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Awoken, I am not sure if you have answered this before. Are you in the USA ? What countries are you and the POSOM from ?

This was an extremely frustrating post to read. I say this without intentionally being rude.... You are an extremely naive, overly trusting person. Your wife seems to have your number. The amount of disrespect you put up with is incredible. You have been screwed over for so many years... Pls divorce this woman already... She has no compassion for you and despite all the emotional ups and downs.. has you around her little finger. (continues to lie and manipulate you)

You need to grow a pair and take control of your life again.

You have been screwed over for so many years...

That’s what I was thinking, 18 - 18 - 18 f—ing years! OP there are women out there that will treat you SO good; where up isn’t down and the sky REALY is blue. Honestly, a women right now that treated you like shit would be a HUGE improvement in your sitch.

The fact she was able to get a hold of POSOM and produce that receipt demonstrates there was never NC nor had she broken-up, they just went further underground. Why do you need some kind of proof, it’s just gonna be a lie, something they’ve conjured up, you know what happened, it’s obvious. Most times the simplest answer is the correct answer.

She is not a good candidate for R and I doubt she ever will be. Stop playing family, stop contact, look up the 180 in the Healing Library and start detaching and try to get help with codepence.

She got all pissed at me went in and got other receipts fro that day and threw them at me and said they had time stamps. She did this in front of our youngest who got suspicious and asked me if he thought mom was having an affair. I had to do damage control and said no, she’s just upset as we had a fight. Kid wasn’t buying it but finally cooled it down.

Why did you lie to him? All you had to do was say "yes". Now you have broken your son's trust.

[This message edited by Westway at 8:21 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

why did you lie to him? All you had to do was say "yes". Now you have broken your son's trust.

This..

Why are you protecting her after this huge 18 years betrayal?

Don't do that!

It's time you take control of the situation, and get out of this mess!

She must face consequences for her actions, she needs to feel shame and regret, even if you want to reconcile you need to expose..

Brother.. consequences is a must!

She has to face something for her betrayal!

18 years of betrayal can't go unpunished!

Bring back your Alpha male traits, take leadership and be dominant!

Show her you mean business!

180 hard on her, and detach emotionally so you can make the right decisions!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 8:51 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

While it is understandable to protect your child from the ugly truth it is important to be honest. There may be resentment and anger misplaced as a result of this action. You are teaching him that covering up bad actions is a good coping mechanism. Please give him the courtesy of honesty and good communication so he learns to do the same in future relationships.

I have to agree with Westway, it was extremely counter productive and deceitful to lie to your son. He is going to find out the truth and will loose respect for you because he will remember the deceit.

I really suggest you find your anger before it finds you. Keeping things in to the degree you are doing is akin to blowing up a balloon at some stage it will VIOLENTLY pop.

Showing constraint is one thing, covering up for your adulteress wife (on paper only) is quite another.

By far the healthiest thing you can do now is to get away from your toxic WW, as far and fast as possible.

And don't lie to the kid again.

I have to agree with Westway, it was extremely counter productive and deceitful to lie to your son. He is going to find out the truth and will loose respect for you because he will remember the deceit.

I believe his son will lose respect when he finds out his mom had an 18 years affair and his father, the man of the house, the captain of the ship, didn't stand up and take decisive action against this huge betrayal!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 8:55 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

The more you write, the more she looks like a Cluster-B disordered (most probably narcissistic) person, trying to preserve her public and self-image. She doesn't want to let go of the illusion of a faithful and loving wife, together with the associated lifestyle. Now that the image and lifestyle are under threat, she's had a "change of heart" and she uses various ways to manipulate you into backing down on the divorce.

I agree. The channel changing is a dead giveaway. Be very careful now and please do everything you can to snap out of the Mr Nice Guy feedback loop you are in. I’ve been there and it’s nowhere to be, and in my case I don’t consider my WW NPD or BPD. There are many red flags in your case, however. Best to get away from her as fast as you can.

Late last week I met with lawyer and his advice had pieces that were directly opposed to advice in this thread. I mentioned some things I wanted to do and he said it would hurt my case if I did it (ie vengeance calling OMS, telling family members etc). He said I would look better to judge and even other lawyer if I controlled the urge to do that.

He recommended trying to reconcile as it would help me later if we separated, among other things. Or at least appear as if you want to.

You need to get another opinion. Exposure is recommended by almost every single adultery/betrayal expert. It is not vengeance to tell the OBS or her family what you are dealing with. Just do it in a calm and businesslike way.

Trying to reconcile can be seen as condonation. Same with sex. Did he tell you that?

You want a divorce from a wife who didn't have sex with you for almost 2 decades and cheated on you as well, and the lawyer told you to attempt reconciliation for the purposes of appearance?

Yes, it is time for a new lawyer.

I agree. The channel changing is a dead giveaway. [...] There are many red flags in your case, however.

I'd add the lack of empathy and introspection. Narcissistic people severely lack in the empathy department and they have a fuzzy idea of boundaries. She's probably convinced that the way she thinks about her affair (no big deal) should also be the way YOU think about it.

"I witheld sex for 18 years, practically lived in an alternative marriage for the said period, devalued you in front of your kids, threatened to badmouth you to my family and treated like rubbish, but now I promise I'll be nice if you agree not to divorce me. Are we cool?"

I think this poster is as profoundly disordered as his wife. It takes two to tango. I don’t think he’s American. I don’t think SI can help. Masochism is real, sick, and sad.

It is so hard to read about someone being bullied and mistreated again and again and see that person so readly take the blame for it.

You wife was in an active Affair for 18 years... You were denied sex for that time and she has acknowledged that she she knew you we interested...she was having sex with a married man instead.

You confronted she admitted. You told her NC. She said she HAD to see him to break it off. You told her NO. She met with him for over 7 hours. You have asked for phone access so you can see that the affair has ended. She has said that you have to TRUST her.... again... She had an 18 year affair and met with the guy for 8 hours after you told her not to....

The only thing she had done is shown small crumbs of affection. She has not read anything about your healing, she has offered nothing to help you heal or trust her, she has shown nothing but disregard for your feeling.

This clearly a case of ... "Ill be good for a few weeks until this blows over"...

You are looking for signs that she wants to be with you. News flash - she wants to use you. Those are the signs you are seeing.

Please get into IC (DO NOT BRING HER) please talk to a lawyer and PLEASE, PLEASE do a hard 180.

You dont' need to bring up the 7 hour "break-up" and get proof. SHE has admitted to an 18 year affair and the fact that she went off with him for 7 hours is enough to tell you that she has NO REMORSE.

Move forward with the Divorce and the 180.

Then she drafted a text with my help ending it and telling him never to contact her again.

He was open to meet with me to set the record straight but I told her to text him and tell him there is no reason for us to meet and nothing good will come of it.

He aplogized to her in text for the “nightmare” he caused her.

So she says "Don't ever contact me again." He ignores this and responds to her text. And you tell her to respond to that? I'm sorry for the 2x4, but neither of you seem to understand NO CONTACT. She should have sent the no contact text and immediately blocked his number.

You need to go no contact with your WW. If you are planning to D, it will be the best thing.

As far as the lawyer's advice, I would suggest you meet with a couple of other attorneys and find out their opinions. I'm not a lawyer and I don't know the laws in your area. Based on what I experienced in my D, and what I have heard from others on this site, I would disagree with your attorney. I think that is his opinion (just as this is mine). take it (mine) with a grain of salt.

Your WW is still trying to control things. She will try to convince the counselor that you don't need to see her phone, she ended the A, told him not to contact her and now YOU have to trust HER. Most MC's are very bad at handling infidelity.

Focus on yourself. If your house has projects to do, do them yourself. She can work on other projects, by herself. This is what D means. You may as well start preparing yourself for your new reality.

My short take. 1. Sexless marriage means she's been getting laid elsewhere for all of those years (you have proof). 2. You did nothing once you found out. You should already be divorced and moved on with your life. 3. She's trained herself to be a whore. Nothing you do is going to change this. She is and will always be a cheater. 4. You're spending way to much time analyzing. Your kids are grown. Divorce the cheater. Kick her out of your house. She's proven what she thinks of you and her children. She's cheated on all of you. She only cares about herself; no one else exists in her mind. Get yourself out of hell. Do it without looking back. Do it without questioning why. Just do it now...please. I wish the best for you. This life is about you now; you are the prize. Take care of yourself.

Ok. Am I the only person on the board that thinks this is a total fake out?

The person keeps ignoring solid advice, and not even a eunuch could be this passive. And a lawyer who advises to keep up appearances.

This simply is as bad a troll as they come.

Awoken, are you serious? I can see she is trying her darndest to manipulate you back into her control, and it's working! Do you think ANY of her half assed measures excuse DECADES of deceit and cruelty?

You've seen what she can do when she's cruel. You've heard what's she's said to you, knowing what YOU know, and her knowing that you know it. Let me remind you:

- “I have no respect for you”

- “I have a disdain for you”

- “I hate you”

- “You are a child”

Sound familiar? They say a person reveals themselves completely when drunk or when angry. Your wife has revealed her true self to you. She holds you in contempt. That's what she thinks, not some half-assed last minute attempt to save herself by crying and playing lovey-dovey at the last second when you are threatening to end the gravy train.

Litmus test: has she initiated any intimacy since you told her you would be divorcing her?

Ditto what 'longsadstory1952' said. This thread seems very odd.

I don’t think it’s our place to publicly call out posters we doubt.

The correct procedure would be to notify a moderator. They have all sorts of tricks in their ju-ju bag to seed out fakes and imposters.

Personally, I try to stay off threads that I find unrealistic.

If Awoken is experiencing a real situation, but I doubted his authenticy, I would prefer to have been quiet and wrong, rather than loud and wrong and maybe remove this resource from his arsenal.

Awoken – I have stated this previously and will repeat again. It’s the main reason I haven’t contributed much:

This situation is way above our paygrade here on SI.

You need solid professional advice focused on YOU.

Based on what you share then I think you BOTH need intense professional treatment before even considering if you two should be married. What you have and have had from the minute your wife decided to cheat has no resemblance whatsoever to what is considered “marriage”. That could be changed, but a group of people on an online forum are not the correct lever to use.