Hello again :)
It's been an incredibly difficult, busy and heartwrenching few weeks, and I do not see any end in sight.
I've taken steps to 180 (or my interpretaion of the 180). I still go running, but I've additionally joined a new gym
that's opened in the next town. I'm still struggling to eat, but I'm at least able to eat more than I was immediately
post-DDay. I'm drinking far less (think I've had the equivalent of a bottle of wine over the past three weeks), and
eating healthier while still cooking.
Sometimes it's easier, but I have an underlying feeling of sadness and humiliation which, on occasion, will flare up
into an anxiety or a panic attack. I'm able to ground myself, though it takes a minute or so.
We talk a lot about our feelings and thoughts now, and my personal feeling ranges from "she's making the effort" through
to "she's taking me for granted". There seems to be very little middle ground.
The good parts
* She has, for the most part (more on this in a minute), kept to the boundaries. If she has circumvented them in some
way, I've not seen evidence - yet.
* We have been out on a couple of nights out. Just the two of us. We had the kids taken care of and we went out. I
didn't drink, WS didn't drink much, and I drove. We had dinner together and shared in a fun evening without involving
anyone else. It felt a lot like the early days of our relationship.
* We have had more sex in the past two weeks than in the past year. She's been initiating and it's as good as it ever
was, just more of it.
* We talk a lot more about our relationship, and it feels like she is opening up more.
* Therapy has been excellent for me, as have the books that were recommended (I'm currently over half way through "Not
Just Friends"). WS is getting therapy too, and I don't intrude on that - she does volunteer some information here and
* We're looking at getting some MC once the IC has helped us address some of our individual issues.
The bad bits
* WS wrote a two-sided A4 letter to me explaining about how much she missed 'C' and how she wanted me to give C a second
chance. In it she explained that C was her best friend, and that she really wanted her back in our lives.
I explained that this was not going to happen, and that C had both lied to my face and enabled WS to consumate the
affair. I told her that I expect anyone who was an enabler to be cut out of our lives for good.
In a weird twist, the following day that she gave me that letter, C turned up at WS's work, and berated her for
causing C so much pain. C appears to have a massive victim complex, and was apparently got so worked up that she was
close to punching WS! WS related this incident to me that evening, and said that maybe C wasn't as good a friend as
I'm still completely in the dark as to why she wrote the letter in the first place. It just seems self-centered at
* She revealed (after I asked) that she had been in contact with C since we wrote out the boundaries. The next day, in
fact. I was not annoyed by the contact (I'd expect some wobble here or there), but I was thrown by the fact that this
was two weeks after the contact that she admitted to it and that *I* had to draw the truth out of her. It feels like
if she wanted to make an easy win at recovering some trust, then admitting to this without being asked would have
shown that she's willing to volunteer the truth. As it happens, being the one who had to get the truth out of her, I'm
wondering what else I haven't been told, and whether she really can start to rebuild.
* On our last evening out, it was going so well. We'd gone to get dessert at an icecream place, and as we were finishing
up, WS got a text from a friend asking her if we wanted to go to theirs for a drink. WS suggested that it'd be fun and
that we should go. I resisted.
I was driving, so I wouldn't be able to drink. If past situations were anything to go by, then this friendly drink
would be me sat sober while the three of them (WS, WS friend and her husband) got more drunk. I'd then have to drive
my drunk WS home where she would most likely pass out or fall asleep early, which was at odds withour original plan to
go home and have sex. I'd bought her some lingerie and was excited to give it to her (I'd always kind of resisted
giving lingerie as a gift as it felt a bit like telling her what to wear. Not sexist, but in some way controlling and
a bit old-fasioned. It turns out she loves the idea of being given underwear like that, so that's on me).
I related this, and she became moody. She sulked in the car on the way home until I explained it from the other point
of view: If we'd been out for an evening together - that we explicitly wanted to be between the two of us - and *I*
got a call from a friend asking me to go round for a drink, would she be so keen on the idea? She agreed that she
wouldn't and I also explained that if that was the case, then I wouldn't have entertained the idea for a second. If
we're out on a night out together (especially due to the context), then I certainly wouldn't suggest diverting the
evening and having friends join. It's not as if I could join in anyhow, and it'd just be a repeat of the situation
where I was a fifth wheel, outside of the group.
It appears that she just hadn't considered it from my point of view, which again seems extremely self-centered.
* Today, WS headed out on a work trip. She left the house looking fantastic, and horribly, I realised once she'd left
that her trip would bring her in proximity with the AP. Not close, but say within 45 mins (her route there takes her
past the town, so within 10 mins, though they wouldn't stop there). I checked, and she'd turned off location tracking
on her phone. My anxiety is peaking, and I feel awful. She turned location tracking back on on my request. Her
business partner is with her, and I trust her, but then I trusted 'C' too.
To be fair, in isolation, each of those things is fine. Just all together they cause me to panic.
So that's the update. There is more, obviously, but these highlight give a pretty good overview of wheere I am at. I'm
not sure if we're at reconcillation really, but I think we're working on the basis that we're rebuilding trust.
Housekeeping: Not sure if I need to move to another forum? Does this thread get moved or should I just start a new one