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Divorce/Separation :
Marriage brought out the worst in my WH

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Louisianalisa (original poster Member #72443) posted at 2:14 AM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

Our divorce was finalized seven weeks ago, and so it's still all so fresh. I have been asking myself this question lately:

Did 15 years with me turn him into the worst version of himself?

I am carrying this doubt around with me and I don't know how to let it go.

He said to me that his affair was the "byproduct" of how awful I was to him. Sure, we had our fair share of arguments and fighting, but I supported him and was loyal, faithful, dependable, patient and gave and gave and gave until there was nothing left in me. I think me demanding to be seen in my own marriage translates for him into I was "abusive and awful".

I know he is a covert narcissist, but I still wonder if it was me after all that triggered the cheater to surface.

I know that marriage requires loyalty, accountability, trustworthiness and responsibility - none of these things are possible for a narcissist. But still, I can't help but feel as though marriage to me is what turned him into the awful person he is.

He said to me recently that he never wanted to get divorced, and this has me second guessing myself and my decision to divorce him. He was profoundly unremorseful, and so cruel post-DDay. He trickle truthed for seven torturous months and never did one thing I asked him to do to help me heal.

Now that the divorce is finalized, I think he is seeing that I am rebuilding my life without him, and this was his way of destabilizing me. And I'm very frustrated to admit that it has.

I know that I made the right decision, he never gave me one moment of remorse, reassurance, love or affection post-DDay... I know I had no choice but to divorce... it's just that my heart is taking a long time to catch up.

I don't know where this post is going. I feel like a cat chasing my own tail. I keep going around in circles and ending up right where I started, alone with my broken heart blaming myself.

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 8:19 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

BS: Me (still in shock)
WH: Unremorseful covert narcissist
3+ year long EA/PA.
DDays: Several (summer 2019)
Married 14 years. Divorced (summer 2020)
Food for thought: "Let go or be dragged"

posts: 105   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8569853
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susielee ( Member #74877) posted at 3:01 AM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

I do think many of them want to destabilize their victims. They needed their victim to feed off of. To use when needed, and keep them in reserve.

My ex tried it several times after our legal separation. I turned him down, on all but the first time. The one time I did let him back in, it only lasted a week, and I knew he was using me.

It wasn't that he wanted me back, or at least that is my view. He just wanted to make sure I was there until he was sure he didn't need my anymore.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2020   ·   location: GA
id 8569866
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 3:27 AM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

I know he is a covert narcissist

When you end a long relationship with a covert narc, you spend a long time undoing the gaslighting and manipulation in your head. I could give you a million reasons why all he says are lies, but you already know. Your real battle is to build your self-esteem so strong that nobody like this can ever trick you again. That work starts now.

He is incapable of blaming himself for anything. Narcs need a relationship so they have someone to blame for everything. Never buy the toxic lies he tells you. Build yourself up strong against his abuse because his words will stay in your head for a long, long time. Learn to beat them down. You. Know. They. Are. Not. True.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:28 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8569873
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Lighthousegrl ( New Member #70334) posted at 3:42 AM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

Louisianalisa

I can relate. I could of written your post.

I find myself -on top of all the “gifts” infidelity gives-

questioning responsibility in causing his deceit and cheating.

It’s not enough to feel discarded unloved worthless.

Add in ???responsibility..... It’s been a year of blame. A year of separation and proceeding to divorce. 25 years.

I’m sorry I have no wise words to offer....but you’ve been heard.

I’m not the cat chasing its tail ~ I’m the cat tossed down the well clawing to get out.

~I wish you peace ~

posts: 33   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2019
id 8569876
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Phantasmagoria ( Member #49567) posted at 5:05 AM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

Try and take some comfort from the fact that you are asking yourself these questions. It’s part of the introspective process to come out the other side of this thing wiser, more self-aware, stronger boundaries, etc..

It does takes time, especially the deeper you self-assess, but ultimately you inherently know the answers and your emotions finally align with what you know to be true.

I saw a quote recently and it resonated:

“No one can throw a bigger tantrum than a narcissist who’s losing control of someone else’s mind.”

It’s so true. In their mind, when things go wrong or they don’t get their way, it’s everyone else’s fault. They themselves are responsible for nothing.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2015
id 8569889
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homewrecked2011 ( Member #34678) posted at 5:35 AM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

Absolutely do not have any more conversations with him.

He needs you to be sad, depressed, lonely, so he can use you again.

Focus on staying away from him and your new, wonderful life!!!

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5360   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8569898
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99problems ( Member #59373) posted at 7:53 AM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

I'm one and 1/2 months out of separation with my CNPD, and i gotta say...

I couldnt go full NC (7yo dd) but i went modified NC and I've been thriving.

Once i understood that every shitty contact, negative or positive, was giving WW "gas in the tank" and was making me feel suicidal, and as soon as i quit that, I felt better, I haven't looked back.

I even had to see ww in person today but I walked away with no conversation and it was a beautiful thing. It's what i need to go forward. fuck what she needs.

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1000   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8569930
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LadyG ( Member #74337) posted at 4:44 AM on Wednesday, August 5th, 2020

You are fortunate to get that Divorce.

You cannot bring out the worst in a Narc. They choose to show themselves when they are ready.

My STBXWH only Feels remorse for himself. The self pity is emerging now that I again have pushed the Divorce.

It couldn’t have come at the worst time for my Narc. COVID restrictions and now curfew and numerous business lockdown, he’s very concerned for his own future. NOT MINE.

He called sulking yesterday as we still run a business together but from different offices. We communicate via email. He hadn’t heard my voice in several weeks. So it started, he loves hearing my sweet kind voice. It soothes him. I honestly don’t care. I kept the conversation professional.

He started the whole, he doesn’t want a Divorce. He said he’s remorseful now. Yet showed no remorse or respect after Dday.

I know it’s Narc manipulation and I know how to play along to bring out the best in him now.

We are strictly NC and I will maintain this especially now that he wants to hear my voice, I will not give him that pleasure 🙏🏼

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 938   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8570420
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josiep ( Member #58593) posted at 5:38 PM on Saturday, August 8th, 2020

Did being with you bring out the worst in him?????

You seem to forget that he was the best possible version of himself while he was with you. That is, until he couldn't do it anymore. Being away from you is what has brought out the worst in him. The minute he started disconnecting from you emotionally, he began the transformation into who he is today.

So your question is the opposite of reality. Being without you brings out the worst in him.

Covert narcissism is the most fascinating thing because it's so irrational and so subtle. But it's also heart-wrenching to see the damage it leaves behind because most people who are affected by it never realize what hit them and they can't ever fully heal.

Be happy.

That's all.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3062   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8571852
Topic is Sleeping.
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