I know it feels like the things we are saying are unthinkable and counterintuitive. We have seen many, many stories like yours. None of our stories are completely unique in that cheaters tend to behave and think in predictable ways. The collective wisdom on this site is extensive and is based on what we have experienced and what we know regarding cheaters and their behavior. You must be willing to consider taking certain steps in order to save your marriage, IF that is what you want to do. You do not have to decide now. It is OK if you choose to leave the marriage. Affairs can be dealbreakers. If you want to save your marriage, however, you need to be willing to lose it. These steps are not guaranteed to bring your husband back. That is on him. They WILL get you out of the hell and misery of living in infidelity. As Goalong said: "right now he is your adversary". This is the truth of it right now. REMEMBER: You cannot believe anything he says. He is a liar. Period. His actions tell you who he is, and his actions are telling you he cannot be trusted, the he is self-centered to the extreme, and that he does not give a crap about your feelings or your kids' feelings.
1. You must expose. Your husband and his AP are living in a fantasy land. That must be destroyed by the injection of big doses of reality. You are PROTECTING the affair by not exposing them. If this makes him mad, tough. Through this action (of exposure), you will begin to take your life back and will be working from a position of empowerment. He will begin to respect you, even if he doesn't like your actions. A big part of the dysfunction of the betrayed and wayward relationship is the fucked-up power dynamic. Take your power back.
2. You must care for yourself. Get checked for STDs. Get medication for anxiety if you need it. Get IC to learn strategies for helping yourself. Infidelity is a trauma and many of us have PTSD, or symptoms of it, as a result. Sleep, eat, exercise. Go see a lawyer to learn your rights. Knowledge is power. Have your husband served with D papers. You do not have to go through with it but it sends a strong message that his crap will not be tolerated. It also will help to further eject him from fantasy land. Find a shark lawyer. Scare the crap out of him.
3. You must detach. This allows you some clarity of thought and will help to distance you from the roller coaster of emotions that you are now riding against your will. Read about the 180 in the Healing Library, top left.
4. STOP the pick-me dance. No begging, pleading, changing to suit him. No more sex. Period. He is using you as plan B in case his AP does not work out. Having sex with him is enabling his Wayward behavior. He is probably telling the OW he is not having sex with you, BTW (liar, liar). This will not cause him to choose her. This will show him that you have self-respect and that you will not continue compromise your own integrity for his destructive behavior. Do not let him manipulate you with this. If you DO stay together, the marriage dynamic must change or this will happen again. The power must be equal. In addition, he is responsible for his part of the bills and helping to keep up the house. He is responsible for childcare. Give him a schedule. He can come to the house to watch the kids. You LEAVE and do not tell him where you are going. Even if you are going to scream and cry and pound the Earth, you need to leave. It is a part of detaching and a part of self-empowerment. He lost the right to an opinion about you or your actions when he cheated. He needs to learn this.
5. STOP being a wife. No laundry, "favors", cooking, cleaning, etc. He gets a list of chores he must do to keep up his end of the bargain. If he doesn't do them, not your problem. The action is what will strengthen you.
6. KEEP DATA - all shitty emails. texts, proof of the affair, the date he left the house (abandonment - works for you in court), etc. You might need this as leverage or in court.
7. Respect yourself - He will try to manipulate you. NOPE. He does not get to have a girlfiriend. Get pissed. HE BLEW UP YOUR WORLD AND HURT YOUR KIDS BECAUSE HE IS A SElFISH POS. You did nothing to cause this affair and do not let him tell you that. He could have gone the route of integrity by asking for MC, telling you he was unhappy, etc. He did not choose to have integrity. HE is at fault here. You are 50% responsible for the marriage. He is 100% responsible for the affair.
8 Protect yourself and your kids financially - take 1/2 of all monies, accounts, etc and put them in your name.
I am sure I forgot some things and others will fill in the blanks.
This sucks, You did not deserve this. You will get through it, one way or another. We all did. It is vital that you stand up for yourself and your kids, It is obvious he is not capable of this. He is not capable of being a man, an adult and is not a safe partner for you right now. He may choose to do the work to BECOME safe, but that is up to him. You can only control what you do, you cannot control the outcome. If you buy into and do the above, you might save your marriage if you want it. More importantly, you will begin save yourself. No more letting this asshole disrespect you. You can do this. We are here to help you.