Me: BW, age 51 on start of the D-Days
Him: WH, age 55 on start of the D-Days
D-Day start: Dec. 2021
Together 33 years when D-Days started
In-laws blame me for WH cheating
Curious if anyone has any thoughts / resources about the following.
My husband's parents and I haven't had a good relationship for a long time. We tolerate each other. During his cheating, hubby spent a lot of time bashing me to his parents, including lying to them about me. When WH confessed to his parents about his cheating, etc., his parents blamed me and said his cheating was my fault. Which, I told them both they could f** off for that because it isn't my fault. This was a phone conversation on Dec. 31. Hubby messaged them and told them the way they spoke to me wasn't ok and it was completely his fault for his betrayal, and it was not my fault at all. They never responded.
A few days ago, WH sent them a text to let them know he was thinking about them, that he messed up relationships with me and them, and that he was working to reconcile with me and that he wants to fix their relationship as well. In response, he was told that his parents shared all the lurid details of WH's betrayal with "the whole family" (not sure what that means), that they all think he is crazy to stay with me, they think I'm sociopathic, they want nothing to do with me, and they won't have a relationship with him as long as I'm in the picture. They also reiterated that he should stop taking the blame for his infidelity because I was a bad wife and that's why he strayed, it is my fault. Yeah, I know, I have awesome in-laws.
WH wants to discuss him just having a relationship with them until they are willing to reconcile with me. My view is "um, hell to the no!" They aren't friends of the marriage, and this is not ok. BTW, we've been together for 34 years, married for 33 years. He is worried because they are old and doesn't want to turn his parents away. I explained that he isn't the one cutting the relationship, they are the ones rejecting him because they hate me and want him to choose them over me, he has nothing to feel guilty about in terms of that relationship. In his mind, it isn't about who is at fault there, they don't have long left to live, and he thinks to "honor" his parents, he has to stay in relationship with them, even with their crazy demands. I think that is bullshit and honoring your parents doesn't mean disrespecting your spouse.
He tried telling me that some of the literature on reconciling after infidelity says it's fine to stay in a relationship with people who aren't friends of the marriage, especially if it is your parents. I also call bullshit on that. I've seen nothing like that. I'm 100% not ok with this. Am I crazy, is there anything like this in recommendations to reconciling spouses? Would you be ok with this?
17 comments posted: Wednesday, March 16th, 2022
Boundaries & Contract?
I thought I saw it on a message board here, but I can't figure out how to search the boards to find it again!
I remember seeing a marriage contract that had actions and consequences. Some were non-negotiables that would lead directly to divorce. Others were things with different consequences. For example, the WS attempts to minimize or blameshift, there is a consequence that is implemented for that.
Has anyone seen examples of what I'm talking about? Any links?
4 comments posted: Thursday, February 17th, 2022
How to keep functioning in daily life?
I found out a little less than a month ago that my WH has been cheating on me for over a year. I'm a teacher and have a lot of difficulty in my job. During my planning time, I can't focus, all I can do is research stuff about his affair, healing from affairs, etc. I'm getting behind in my work. I'm barely eating or sleeping. How do others cope with this? What has helped you with functioning in your daily life?
21 comments posted: Saturday, January 15th, 2022