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Just got dumped

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GotTheShaft posted 10/16/2020 08:28 AM

Lieshurt and AnnieOakley, you both make good points. Iím going to talk with her today and maybe cancel the date. This is just so hard. Iím hurting a lot. I want my ex back, but sheís not coming back. I know I need to move forward, but Iím probably not ready yet. Ugh.

Catwoman posted 10/16/2020 08:50 AM

I know I need to move forward, but Iím probably not ready yet.

"Moving forward" does not equal dating. You can move forward in a lot of ways, like taking up neglected hobbies or getting involved with a new hobby. Volunteering. Enjoying time with friends.

As a woman, I, too, expect a man to be emotionally available when he asks me out. I don't expect every date to lead to a long-term relationship, but I do expect the man to be open and available for the same.

Ask yourself this: if this woman was reading your posts on this thread, what do you think she would think?


Chili posted 10/16/2020 08:53 AM

I know I need to move forward, but Iím probably not ready yet.

These two things really don't go together as a "this, then that." I've been encouraging you throughout this thread to absolutely move forward - but alone. Put all that energy and time and emotions into yourself. Get support in healthy places like family, friends, SI, IC, but while flying solo.

That's the hard, but genuine, way to heal. Standing on your own and saying "I got this." After you've moved through it - you will be amazed at your strength and perhaps along the way discovered new interests and even how you'd like your next relationship to look.

lieshurt posted 10/16/2020 08:55 AM

I believe you need to go ahead and cancel the date, period.

AnnieOakley posted 10/16/2020 10:59 AM

I want my ex back

You need to tell her this and out of respect for yourself and HER cancel that date. Period.

And yes to Chili, people have been encouraging you daily on moving forward....using another human being to fill up your emptiness is lazy, emotionally immature and just plain hurtful.

newlife03 posted 10/16/2020 11:52 AM

I agree about cancelling. Years ago I was casually seeing someone that I thought could potentially turn into something more with time. Turns out he was still pining for his ex and one evening when were going to meet up for some dancing he didn't show up. The next day I reached out and asked if all was well and he was honest in letting me know that he still needed to try "one more time" to work things out with his ex. They got back together. I was hurt that he hadn't finished things up with her before moving on to me, but also appreciated his honesty. I think any woman would rather hear the truth than be led into something that wasn't real from the beginning.

GotTheShaft posted 10/16/2020 13:57 PM

Thanks everyone for your firm but wise recommendations. I wish this wasn't so hard.

Absolution posted 10/19/2020 19:15 PM

How is it going GTS?

GotTheShaft posted 10/19/2020 21:13 PM

Todayís update. I canceled the date for this week. And then today I tested positive for Covid. I still miss my ex a lot. Iíve been in no contact since the end of the second week of the breakup. Itís been over 5 weeks since then. The Covid diagnosis will at least force me to not try to date, so thatís probably a blessing too. I have very little symptoms. Just exhaustion and a scratchy throat. I honestly thought I was just run down from obsessing over my breakup. Maybe dehydrated from having stomach issues due to the stress. Maybe that made me susceptible to Covid? Itís certainly been a challenging 2 months. But this all has to be for the best - the breakup, and probably even the Covid.

longsadstory1952 posted 10/20/2020 18:02 PM

"Just exhaustion?" Dude, take care of yourself. Stay at home and keep monitoring your self.

GotTheShaft posted 10/20/2020 20:32 PM

Thanks. Yeah, right now I really wish I could speak to my exGF and have her tell me itís all going to be ok. Iím a little scared about the Covid, but so far my symptoms have been mild. Hoping that continues. I miss the comfort and consistency that I had in my relationship more than ever right now.

twicefooled posted 10/21/2020 08:03 AM

GTS, it will be ok :) Take care of yourself.

GotTheShaft posted 10/21/2020 08:35 AM

Thanks twicefooled. Ugh. This has been a challenging two months. Just got to keep moving forward. The toughest part in both my breakup and the Covid is that I canít control either. I so badly want to just fix everything and make it all better. I want to feel normal again.

7+ weeks is a long time for her to not have reached out at all. Even to explain the breakup.

newlife03 posted 10/21/2020 17:11 PM

7+ weeks is a long time for her to not have reached out at all. Even to explain the breakup.

Yes, it is a long time. And I think we know that she has no plans to reach out at this point. I'm sorry because you definitely deserve an explanation. I am one of those who needs to know what is happening and why, so not knowing would be extremely frustrating. You're doing great by not reaching out!

As for Covid, I had it in August. Same as you, mild symptoms including exhaustion and lack of smell/taste. I had body aches that made my hips and legs feel like they had been in a freezer! But all is well now. Get PLENTY OF REST and don't overdo anything anytime soon. Hugs

GotTheShaft posted 10/21/2020 20:14 PM

Thanks newlife03. Yeah, itís weird. I definitely deserve better than the way she ended things, and I agree that I donít foresee me getting that. I just have to chalk it up to her not being the right person for me, and her behavior proves it. As many others have posted, what explanation would I have been able to accept? Probably none, but at least she would have been doing the right thing in the ending of a 2-1/2 year relationship. Even if she simply fell out of love with me, she could have been honorable enough to say that. It probably wouldnít have hurt any less, but it would have been the correct thing to do. Couple that with the strange behavior of my best friend, and I just canít understand any of this. Thanks for listening/reading and posting.

Catwoman posted 10/22/2020 07:13 AM

And I think we know that she has no plans to reach out at this point.


It isn't going to happen. And while you should have gotten an explanation, the fact that you didn't should tell you everything you need to know about what kind of person she is.

It's very difficult to wrap one's head around this, but it's very necessary to move forward with YOU. Not with dating or finding another girlfriend, but with YOU.

There's a great book out there called "It's A Breakup Because It's Broken." I HIGHLY recommend it. I think you'll see that the author (who is a man) makes a lot of sense.

It might be good reading while you're recovering. Hopefully this is a mild case, you caught it early, and you can recover. Please do all the right things: mind your hydration and nutrition and get plenty of rest.


GotTheShaft posted 10/22/2020 12:18 PM

Catwoman, you are absolutely right. It speaks more about the person she is than the person that I am. And, I do think that the Covid is God's way of telling me to slow down and not go out dating. You're probably right about that too.

Funny thing is that I did pick up that book "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" a couple weeks ago. I read it and liked it. Maybe I need to read it again.

I've also been listening to the Art of Love podcasts that someone else had recommended.

This all just stinks, but if I'm being 100% honest, there were big issues that I had with her sons that prevented me from proposing to her, so maybe she saw the writing was on the wall. Breakups always suck, but her behavior (and more importantly my best friend's behavior) really don't make any sense to me.

Trapped74 posted 10/23/2020 16:20 PM

So much to unpack here. Some of this has been said, but needs to be reiterated.

First off - SHE DID NOT GHOST YOU. People need to stop saying that. You yourself said:

Now, I have a better understanding of how I could have handled the issues she brought up, and I have a better idea of how we can approach them together.

So she did tell you reasons for the breakup. You just chose to gloss over them because the result didn't fit in with your wishes.

Why tell me at the beach that she would be willing to talk "soon" and then text my friend that she doesn't want to? Why not tell me when she saw me? Or text me herself? So immature and cruel.

You had just displayed complete disregard for her boundaries. She made it clear she no longer desired a relationship with you, and you responded by inserting yourself into her mini-vacation. You were unsafe to her at that moment and she just wanted you to go away without causing a scene or ending up with you being violent. Another woman said it perfectly: Men are afraid women will laugh at them; women are afraid men will murder them.

She accepted the invite with your friend because she wants to hear all about how much you miss her, not because she wants to be in contact.


She could care less about sending you a secret signal. She a wants to go fishing.

The relationship was far from perfect prior to the breakup. In fact, I came close to breaking up with her a couple times.

Great! Not only did she tell you the issues she had with you when she not-ghosted you during the breakup, you acknowledge things weren't perfect, so you should understand better her reasons for ending it.

and that when she's ready to discuss this, I'm ready to listen without getting defensive.

7+ weeks is a long time for her to not have reached out at all. Even to explain the breakup.

I'm not going to get into all the sexist "women don't like weak men" crap. Man or woman, you are trying to control this situation. You are essentially telling her you are entitled to something (you're not), along with the veiled implication that she doesn't really know what she's doing (she does), she'll come to her senses soon.

She came to her senses already. She gave you reasons. She gave you boundaries.

And be honest with yourself: What are you hoping to gain by any sort of further communication with her? Closure? Doubtful. Everything you've said points to the idea that you think you can change her mind. Again, let us dispense with the sexist bullshit some guy spouted about men being rational and women being emotional. She made a reasoned decision for herself. Please try to respect it.

Breakups suck, we've all been there. But with what you've said about your attempted interactions with her and the fact that you have said a few times you got boosts from other women in the last few weeks screams volumes. You need to get right with you. Even if you never date another woman in your lifetime, you need to find the worthiness in GTS that makes it OK to be alone.

Man or woman, people can smell neediness a loooooong ways off. Complete yourself, don't look to complete or be completed by anyone else.

Good luck. Let it go.

GotTheShaft posted 10/23/2020 17:24 PM

Trapped74, thank you for your post. I think you make a lot of good points. One thing I want to clarify is that Iím only guessing about what her issues are. She never told me on the day she broke up. She just said she hasnít felt like sheís been in the relationship for a while and it was time to break up. Maybe thatís all she needed to say, and Iím expecting too much. But two weeks earlier she was talking marriage and spending 50+ years together. We had dated for 2-1/2 years. I would have thought that a discussion about breaking up would be the right thing to do. But youíre right, I probably wouldnít have accepted it. I still donít. I donít want to be broken up, and I canít seem to let go, even though itís clear that she doesnít want to talk or get back together.

I think this breakup really brought out a lot of the same feelings that my divorce and exWWís infidelity brought up. The abandonment, the not wanting to work on the relationship, the rejection, and the suddenness on my end. It took me two years after the divorce to meet this woman and feel like I could completely trust someone and love someone again. Thatís now been shattered here.

Maybe she ďowesĒ me nothing. But itís a shame she couldnít have had a better explanation. And losing my best friend in the deal hurts too. I donít want to believe that there was infidelity here, but his behavior certainly makes me wonder.

GotTheShaft posted 10/26/2020 09:07 AM

Man this virus is wiping me out. Iíve slept almost all day the past week and Iím still exhausted. Still no contact from the ex girlfriend or from my best friend. I donít even think theyíre aware that I have Covid. Itís so weird that the two people I was closest to only 2 months ago are both completely gone from my life. Yesterday I was missing the ex girlfriend a lot and feeling really sad. I had been doing better for a couple weeks, so itís strange that the feelings crept back into my mind so strong yesterday. I know Iíll get through this illness and the breakup but theyíre both getting to me intensely right now.

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