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I Can Relate :
BS Questions for WS - Part 14

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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:53 PM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022

BSR and Hikingout - thank you. You have validate what I've sadly thought. I know she's out there and I know she's still cyberstalking - I just can't prove it. I have all logons and passwords and check regularly. Every few weeks there is a "message request" from a random female with no profile photo or a photo of clipart [her go to in the beginning]. All with one or two words "Hey" or "Hi there" which is also her go to. They remain in the message request and/or spam folders unopened and responded to.

From WH I have learned over the years that's how she'd start again - and then only reveal herself once the response "contact" had been made.

Sadly, OBS occasionally reaches out to me [the Cease and Desist doesn't prohibit communications with him] to see if I've "found anything" because he has "a feeling he can't prove". WH has been clean. And I sent OBS the screenshots of all the fishing attempts. He also feels it her but can't prove it - that's on him and I said as much although gently. I also not so gently suggested he comb through her phone/email/etc. While I am OBS and will share information and answer questions - I'm not his personal Private Investigator.

You aren't the 1st on SI to say LTAP is obsessed and/or has mental illness. While OBS hasn't said this outright he has said his wife "has serious issues he won't go in to with me about being very needy - especially where attention is concerned"

WH and I disagree about the future. He feels that after the Cease and Desist she's been humiliated enough to learn her lesson. I say she's regrouping and letting dust settle. That it not if but when she tries again. In the mean time, I'm on eggshells, especially with the Antiversary of the Cease and Desist only a few days away.

That's probably why I'm on edge. I want to know if I'm "right" in my assumption.

I also tell myself that when it does [and I can prove that it LTAP] happen I have a solid plan - and insight would be appreciated. In this order:

1 - screenshot & send to attorney
2 - screenshot & send to OBS (sans mention of the attorney)
3 - tell WH

The attorney is 1st because then that die is cast. The chips can/will fall where they may
OBS next because he deserves to know - I won't make the mistake of not telling
WH last - that way if he knee jerk panics he can't try to talk me out of it - and I won't be so panic I listen

Sadly, I see myself on one of those Investigate Discovery channel shows in a few years. Hopefully one that ends with her behind bars and me above ground.

This is beginning to really bother me. I'm still in IC over this.

While I conduct myself in my usual BASGU manner and live life dancing like no one is watching - it is a very hard reality to know that they really are watching...and waiting.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3533   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8718369
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 5:28 PM on Sunday, February 27th, 2022

Has an WS In this forum taken a poly and failed even though you were not being dishonest?

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10 on D-Day. D-day 1/28/21, 44-day affair. D-Day that is was physical 6/18/21.

posts: 186   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8719096
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 7:24 PM on Sunday, February 27th, 2022

Has an WS In this forum taken a poly and failed even though you were not being dishonest?

I don't think I've ever read that claim from a WS on SI. We have a few BS whose WS insisted that's what happened, but I doubt anyone here believed it (I certainly didn't, because so much of the WS's surrounding behavior was shady).

Off the top of my head, I know of three WWs and one WH who all passed their polygraphs, though one of them had a volcanic eruption of parking lot confessions immediately before the test.

WW/BW

posts: 2904   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8719114
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 7:47 PM on Sunday, February 27th, 2022

Brave Sir Robin

That's kind of what I figured. My WH is taking one on Thursday. He is worried it's going to tell him he failed even though he's not withholding any more information. I was basically just wondering if that were a thing. So I wanted to see if a wayward had actually been in that situation, one of the waywards that has done the work and is able to be honest. But I agree, it's probably not really a thing. My husband knows there is a lot riding on this. That this is a huge decision maker for me. So I think he's just nervous and scared which I do understand. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10 on D-Day. D-day 1/28/21, 44-day affair. D-Day that is was physical 6/18/21.

posts: 186   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8719120
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wantnomore ( member #71871) posted at 2:24 AM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

For any WS who can relate -

My WW left the house for 6 days after I caught them in his truck, and since she's been back (2 days) she's been angry. She's angry at the kids (she's taking all the blame from them, they won't talk to her right now), she's angry at me (kids are on "my side"). She's playing the victim now and upset that the kids won't even talk to her right now.

Anyone got any advice/insight to share? Thanks!

[This message edited by wantnomore at 2:25 AM, Monday, February 28th]

Me: BH (56)Her: STBXWW (51)DDays - 9/10/01, 10/15/19, 7/3/21, 2/11/22.I'm dumb, but I do learn eventually.Starting D ASAP.

posts: 114   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2019   ·   location: Great Lakes region
id 8719184
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 3:51 AM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

He is worried it's going to tell him he failed even though he's not withholding any more information.

That's understandable. The stakes are enormous and all in the hands of a total stranger who is hooking him up to wires and asking him intimate questions about his personal life. I think anyone would be worried that their jumpy nerves will be misread by the machine. However, if polygraphers hadn't figured out how to calibrate for general anxiety, almost no one would be able to pass it.

WW/BW

posts: 2904   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8719202
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 4:02 AM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

Anyone got any advice/insight to share?

She sounds like a typical remorseless wayward. She's gotten away with cheating before, she thought she would again, it's not happening that way this time, and it pisses her off.

WW/BW

posts: 2904   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8719205
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 4:31 AM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

A question for all former wayward.
If your relationship with your spouse ended. Then you met someone new and found out they had been cheated on in the past, would you tell them you cheated in the past?

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8719211
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 5:10 AM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

78monte- yes, I would.

For many, many reasons. I think if the ba is healed there is still a chance that they can understand the growth behind my decision to be honest. I know that they still may not choose to continue but Better for everyone to know up front. I have learned that I do not need to control the outcome- things work or they don’t.

5 years of hard work
Reconciled
WS & BS

posts: 6202   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8719213
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 7:19 AM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

Then you met someone new and found out they had been cheated on in the past, would you tell them you cheated in the past?

Absolutely, and right away, in the same conversation where they revealed their BS status. Secrets are toxic and partners deserve their agency. I never want that sick feeling of hiding something again.

WW/BW

posts: 2904   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8719217
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 2:07 PM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

Thank you for the response, Hiking and BSR.
When I asked my wife the same question, she replied that she wouldn't tell the other person initially. If the relationship became serious, she would tell the person then.
I know how much work the two of you have done and had a feeling of how you may respond.
Thanks again

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8719243
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 5:41 PM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

I am not sure your wife’s answer is different though. Like BSR said she would disclose it at the time they did. That means that the relationship is getting serious enough to start to assess. If I went on three dates with someone, I am not sure there would be a reason to drudge up everything then. Let’s figure out if we even click or like each other. I would think that a bs would be it think it proper to disclose either right away without feeling there was something that might like to move forward.

I would say the right time would be before there is a lot of investment, but not before I have at least decided that I like the person and would be considering whether to date them a little more seriously. I

I am not sure your wife’s answer is different and unless I am missing something, is not idicative if not doing work. Saying she would hide it or it’s not relevant would make it the wrong answer.

5 years of hard work
Reconciled
WS & BS

posts: 6202   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8719299
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MrsWalloped ( member #62313) posted at 8:33 PM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

Hi Felix,

My husband knows there is a lot riding on this. That this is a huge decision maker for me. So I think he's just nervous and scared which I do understand.


I took a polygraph test and I passed, but I can attest to the nervousness and being super scared. My BH did get a "parking lot" confession but it was in our house. I had broken NC and lied about it and so I told him about it before I took the test.

Taking that test was very scary and humiliating, but I know it was also scary for my BH and even more humiliating for him to set the whole thing and submit his questions. I actually think it’s a good thing for a WS to go through that. It drives home what we’ve done, where nothing we say can be believed and we need a total stranger to hook us up with wires to prove that we are telling the truth.

I’ve seen some WS’s try to blame their failing the test on their nervousness or anxiety. IMO, that’s just avoiding responsibility and still trying to hide things and self-preserve. I know that wouldn’t have flown at all with my BH. I understand why your WH is scared but if he was honest with you and totally forthcoming, then it should all work it out. I hope for both of you that it does.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 769   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8719346
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MrsWalloped ( member #62313) posted at 8:40 PM on Monday, February 28th, 2022

Hi 78monte.

I am not sure your wife’s answer is different and unless I am missing something, is not idicative if not doing work. Saying she would hide it or it’s not relevant would make it the wrong answer.


I agree with this. Your question was a little open ended about when in the relationship this conversation would be taking place.

Although, thinking about it more, if a BS makes himself vulnerable and talks about it on a first date, then that tells me it’s still at the top of his mind and he’s cautious about a new relationship. I think it would only be right to share that someone is a WS too. They may understandably have a very strong aversion to dating a WS and I don’t think it’s fair to date for a while so feelings can develop and then hit them with that information.

But I wouldn’t volunteer it in a vacuum in the beginning. I’d let the other person take the lead and reciprocate. At some point though, whether he says something or not, I’d share that I am a WS. Does that make sense?

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 769   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8719347
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 12:14 AM on Tuesday, March 1st, 2022

Thank you again Hiking.
Thank you Mrs.W , yes the replies make sense.
I hope I'm never in a position to have to start another relationship in the future. After the damage my wife's affair has done to me, it will be extremely difficult to be vulnerable with a new person.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8719408
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30yearsanddestroyed ( new member #79757) posted at 11:28 AM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

For WS - any suggestions on how to,respond to my WH who has reverted back to defensiveness and minimizing after spending a lot of time remorseful, reading books with me, comforting me in my pain, etc.?

Thank you.

Me: BW, age 51 on start of the D-Days
Him: WH, age 55 on start of the D-Days
D-Day start: Dec. 2021
Together 33 years when D-Days started

posts: 21   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2022   ·   location: East Asia
id 8719894
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 3:40 PM on Thursday, March 3rd, 2022

Hi 30yrsdestroyed,

Typically when I got defensive again, it was because some sort of shame was coming back up again. Behind every defense is a wound that is in danger of being opened. It's not your job to be curious or accepting of her defensiveness. It's on her to examine where that response is coming from. One of the bits of work we WS's have to do to become safe again.

Is she in IC? If so, in a calmer moment, maybe approach her gently saying, "Our discussion last night about X didn't go the way I wanted to. *Apologize for any yelling or poor behavior on your part* I don't want to rehash it now, but I'm concerned for you. It seems that this topic really has you on edge. It pains me to see you suffering/struggling like this. What can I do to help you with this?"

Chances are you can't do much- she might snap and say, "don't ask about X again then!" or something. Either way, the seed could be planted. Hopefully she's in IC and can work on it there. You're not responsible for fixing her.

It stinks being a wayward, we have so much of our own crap going on internally that we often don't have the bandwidth to help you with the steaming pile we've dumped on you.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 841   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8719919
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Beagle ( member #79560) posted at 5:26 PM on Monday, March 7th, 2022

As a WS how long were you in therapy for and how often did you go?

Beagle

posts: 80   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: United States
id 8721581
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MrsWalloped ( member #62313) posted at 1:55 PM on Tuesday, March 8th, 2022

Hi Beagle.

As a WS how long were you in therapy for and how often did you go?


I’ve been seeing a therapist since DDay, so that’s about 6 and a half years. I went twice a week at the beginning for about 2 years, then once a week and now it’s every 2 weeks. It’s not necessary to go for so long, but I find it helps me stay grounded and focused. Not everything is infidelity related. Actually most of it isn’t, but there are lots of realizations and discoveries about myself that came out of my sessions after DDay that I continue to work on and probably will for a long time. I am fortunate that we can afford this. It’s not cheap. But if I needed to, I’d happily give up other "extras" for this.

If your WS is going to IC, then it’s not a matter of 6 sessions and then poof everything is wonderful. It’s pretty open ended and the amount of time it takes depends on so many things like personalities, situation, defensiveness, FOO issues, and more.

What’s driving your question.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 769   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8721734
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 3:23 PM on Tuesday, March 8th, 2022

Hi Beagle,

I'm in IC too- sometimes 2x a week. For going on 2.5yrs now (DDay was July 2019). I'm with MrsW on this one- it's not a quick fix. I'm only now really and truly digging deep into CPTSD and FOO trauma. There's a ton of unresolved crap in my head and it's taken even this long for me to have the coping mechanisms in place to be able to deal with it.

It takes a long time and the process is slow. Becoming "safe" and stopping the behaviors, coming to a place of remorse, took me a whole year. My situation was complicated by emotional/financial abuse and my BH's EA, so I had to dig really deep before I could find the remorse.

Where are you guys in your process?

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 841   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8721755
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