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Why does my mind keep flip flopping?

crazyblindsided posted 8/13/2020 11:13 AM

Well I got approved for the apartment I found, move out is on Sept. 9th. I'm excited and sad at the same time. This morning I woke up feeling strange like I'm not connected to my body I don't know how to describe it.

Why does the mind not sort itself out I keep thinking am I making the right decision? What if I fail? What if I don't like this? Logically I know this is the healthiest decision for me. STBX has still not shown any kind of last ditch effort to save the M only texts or lovebombs. I have no hope left for the M unless STBX became a nicer person and not a liar or cheater.

I don't know why this feels so hard for me when we have been IHS for almost a year now

It feels really uncomfortable, this change, and I hate feeling like this.

I really hope I find my footing and stability soon. It's been a long time since I've felt ok.

FaithFool posted 8/13/2020 11:42 AM

Oh boy do I ever remember that agonizing phase. IHS is a mindfuck that just keeps giving. I even flopped back to thinking I could take him back and make it work at one point a few months after he'd moved out but I was still in the house.

Selling the house and moving was horrible, and I moved a couple more times before finding the perfect spot for my NB, but there really is no way out but through.

Just try and stay in the moment and stay out of WhatIfLand. That place will make you cray.

BearlyBreathing posted 8/13/2020 14:32 PM

CBS— go back and read the fear vs reality post.
Sometimes the mind wants safety— and the devil you know can “feel” safe — because it is familiar and you know what to expect.

This IS scary and new. But I think you will find very quickly that once you get used to not walking on eggshells, not waiting for the other shoe to drop, not tiptoeing around for fear of disrupting the peace.. you are going to really like it.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/13/2020 16:50 PM

Crazy, its okay to feel this way. We are here to tell you that the truth and reality of the situation isn't going to be that bad. Its going to be fine. Keep moving forward.

leafields posted 8/13/2020 23:17 PM

Dissociation can almost feel like an out of body experience. Once you get out of IHS, you should feel differently.

I moved to my own place in January. I haven't been single in close to 35 years. At first, I did miss STBXWH because he was like a habit. Now, I'm glad I don't have to deal with his cover narc traits. I'm an introvert, so I don't mind being by myself. But - I have friends that I can reach out to when needed.

What I've realized is that it's the finality of it all. Everything invested into the relationship, all the plans for the future, the loss of a companion that you've had for so long. (May have been a bad one, but a companion nonetheless.)

To me, the worst part of a funeral is when they close the casket for the last time. To me, this had been the last closing of the casket for the relationship.

Hang in there, CBS. You've got this.

OwningItNow posted 8/13/2020 23:36 PM

Change is uncomfortable, but that is not the same as saying that change is wrong. It just feels the same because we don't like to be uncomfortable.

Mind over matter. This is one of those times when self-talk can really, really help. "It's ok that I'm scared. It's normal. But it won't always feel this way. I just have to put one foot in front of the other. What would feel good right now, really soothing? A bath? An ice cream cone? A walk? I deserve it. I need to take care of me right now because this change is hard."

Be your own best friend. Tell yourself what you would tell a friend. Crazyblindsided, you are going to be so, SO damn proud of yourself. You are like Superwoman right now! Or Wonder Woman. Move over, Gal Gadot!!!! You are doing something that requires such strength and determination, and you're DOING IT!!! You should just high five yourself right now! With great strength and effort comes amazing pride and confidence.

Discomfort is normal, but it won't last.

crazyblindsided posted 8/14/2020 11:57 AM

FaithFool yes IHS has been a real doozy. It has been traumatic on me. The trauma bond is sheer torture.

BearlyBreathing yes I am looking forward to not having to walk on those eggshells anymore. He contacted me again today blaming me AGAIN for giving up. It's crazy! Luckily his contact has broken through my fear again and I feel more determined than ever to get away.

HalfTime2017 thank you it's good to hear from those who know it is better on the other side.

leafields I feel like I'm one big walking out of body experience It will be nice to feel stability again. I am also an introvert so I don't think I will have any issues being alone. My furbabies treat me better than STBX ever did. Thank you for the support!

OwningItNow thank you your post made me smile, especially the part of being my own best friend. I need to take care of me and nurture that little girl inside who is frightened. I love Superwoman and Gal Gadot what an image to behold. I often feel like I'm weak (probably my trauma brain) but I really am strong and I do need to remind myself of that often. Thank you for the encouragement!

I owe my life to this site and the great people on it.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:59 AM, August 14th (Friday)]

Outoflove2020 posted 8/14/2020 12:07 PM

@CBS - you are doing phenomenally well. To echo the others, change can feel awful especially after so many years, but there is no way it can be worse than what you are currently going through. Having read your story, there is just no way. Hopefully that on it's own can be a comfort for you - you've dealt with this shit show for so long, even if you struggle a bit at the beginning, you've been through WAY worse and you KNOW it will get better.

@OIN - love your feedback, I'm going to take that for myself as well :-)

OwningItNow posted 8/15/2020 04:37 AM

Crazyblindsided, I saw you write in another thread that your WH went crazy on you yesterday. Aren't narcissists funny? They hate you more if you try to move on and get away from how much they hate you every day. How dare you tire of their abuse, you selfish monster!

He is an emotional wreck because you are moving out. He is probably love bombing and then raging. He has no other emotional tools for this situation, this loss of control. Please don't let him press your buttons or change your mind. As you know, narcissists end up lonely and alone because they are cruel to everyone and use people. Everyone eventually leaves them. But that is not your problem! He has done this to himself.

I do think he is capable of anything in the weeks before you move out. Be careful. A narc losing control is an unpredictable thing. I'm worried about you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:39 AM, August 15th (Saturday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 8/15/2020 07:18 AM

I have no hope left for the M unless STBX became a nicer person and not a liar or cheater.

Hey, Crazyblindsided, a man like your STBX is not going to change overnight and turn into a good husband. It would take him YEARS and YEARS of dedicated therapy to even make a dent in his behavior. He would not be safe for years and years and years after that.

Stop rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Get off the sinking ship and save yourself while you can.

Narcissists never recover.

Your thinking is distorted because you have been doing this so long. Keep going. Positive change often doesn't feel good, especially when leaving abusive toxic relationships.

Chaos posted 8/15/2020 07:30 AM

Reads normal to me. I'd worry if you weren't a bit apprehensive.

What's most important is that you move in the right direction for you. To me it sounds like after the fear or apprehension or anxiety [however you choose to categorize it] will be the feelings of exhilaration and liberation.

Anna123 posted 8/15/2020 10:04 AM

In the list of the top stressors in life, divorce, and moving are at the top.

I was in an utter panic attack mode when I was moving even after the divorce shock had been settled. Everything will be okay. Really. Bumps may keep showing up but you are moving towards safety, away from danger as you do this. Try to keep that in mind. Even though it is still so unsettled, it is in a direction towards safety. That feeling you have may be protecting you from the 'back-ground' processing going on in your heart and mind. Trust it is all working out in your favor now that you are working this plan. I used to listen to a lot of Christian radio at this time. Lots of songs about getting through tough times-- it was comforting (although some of the songs were a bit irritating, but I had made a play list of my own inspirational music I could always switch back to)

Take care.

crazyblindsided posted 8/18/2020 15:44 PM

He is probably love bombing and then raging.

You have got that right it changes daily. Today it is back to lovebombing saying that just because he doesn't want to fight doesn't mean he doesn't want to fight for me omg!!! He also says that I have put him in such a hole that it's impossible to say anything in any direction without being chastised and that he feels misunderstood because he feels I don't let him have a voice. That it sucks because he is shut down & I'm not really trying... um helloooooo I don't know how long I have been fighting to get him to see the light, but I'm not trying. He still hasn't made any attempts to see a counselor and he still comes home at midnight claiming work (I've told him year after year that it bothers me that he comes home late).

Feel like I've been through the ringer!

OwningItNow posted 8/18/2020 18:40 PM

If there is one thing that I can say about the several narcissist I have known, even after cutting them out of my life mostly and moving on and them moving on, if I run into them they remind me of how I was the one who "ruined things" or always caused a problem or didn't appreciate them. That's the way they view things--I ruined the relationship, I had all the issues, I was too difficult or controlling. Me, I, my problem, my fault.

Get used to this truth, Crazyblindsided. You are being difficult, you have ruined everything, you are the fool who doesn't get it, you are ruining his life for no reason, you don't appreciate all he has done for you and blah, blah, blah. You. It will always be all your fault as far as your stbx is concerned. Always.

Of the narcissists I have known, they have never stopped seeing our failed relationship as entirely my fault. They are the victims of me and my awfulness. Try to remind yourself that your stbx will believe this. He'll really blame you, probably forever. Work on not caring.

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