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I need some help

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Brokenagain100 posted 6/28/2020 04:11 AM

Hello everyone
Iím looking for some advice on what I should do. DD was 6 weeks ago, I found out and confronted him. I was calm and controlled with my emotions. WH left for AP but weíve been sleeping together ever since. I love him so much, Iím so IN love with him but my heart is breaking. Together 20+ years with kids etc. He has said he wants me, that heís still so in love with me but needs time to sort the mess heís made and leave AP. I feel stuck, Iíve been getting myself and my life in order since he left but my heart is breaking. I want him back.
Any advise?

Buster123 posted 6/28/2020 05:35 AM

Expose him with ALL family and close friends and of course OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any and WITHOUT WARNING, then tell him he's got 30 seconds to call her and dump her right there in front of you (no sweet goodbyes) or it means D, D takes a long time and can be stopped before it's final if he comes around, don't forget to get tested for STDs, consult a D attorney to know your options, if he refuses to end it right then and there, just file for D and have him served.

Buster123 posted 6/28/2020 05:37 AM

If he complies, he needs to offer FULL on demand access to his phone and all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, he also needs to get tested for STDs and write a full timeline of the A, others will chime in with more advice.

Hopeful30 posted 6/28/2020 05:42 AM

Iím so sorry you have had to join our group, but. Understand what you are going through.
Read everting you can in the healing library on this site. You are doing what is called the the Pick Me Dance. Many, many people do this; but it never gets you what you want, out of infidelity.

goalong posted 6/28/2020 06:00 AM

His words sound gaslighting. Remember as long as the cheater knows there is a caring spouse at home s/he will not stop cheating and also enjoy it.
Regardless of how dependent you are he should face some consequences otherwise he will take cheating for granted

Brokenagain100 posted 6/28/2020 06:20 AM

Thanks for the replies. My youngest child is hurting badly so for now he is the priority. I donít actually believe heís going to leave the AP. Heís moved in with her and her kids. Meanwhile I am left to deal with my own heartbreak and my childrenís. Looks like I need to remove the fork. Itís just so hard when youíre still in love with someone. Grieving a person who is still alive is the hardest thing Iíve ever gone through.

goalong posted 6/28/2020 06:48 AM

Right now he may be thinking he can come back anytime he feels like. You should tell him in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't drop AP immediately there is no coming back. You are in love with the past. Right now he is your adversary. Also keep people who care about you in the loop to navigate this difficult situation

[This message edited by goalong at 6:50 AM, June 28th (Sunday)]

Stinger posted 6/28/2020 06:50 AM

Most of us can relate, at least to the still loving deal.

But, you are prolonging your pain by continuing to associate with this POS.

See a divorce lawyer asap.

Brokenagain100 posted 6/28/2020 07:00 AM

AP Is also a secret. None of his friends/family know. The children donít know either. I have no idea how long that is going to go on for.
Off to read the healing forum. I am a mess today.

nekonamida posted 6/28/2020 08:25 AM

It's okay to tell your children in an age appropriate way that he has a girlfriend or he has broken a promise to you which sometimes means the marriage has to end. They are blindsided and confused too. You don't want them to feel even worse when he asks to see them and brings them to AP's house. They're going to find out either way. If possible, talk to their school counselors about what is going on and if get counseling for any kid who is particularly struggling.

See a lawyer. Is he still giving you money for Bill's? He should.

jb3199 posted 6/28/2020 08:32 AM

AP Is also a secret. None of his friends/family know.

Why is this the case? You don't want him to be seen in a bad light by others? If so, you do understand that this is a form of enabling. As long as your husband doesn't have to face any harsh realities, what will make him want to change?

Broken, if there was a sure-fire way for someone to get their partner back from infidelity, I would be a cajillionaire. But I am going to tell you something.....something that you already know but for some reason can't enact.....and for the freshly betrayed it is often difficult to hear---you don't currently respect yourself, and things are not going to get better until you do.

If you went back 10 years, and someone told you that your husband is going to betray you, find and AP, and leave to go live with them, what do you think your response would be? Do you think it would have been "I am going to turn into an emotional mess, I am going to keep his affair a secret, and I am going to continue to sleep with him WHILE HE IS LIVING WITH HIS AP....in the hopes that he will see what he is missing?"

Or would the response have been nearly the exact opposite of what was stated above? My guess is it would have been something like "Screw that! If he wants his AP then he can go have her! I'll make sure that the world knows that HE was the one who destroyed this marriage, and I am worth WAY more than accepting a cheater's behavior." THAT would be your self-worth talking, and it would be the correct voice. This is what you need to practice--not tolerating poor behavior based on fears. So much easier said than done, but still the truth.

Find your worth again. Never let your love for someone compromise your core values. Once your husband sees he is left with (2) options(leaving the affair to try with you, or staying with the AP with you out of his life) he will be forced to make a choice. You can't control his choice, but if he isn't willing to fight for you and the marriage, would you still want him?

Brokenagain100 posted 6/28/2020 09:21 AM

Neko, Yes he has been giving me enough money every week since he left and helping with jobs that need done in the house, which makes me look and feel co-dependant but his reason was that it was pointless giving me money for bills etc for me to then pay someone to fix his kids house.

The reason I choose not to tell the kids right now about AP is because Iím so scared theyíll hate him. I donít want that.They will not be staying at AP house until I say it is ok. I know nothing about this person or her character and will not put my children in that situation. I realise that I am enabling him to have the best of both worlds so Iím putting a stop to it. I know my worth and being involved in a love triangle is not it.
If someone had told me 10 years ago this would happen, I wouldnít have believed it. My husband cheat? No way. He says he canít talk to anyone because if he does it will paint me in a bad light. This was hard to hear because it seems like his view of our relationship is very different to the reality.
Thank you for all the replies. I will pop back to read more and update how things are going over the next few days.

Notmine posted 6/28/2020 11:02 AM

I know it feels like the things we are saying are unthinkable and counterintuitive. We have seen many, many stories like yours. None of our stories are completely unique in that cheaters tend to behave and think in predictable ways. The collective wisdom on this site is extensive and is based on what we have experienced and what we know regarding cheaters and their behavior. You must be willing to consider taking certain steps in order to save your marriage, IF that is what you want to do. You do not have to decide now. It is OK if you choose to leave the marriage. Affairs can be dealbreakers. If you want to save your marriage, however, you need to be willing to lose it. These steps are not guaranteed to bring your husband back. That is on him. They WILL get you out of the hell and misery of living in infidelity. As Goalong said: "right now he is your adversary". This is the truth of it right now. REMEMBER: You cannot believe anything he says. He is a liar. Period. His actions tell you who he is, and his actions are telling you he cannot be trusted, the he is self-centered to the extreme, and that he does not give a crap about your feelings or your kids' feelings.

1. You must expose. Your husband and his AP are living in a fantasy land. That must be destroyed by the injection of big doses of reality. You are PROTECTING the affair by not exposing them. If this makes him mad, tough. Through this action (of exposure), you will begin to take your life back and will be working from a position of empowerment. He will begin to respect you, even if he doesn't like your actions. A big part of the dysfunction of the betrayed and wayward relationship is the fucked-up power dynamic. Take your power back.
2. You must care for yourself. Get checked for STDs. Get medication for anxiety if you need it. Get IC to learn strategies for helping yourself. Infidelity is a trauma and many of us have PTSD, or symptoms of it, as a result. Sleep, eat, exercise. Go see a lawyer to learn your rights. Knowledge is power. Have your husband served with D papers. You do not have to go through with it but it sends a strong message that his crap will not be tolerated. It also will help to further eject him from fantasy land. Find a shark lawyer. Scare the crap out of him.
3. You must detach. This allows you some clarity of thought and will help to distance you from the roller coaster of emotions that you are now riding against your will. Read about the 180 in the Healing Library, top left.
4. STOP the pick-me dance. No begging, pleading, changing to suit him. No more sex. Period. He is using you as plan B in case his AP does not work out. Having sex with him is enabling his Wayward behavior. He is probably telling the OW he is not having sex with you, BTW (liar, liar). This will not cause him to choose her. This will show him that you have self-respect and that you will not continue compromise your own integrity for his destructive behavior. Do not let him manipulate you with this. If you DO stay together, the marriage dynamic must change or this will happen again. The power must be equal. In addition, he is responsible for his part of the bills and helping to keep up the house. He is responsible for childcare. Give him a schedule. He can come to the house to watch the kids. You LEAVE and do not tell him where you are going. Even if you are going to scream and cry and pound the Earth, you need to leave. It is a part of detaching and a part of self-empowerment. He lost the right to an opinion about you or your actions when he cheated. He needs to learn this.
5. STOP being a wife. No laundry, "favors", cooking, cleaning, etc. He gets a list of chores he must do to keep up his end of the bargain. If he doesn't do them, not your problem. The action is what will strengthen you.
6. KEEP DATA - all shitty emails. texts, proof of the affair, the date he left the house (abandonment - works for you in court), etc. You might need this as leverage or in court.
7. Respect yourself - He will try to manipulate you. NOPE. He does not get to have a girlfiriend. Get pissed. HE BLEW UP YOUR WORLD AND HURT YOUR KIDS BECAUSE HE IS A SElFISH POS. You did nothing to cause this affair and do not let him tell you that. He could have gone the route of integrity by asking for MC, telling you he was unhappy, etc. He did not choose to have integrity. HE is at fault here. You are 50% responsible for the marriage. He is 100% responsible for the affair.
8 Protect yourself and your kids financially - take 1/2 of all monies, accounts, etc and put them in your name.

I am sure I forgot some things and others will fill in the blanks.

This sucks, You did not deserve this. You will get through it, one way or another. We all did. It is vital that you stand up for yourself and your kids, It is obvious he is not capable of this. He is not capable of being a man, an adult and is not a safe partner for you right now. He may choose to do the work to BECOME safe, but that is up to him. You can only control what you do, you cannot control the outcome. If you buy into and do the above, you might save your marriage if you want it. More importantly, you will begin save yourself. No more letting this asshole disrespect you. You can do this. We are here to help you.

Justsomeguy posted 6/28/2020 11:26 AM

You are still in shock, but it will get better as you find your footing. By not exposing, you are protecting the reputation of a man you thought you married. By lying for him, you are making yourself complicit in his A. This is not your burden to carry. My guess, is that you've carried more than your share of burdens in your life. It takes a while to reprogram thinking like that. You can and will do it, but go easy on yourself. You might find it easier when the rage stage comes. Anger can be a powerfully positive tool for change, in the same way that wars can be significant tools for human scientific progress. Sad, I know.

Now, I am going to say something. It might be hard to hear, so I apologize. But your WH is living with his AP and yet sleeping with you, you have become his side piece. You are now the other woman. Is that what you want for yourself? What advice would you give to your BFF or even daughter in this situation? You need to stand tall in the face of this, eve as you are collapsing inside, and tell him to fick off and the scorch his earth with exposure. Take back your personal power. It is intoxicating to do that, much like the feeling of riding a bike for the first time. Yes, his A is devastating, but it could also be the catalyst for your personal growth.

I am 3.5 years out from Dday#1 and 2 years S. I grieve every day, not for my WW, but for the loss of my hopes and dreams. I am sad every day and lonely. It is hard. But I do not regret leaving for a second. It was what I had to do to reclaim my soul. If I were to plot my progress on some emotional graph, there would be an upward vector, not steep, but upward non the less. That's the way I know I am getting better. I'll be honest, it's hard, but so worth it. You will make it. You will do this.

P.S. I will be following your posts to cheer you on in my heart, looking forward to the moment you serve his balls to him on a plate with a sprig of parsley. Whatever happens, D or R, you are not a doormat. Remember, a dog always runs till the leash stops him.

Notmine posted 6/28/2020 11:29 AM

The reason I choose not to tell the kids right now about AP is because Iím so scared theyíll hate him. I donít want that.They will not be staying at AP house until I say it is ok. I know nothing about this person or her character and will not put my children in that situation. I realise that I am enabling him to have the best of both worlds so Iím putting a stop to it. I know my worth and being involved in a love triangle is not it.

STOP protecting him. This is called a consequence to his actions. He is an adult, even if he is not acting like one. Kids know way more than we think they do. My autistic daughter, who does not notice much outside of herself, asked me about what was going on. You owe your kids the truth in an age-appropriate way. I told my daughter that her dad had lied to me and was continuing to lie and it hurt me a lot. I told her it was not her fault and that we both loved her. I told her that sometimes adults make choices that are painful to others, and sometimes those choices are not ok, but that does not mean that they (the kids) did anything to cause this. Your kids will figure the A out eventually and might well hate him. That is on him, NOT you. Perhaps if he kept his dick in his pants, his kids would actually respect him in the future. HE made this choice. He will not begin to grow up until he is made to face the consequences of his choices like an adult should. Part of the reason cheaters cheat is because they are infants emotionally. Do not enable this.

With regards to the kids' exposure to the OW.....your WH is a proven LIAR. In his fantasy land, he will introduce her to the kids, and everyone will love each other, which will allow him to continue to live in his fantasy land. You will all be friends. He will get full custody so he does not have to pay you a dime, and he will continue to live his life the way he wants it.....and rainbows and unicorns will surround their fairy tale castle. This is how he is trying to rationalize his shitty choices: to keep him from accepting that he is a complete douche. Everything he is saying and doing is to keep you from making him accountable. He does not want the bubble to burst. This is his FIRST priority.

Why would you believe him when he says that he will keep the kids away from her? He is lying to everyone constantly, including himself. You need a COURT ORDER to make this possible. Maybe it will happen the way you think, or maybe, like we have seen many times before, he is covering his ass and pacifying you. Until he doesn't. He likes getting his cake and eating it too. Please stop allowing this. It will not help you.

allusions posted 6/28/2020 13:45 PM

He has said he wants me, that heís still so in love with me but needs time to sort the mess heís made and leave AP.
Time to sort out the mess he's made consists of grabbing his things from OW house, walking out the door and saying "It's over. Don't contact me ever." Very simple. Anything else is putting you through torture while he "sorts out the mess".

The1stWife posted 6/28/2020 14:51 PM

A few things you should know.

1. Most cheaters rewrite the marriage. Suddenly itís a bad marriage. Theyíve been unhappy for a long time (in my opinion from the moment they met the AP).

2. They will continue to lie. Tell you (the betrayed spouse) they want to end the affair. But take no actions to actually end the affair.

3. They will continue us to string both the BS and OW along if they can. The cheater will tell you both what you want to hear.

4. They come around the home to help. No they come around to lessen their guilt and make it seem like everything is ok. No hard feelings. No hate or animosity.

5. The cheater may expect to return to you and never discuss it. Itís called rug sweeping. And many cheaters demand that if they come home there is no discussion on the matter. Big mistake.

6. Their actions do not match their words. Empty promises. I suggest you not listen to the words but watch the cheaterís actions.

7. Donít mistake love 💕 bombing ( flowers or help around the house or dinners) with remorse or the desire to make amends. One is to get out of the doghouse. Nothing more.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:00 AM, June 29th (Monday)]

squid posted 6/28/2020 15:05 PM

He says he canít talk to anyone because if he does it will paint me in a bad light. This was hard to hear because it seems like his view of our relationship is very different to the reality.

What?? He's actively cheating and he says it paints YOU in a bad light?? Talk about mental gymnastics.

You need to put your bitch boots on.

Stop protecting his pig ass. He kids end up hating him? Well, maybe stop being a shit father.

He made his choices. Let him suffer the consequences.

You are trying to nice him back. This never works. He will only disrespect you more and see the AP as more attractive.

Tell him he either decides RIGHT NOW to work on fixing your marriage or he leaves and never comes back. That's it. Do not accept being his Plan B for another second. Hire a shark attorney and let them railroad him. You're worried about the outcome with the kids? Do you think he thought of them when he was/is cheating?

Stop communicating with him unless it's about the divorce or the kids. Stop cleaning up after him. No more wife stuff. He fired you from that job. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

He is not special. He is just your garden variety, cake-eating cheater.

Brokenagain100 posted 6/28/2020 16:23 PM

Thank you so much everyone for saying the things I needed to hear. I appreciate all the comments.
Iím not going to ask him to choose. Iím done. Iím out and I need to keep strong. Not only for me but for my children. Iíve enabled his disrespectful ass for far too many years and Iím no longer willing to be party to it.
Will give in update in a few days. Thanks so much again. :)

Hurtmyheart posted 6/28/2020 23:59 PM

Is this the first time your WH cheated?

Your name Brokenagain seems to indicate this behavior of his is a repeat?

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