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At a loss

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Breakingapart posted 8/25/2020 18:48 PM

Still waiting for financial agreement to be completed. Last few months Iíve been having to ask for money to pay for bills, food...I fell like itís a control thing on his part. Had to ask again this week and was to told pay for it myself. Meanwhile he is spending like crazy....new home, new furniture, golf membership, dinners out, booze, etc etc.....
Iím at a loss. I feel like every time I consult with my lawyer it costs an arm and a leg. I am budgeting, I am frugal. I am caring for his four children and our home. I am mom, psychologist, gardener, plumber, electrician, cleaner, chef etc etc...while he is off living his happy little fucking life with no responsibilities.
This sucks shit! He is a stranger and an asshole. Guess I just needed to vent. Any advice is appreciated.

Lifeexploded posted 8/25/2020 19:33 PM

I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I don't know why they act like this. Mine was all nice until the divorce was final and then turned completely insane.

josiep posted 8/25/2020 19:44 PM

I wish there was a way to shame these Dads (and Moms) publicly when they don't support their children.

Would it be possible to sign up for every type of assistance out there? School lunch? Church meals? Food stamps? Medicaid? Heating assistance? And not that you intend to move there but apply for low-income housing. Could you ask his parents or relatives for a loan so you can buy groceries? Or to pay the kids' school fees or for their new shoes?

I know it would be impossible to do but it wouldn't it be a wonderful thing to drop the kids off at his house and not come back for a couple of weeks? Get sent out of town for work training or to take care of elderly parents (because we'd never just take off like they do but boy, oh boy, you know if we did, we'd end up losing our kids or in jail). Or find a killer job pet and house sitting somewhere for 2 weeks to earn extra money.

In the meantime, know that it won't be like this forever and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Give your kids extra hugs and kisses and reassure them that you'll never leave them, no matter what and remind them that you're not a quitter and you'll figure out a way to make sure they always have good food and warm beds. And plan a fun night together, roast marshmallows and tell scary stories or some such (depending on their ages) but whatever it is, make sure you all have belly laughs together. Then the other stuff won't weigh so heavy on you.

Buffer posted 8/25/2020 19:45 PM

All I can say is yes he is all that you have stated. Vent please vent, don't keep it in.
One day at a time

Breakingapart posted 8/25/2020 21:49 PM

Thank you! My kids wonít go hungry. Iím just so fucking angry that they choose to act this way and society and law accept it. The system is broken!
I have been putting aside my EI and Iím returning to work part time...despite keeping 2/4 kids home because of this crazy pandemic. I hope I can manage it all.
I just want to scream at him and fight his words ...but I donít and venting here is what I caní do. So thank you for listening.

Phoenix1 posted 8/25/2020 23:34 PM

Have you talked to your attorney about getting temporary CS orders in place? At least that way you are getting *something* without having to deal with him and his control games.

imagoodwitch posted 8/26/2020 09:48 AM

So let me get this straight, he is using martial assets to fund his new life?

New house? New furniture?

Do you have any kind of financial agreement? Any kind of separation agreement?

[This message edited by imagoodwitch at 9:49 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

Bigger posted 8/26/2020 09:50 AM

Read and reread what Phoenix1 asked and suggested, and then update us on the response.

Breakingapart posted 8/26/2020 10:27 AM

I have emailed my lawyer. Waiting for a response. We are still waiting for the financial agreement to be completed.

Phoenix1 posted 8/26/2020 16:18 PM

The formal financial agreement could be dragged out for a long time (years), if he is so inclined. And, if he is that big of a control freak, he might do it strictly to spite you and avoid having to pay anything until it's done. We've seen it happen many times. Get a temporary order in place. That way he can drag it out, but you are getting something to support those kids.

Tell your attorney you want a temporary order put in place for CS and/or alimony (dictated by state laws). Have it garnished from his wages through your state CSE office to remove yet another point of contact. That way, if he doesn't pay, the CSE office will jump his ass and it doesn't fall on you to have to hound him to pay (or eventually file a contempt charge against him).

Breakingapart posted 8/26/2020 20:31 PM

When is it time to fight back. To express how I am feeling to him. I feel like by only responding with short non emotional texts is not helpful in any way. Maybe reacting to his absurd behaviour would only provoke him further...I donít know!?! I feel like I need to fight. Doing this feels like I am just accepting his ridiculousness. How is responding and not reacting helpful? God I HATE this!!!!

gmc94 posted 8/26/2020 23:30 PM

I don't know what state you are in, but Phoenix is right. Ask your attorney to seek a temporary order for child support/alimony, etc.

It's not OK that he is spending marital assets to fund a certain lifestyle while you are begging for grocery $$. If it's possible in your state, seek a wage withholding/garnishment.

The1stWife posted 8/27/2020 04:00 AM

Sheís in Canada.

99problems posted 8/27/2020 13:05 PM

Never express your emotions to him. Do all of your communication through the lawyer if possible.
They simply don't care. Mine is trying to expose my child to covid again and I may have no recourse. Except to document and hope that it will influence a family court judge someday.

Breakingapart posted 8/27/2020 13:44 PM

I feel like not expressing my emotions is me saying I accept his behaviour. I DONíT!
Iím feeling defeated! He is going to have to pay about 1/4 of his income to support me and 4 kids! How is that right? We made the decision together that I would stay home and be with the kids. I worked a day or two a week to keep my mind in the game when the kids were in school. He Will be able to maintain his lifestyle and this bitch gets to benefit. I lose. My kids lose.
Tell me why i should not express any of this to him . I donít understand anything he is doing!

Phoenix1 posted 8/27/2020 17:10 PM

Expressing yourself just gives him satisfaction that he is getting to you. He won't care that you're upset or angry, but it will likely put a smug look on his face. THAT gives him ego kibbles. Don't give him that satisfaction.

Does that mean you accept his behavior? HELL to the NO! But it means you realize you are wasting your energy on him and have no intention of stroking his ego.

You need to think strategically at this point, with insight from your attorney. You are playing the long game here. If your WS is NPD or has NPD tendencies, you need to let him *think* he is winning. That actually serves to shut them down to a degree and make him more amenable to give things up in the final settlement. Also, you give him things you don't care about (but act like you do, as if you are losing out on something precious) so you can focus on things you really do care about (but don't let him know you care about them).

See the strategy? Let him think what he wants right now. The time will come down the road when an opportunity AFTER the D is final arrives where you can unleash your fury on him, if you choose.

I had to play that tactical game, and trust me, that's all it is. A legal game. I bit my tongue MANY times when I really wanted to throat punch him for what he did. Eventually, I got an opportunity to unleash about four years after our D. Something else prompted it, but he got a good taste of my true feelings. Haven't heard a peep from him since (and it's been about three years since).

I know it is hard, but stay the course. You will truly be glad you did.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:54 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]

Breakingapart posted 8/27/2020 17:45 PM

Thanks. But these are my kids and our quality of life. Why should we have to suffer for his selfish behaviour!
Iím certainly having a few rough days. I appreciate your experience Phoenix. Would love to hear others as well.
What is there to negotiate really? I just care about the kids in the end. I want to maintain their quality of life. I just feel so broken. I have friends and family who are all supportive but honestly this is a very lonely journey to be on.

StillLivin posted 8/27/2020 21:21 PM

You fight back through your attorney. At present, he wants a reaction from you. Giving it to him makes him feel control. He can also use it against you later, depending on your verbiage. Track every dime he is spending and ask for half back in the divorce because that's marital assets until you have a legal document breaking up marital assets and finances.

Phoenix1 posted 8/27/2020 23:59 PM

What is there to negotiate really?

We don't know your situation, so can't really say. That's a question for your attorney. But I CAN tell you that if you poke the bear before your settlement is done he might get more pissed off and intentionally drag it out a very long time.

Think strategically, not with emotions. Divorce is a business deal. Treat it as such.

josiep posted 8/31/2020 06:49 AM

Sometimes journaling is a great way to express your pain and sorrow. Putting our feelings into words really helps us process it.

It really is a horrible thing. And why he gets to live the high life and send your lifestyle spiraling downward is grossly unfair. But itís it too often how it works out. 😒

I assume youíve done your due diligence in gathering all the financial papers and records in order to get the financial agreement settled. In the meantime it would be very smart of you to record every little thing that you know of that he spent money on. And a list of everything youíve had to pay for the children that he has not contributed toward.

Unfortunately, law only gives you bad options. We live in a time that bad behavior is rarely addressed as being against community well being and, in too many cases, even celebrated.

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