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xww Moved...

squid posted 8/1/2020 18:43 PM

I thought things were a bit off a few weeks ago.

Contrary to our custody agreement, XWW wanted to take DS14 for an entire week sort of randomly instead of the one-night-a-week-every-other-week arrangement that was stipulated in our divorce agreement.

Then the weird trash can incident which I last posted about...

A couple days DS14 mentioned how he didn't like the idea of going to XWW's place for an entire week. Which I agreed was unusual especially now that school is about to start. The last time he went, he was supposed to stay for an entire week but asked to come back early.

Today I learned XWW moved away to a town that's about 60 miles away. I had no clue. Her previous place was less than 5 miles away from our house. She made zero mention.

I'm struggling with this. Lately, I thought that we might be one of those D'd couples that finds our way back to each other. I don't know why. I know there are many obvious reasons why this could never work out. But there it is.

I'm struggling with not going down the rabbit hole, searching for AP on social media to see if he moved back. Pain shopping. All the feelings of inadequacy have returned.

Fuck.

WhoTheBleep posted 8/1/2020 18:58 PM

Oh boy, Squid. I'm sorry. Is this allowed as per your custody agreement? 60 miles is significant. I would definitely want to know what her reason was for moving... If DS is only there once every 14 days, not such a big deal. But if she is pushing for more custody, this is a big issue.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:00 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

Chili posted 8/1/2020 19:00 PM

Fuck is right squid.

It's like you were kinda sorta getting used to your new normal (at least pre-Covid stuff). It must feel a little like the the rug has been pulled out from underneath you again because of how she handled this.

What I don't understand is why she didn't tell you? Isn't there some sort of requirement in your divorce decree that she notify you xx days of her moving and what her new address is? It does seem a little goofy that she's been hiding it.

No wonder you went down the rabbit hole trying to figure out what's up.

Yeah and the jacked up trash can thing.

Lately, I thought that we might be one of those D'd couples that finds our way back to each other. I don't know why. I know there are many obvious reasons why this could never work out. But there it is.

Well, I think it's huge that you recognize this. As for the inadequacy thing, is it her actually moving that has you unsettled or is it maybe the secrecy part that brought those feelings back to you?

squid posted 8/1/2020 19:26 PM

As for the inadequacy thing, is it her actually moving that has you unsettled or is it maybe the secrecy part that brought those feelings back to you?

I think the secrecy mostly. The inadequacy is more tied to the stuff that BS's go through dealing with "why wasn't I good enough" shit.

To think I was feeling bad about simply THINKING moving just 30 minutes away. She just up and left without telling me. Like I'm the one filling out school forms regarding parents' marital statuses and addresses.

DD21 is moving back home in a few weeks. She probably knew before me.

squid posted 8/1/2020 19:31 PM

Is this allowed as per your custody agreement? 60 miles is significant. I would definitely want to know what her reason was for moving..

From what I had heard (apparently I don't know shit) she started working solely online. But she is looking for work in a particular field.

Dammit, I want to press DS14 for more info like if she has a "roommate" but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Like wouldn't it be considerate to let the other ex-spouse know when a significant other was entering the picture, especially if they're going to be around the kids?

I guess being considerate was never considered. I should know better by now.

J707 posted 8/1/2020 20:09 PM

I found out about the AP from my kids, he's gone now. Next current BF I found out from my kids (she told them not say like last time) but they did. When she moved (about 6 miles from her last place, our former home), yep, heard it from my kids. She did tell me the week before though. I've heard more shit just nonchalantly, just the kids talking then I ever do from EXWW.

While my exes move wasn't as far, it's still one of those wtfs? Can't mention a thing? Some people will never change. I never ask my kids anything but they just talk and are open. But yeah, the responsible thing and the right thing to do is let the other parent know. That's unfortunately out the door with some.

On moving 60 miles away, that's a huge change of circumstance though. That changes drop offs or pick ups if you want to pursue that.

The1stWife posted 8/2/2020 06:50 AM

You are expecting common courtesy from a lying cheater.

Its not going to happen. First shes not legally obligated to tell you anything b/c shes not your wife. While I disagree with this those are the facts unless its in the divorce agreement.

Second shes not a person with common sense or common courtesy. She fails to understand basic human decency. You have a right to know Where she lives based on the fact that you have children together.

But you have to look at what you are dealing with. Shes not a person who connects the dots the same way you do Squid. Maybe she is unhappy you D her. Maybe she blames you for up-ending her life. Whatever it is she certainly has zero respect for you as a father.

Sorry for you. You do deserve better.

squid posted 8/2/2020 13:03 PM

Has anyone ever experienced this where it interfered with the custody plan?

homewrecked2011 posted 8/2/2020 15:18 PM

No, but if my kids were young, I would call a PI in that city and see what he/she could find out. One PI I talked to was only going to cost me $250! She said she was $50/hr and in 6 hours she would have an address, photos of who came/went from the place, the tags run down, too. And to top it off, you could see If a friend or PI in your city would go by your xww old location at night to photograph that she wasnt there anymore.

Or give your atty a call...

Because in my state, I have to be told where my children will be staying. And I would not change the overnight schedule to a weekly schedule. Id prob drive him to her place on Sat and pick him up on Sun.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 3:40 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

J707 posted 8/2/2020 15:53 PM

Currently its 1 night a week every other week. If she wanted to go to court and revise visitations, that's on her. But from my understanding custody would not change just because she moved, she would have to file a motion. But even then, what's her excuse for that, she moved?

As far as pick up and drop offs. Just from my experience from family amd friends. The parent that moves away is responsible for transportation. Unless agreed upon verbally, let's say you agree to meet half way. But even if she wanted to make a fuss and go to court to have you drop off and pick up, shes the one that moved. It is a change of circumstance on her end, so it really shouldn't affect you. Just my thoughts.

gmc94 posted 8/2/2020 16:25 PM

Squid - check your divorce decree or reach out to your attorney. Many states have their relocation laws printed in the decree itself (for years & years my state has required every decree with kids state the laws verbatim - and here, notice must be mailed, certified w/ return receipt even if you move across the street).

A quick google search (so - take with grain of salt) says that in FL, an ex is not supposed to move >50 miles (and for >60 days) w/o a WRITTEN agreement with the non-moving spouse, that includes (a) non-moving spouse's agreement to the relocation, (b) what the new custody schedule will be, and (c) how the transportation will be handled under new custody. If the ex doesn't have that written agreement, they are supposed to file a petition with the court BEFORE they move, then have it served & the non-moving parent has 20 days to respond. That petition is supposed to include the reason for the move and proposal for custody & transportation, etc.

IF she had filed the petition, the court then weighs it against the ever amorphous "best interest of the child" standard. Kids' ages, schools, etc are all taken into consideration. I have absolutely seen judges say "no" to a move of <60 miles when the kids are young (a big issue is how much time they spend in the car on school days, and even for older kids the issues of how late it is when they are done with extracurriculars. BUT, I'm not in FL). The relocating parent has the burden to prove the move is in the child(ren)'s best interests.

Failure to get court approval may warrant an action for contempt. I'm not saying you will want to go down that road, but if there are things in your decree you'd like to revisit, her moving could give you the upper hand. An attorney can help you figure that out (and if you are not current in support or financial considerations, a judge can also factor that into any decision).

So, not only has she (again) shown her shitty selfish self, but she's also now in contempt of court.

One last edit - In my neck of the woods, I cannot think of any judge that would not be super PISSED that she didn't tell you, thus putting your kid in the middle of it. Even at 14/15, that's fucked up to make a kid be in that go-between position. Judges do not like that shit here, and I can't imagine they like it in FL either.

She could have told you even w/o doing a written agreement. She'd still be in contempt, but lots of judges here would give some leniency on that front (esp if the relocation laws are not part of your actual decree)..... I call it the bonehead exception when they just didn't know better. But doing it secretly would not be viewed kindly where I'm from.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 4:40 PM, August 2nd, 2020 (Sunday)]

squid posted 8/3/2020 15:16 PM

gmc94,

DING DING DING, to pretty much all of what you said.

I just got off the phone with my attorney and she touched on all of those aspects.

So, yeah, XWW is in violation of the court. What she proposes re the custody arrangement is what will dictate how I should respond, ie get the courts involved or not. Either way I need to get something agreed to and in writing so that we can amend our final agreement.

The gift keeps on giving.

EvenKeel posted 8/4/2020 07:40 AM

Has anyone ever experienced this where it interfered with the custody plan?
My friend did. She was the mover. It involved a lot of trips to court where she had to prove that she could not get local employment after 2 years of searching and a modified visitation schedule (to her ex's benefit since she was the one that moved).

As everyone stated, it all will lean in your favor if you go to court.

I am betting you will be able to iron it out without all that given your ex is WRONG. Given your DS's age, I would let him weigh in as well. See what you ex proposes and then see what works for him. He is at the age where running around with friends (or just hiding in his room for 2 years) may happen and things like his activities, sports, etc will be his priority. Not us....ugh parents - lol.

When you are ironing out the details, make sure all transportation is on her. EVEN WHEN YOUR CHILD is driving. My ex was quick to use that as a ticket to get out of that.

Squid - there is no debating what she is doing is $hitty to your child. Many of us been there - even when the decree specifies otherwise. But please stop taking it all personal. She is showing you (again) who she is. It is ALL about her and not your child. Use this to help you continue with your healing! This sixty miles WILL work in your favor because it will help you make your house your safety zone....and LESS likely for her to be garbage can shopping for you.

This is really a gift my friend.

I thought that we might be one of those D'd couples that finds our way back to each other
Look at what she is showing you - these are not good traits of a partner (ex or not). Strive for what you deserve.

wildbananas posted 8/4/2020 11:34 AM

Isn't there some sort of requirement in your divorce decree that she notify you xx days of her moving and what her new address is?

This is in my decree. We're also supposed to get approval from other before moving out of state. ex-asshat has moved at least 30 times since we've broken up, probably more (I'm not even exaggerating) across many different states and has told me about maybe 3 of them. rolleyes

If your decree doesn't say every other week, then she's out of luck. If she wants more, she can take you back to court, especially since DS is 14 and not wanting to go. And really, I don't know if I'd even send DS now because how do you do one night every other week, 60 miles apart? I've BTDT, meeting halfway at the same halfway point (or longer) to trade off the bunch. It sucked and it was really hard on them. And me, too.

I'm sorry - I know this all sucks. Stand firm and don't give in just because she got a whim to move away and not even discuss it with you first. Ugh, that's so annoying. I know!

HalfTime2017 posted 8/4/2020 15:28 PM

Squid, kill the hopium of getting back together with the EX. Keep moving forward. The custody stuff will take care of itself, your kids are old enough now to decide what they want.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/4/2020 15:28 PM

Squid, kill the hopium of getting back together with the EX. Keep moving forward. The custody stuff will take care of itself, your kids are old enough now to decide what they want.

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