" stuff is for real.

Somber posted 10/19/2020 09:16 AM

Thank you for your support and Shared story Dee. Maybe I will be that man holding great sorrow while trying to remain dignified. He didnít want that life, nor do I, but sometimes our personalities and life experiences create it for us.

Any thoughts on hypervigilance? All this time later, I thought I would be done with it. Sometimes I find myself still snooping his email, messages, Instagram and Facebook. He isnít even on the two last ones but I sign in to check as that is where I found most of my indications of his affairs (be it just messages as he says or not). I donít do it as often but when I do it feels like a betrayal to be snooping which I donít care about that much. I care about why I am doing this? Is it to feel safe, to prove to myself that yes indeed he is being faithful right now? Is it that I need to see nothing to feel safe and try to trust his word. Is it that I am never going to trust him no matter what he does? Am I always going to be searching for more signs, clues, details, evidence? I think I am trying to find my way to trust where I will keep looking in the hopes that I donít find anything else. If Iím doing this maybe Iím looking for a reason to stay. I sure have enough reasons to leave but havenít left.
Or am I looking to avoid the feelings of what I do know. Am I staying in the anxiety of looking and wondering to avoid the brick wall of pain.

I didnít think I wanted to stay, not saying that I do, but I am saying that it feels easier to stay with the kids, finances, responsibilities, etc. Perhaps there is some hope in there and that is why I am searching. I still see the good in him and love him in someway and saying that brings me a great deal of shame. I should have walked away a long time ago with my dignity. I couldnít stay knowing more was happening but not finding anything only superficially makes me feel better. If I found more, I still donít even know what I would do.

Where has your greatest healing come from?

[This message edited by Somber at 9:17 AM, October 19th (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 10/19/2020 09:52 AM

First, Somber, you're checking his stuff because you're in an unsafe environment. My dryer didn't cut off automatically one night and ran all night long and the heating element thing broke. Do you know that I cannot leave it running ever even though I got it fixed and that was 4 years ago? I have to check it before I go to bed just in case the kids are drying something to make sure it cuts off. Do you know what it would take for me to just be able to let clothes dry again without checking it to be sure it automatically stopped? I would have to get rid of this dryer. I know that I have a dryer that did that, and now I don't trust it not to do that. This is the most human thing in the world and it applies to all kinds of things. Four years, and we're talking about a clothes dyer that cost me $100 to fix. You're in that situation with a husband. You know he cheated and is likely to cheat again. It's who he is. You aren't worried about being out $100 or replacing a dryer. You're worried about your entire life being turned upside down, your health should you get an STD, facing another round of the worst trauma. Of course you have to check and marriage police him because you know that you are at risk of some pretty heinous stuff. You know it's going to happen again and you want to know when it does. You want to reassure yourself that it isn't happening right now and that's why you check.

You do have the choice of staying in this holding pattern indefinitely for financial or other reasons, but know what you are staying in. This is a choice that you need to make with your eyes wide open and find some sort of peace with it.

Where has your greatest healing come from?

Honestly? Leaving and not having to worry about whether the person closest to me is engaging in fucking up my life on a daily basis. You are stronger than I am in some ways. I wouldn't survive what you're surviving. I had to leave. I don't have it in me to live like that. I am a profoundly poor choice of partner for an addict. I will leave an addict cold just to not have to worry about that other shoe dropping all the time. Can't do it. I had to scrape him out of my life to save my sanity. So for me, that was the most healing action I have taken.

DevastatedDee posted 10/19/2020 09:57 AM

This showed me today a bit more about how "doing the dance" between the way I'd LIKE to live and how I'm actually LIVING has become a pattern I have got to somehow change. I realized that if I knew my house was the way I want it to be - clean and orderly - I'd have probably gone ahead and joined them for the afternoon, but nooo....I had to go home and "make things all nicer" than they REALLY ARE. Like an allegory for my LIFE!

Girl, I have no criticism, lol. I have 6 dogs so whenever someone is coming over, I do a frantic clean because there is going to be dog hair on stuff even if I cleaned three days ago. Having two teenagers doesn't help either. That's another frantic clean that has to happen, ha ha. Dishes will be piled in the sink, dog hair will be somewhere, and no doubt someone will have cooked something and not cleaned the stove afterwards despite my nagging about it. My home is not guest ready unless they're close enough to me to see my mess and not judge, lol.

Superesse posted 10/19/2020 10:58 AM

Thanks, Dee, now I don't feel so alone in my doggie-centric house.

The part where I do feel bad, though, is how long I'll let housework go, simply because I've grown tired of SAWH refusing to see the mess he makes (he's like a perpetual teenager) nor how much mud, gravel, and dead grasses his huge feet track in when he walks the dogs (at least he does walk them daily). I put beige carpet mats - plural - six feet either side of the kitchen door, and they can look horrible with ropes of black dog hair! Ugh.

So long as he's still around, I feel like me cleaning this house reduces me to his Maid. But I ought to want to do it for my own sake, too! Mummy Dearest was his Step-N-Fetch-It until he joined the military at age 18. He thinks I'm her, enough as it is! Though he claims he had to keep things tidy in military barracks, he regressed after he left the military at age 26, as his whole life was spent in motels traveling across the USA for an auto racing team. When I used to go with him, I noticed how every time we checked out of a motel room, he'd leave the wet towels he'd used in a heap under the sink or by the tub. They were just not his job to worry about...also the messed up bed, he knew the hotel housekeepers are paid to deal with that. Just something I noticed...

But years of living that way didn't force him to live with his own mess. And marriage did nothing to help his motivation. I gave up after a few years of trying to maintain the sort of environment I'd had as a single woman.

An inviting and restful home means a lot to me, especially after losing the lovely home I built during my first marriage. But I'll never have that home - unless I somehow get past my resentment. That's a consequence of that "Fakin' It" Dance I've being doing for years during IHS. (SAWH now does his own laundry, and since he lost sleeping privileges in the house, I notice he's hanging up his clean clothes or putting them away in his former bedroom dresser instead of piling them up on a chair!)

Now about these dogs, yes....what can we say? Don't get shedders? The old dog has a fluffy double coat, it is soft like a mink or a cat. And he blows fluff year round, I think. Yet there isn't a sweeter feeling in life than stroking his glorious coat. I used to take him to visit residents in a nursing home and they all reached out and clung to his ruff. He is that kind of dog.

Dee, I think your dryer analogy to living with a serial cheater is book-worthy! So spot on!! Makes it all so clear.

I'll give you a confirmation how true that really is: when I was a teenager, our household of 6 people had a heavily-used washer and dryer in the kitchen. One day, the dryer caught fire. It just so happened I smelled the smoke and called my mother. We quickly smothered the fire. I'm 69 years old now, and have NEVER AGAIN left any house with a dryer running! I've been teased to no end about my phobia. But for some experiences, ya know, it only takes ONCE!

crazyblindsided posted 10/19/2020 13:15 PM

Hi Somber good to see you back again! I was like you at one point still checking things all the time. The thing is that every time I would check his phone or GPS or whatever tracking I had on him at the time I would find something fishy that didn't sit well with me. I could not feel relaxed at any point in my M and he didn't do anything to help quell those feelings. Of course he managed to take the A underground via burner phone. Thank god the MOW exposed it to me or I never would have found out. Things just were never the same after that. Even if he was trying it was like the boy who cried wolf, I didn't believe him and he still acted wayward and treated me horribly.

After my False R I stopped checking because I knew I wasn't ready to leave yet and I didn't want to know or cause myself anymore additional pain. I was exhausted from the hypervigilance.

Where has your greatest healing come from?

I have to echo Dee on this one. My greatest healing began after I left, physically left. It's like coming up to breathe after gasping for air. Everyone here is right that the peace of mind you get is like nothing I can describe. I no longer think of the A, I do not miss my STBX in any way, I am no longer hypervigilant and wondering where he is and what he is doing, I don't have to decipher his moods anymore, I feel a peace in my soul that I have not felt in a long time. It is scary to leave and make that change, but once you get over that hurdle you are free of all that pain.

Somber posted 10/19/2020 13:49 PM

I agree with Superesse, the dryer analogy is spot on.

I know Iím at risk of further trauma and I do want to reassure myself thatís itís not happening now. I also am having a hard time right now reducing him to just his addictions. Yes he is a sex addict, yes he is an alcoholic, yes there is risk with either of these problems alone. Yes I am traumatized, codependent, perhaps suffering from relationship ptsd. But he is more than that. I am more than that. Perhaps being housebound since covid has allowed me to see that we are more than just those things. They donít define us entirely? Or do they?

Can I live with this risk? Likely not happily but there is ease in staying and trying. Iím not sure what I am so afraid of otherwise. Iím not sure I can find peace with it, especially with my eyes open. That canít be very healthy, I know that too.

Thanks CBS. Hope your doing well.

After my False R I stopped checking because I knew I wasn't ready to leave yet and I didn't want to know or cause myself anymore additional pain
. I feel like Iíve taken this route a few times already throughout my marriage.

I donít know....no matter what he does, I just donít trust him like Dee And Superesse canít trust their dryer.

DevastatedDee posted 10/19/2020 13:59 PM

I've noticed something about myself, Superesse. My home is often a reflection of how I feel about life. When it's clean, it's a sign that I'm happy and content. When it isn't, it's a sign that I'm not feeling okay about something. Now "clean" is a relative term, because I have an Aussie and a Pomeranian who shed an entire dog each monthly I'd swear. So though I swept and dusted and mopped yesterday, it will appear that I need to do that again in a couple of days as the Pomeranian hair drifts into the corners. All hardwood, so no carpets to hide the hair. If I'm feeling pretty good about life, I will have swept before it looks bad. If I'm feeling stressed out, likely I won't. So my home is kind of a barometer for me to guage where I am emotionally. I'm never going to be the "baseboards are always sparkling" person, but basic cleanliness is something I stay on top of a whole lot better when life is peaceful. Is it that way for you maybe?

DevastatedDee posted 10/19/2020 14:27 PM

I know Iím at risk of further trauma and I do want to reassure myself thatís itís not happening now. I also am having a hard time right now reducing him to just his addictions. Yes he is a sex addict, yes he is an alcoholic, yes there is risk with either of these problems alone. Yes I am traumatized, codependent, perhaps suffering from relationship ptsd. But he is more than that. I am more than that. Perhaps being housebound since covid has allowed me to see that we are more than just those things. They donít define us entirely? Or do they?

Since I'm on an analogy roll today and Superesse and I are on dog subjects, lol, I guess I'll continue. I work part-time with an animal shelter and bonded hard with a little Pomeranian named Oliver. He was adopted out and returned 7 times in a year and a half. They were going to give up and euthanize him, but I took him home with me instead. Those who adopted him saw a dog with severe aggression and trust issues who will absolutely bite a stranger and will go out of his way to try and get to anyone to rip them up. All 14 lbs of this little guy will take on a 250 lb man with no hesitation. That is one side of him. The other side is a precious baby who literally holds my hand with his paws when he sleeps at night, who cuddles with me and kisses me and is my best bud. Would absolutely die for me. I love this dog so much and he is with me for the rest of his life, no question about it.

My perspective is that he is a precious loving baby. The vast majority of other people he has encountered have a perspective of a mean nasty little dog. None of us are wrong. He is both of those things. The reason he works in my household and not in those other 7 households is that I know who he is and I accept it completely. If I took him home expecting a normal dog who could act as if he had some sense when people came over, I'd be profoundly disappointed. I took him home knowing that I have a dog who needs to be kept away from strangers and isn't here to be shown off no matter how pretty he is. I work on trying to improve his temperament, but he's almost 9 years old and he's not likely to change. He is who he is. I know who he is, and I can love him for exactly who he is. He has fantastic qualities and absolutely abysmal qualities. He didn't work for other people because this kind of dog is not what they wanted or were able to handle, and they weren't wrong.

Your WH and my XWH have fantastic qualities. They have abysmal qualities. When we agreed to marry them, we were not told of their abysmal qualities. We didn't agree to those. We did not agree to be married to addicts, whether it be sex addiction or alcoholism or drug addiction. When I took Oliver home, I knew exactly who I was bringing into my house. I know that he will bite a guest and I arrange my life accordingly. When we invited our WHs into our lives, we did not know that they would sleep with other people. This was not agreed to, anticipated, or accepted. They also are not dogs that we can put in kennels to keep them from doing what we don't want them to do to strangers. They are autonomous human beings who get to act on everything they wish to act on no matter the harm it brings us. As Oliver was returned to the shelter for biting people, I returned my XWH to the world for cheating and being a drug addict. If someone else is willing to take home a cheating drug addict knowing exactly who he is and not expecting him to change, maybe there's hope for him. It just isn't going to work out in my home. I am not prepared to arrange my life to accomodate my XWH's bad qualities. I am not willing or motivated to do that. The only way I can see you being happy with your WH and able to appreciate his good qualities is if you accept him for who he is with his bad qualities and stop expecting or hoping for him to change.

To be fair, Oliver is more deserving of my sacrifices as nothing he does actually ruins my life and he isn't allowed the opportunity to ruin anyone elses anymore. If I wanna rescue something flawed, let it forevermore be a dog and not a person.

Superesse posted 10/19/2020 15:44 PM

Dee! I don't know if you already write for a living, but if you don't, consider it as your destiny....you just penned an epic little essay on the mean dog vs. the SA as a close companion. At the least, you should print off your posts. They contain so much good stuff. Had I found a book at any bookstore that spelled out what you say here on SI, back when I was breaking up with XBF #___ and seeking some guidelines, my life would have taken a better turn.

Well, ladies, on the dog theme still....here's a weird sort of "comedy" break: a true story from this afternoon that involves my dear old dog, my SAWH and my own endless struggle with having a nice space!

Last month, SAWH found a real bargain truck (after he paid off his credit cards and is saving his cash for whatever). A regional wrecking yard had it online, we drove down to see it, and he bought a partly-wrecked 2014 one ton pickup truck for less than half its retail value. He's been like a kid in a candy store with his "new" truck, working hard to fix it up. When he's finished fixing it, it can serve as his company truck AND could easily pull that RV. (My 1/2 ton truck is having engine issues just since we got the RV and installed the fancy 5th wheel hitch in the truck's bed, wouldn't you know. Seems like it took one look at that 5,000 lb. trailer and started misfiring! Hadn't had a problem with it in the previous year!)

So on Saturday, he helped me with my sunporch floor by screwing the plywood to the floor joists. In return, I offered to help "detail" the interior of his new truck. It had been a construction company truck, so nobody had cleaned it; I got it cleaned up like new! (Both our old trucks are 16 years old; their front seats soon got torn up from sun damage, age, big guy suspenders always scratching the material, not to mention the worst offender - dog toenails!)

So then, fast forward to today: less than 48 hours after my detailing job, I have to push 70 lb. Mr. K out of the passenger seat he prefers to sit in, because every morning he gets to ride with his Dad to the nearby country store for coffee, and he sometimes gets a breakfast crust; it's is a ritual for the both of them. Mr. K thinks the front seat is also best for his old bones, as the new truck has 9 inches less room in the back seat area than the other trucks have.

So today we're rolling down the road with my dear dog's white-muzzled head resting on....the column shifter stick?! His Daddy allows this. Dog's nose lines up perfectly with the air vent so he can get some fresh air, you see. He did look very content..his bony elbows were digging into the flat top of the bench seat console, and his huge front paw toenails/claws had curved over the front of the console, for extra grip, I suppose. His hind legs were solidly planted on the back seat floor. He was #2 co-pilot! Didn't even want Mommy to sit in the front of what he clearly has decided is his new truck. I had to ask and cajole him to move, after we got out and back to the truck from having lunch!

I took a closer look and noticed toenail scratch marks all along the soft edge of that newly-restored vinyl console I was so pleased with, and my heart just sank. They weren't there on Saturday. I realize this truck will very soon look like all the other ones - ratty and rednecky. Ack! I tried to pick up the big dog's paws, and he deliberately put them right back where he had them. He wasn't gonna budge! Daddy didn't care, obviously... I thought about a cushion to cover the console, but there goes the cup holders and the storage bin access, if we did that. Dog booties? His wolf-like front paws are so elongated, the big dog booties we bought don't fit his feet.

NOT my truck, so "Let it go," right??

(I know the risks about dogs riding shotgun in vehicles...I never permit this when on the highway or traveling, just on nearby country roads; I always have my arm ready to throw over him. The girl shepherd isn't allowed to do this at all, as she's too small to keep her body weight behind the front seat, but this guy is so long in the back...and sooo spoiled....)

DevastatedDee posted 10/19/2020 15:54 PM

Dee! I don't know if you already write for a living, but if you don't, consider it as your destiny....you just penned an epic little essay on the mean dog vs. the SA as a close companion. At the least, you should print off your posts. They contain so much good stuff. Had I found a book at any bookstore that spelled out what you say here on SI, back when I was breaking up with XBF #___ and seeking some guidelines, my life would have taken a better turn.

You are doing my ego good, ha ha ha! I appreciate you and I'm glad anything I type helps!

And you made me laugh with your dog. I so relate. The windowsills in my bedroom are ruined from dog toenails and that just is what it is. I can either have nice windowsills or I can paint them regularly and just deal with the fact that several dogs are going to perch their nails on them when they stare out the window and bark. The aforementioned Pomeranian is the worst offender as he has a dire need to warn me that our neighbor visited his mailbox and therefore I should be ready for a fight, lol.

BlackRaven posted 10/20/2020 06:56 AM


The SA rehab program my H is in calls the vigilance ďsafety seeking.Ē They also recommend that a monitoring program like Covenant eyes be installed on all electronics (and a tracker on his car if you like) and that it be monitored by a trusted person - not you.

Donít know if your WH would agree to that, but if he doesnít, it provides you with information.

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