Our divorce was finalized seven weeks ago, and so it's still all so fresh. I have been asking myself this question lately:
Did 15 years with me turn him into the worst version of himself?
I am carrying this doubt around with me and I don't know how to let it go.
He said to me that his affair was the "byproduct" of how awful I was to him. Sure, we had our fair share of arguments and fighting, but I supported him and was loyal, faithful, dependable, patient and gave and gave and gave until there was nothing left in me. I think me demanding to be seen in my own marriage translates for him into I was "abusive and awful".
I know he is a covert narcissist, but I still wonder if it was me after all that triggered the cheater to surface.
I know that marriage requires loyalty, accountability, trustworthiness and responsibility - none of these things are possible for a narcissist. But still, I can't help but feel as though marriage to me is what turned him into the awful person he is.
He said to me recently that he never wanted to get divorced, and this has me second guessing myself and my decision to divorce him. He was profoundly unremorseful, and so cruel post-DDay. He trickle truthed for seven torturous months and never did one thing I asked him to do to help me heal.
Now that the divorce is finalized, I think he is seeing that I am rebuilding my life without him, and this was his way of destabilizing me. And I'm very frustrated to admit that it has.
I know that I made the right decision, he never gave me one moment of remorse, reassurance, love or affection post-DDay... I know I had no choice but to divorce... it's just that my heart is taking a long time to catch up.
I don't know where this post is going. I feel like a cat chasing my own tail. I keep going around in circles and ending up right where I started, alone with my broken heart blaming myself.
[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 8:19 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]