Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Just found out mid July

Topic is Sleeping.
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 8:11 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

My god, please get away from this person ASAP. I could not continue reading the posts. This is horrible and pathetic. You need a good therapist who can build you up and prepare you for life away from your wife. I don't know if you have already taken these steps, but I just can't read any more of this stuff. Don't be a doormat. As a BS survivor, I know what you are going through, but you must get a hold of yourself and end this charade of marriage now. Nothing is worth continuing with this deceitful person.

posts: 409   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8584962
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 8:59 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Well enough said.

She has overtly told me:

- “I have no respect for you”

- “I have a disdain for you”

- “I hate you”

- “You are a child”

You are doing as best as you can, I feel she is starting to get the message, you are no longer the person she is use to.

Keep up the work and I hope the legal advice is productive.

But is will cost you a bit, but rug sweeping the years of abuse and disrespect is well worth it.

Respect and one day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8584985
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 9:24 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

She then proceeded to tell me that we can choose our thoughts going forward and focus on the present. Regardless of how other people have healed from affairs, everyone’s situation is different. If we stay positive and move forward, we will do fine. She is intent on doing things her way but the part of controlling thoughts and changing to positive, she is 100% correct about.

You really need to bring this back to her the day she gets served. She will be, naturally, in a towering rage. Tell her that you are just controlling your thoughts, and trying to stay positive, focusing on the present and moving forward, JUST LIKE SHE ADVISED.

She asked me why, are you angry? I said yes. She said is it something I just did - I said no. She asked do you want to talk about it? I said no because you never do and it will likely turn into a long conversation and I have work to do.

I'm not a big believer in karmic justice any more, so I commend you for not reaching for the low hanging fruit here. You have plenty to be angry about when it comes to your (current) wife, yet you maintained your composure. Now, me, don't be me... I would (and did) respond to questions like that (in a similar situation) with a veritable book of what I was angry about. I've matured a little bit since then (I hope) and realize how exhausting and unproductive unfocused rage can be. You are to be commended for keeping your cool. Good job.

Thanks for the clarification (earlier) about the house. That's an unfortunate confluence of events, but it sounds like you have this covered.

Just out of curiosity, what continent are you on? Don't spill if you are concerned about privacy, I understand.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 3:26 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8585002
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goalong ( Member #57352) posted at 10:07 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

"Is it because something I have done?" What a callous condescending question. If you have decided to end the marriage please do not engage her in conversations. Her attitude and intentions are to act like nothing bad happened and you should accept everything as she wishes. Follow the 180 by only answering the essential. Even ask her to leave (if she has any care for you) saying her presence and attitude greatly stress you. Do not physically interact with her like kissing. You said STD indicated there is some grey area. Look forward. Do not think about the past. Come to peace with that . Even accept to your self that you could have been more aggressive. She is trying to hold on to you with her in full control in her waning years.

One more thing - my wife absolutely loves the holidays and does more than her fair share for our families,

Do not you see it. It is absolutely for herself presenting a caring homemaker while knowing her self what she is really doing to you. It is possible that she actually enjoyed it (belittling you) and got a perverted high by doing that

[This message edited by goalong at 4:44 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 770   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8585021
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 10:25 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Awoken

@Sceadugenga - the interesting thing is she has NOT hidden her contempt over the years.

She has overtly told me:

- “I have no respect for you”

- “I have a disdain for you”

- “I hate you”

- “You are a child”

And on and on.....The no respect comment I have heard for many many years, as well as the child comment. The disdain and hate you comments are more rare but they are there.

If I knew then what I know now regarding these comments, I would have left a long time ago.

What this is is emotional and psychological abuse. You are an abused spouse and you need to make sure your lawyer knows about this.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8585031
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 Awoken (original poster New Member #75302) posted at 10:55 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Well that didnt last long. She ignored my boundary of not coming near me and she came to my office and sat in my lap. Then she left to an appt and called me.

I told her hotel is too expensive and not happening and she suggested others, then she said unless you dont want to spend time with me. I said I dont - she said maybe its best we spend time apart this weekend and I told her I would let her know.

I reiterated for me to heal I need transparency and what i found out was traumatic. She then said how I was in the marriage before affair was traumatic to her. I said ok 2-3 years of trauma for you then affair. She said no 4-5 years I said ok then 18 years of punishment fir me and 4-5 years you.

By having her say 4-5 years and I know it broke off around 2010, then it lasted 7-8 years first time around much more then she claimed.

She said me getting access to her phone is moving forward based on mistrust. I said she is reason for mistrust.

Then she called a child again because I am not getting my way with transparency-so I hung up on her.

She called me 3 times and sent me 6 texts one of them calling me a child again.

I have ignored them all.

Then I got the idea to call the restaurant she went to and they told me limit for a table is 1.5hrs and they would never allow 4-5 hrs on a Friday night.

She is very rapidly digging her own grave.

[This message edited by Awoken at 4:56 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8585044
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:11 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Why do you even engage with her?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8585050
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KatieKat ( Member #16690) posted at 11:35 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

STOP ENGAGING

You are being terribly abused

one of the lucky ones

posts: 272   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2007
id 8585061
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 11:37 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

So she equates being unhappy in the marriage with infidelity. And comparing years etc...

To quote another poster here:

If you have decided to end the marriage please do not engage her in conversations. Her attitude and intentions are to act like nothing bad happened and you should accept everything as she wishes.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8585062
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paboy ( Member #59482) posted at 11:45 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

although, it may seem that I am repeating myself, I am hoping that once you start seeing the woods from the tree's, it will click..

She has been manipulating you for most of your marriage, and is good at it.

You have been codependant on her for your happiness.(perhaps because of your fatherless childhood).

Although you are getting better at this, getting her finally off her pedestal needs to occur.

[This message edited by paboy at 5:46 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 585   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8585064
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happydad ( New Member #75281) posted at 12:23 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

18 years? LOL. You are a lousy listener, you never listened to you wife and you don't listen to the advice in this thread.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2020
id 8585076
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leftbroken ( Member #53741) posted at 12:23 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Awoken:

You just keep looking for straws to grasp onto and you keep coming up empty, and when you do you just start looking for new ones to grasp at. Why? Why are you torturing yourself like this? It’s death by a thousand cuts and you just keep handing over the razor.

Nobody believed for a second she spent 5 hours at a restaurant, everybody told you as much. You calling the restaurant is nothing more than pain shopping.

She has shown you nothing but venom and malice for years, it baffles me how you could still be there.

our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Calgary, AB
id 8585077
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 12:23 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Awoken, there is no reason to subject yourself to a narcissistic abuser. Protect yourself. Please, stop engaging. Minimal answers. She’s a manipulator, and very cruel about it. You are not going to get what you want to reconcile... or to even begin to trust her ever again. Life isn’t a magic show, you will not BE safe, just by waving a wand. Until your lawyer comes through, keep your head down and avoid her. These little conversations are doing you nothing but harm. Just another form of gaslighting and manipulation.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8585079
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DeWittle ( Member #50857) posted at 2:00 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Then I got the idea to call the restaurant she went to and they told me limit for a table is 1.5hrs and they would never allow 4-5 hrs on a Friday night.

You knew this Awoken, it’s glaringly oblivious. But they didn’t leave the restaurant because of a time limit, they had other business to conduct and you KNOW what happened.

Let me also fore-warn you about the “time apart” comment from WW. In cheater speak that equals time for her to hook up with POSOM. It’s a trap, don’t make it so easy for her (again).

Lastly Awoken, you are getting run over because you allow it. You have got to be direct, quit dancing around the truth. “Did I do something?” First you shouldn’t be having a conversation with her, stop communication, but if you have to the appropriate response was something like “ you’ve been fucking AP for 18 years, what do you think?” I’m not sure if it’s conflict avoidance or what but you need to get past it.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:46 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 322   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2015
id 8585107
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Waggingthedog ( Member #65793) posted at 2:14 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Hi Friend,

To start, I was pretty sure this was a troll post. I'm still undecided because this has to be one of the most messed up fact patterns I've ever seen. I cannot imagine how you've gone without sex for eighteen years. It would have had to have happened accidently at some point given that length of time. I don't mean this as mocking if this is real.

Assuming it is real... Dude. No.

You cannot stay married to this person. I don't say that as a challenge like "I bet you can't do it." I mean that you should have divorced about sixteen years ago... At the latest.

Was there some medical condition she replied on? Sex therapy? Did it ever come up in conversation? Were there ever fights about an eighteen years dead bedroom? I cannot imagine. I'm assuming that you at least brought it up in conversation a few times a year.

Here is the thing. It looks like you're successful in your own career. You're getting in shape. There are a few decades left. You've been warming the bench in your own life for some of the best years while your wife has been carrying a torch for a married man secretly.

Again, I still can't imagine this situation is real. The only possibilities left are that you're a combination of trauma bonded and scared to rock the boat to the point of absurdity.

So, let's try a little thought experiment... Put yourself in your wife's shoes. How does she have to look at you to stay married? Why? Why stay married to you? There's finances and appearances. That's it. There can't be anything else. There's no passion. There's no desire. There's no intrigue. There's nothing that would define love in any definition. To her, you're a nice guy walking wallet that's meant to be maintained and controlled. That's it.

My thought is this. You're going to divorce. There's no way around this. She's robbed you of years upon years of your life. She doesn't love you. She doesn't care about you. She is lost in a world where you're there for the hard stuff, but she doesn't really like you "that way."

My thought would also be this. How old are your kids? If they're older, get out of the house, retain a lawyer, change your phone number and don't be in the same room with her ever again without a recording device. If they're younger, find out how to get out of the house. This woman is exactly the type to destroy your life once you light a match. Gather your evidence and bolt out the door. Otherwise, bad stuff could happen.

You said she sat on your lap and she kissed you... Dude. I'm sure it feels good to have her want you after a lifetime of spurning your advances, but turn that around. She's been physically repulsed by you for two decades. Think that turns off in an instant? What thought process would she have to go through to get close to you in the hopes you won't leave? "Well, let's put on the lipstick, suck it up and see if I can smooth this over using my old tricks. I wonder if he wears boxers or briefs... I forget." Have you ever been with someone that the next morning you woke up and thought...well that was a mistake and I feel disgusted with myself? That's how she feels before she touches you. Her mind has been wrapped around another person for decades to the point where she doesn't want to be with you.

This does not turn off right away. It's fake. And if this manipulation doesn't work, she will try another. And another. Until she has the prop, you, that she can continue to show to the world.

F. That.

You need some distance man. Some real highway distance. But you need away from her and you need to do it quickly. There is nothing to save here.

I know. I went though the whole thing too. Mine was cheating most of the marriage and I lived with a mostly dead bedroom for the last four. I know where your mind is and I get it. And you need time to process this. But you can't be with her. You just can't. It's impossible unless you want to live a sexless existence with someone that doesn't love you in order to keep up appearances at holiday parties.

Get a lawyer, move out. Nothing good comes from dragging this out any longer.

There were people that told me the same things and I didn't want to listen. And I get it. It's nice to live in the fantasy you've constructed for yourself but it's an illusion. Maybe you like the illusion. And maybe the illusion us fun.

I can tell you that kissing someone that wants you is way, way better than the illusion.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2018
id 8585110
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goalong ( Member #57352) posted at 2:17 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Looks like in your WW you have two roles - wife and business partner and you are wondering what will happen to business partner role. If this continuing engagemwnt and chit chat do not make you angry/unhappy it is okay to have it while you are progressing towards your goal.

[This message edited by goalong at 8:20 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 770   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8585112
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m2r2 ( New Member #63265) posted at 2:21 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

she said maybe its best we spend time apart this weekend and I told her I would let her know.

This is your opportunity to have PI on her and put this to rest

posts: 18   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Toronto
id 8585113
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redwing6 ( Member #72593) posted at 2:49 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Awoken,

I'm not going to add much because you have all the heavy hitters here giving you advice. I would strongly urge you to start the 180, HARD today.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp

That's a link so you understand what it is. It's a way for you to disengage your brain while you deal with her.

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8585121
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DaninOH ( Member #69121) posted at 2:53 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

If 18 years of withholding sex hasn't made you end it, I really doubt that you are gonna do anything now. What does it matter at this point?

posts: 146   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8585122
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KatieKat ( Member #16690) posted at 4:29 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

There is such a thing as masochism.

one of the lucky ones

posts: 272   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2007
id 8585139
Topic is Sleeping.
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