Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Just found out mid July

Topic is Sleeping.
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WilliamM ( Member #60910) posted at 9:47 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

Please read hellfire's post over and over. I think she is 200% correct.

Edited for errors.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 9:56 PM, September 7th (Monday)]

All things are possible.

posts: 1157   ·   registered: Oct. 4th, 2017   ·   location: Dallas, TX
id 8584595
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 9:56 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

Please get away from her.

She’s not willing to help you.

She’s blaming YOU that when you are upset or withdrawn YOU are setting recovery back ten steps. Is she kidding

here??

Wow she’s not willing to be transparent unless someone else tells her that is what she should do.

She has no respect. She continues to stall YOUR healing again and again.

Please move forward without her. Heal yourself.

Read up on the 180. Get detached from her to protect yourself.

You deserve better than this. Much better.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8584596
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Mene ( Member #64377) posted at 3:38 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

5-hour dinner?! Really, you believe that? What should have taken 10 min took 5 hours? She obviously forgot to add the other things they did together during that tine.

She has zero respect for you.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 826   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8584701
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 5:36 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

I said you told me you went to dinner, but you could have easily been elsewhere. I asked for the receipt and she said he paid. I asked her what did you eat - and she told me (I later checked the restaurants menu and her story checks out, UNLESS she has been there many times before and knows whats on the menu).

She could quite easily have been at the restaurant and then went elsewhere. It’s quite likely in fact, 5 hours is a long time in a restaurant when you’re normally in and out of one in 2 or 3 hours at most.

You know she is still lying to you and most likely still seeing him. If you want the outcome here to be different then you can’t keep doing the same things. Go and see a lawyer and get things together but I’d suggest moving out if you can, even temporarily and limiting contact - at the moment she is simply feeding you bullshit when you talk to her and it’s dragging you back down each time.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8584724
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 7:31 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

For gods sake... don’t lose any evidence. She’s soooo obvious.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8584736
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 8:22 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Don’t loose anything!

[This message edited by Buffer at 2:23 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8584742
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 10:01 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Infidelity is incredibly hard. When you have a Betrayed that either hear their WS having sex on audio, or see it on video, or catch them in the act, it adds yet another layer of trauma.

If or when you tell a story like that, most people (evenpeople who never experienced infidelity) shivers and can imagine the pain it would cause. I would venture that even a good portion of Waywards would feel shame in that scenario, because many Waywards do have a bit of empathy left somewhere; not much but some.

Your WW just wants the audio recording deleted. She doesn’t care what damage it has done to you. These recordings are not video, it’s not like they could be released on the internet for revenge. She worries about her reputation and that’s it.

She doesn’t care how you feel about meeting her BF “for one last time”, she just does it under your nose. Again, it’s all about her.

“Hey husband, you have evidence of my cheating. Delete it. Remove surveillance equipment. Access to my phone? Are you kidding? What I and my BF sayto each other is private, none of your business.

Yeah, I met my BF (of 18 years) for most of a day to break up, deal with it.

You want intimacy? LOL. I respect my husband so much that I reserve intimacy for my BF only. Now I’m going to see a friend. Are we good? Everything peachy?”

This woman has as much empathy as a cactus.

It’s ironic that she doesn’t want to be a 2nd wife but she had had basically 2 husbands most of her adult life. One that provides for her and one that she’s in love with.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she has been funneling some of your marital money to her BF as well.

I suspect that she’s with you mostly for your money, and she knows that if you divorce her, she’ll get plenty of money anyways. She doesn’t have much to lose so she does whatever she wants.

If you D her, buy her a GPS. Tell her it’s to help her “find herself”.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8584748
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 12:11 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

I agree and have started to look for a therapist and you are right

Glad you're taking steps to ensure your own well-being in this terrible situation. You deserve to live your life with self-respect and respect from others. A good therapist should help you untangle some of your issues and build a better future for yourself.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8584771
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 Awoken (original poster New Member #75302) posted at 12:23 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

@HellFire, I think you are very accurate

@Jambomo, I am NOT moving out - that’s a really bad move leaving the matrimonial home

@ShutterHappy, it’s unlikely that she has been funnelling money to him as I have control over the business accounts and he has his own money and is successful. She has however, some of her own credit cards which we pay out of our joint account, but I only get the statements from her at the end of the year for tax purposes. (I guess so she doesn’t remember a charge 9 months later she had ie dinner out with him) - Also, to be honest, although I had to hear the audio of them having sex 2-3 times before my brain accepted what they were actually doing, it wasn’t the act of sex that absolutely destroyed and gutted me. It was HOW she was talking to him leading up to sex and after - she has NEVER spoken that way to me. THAT was the worst part of the whole thing which is etched into my mind.

The home we are in is a custom home we just built and she mentioned yesterday that went she went on her walk before she went out with her friend, that she got thinking about our next project and got very excited, but then she thought of the fight we had just had and got sad.

I flat out told her hold on thats what you are thinking about? It’s not thinking about us and our future first and foremost, but rather a project OUTSIDE our relationship. She flat out told me she wasn;t going to lie and said yes. I have known this all along and our plan was always to continue building and selling, as it has been very profitable for us on this one, and she is extremely talented in that area and did a stellar job.

When she came back from her friends house I was outside getting some work done on the property and she came up to me gave me a hug and asked me to give her a hug from my heart. Then she proceeded to kiss me on the cheek and all over my ear. It told her to stop, as she’s never done this before in public (ie in full view of neighbours), but she continued and she said what do you care what they think?

Then we went to dinner as a family with the kids and at dinner she was on her phone. She looked up at me and politely asked me to look something up for her. My phone was in my pocket, so I said to her “You are on your phone, you can look it up yourself. Your fingers aren’t broken”. Well, let’s say she got upset and asked me when did I become not nice.

After dinner, on way out of restaurant walking to car, she says “Why weren;t you nice before to do what I asked? You usually do it?” I said “The problem with me is I have always been too nice.”

Then I shit you not, she said this “Being a Nice Guy is the only thing you had going for you.” Now I know how she is when she is joking and when she is serious - and she was serious.

I responded “Thank you for telling me the truth on how you really feel.”

Then she started backtracking in front of our kids that I can’t take a joke. I guess at this stage it’s not shocking anymore to see WHO she really is.

We get home, we are in the bathroom together and she wanted to go away for a day or 2 just her and I this weekend. She made a few suggestions and I said no then she suggested a very nice hotel in town and I told her I would look into it. Then I left her without saying goodnight.

I am meeting with the lawyer in 2 days, however I need to try to get out of going away if I can, as I know the hotel will likely be a way for her to try to manipulate me and she will lose it if I reject her.

The other part of me though needs to make sure I maintain appearances and don’t do too many things out of the ordinary while I see the lawyer and prepare for D.

Just because I am seeing the lawyer Thursday doesn’t mean I will be ready to file on Friday.

One more thing - my wife absolutely loves the holidays and does more than her fair share for our families, constantly hosting during holidays and working her ass off - she has doen that from day one.

She is starting to get excited and has already told our families about us hosting in the new house. That’s her perfect little fantasy world in a big house to entertain.

I think when she is finally served, she will be in shock as that will potentially screw up all of her plans. It will only become real to her then.

[This message edited by Awoken at 6:46 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8584773
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DeWittle ( Member #50857) posted at 1:05 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Then I shit you not, she said this “Being a Nice Guy is the only thing you had going for you.” Now I know how she is when she is joking and when she is serious - and she was serious.

Damn Brother, my heart hurts for you. You don’t have to take this shit.

Why are you communicating with her? You want to know how to stop the abusive comments, STOP talking to her. I know you probably want to R but you have nothing, absolutely nothing to work with, hell she jest went on a date with her BF. Quit playing family, too. If you want to take the kids out, then take them, tell the WW to go hook up with her BF again.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 7:06 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 322   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2015
id 8584786
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 1:16 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Then I shit you not, she said this “Being a Nice Guy is the only thing you had going for you.” Now I know how she is when she is joking and when she is serious - and she was serious.

I responded “Thank you for telling me the truth on how you really feel.”

Sadly, this is most probably one of the truest things she's said over the last dozen years or so. Many narcissistic folks hold their partners in well hidden contempt, but the mask slips from time to time.

One more thing - my wife absolutely loves the holidays and does more than her fair share for our families, constantly hosting during holidays and working her ass off - she has doen that from day one.

She is starting to get excited and has already told our families about us hosting in the new house. That’s her perfect little fantasy world in a big house to entertain.

Well, you have a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde on your hands. Dr Jekyll is for the outside world and Mr Hyde reappears once the door is closed. This is no way to live.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8584791
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 3:15 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

BindassBP

Why didn't you talk to him? You could have easily confirmed everything!!!

Um... lets see... because he would lie?

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8584838
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 Awoken (original poster New Member #75302) posted at 3:18 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

@Sceadugenga - the interesting thing is she has NOT hidden her contempt over the years.

She has overtly told me:

- “I have no respect for you”

- “I have a disdain for you”

- “I hate you”

- “You are a child”

And on and on.....The no respect comment I have heard for many many years, as well as the child comment. The disdain and hate you comments are more rare but they are there.

If I knew then what I know now regarding these comments, I would have left a long time ago.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8584842
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 3:33 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

I find it hard to read your posts because I can see how manipulative, Narsasistic and just mean she is to you. I don't know if you can see this to it's full extent because you've lived this way for so long that your sense of a respectful, loving relationship is scqued.

I need to try to get out of going away if I can, as I know the hotel will likely be a way for her to try to manipulate me and she will lose it if I reject her.

I also see the fear of confrontation or rocking the boat. I'm not saying it isn't warrented or that you don't have a reason to feel that way. It's just got to be so hard for you. Please start carrying a VAR with you at all times when you talk. Also, start doing the 180 (healing library) it will help you to detach and really see your WW for who she is... this will make it much easier for you to say no to her and walk off.

As for the ultra of manipulations can you - Make up something about work that would require you to be around the house? Can you fake that you've been feeling sickly? It takes several days to hear back about Covid that could easily ... buy you several days of sticking around the house.

The way you have been treated during her affair and after finding out makes R impossible. When she gets served just let her know that you are unable to trust her after her affair and that it's effecting your health. That you feel divorce is the only option. Without trust the marriage has nothing... I really don't understand how she has an argument... you had to listen to her declairing her love and having sex with another man (married). Meanwhile you her husband have not had sex with her for years.... Keep the conversation short.... it's not working....and Record it.

I'm sorry but she seems like the type to make DV alligations you need to be ready with a VAR.

You can't continue to live and be treated this way. You desearve someone that truly loves you for you.

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8584847
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 3:33 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Double post -- sorry

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:34 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8584848
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 4:18 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

She is starting to get excited and has already told our families about us hosting in the new house. That’s her perfect little fantasy world in a big house to entertain.

Is the new house a done deal? Are you certain you wish to enter into a huge financial commitment with a marriage with such a shaky foundation?

Is it possible to back out of any contract at this point? I was able to back out of a housing contract because of a death in the family, with no hits to my credit, but we were only just getting started with the purchase. They had a lot of buyers so it was not a problem.

“Being a Nice Guy is the only thing you had going for you.” Now I know how she is when she is joking and when she is serious - and she was serious.

It's as if she doesn't even care that you see she isn't even attempting to try to fix anything. I try to look for hope here usually but TBH I'm not seeing it. wishing you strength and a swift resolution of your terrible situation.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 10:21 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8584868
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 Awoken (original poster New Member #75302) posted at 5:16 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

@FreeMe - I am ready for a potential DV charge and I have a plan to preempt it

@KingOfNothing - We are already in the new house and we built it. I have already been speaking to agents (we are both on board for this as this was our plan all along) and will likely have some interested buyers soon - it is not officially on the market

This morning she has been all over me on her best behaviour, trying to get close to her. She came within inches of me many times and each time I pull aside or turn my head.

She was telling me a story she heard from some doctors at the gym she goes to and overheard one of them talking about a patient of hers that is dying and the doctor was telling the others doctors that the patient should just get over it, you are dying. She couldn’t believe how uncaring they were.

I was quiet and she asked what I was thinking - so I told her. I said it sounds pretty similar to your stance that I should just get over your affair. At that point she came to hug me and told me she is sorry. It told her just as the doctor was uncaring and callous, is exactly how you have been during this.

She then proceeded to tell me that we can choose our thoughts going forward and focus on the present. Regardless of how other people have healed from affairs, everyone’s situation is different. If we stay positive and move forward, we will do fine. She is intent on doing things her way but the part of controlling thoughts and changing to positive, she is 100% correct about.

Later in the kitchen, she kept coming close to me kissed me on the cheek as I turned my head and then as I was leaving asked me to come back. She asked if I had a problem with her invading my personal space and I said yes I do. She asked me why, are you angry? I said yes. She said is it something I just did - I said no. She asked do you want to talk about it? I said no because you never do and it will likely turn into a long conversation and I have work to do.

She asked me how long for her to stay out of my personal space and I said awhile and I left to get work done.

[This message edited by Awoken at 11:17 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8584891
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 5:24 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

She asked me why, are you angry? I said yes. She said is it something I just did - I said no.

Can I ask why, when she asks if it’s something she did, you say no? You are mad because she is having an affair and she is trying to ignore this and pretend it hasn’t happened. If you are going to talk to her then wouldn’t it be better to acknowledge why you are mad and not let her pretend she has done nothing wrong?

[This message edited by Jambomo at 11:24 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8584898
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 5:47 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

She has overtly told me:

- “I have no respect for you”

- “I have a disdain for you”

- “I hate you”

- “You are a child”

I feel your pain. I experienced something similar although not as openly disdainful. And for some reason I also bought the "you are a bad/negligent partner" story, which made me believe I didn't deserve any better. Now, six months out, I realise that the pain of separation is slowly getting preferable to living in the constant belief that "I was enough".

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 11:51 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8584905
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 7:05 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

She is intent on doing things her way but the part of controlling thoughts and changing to positive, she is 100% correct about.

Ok in unicorn world "positive thoughts" might solve everything. It might be possible to go to your happy place and ignore the triggers of your wife telling OM she loves him and forget the sounds of them having sex in your car.

In this world talking about what she did wrong (Affair) only brings negative energy. So you need to pretend it didn't happen? Burying your feelings, concerns, judgement, questions... would be much more healthy??? Blindly trusting her while she continues to hide her phone, and have 7 plus hour meet ups with OM. Is the way to go because it's positive and she says so....

It's easy for her to visit this world of unicorn's and rainbows because you didn't have an affair... she doesn't need to do anything to fix this.

@FreeMe - I am ready for a potential DV charge and I have a plan to preempt it

I"m really glad you are taking precautions, I'm worried for you.

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8584930
Topic is Sleeping.
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