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Wayward Side :
What helped with triggers during sex?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Sayuwontletgo (original poster Member #62427) posted at 1:41 AM on Sunday, July 19th, 2020

Things with BH and I have been going well. Weve grown closer and are working through sexual issues in a much healthier way. Conversations about our sex life even 6 months ago turned into full on floods for BH. It does feel like weve come a long way taking some professional courses together, the triggers were happening less and less. We were having sex more often and making good connections.

The last month or so the triggers are happening almost every time. He says theres nothing that I do specifically that's triggering him, just the act itself causes him to see APs face.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to help with this? He has tried EMDR with no real change.

WS is there anything that you did to help ease the frequency?

BS is there anything that helped you with the triggers?

I'm sorry if this topic is triggery for some of you, I know sex is always a touchy one. I really appreciate any advice

Me: WW 32
BH- morethanbroken 33
EA turned PA lasting over 3 yrs
Dday- 0ct 2017
Married 11yrs
working for R

posts: 256   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2018
id 8563643
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Thissucks5678 ( Member #54019) posted at 4:31 AM on Sunday, July 19th, 2020

This is a really tough topic. In the beginning, I used some unhealthy ways to cope with sex, like drinking too much so I wouldn’t think of it.

After, I used things that are more female oriented and I don’t know how it would translate for a man. I would use a toy, so that my brain would be distracted because for me it was while we were kissing that I would see her face the most. The toy was such an intense stimulation that she would disappear.

I will say that time has helped tremendously. Another thing that helps me in general when something is stuck in my brain is to write about it. I know your BH may not want to do that, but it has really helped me. I haven’t had this issue with sex for a long time thankfully, but it was really awful when I did.

Is your dday anniversary coming up by any chance? Or a particularly triggery date? Sometimes that can affect things as well. When my WH acknowledges things without me bringing them up, it tends to help.

DDay: 6/2016

“Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break Us or Make Us. The choice is ours whether to be Victim or Victor.” - unknown

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 Sayuwontletgo (original poster Member #62427) posted at 1:19 PM on Sunday, July 19th, 2020

Thank you Thissucks. I think using some toys might give a different focus point and that might help. (TMI sorry)Things have gotten better with frequency so it's been a problem a lot of the time when we go for 2 in one night. Toys might help keep that second one spicy.

The only thing I can think of that's been a big change in the last month is a couple we were close to and did counseling with filed for divorce. In that process the wayward in that relationship has shown his true colors and been a complete asshole. I thought through all of the sessions we went through that the wayward really cared about his BW, he had us all fooled. BH has talked about it some and how its bothered him.

Me: WW 32
BH- morethanbroken 33
EA turned PA lasting over 3 yrs
Dday- 0ct 2017
Married 11yrs
working for R

posts: 256   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2018
id 8563743
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 8:49 PM on Sunday, July 19th, 2020

There's this: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=574286&AP=1.

I recommend against reading JFO, but the opening post in the thread above may be helpful to your H and interesting to you.

My own approach to mind movies was to let them play out. Sometimes that made me stop in the middle of what I was doing, but I was OK with that. I told my W why i was stopping, and sometimes we'd have a conversation, sometimes not. Usually the movies were boring compared to what we were doing, so I could stop the movie after a short while.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:49 PM, July 19th (Sunday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25995   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 10:07 PM on Sunday, July 19th, 2020

Not having sex with my cheater worked for me.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8563902
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ibonnie ( Member #62673) posted at 5:18 AM on Monday, July 20th, 2020

I don't recall all the details of your story, but we joined SI about the same time. I'm the BS, and I don't have any advice for you or or BH, unfortunately. I still trigger quite often during sex. There was a bit of time where things seemed to be getting better, and a month or so ago where I actually burst into tears after, because it was the first time in almost two years that we had sex and I didn't have to redirect my thoughts from his AP/A once. It hit me hard as soon as we finished how enjoyable it was to not have to do that.

I find it helpful to just close my eyes and focus on the physical feelings, and ignore who I'm having sex with when that happens. I'll orgasm, but it's kind of depressing, tbh. I miss feeling like sex with my WS was special. I hate thinking of his AP during sex.

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 1986   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8564019
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Pippin ( Member #66219) posted at 2:05 PM on Monday, July 20th, 2020

Hi Sayuwontletgo, glad you hear you and BH are doing well. Maybe some of the same things that helped me deal with intrusive thoughts would help him. When the AP would creep into my mind I would change the narrative of whatever was happening to a violent ending - punching him in the face or throwing him out of a window or whatever. Your husband might imagine you starting to laugh at the AP or insult him. Maybe you can read through Maia's survival guide with an eye to strategies that would help him.

it's been a problem a lot of the time when we go for 2 in one night

Now I think you're just showing off :) Possibly his aging body is trying to get him to slow down a little? Try edging - look up the website OMGyes for a primer.

Him: Shadowfax1

"He does His best work with things that we would have thrown away. That's the kind of God He is." Nicole Mullen

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 Sayuwontletgo (original poster Member #62427) posted at 5:52 PM on Monday, July 20th, 2020

Sisoon- thank you for the link. Lots of great info there! Very specific, very thoughtful. I will be reading that one multiple times. Conversations about whats going on specifically in the trigger havent gone great. I do try to ask if he wants to talk about it or if hed like space. He seems to want me to stay there but we rarely talk through it. Feels like I'm not supporting him by just sitting there but I am also not one to say I understand exactly what he needs in those moments.

Ibonnie- I hope we can get to a place where he isnt interrupted with those intrusive thoughts. I can understand a rollercoaster of having it get better or worse as well. I am sorry that it's an issue for you guys too. I've seen the pain in BH eyes when it happens and I wouldnt wish that on anyone. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Pippin- I'll look through the survival guide. I see a general overview of suggestions about taking control of the narrative, I have to admit I like the idea of any visual that included AP being punched or laughed at.

I promise the 2 a night thing wasn't me trying to "flex" lol. Things really have gotten better in the bedroom and the fact that he would even attempt a 2fer after hes gone through all of this makes me feel like one lucky lady. I dont want to lose that,he has told me how important feeling sexually desired is and how it helps him feel that attachment. If anything it might be my old lady body taking too long the second time. Which causes anxiety.

I took a quick look at the website and oh my.. I have so many questions. It looks like it's very informative : )

Me: WW 32
BH- morethanbroken 33
EA turned PA lasting over 3 yrs
Dday- 0ct 2017
Married 11yrs
working for R

posts: 256   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2018
id 8564186
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 6:44 PM on Monday, July 20th, 2020

This happens to me frequently - not as much as it did before but it happens more than not.

What I do - amp it up. I make sex all about me. I make sure it is O-mazing for me.

Oversimplified- I fu*k AP right out of my head. And I enjOy myself immensely.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 7:27 PM on Monday, July 20th, 2020

Interesting topic. This is one to those things I still struggle with and I suspect many BH’s do. I worry it won’t ever go away — and that maybe the best solution is just to go have a relationship with someone else that can have a “clean slate” with me sexually and otherwise.I can’t possibly be the only BH who has these significant doubts.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

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ibonnie ( Member #62673) posted at 7:51 PM on Monday, July 20th, 2020

Interesting topic. This is one to those things I still struggle with and I suspect many BH’s do. I worry it won’t ever go away — and that maybe the best solution is just to go have a relationship with someone else that can have a “clean slate” with me sexually and otherwise.I can’t possibly be the only BH who has these significant doubts.

BW, but same. Then I think about my kids, and how overall I like my family as is, and feel like it's a reasonable trade off. :/

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 1986   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8564310
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leavingorbit ( Member #69680) posted at 8:30 PM on Monday, July 20th, 2020

WS is there anything that you did to help ease the frequency?

They were going to happen. And did/do. They do happen much less the more I make him and our marriage a priority, share my work, unconditional love. Not very immediate solutions, I know.

He’s my teammate. His biggest fear was that I didn’t want to be a team and never had. That what I did confirmed that he was bad. So the more work I do on being a team, the more work he does on understanding that it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my brokenness, the more they ease.

He’s said that he changes the channel and that’s helpful for him.

We’re MHs so there’s individual shame and flashbacks to deal with, but also double empathy in a lot of ways. That helped us open up about what was underneath those flashbacks for us.

When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us. - bell hooks

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id 8564356
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DoinBettr ( Member #71209) posted at 3:30 AM on Tuesday, July 21st, 2020

2 things that worked for us.

1 - We added in roleplay. Pretending to be someone else with accents, wigs, and the whole nine yards made me focus on the humor of the situation. It kind of forced me to smile and laugh.

2 - One of my friends who really didn't need them (I think) told his doctor he was having some ED issues. He was given some pill that you take like every 3 days. He gave me some when I mentioned I was having issues after the A and I tried them out. I was blind drunk the night after which would usually stop things from happening, nope!

It is like being a teenager again. The only problem is everything turns me on when I tried those, so I need to be sure I am positioned correctly for public. Cute girl in the office, sexy commercial, etc.

Tell your husband to try that out if you want a quick fix. It is crazy how well those worked and they are also supposed to be good for overall blood flow. I also didn't see any side effects.

It even improved the whole experience (Sensitivity/drive). Something to try to get his mojo back. Go to a big box store to get the script filled. My buddy said the generic was like 1 to 2 dollars a pill and they last 3 days. Cheap easy fix for the short term.

I only needed that like 3 times and it built up my confidence again.

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Rideitout ( Member #58849) posted at 10:32 AM on Tuesday, July 21st, 2020

After, I used things that are more female oriented and I don’t know how it would translate for a man. I would use a toy, so that my brain would be distracted because for me it was while we were kissing that I would see her face the most. The toy was such an intense stimulation that she would disappear.

The male translation of that would be "Watch porn while having sex". That has helped for me with my WW, watching other people have sex has helped keep my mind engaged and not focus on the A/AP during the act. Sadly, it took years before it really subsided, it's better now, but it's still there sometimes, and there are still somethings that are really difficult for me (kissing, top of the list; that's still very hard for me to enjoy).

The other suggestion I have is do something new in bed; something that you know your H really wants/likes. If you need some suggestions, I'll post them, but, having done it before, it reads a little, well.. Explicit. Anyway, the suggestion here is to basically pull out some new tricks that will get him reengaged and excited enough about the encounter that it overcomes his mind movies and hurt.

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MrsWalloped ( Member #62313) posted at 1:18 PM on Tuesday, July 21st, 2020

Hi sayuwontletgo.

We went through this and we actually implemented a lot of the suggestions. We didn’t have any type of HB so sex for us was a Big Deal. And it was very tough for him in the beginning. But basically I would use my words in various ways during sex to help him. Lots of love talk and reassurance and depending on the mood, talking dirty too, which was new for us. I was more adventurous and initiated sex a lot. It didn’t erase his mind movies but it made new ones so the other ones didn’t pop up as often. There were many times when he had to stop in the middle and that was it for the night and others when we’d resume.

If I had to say one thing that is really important is how you respond when he gets hit with mind movies. Don’t get frustrated or short with him! Make sure you tell him how sorry you are that your actions ruined what was supposed to be special between you and that you love him. Maybe offer to do something sexually just for him (you need to do a temperature check before offering that because his mood needs to be right and he might just want to be left alone). Either way, being supportive, showing him how much you want him, being more aggressive or adventurous and loving, and reassurance. These helped my BH. Everyone is different. And time. Time helped the most. It’s been years and it still happens. Things still pop up in his head occasionally, but at this stage he mostly lets me know during (sometimes not until after) and we work through it.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

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jailedmind ( Member #74958) posted at 3:09 AM on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020

Bh here. certain positions I could not do with my wife after affair. Took about 3 years before I could. When we were in full on hyper bonding I made myself do what they did . She thanked me after because she thought we were never going to do it that way again. It’s the loss of your masculinity and the betrayal that hurts. One good thing is you find out who your friends are pretty fast. But Zim six years out and I have not beaten the mind movies. They are less than they were but some days i’m crippled from them.

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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 4:42 AM on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020

I don't think anything will make the mind movies stop in the moment.

I can't remember ever not having some sort of flash/mind movies (Ok, exception would be if I was drunk). Early on, I would tell my WH, and he'd give me the puppy dog look of shame, which is about the worst fucking thing to do IMO.

For me, they came in degrees. IOW, sometimes it would be overwhelming. Other times, a relatively short blip. Strange as it sounds, the majority of my mind movies are about what I DON'T know and not what he has fessed up to. E.g., if my WH were to say something during sex, I triggered bc I only got "I don't remember" to that question.

FWIW, I think Mrs. Walloped has it right.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:47 PM, July 21st, 2020 (Tuesday)]

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 5:57 AM on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020

So I should watch porn videos while having sex - got it. Sounds kinda lame to be honest, Maybe I should just get a new partner who hasn’t betrayed me. Would that help?

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 2:03 PM on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020

mind movies

To be exact, they're not mind movies, they're mind plays that you host each time. Pulling in the cast, roughly following a script, stopping and starting and rewriting on the fly. A new show every night.

It is something you are actively doing, running the play, not something that is being done to you.

There is a moment, noticeable if you pay attention, between when the thought pops into your head and when you engage with it emotionally. You control that moment, and can choose to engage with it or not. You can learn to just take a quick dose of Phucitol and get back to being in the moment, instead of raising the curtain on the play. The memories can wait patiently in the wings.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

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id 8565135
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deephurt ( Member #48243) posted at 3:11 PM on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020

Six year out, ap hasn’t been part of any mind movies for years but I still have them. Ap is now faceless and I have them always during sex. I haven’t had sex once since dday that didn’t include a trigger. I have become good at shutting them down but it took years. I have to concentrate on the feeling. I’m not taking the feeling of love, I’m talking the pleasure of sex itself.

Sex has changed for me and I guess it could be permanent .

I enjoy the sex but it’s become just about sex and not feeling connected and loved anymore. My brain keeps telling me easy it was for him to give it away and that he cheated because he felt like it and that he wanted it from someone other than me because he could. It shuts down any feelings of specialness for me. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him but I guess it’s my brain protecting me in some way.

[This message edited by deephurt at 7:46 AM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

me-BW
him-WH


so far successfully in R

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Topic is Sleeping.
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