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I think I stuffed up but had a great time

baconeggs posted 8/17/2020 00:07 AM

Just a rant

At the moment WW and I are in an in house seperation and have been for a couple of months now. We are still friendly to each other and have two teenage boys. Unfortuetly we have to wait to the house to sell before we can properly seperate.

A couple of my mates signied me up to one of the online dating apps. About a week later while hte wife was out at a friends place. I decided to go it as I was a bit board. I was drinking wine and have blast chatting to ladies (cheaper than going to a bar). Next thing I know I got invited out for a date.

I was honest with the wife about this and she seemed happy about it. Date night came and I had great time with this lady. I was open and honest with her, and said I dont think I am ready for a relationship. She agreed. I ended up back at her house and we hit the gins quite heavily and did not get home until the next morning. It was an awsome experience and to be honest I needed it, and she still wants to be friends with me.

Wife got up durning the night and checked on me at 4 am, of couse I was not there. When I did see her the next day she was cold towards me and ended up going to the local bar with her friends. When she got back there was an arguent about me spending the night away. I said I am single by your choice (I want to try and save the marriage, she didn't) what I do is my business. Unlike you, you were married when you had sex with someone else. Her argument was at least I know him before i slept with him, you didn't know her. I responded that doesn't make it right or anyless cruel. She stormed off and hasn't really spoken to me since. Is this double standards or what??

The1stWife posted 8/17/2020 00:10 AM

Double standard. Yes.

However she’s just jealous. That’s all.

I suggest no more dating until you actually are not living together. You don’t need to add fuel to this fire.

Gottagetthrough posted 8/17/2020 05:04 AM

I am not divorced and really at the start of this process myself, and so I really have no business replying to this thread ... so take my comment with a grain of salt.. But I say GOOD FOR YOU! She made her bed, now she has to lie in it!

If you want to go on a date, go on a date. Who cares what she thinks? It sounds like she was cake eating (even if just in her mind) and now she realizes you are not going to always be there for her.

JanaGreen posted 8/17/2020 05:18 AM

I would stop talking to her about what you're up to in your free time.

That said, probably best to focus on getting physically separated sooner rather than later - in-house separation is awful.

The1stWife posted 8/17/2020 05:26 AM

She may not want to be married to you any longer BUT she doesn’t want anyone else to be interested in you either.

Double standard. Typical cheater mentality.

Neanderthal posted 8/17/2020 08:58 AM

This may be semantics, but you call her a WW. Not STBXW. Maybe that means absolutely nothing. Or does it? Don't do anything that may go against your character (I'm not saying you did BTW).

Anna123 posted 8/17/2020 09:21 AM

I was honest with the wife about this and she seemed happy about it

Of course she is. Now she can say "yes I may have cheated, but he did to." "Our marriage was bad. My husband was on dating apps while we were still married."

Whether you slept with the woman or not, your wife and others now know you were with this woman. As time goes on, instead of 'his wife cheated, then they got divorced, then he dated", it is now, "his wife cheated, and he cheated too". The time-line over time becomes blurred.

Who knows if one of these friends are connected in some way with a wonderful honest woman you could get together with some day? Now your story is not so clear. I know that myself as a BS, if I heard the story of another BS who dated while separated --- no matter what the story was--- unless I knew him personally during this time, the wishy-washy story would be enough to make me walk the other way. At some point in the future you will want to be able to honestly account for how you are handling things now. Even though it is technically legit, to anyone who doesn't know the details, it is questionable and once again gives your cheater wife a great little tidbit to add going forward.

Hang in there through this separation. I know it is very difficult and I feel for you and I know it's not fair we have to think of things like this.

99problems posted 8/17/2020 11:54 AM

I'm glad for you man. I think anything that makes you happy is good.
I would maybe hide it better from the stbxw, you don't want her going all "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" on ya.(edit) To anyone that tells me that if I see another woman before the divorce is final means that I'm practicing infidelity-
I strongly and wholeheartedly disagree. My stbxw has left me for one of the multiple AP's. I haven't been really married for years and I won't let my stbxw's choices affect my life in any way that's under my control ever again.
That all said- I have no interest in dating or casual sex and probably won't participate in either for years. My guts are still hanging out.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 12:00 PM, August 17th, 2020 (Monday)]

ThisIsSoLonely posted 8/17/2020 12:16 PM


This may be semantics, but you call her a WW. Not STBXW.

I use WH all the time and we are in IHC and the M is over. It's not wistful longing on my part - it's just sheer laziness. I tried STBXH and managed to get at least one letter wrong everytime - apparently I can't type more than 3 letters in all caps!

end t/j

Neanderthal posted 8/17/2020 14:32 PM

I totally understand what you're saying. For me personally saying what I mean (IE: STBXW) helps me reinforce what I am doing. Just like forcing myself to say "Her home", instead of "Our home".

It had more to do with the OPer already thinking he screwed up (based on title), still in IHS, and me guessing that this is still very new for baconeggs.

Darkness Falls posted 8/18/2020 14:06 PM

As time goes on, instead of 'his wife cheated, then they got divorced, then he dated", it is now, "his wife cheated, and he cheated too".

Yep, this was what happened in my case. *I* don’t call what my then-STBXH did “cheating”, but the story among mutual acquaintances was “they both cheated on each other.” Now granted, neither of us cares what these acquaintances said, but that was how the situation was perceived.

Justsomeguy posted 8/18/2020 20:25 PM

I understand what Anna123 is saying and I did the nesting thing with my STBXWW. During that time, I did date. Probably better to physically S if you can though.

But on the flip side, why would you hold to a former relationship because of definitions? Your WW certainly didn't. Who cares if the lines are blurred? Are you keeping score with your WW? What happens if your WW drags the D out. She keeps banging her AP and you remain on lockdown due to some outsourced moral code?

The basic injustice at the root of every A is that critical decisions were made for you by people who were not you. You were never given a seat at the table. This sounds like another version of this, other people dictating what YOU should do.

Now I made some crappy decisions and I wish I would have waited. But they were mine to make and I own them. Sucks for me, but hey, I've had a lot of that.

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