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Just got dumped

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phmh posted 10/5/2020 19:23 PM

It's been said here a lot that getting over your first real breakup after divorce can be even harder than the breakup of the much-longer term relationship that brought you to SI. So be gentle with yourself.

It's been a long time since I've read it, but the book/website "Getting Past Your Breakup" really helped me when I was getting past everything with WXH. I can't remember specifics and have no idea if I'd still consider it helpful, but you can check out the website for free and probably get the book from your library.

As for how else to get over it? Just like you were doing before. For me what worked was endurance exercise (kept me occupied and gave me endorphins), yoga (many times with tears streaming down my face), artistic (I have never been artistic, but took a few of those wine and paint classes and there is something so healing about taking acrylic paint and smearing it all over canvas), and staying busy. Harder to do when so many things are closed because of the pandemic, but now you have time to focus on you! What are some things you've always wanted to do/learn/try? Now is your chance!

annanew posted 10/5/2020 19:53 PM

Your exGF has ghosted you and never gave you any kind of acceptable reason or explanation

And WHY would she do this? could it possibly be because the reason does not cast her in a positive light?

Not sure why you think infidelity is so unlikely. It's everywhere.

The reason I keep pushing on this is that I have seen people make up all kinds of excuses for someone leaving them, even viewing them as some sort of martyr. But it's much more likely that the explanation is simple, she got interested in someone else. She can't give you a valid reason because there isn't one.

newlife03 posted 10/5/2020 23:53 PM

Thank you, Iíll check it out!

GotTheShaft posted 10/6/2020 07:26 AM

phmh and annanew, thank you. It definitely feels harder than the divorce breakup that brought me to SI. Maybe itís because Iíve forgotten how hard that was? Maybe because the pain builds upon one another? I donít know. It just hurts, and Iím not being patient or kind to myself.

I went boxing after work and I hung out with friends watching football and baseball. It felt good to be around friends.

I listened to a guided meditation with subliminal messages on getting over your breakup last night. Not sure if it made a difference. Maybe I need to repeat it?

Thereís just no magic bullet for this. I remember before - you canít get over it or around it, you have to get through it, and getting through it is really hard.

GotTheShaft posted 10/6/2020 13:52 PM

Just spoke with my therapist. She told me while I keep saying "it's ALREADY been nearly 6 weeks, and I'm still feeling empty and mopey", she's actually saying "it's ONLY been 6 weeks."

And, factor in that I only am just now giving up hope for reconciliation, my timeline is going to be delayed. She said I will probably be in this place for several months. Ugh.

One day at a time, I guess.

Westway posted 10/7/2020 09:25 AM


And WHY would she do this? could it possibly be because the reason does not cast her in a positive light?

Not sure why you think infidelity is so unlikely. It's everywhere.

The reason I keep pushing on this is that I have seen people make up all kinds of excuses for someone leaving them, even viewing them as some sort of martyr. But it's much more likely that the explanation is simple, she got interested in someone else. She can't give you a valid reason because there isn't one.

I never said infidelity was unlikely. I agree with you: she probably dumped GTS because she found a new beau. In fact I would lay good money on it. But we don't know that, and he doesn't know that for sure, and that's why he can't process it. If he found out she was a cheater like his xWW, he could rouse the anger to help him process it, but he's dealing with an unknown. She might have dumped him for a new guy, or she might have dumped him because she doesn't like the way he eats his cereal. He'll never know, and that's why its so hard for him. She has riled up every insecurity and self-doubt he has inside him.

GotTheShaft posted 10/7/2020 09:35 AM

Westway, you nailed it!

I don't think she found a new person. Sure, it's possible, but I don't think so. If anything, I'm thinking that my "best friend" hasn't slept with her yet but probably wants to. She is leaning on him now, and he gets to be the big hero for her. Yes, he just started dating a girl 4 months ago, but my ex-girlfriend is prettier, lives closer, makes more money, and has fewer kids - a definite upgrade for him, but he's a serious downgrade for her compared to me. But yes, the uncertainty is what's tough.

For whatever reason, she feels the need to reach out to him when I showed up at the beach and when I wished her brother in law a happy birthday. She was probably venting, and he probably thought that means she's into him. Maybe he will eventually make his move, and she will probably be repulsed and turn him down. At that point, either she will realize he was playing her and perhaps she might reach out to me to give me closure. Or maybe he will reach out to me and tell me he "overreacted" to me and return to be my friend?

I think she probably texted him during the day that she broke up with me. Maybe to vent that I shared the facebook post that was her "last straw", and maybe he said something like "I guess he will never learn" or something to that effect. That would explain how he guessed her reason for breaking up with me - he's not that intuitive to have figured it out on his own. Maybe he saw his opening and buried me instead of defending me?

The not knowing is hurting me the worst.

The1stWife posted 10/7/2020 13:12 PM

Maybe sheís a coward and will never tell you the truth.

Westway posted 10/7/2020 16:16 PM

Maybe you and your "best friend" should go behind the bleachers and have a talk man to man. If you want answers it is the only way.

[This message edited by Westway at 4:17 PM, October 7th (Wednesday)]

GotTheShaft posted 10/7/2020 16:20 PM

Westway, what would he actually tell me? If he isnít sleeping with her and I accuse him, heís going to be pissed and not tell me anything. If he is sleeping with her, heís certainly not going to tell me that. Unfortunately I will have to wait it out. If he isnít sleeping with her, and he calms down from being upset, maybe he will eventually share her side of the story. If he is sleeping with her, I think eventually that will become apparent. Either his girlfriend will catch him, or he will break up with his girlfriend and start dating my ex. I just have to let it go and wait to find answers some other time.

twicefooled posted 10/7/2020 16:22 PM

GTS have you talked to your best friend yet? It just seems like a lot of supposition and coincidences that could end up being not related to each other. And if he is not seeing your ex, you've only wound yourself up.

Bros before hoes right? I would put my energy into seeing what's up with him before spending anymore energy on her.

blahblahblahe posted 10/7/2020 18:12 PM

I prefer simplicity whenever possible.

1. The X is a low-class human being who ghosted someone after a 2-year relationship, ergo she is damaged goods and need not be thought of in any positive manner again.

2. Your friend of many years chooses the low-class human being's side, ergo he is/was not/never your friend thus he is damaged goods and need not ever be thought of in any positive manner again.

Just move on from both, in fact, sever all contact with them permanently, one should not tolerate people such as this nor their associates in your life. I honestly cannot imagine having people like this in my inner circle.

GotTheShaft posted 10/8/2020 06:58 AM

The way she handled the breakup is UNACCEPTABLE!
The way she is behaving now is UNACCEPTABLE!
The way my best friend is behaving is UNACCEPTABLE!

I DESERVE better!
I DESERVE a healthy relationship with someone who loves me!
I DESERVE an explanation when I upset someone!
I DESERVE to be loved!
I DESERVE to be happy!

Twicefooled, I have not spoken with him. Could all be coincidental, but still doesnít explain his abandonment of me.

Blahblahblahe, theyíve never displayed this behavior in the past, but both are sure behaving this way now. I can dismiss a woman Iíve only known for 2-1/2 years much more easily than a best friend of 36 years. But in both cases, the ball is in their court and I just need to step back and let the chips fall where they may.

Poppy704 posted 10/8/2020 07:33 AM

Gently, you were not living together. You were not engaged. You were not married. Your ex-gf for whatever reason decided you were not the One. That is acceptable. That is ok. She tried to break it off cleanly rather than engaging in the low slow death route. Perhaps she understood that you would persist in seeking not just explanations but the explanation that youíd find acceptable. There usually isnít one, because love or the lack of it isnít quantifiable and logical.

Itís not helping you to have her demonized here. Sheís not going to be the common denominator that moves on to your next relationship. Shift the focus onto yourself and how you can be a healthy, happy partner in the future.

Charity411 posted 10/8/2020 08:20 AM

I have to say GTS, I agree with Poppy. You yourself said early in this thread that you had a big argument with her. That it was about two issues, one being her jealousy and the other being what I surmise was about reprimanding one of her kids. It was vague, as you attributed it to "her issue" from growing up with a half sibling. And she told you there was a last straw, and there was an issue with Facebook. You didn't go into what that was.

So she didn't just ghost you. She told you she was ending it and why. You just didn't accept it. Yeah, you love her, and you didn't want it to end, and it hurts. I get that. But allowing people to trash her without setting the record straight isn't fair. And it's not helping you move on either.

Westway posted 10/8/2020 09:30 AM

The behavior of the best friend is the one I have issue with. If he's ghosting you then something is up. I do believe he has violated the bro code.

TKOGA posted 10/8/2020 09:41 AM

I agree with Poppy and Charity. Several people in this thread need to get ahold of themselves. This is ridiculous.

twicefooled posted 10/8/2020 10:34 AM

"There were 2 main issues for her - both of which I believe were her insecurities. One was an intense jealousy of other women, which I never put myself in a position where I was alone with another woman at work, at lunch, or whatever. The other hangup was an issue her mother experienced with her dad revolving around her mother not being able to reprimand her half-sister. Neither of these issues surfaced in our relationship until a couple weeks ago, when they both (weakly) arose. In both cases, I had done the right thing, but evidently she still had concerns. She cited one of those issues as "the last straw" but said she felt like she hadn't been "in the relationship" for a while (probably dating back to April when she was overthinking)."

Westway posted 10/8/2020 11:57 AM

when they both (weakly) arose.

So these were not issues until she needed them to be. And it sounds like they were not issues that you caused or were directly related to. Unless, for whatever reason you didn't give her enough sympathy or encouragement when she talked about them with you. In other words, you didn't blow enough smoke up her ass and she got angry at you but never told you until the very end.

No, they were convenient excuses she drudged up at the last minute to justify her desire to break up with you. I understand Poppy and Charity running to the rescue of this woman, but I don't see where she is deserving of such.

If this had been a one or two month dating relationship then her ghosting of you might be overlooked. But this was a two+ year long term relationship. You don't just abruptly end a LTR like that unless some huge circumstance warranted it.

[This message edited by Westway at 11:59 AM, October 8th (Thursday)]

Poppy704 posted 10/8/2020 12:09 PM

Westway: I would say the EXACT same thing to a woman posting about her ex.

The most valuable advice I was given AND lessons I learned reentering the dating world all boil down to loving yourself and accepting that you cannot control other peopleís feelings and actions. Sometimes that means accepting when someone simply doesnít want you the way you want them. It doesnít diminish you as a person, it doesnít diminish them as a person.

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 12:09 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]

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