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Should I be more sympathetic to her reasons?

Pages: 1 · 2

notanotherchance posted 6/13/2020 21:36 PM

If what your WW did is too much to accept & attempt R then its your choice to D or???. Many people who draw the line in the sand & state to their S, do not cross or its over, actually do just that. I was one of those no discussion, no reasons, no excuses just don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. I couldn't stomach looking at her or being in the same room as her There is absolutely nothing wrong with sticking to your principles & leaving with your integrity intact.
There is also nothing wrong for some who R if they feel it is worth the fight. If you feel you have invested much into the M & are willing to accept her choice to cheat, shows remorse, puts 150% into rebuilding your trust & M then maybe just maybe there is a chance. The choice is yours.
Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 9:39 PM, June 13th (Saturday)]

StillLivin posted 6/13/2020 22:47 PM

Based on her BS excuses, she's not reconciliation material. Also, most BSes immediately want reconciliation and want to bend over backwards to fix themselves as if they were the problem.
I think one day you will forgive her, but this seems to be a dealbreaker from the start for you. For many of us, it really is a complete dealbreaker and there is no going back.
Based on all of this, I would recommend filing asap. If you have a change of heart before the judge signs, you can always pull the paperwork. Even if you have a change of heart after the divorce, you could work on reconciliation post divorce.

Mene posted 6/14/2020 11:41 AM

What StillLiving wrote.

ALotofHistory posted 6/14/2020 12:03 PM

To answer your question......No.

The other stuff she said is nonsense. She is the one who threw the 10+ yr relationship away. And there is a lot of blameshifting going on here. This was very planned. It sure didn't happen on a Tues evening whilst you sat on the couch watching reruns, did it?!

hardtomove posted 6/14/2020 12:58 PM

No you should not. This may be a deal breaker for you and that's ok. R is very difficult. It is not for the weak, you are no way near it. Maybe you want to take a little more time. However if you do D you can always get back together. It sounds like she disgusts you right now and that may be too much to overcome.

redwing6 posted 6/14/2020 17:50 PM

BSfBS,

Iím disgusted by her. I canít even look at her tbh. I donít yell or antagonize her, in fact Iíve just sort of shut down and donít engage with her. I have literally lost all of my trust (and franklyÖ respect) for her.

IF that's so, there isn't frankly much room for Rconciliation. Literally everything is on her shoulders, but you still have to have some desire for her. If the above is true (and I've only read your initial post...), then you might as well file for divorce right now.

rambler posted 6/14/2020 17:54 PM

Never reinforce bad behavior and her justification.

DIFM posted 6/15/2020 06:01 AM

Should I be more sympathetic to her reasons?

No.

You can have sympathy for some difficult or terrible life challenges she may have experienced. But none of those are reasons. So, no sympathy for reasons, ever.

Tigersrule77 posted 6/15/2020 06:32 AM

Essentially, her "reasons" for the A are that she was selfish. She wants more sex partners - selfish. Jealous that you had more sex partners - selfish/childish. She was drunk - not any kind of excuse, she was offered sex with a stranger and she took it.

She told you because she felt guilty and it would ease her mind to tell you. It wasn't about you, it was about her.

No sympathy at all.

As for whether or not you should file for D, I would suggest you at least talk to an attorney and learn how to protect yourself. Also, you can file for D, and at any time stop the process.

Focus on yourself and what you want your future to look like. Once you figure that out, you will be able to see if your WW is in that picture or not.

SlapNutsABingo posted 6/15/2020 15:10 PM

I think booyah is hitting on something here OP.

Reasons 3 & 4 coupled with her saying you shouldn't throw away a 10 year marriage based on one little mistake, is very telling and points to a very narcissistic view towards you and your marriage. If this is her first A (doubt that) based on those statements you can bet there has been some long term thought and planning put into this. Not sure how long she was gone, but most likely this went on more then one night.

Would it surprise you that she met up with someone that she had planned on seeing? Even if this is exactly how she states, man...! how F'in little do you really mean to her???

KingofNothing posted 6/15/2020 16:11 PM

I wonder what motivated her to tell you? Guilt? Surely she didn't think you would accept this?

SnowToArmPits posted 6/16/2020 04:25 AM

1.
2.
3.
4.
5. I'm a selfish jerk.

smolderingdark posted 6/16/2020 07:05 AM

No, you should not be more sympathetic to her reasons. They are poor excuses. Have you strayed from the marriage? No doubt you have had opportunity but you have remained true. She made several conscious decisions to get to the bedroom with the other man.

You have lost all trust and respect for her. Without these there will be no love. There is no foundation to work with.

She says WE shouldn't throw away 10 years. I would correct her on this point. There was no WE when SHE decided to spread her legs for another man. SHE threw away 10 years.

You describe a switch thrown. Once the switch is thrown there isn't any going back. Cheating is an absolute deal breaker for some - you are in this category. If you choose to reconcile this betrayal will eat away at you and leave you miserable until it breaks you or you leave the marriage anyway.

You should share the following with her if you have not already.

I just feel numb when Iím not around her and visceral disgust when I see or talk to her. We were best friends for so many years and now itís like a flip has been switched in my brain. I want nothing to do with her. I want NO relationship, platonic or otherwise.

I don't recommend this to be spiteful but she should have no illusions as to what future she has with you - none.

There is nothing left for you to wait for. Your feelings on this matter are quite clear. Your feelings for her will not change - disgust. If you search this forum and others you will find many betrayed men end up regretting giving their wayward wives the gift of reconciliation. You will not find very many if any that regretted divorcing their cheating wife.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 1:53 PM, June 16th (Tuesday)]

Chaos posted 6/16/2020 07:14 AM

I'm not going to tell you anything others before me haven't said.

Her "reasons" are bullshit - heck teenagers have better "reasons" for breaking curfew.

What she said is a basic [and not unique] crock of sh*t. You don't have to buy it. You sure as Hell don't have to be sympathetic to it. Up to you if you call it the bullsh*t that it is.

Dismayed2012 posted 6/16/2020 11:08 AM

Sorry to read about your situation BSforaBS.

You've done great outlining your mental stages since the discovery. Those are the stages that everyone goes through.

You're not wrong feeling disgusted when around her and now feeling apathetic toward the relationship. These are normal feelings.

At this point you'd do well to consider whether her behavior is a deal breaker for you. It's not wrong if it is. As a matter of fact, the quickest and surest way back to contentment and freedom is via divorce. Divorce allows you through tangible physical actions to take control of your life back. It also allows you to experience a fresh perspective on life and living; one that you can't get while married.

If it's not a deal breaker and if you decide you want to reconcile, then you and she have a lot of work ahead of you. It generally takes a couple years for things to get mentally back to what you might consider basically normal. Also, you'll notice that when presented with an opportunity to cheat, your resolve to be faithful might not be as strong. Your relationship will always be different than it was.

You've been affected in such a way that you'll never see her as you did before. She's no longer the same person you thought you married. You have to decide if you're going to accept this new person. If you find that apathy sets in and doesn't dissipate, you may find yourself divorcing regardless.

Though it may not seem like it now, you've been given an opportunity to decide your new future. No matter what you decide to do, it's important to realize that your wife's actions have nothing to do with you. You are not the problem; she is.

Take this life changing moment to realign your priorities and set a new life course for yourself. Look 5 years down the road and determine where you want to be and what you want to be doing; then set goals and milestones to get yourself there.

Always remember that you are the prize in this scenario. You're worth much more than you realize. You have value. Take care of yourself by making choices that will have the most positive impact on your life. Also remember that there are many faithful and supportive women out there who are willing to follow you and help you to whatever heights you want to pursue. This is your life. Your wife made her choices. Now it's your turn to make yours. I wish the best for you.

Westway posted 6/16/2020 16:56 PM

Tell her your primary reason for divorcing her is that she's an idiot, and you have no desire to be married to a moron.

twisted posted 6/19/2020 14:40 PM

Why did she really confess? Was she afraid she was seen, or that you would find out some other way?
If this is the case, her confession has no weight, if she knew you would leave. She had nothing else to lose.
If you have no kids and limited assets to be impacted, this would be the tine to consider walking away.

HarryD posted 6/20/2020 11:35 AM

So she had a ONS with someone who may not know her name? That why all the openness with her phone.
Nothing is going yo come from the ONS because the guy is onto his next ONS
The big problem is your WW doing this, putting your health in danger. Donít think protection was used. Why would it And whatís going to happen the next time.
Do you want to be in an untrusting, checking on her accounts for the rest of your life.???

Bigger posted 6/24/2020 06:45 AM

Some of her reasons make sense but none of them justify her decision to cheat.

I think the vast majority of affairs stem from insecurity. Probably over 90%. We all have these insecurities in one or more aspects in our lives, only most of us deal with them sensibly. Like you might feel insecure when you start a new job but you use customer satisfaction, a job well done, confirmation from your peers or praise from your manager alleviate your insecurities. Over time you learn that your insecurities arenít warranted Ė that you are doing a good job even if you donít get praised for each and every task you do. You reach that stage because you feel validated.

I think infidelity is generally about insecurities that the WS ďsolvesĒ with validation.
IF your wife is insecure then one way to get validation is to feel desired. Even if there is no intent to go further. If she went to the bar she might get some validation if a guy sends her a drink. To get more validation she allows him to sit beside her and flirt. To get more validation she ignores his hand on her thigh. Eventually it leads to the sex. At any point she could have cut him off. But she didnít.
Another way to get validation (generally us men) is the ability to pull. Having our drink accepted is validation, chatting up the woman is validation, having her come to our hotel room is the ultimate validation.

But to go back to the job comparison: We wouldnít seek out our managers professional approval by offering him a blow-job. Your wifeís reason of poor self-image is correct, but her method of solving it is totally 100% wrong.

Reasons 3 and 4 are simply the same as 1, only worded differently. Being drunk isnít a reason Ė itís a minimization.


I donít think your wife necessarily went out to a bar to meet a random man and have sex with him. What I do believe is that this is most likely a one-off sexual event. What is positive in your situation is her need to confess. It does show a conscience and a realization that carrying this albatross around would eventually kill the marriage.

But then Ė I could be wrong. For all we know the OM might be Brad from the office who has been flirting with your wife for months. Maybe there was no real intent to have sex when she went to the bar Ė just like there is no real intent to buy that $$$$ Big Bertha driver when you enter the Golf-pro shopÖ The one you walk out with an hour laterÖ

I think we can safely assume that there is no ongoing active infidelity (due to her unprompted confession) Ė However there definitely is undealt with infidelity.
Your marriage can survive. Or you can opt to divorce. Both are very good and valid paths out of infidelity. The absolute worst outcome IMHO is to let things calm down and not deal with the issue. Not deal with the insecurities, the lack of trust, the betrayal and all that. So IF you decide to attempt reconciliation then take it extremely seriously: IC, MC, couples therapy and retreats, communications, aligning your agendas and actively working at making a better marriage. If you decide to divorce then do so seriously: Divorce, separate and detach.

Some issues I would be looking at:
Who is the OM? Some random guy doesnít cut it. You need a name.
Why that hotel bar? Is it one she or you two frequent? In the area? Popular?
Alone or with a friend?

What you need to know is what you are dealing with. If the hotel bar is down the road and you and WW sometimes drop into (alone or together) then the random ONS story might make sense. If however she dressed up and went out alone to THIS particular bar at THIS particular hotel then it sounds a bit more pre-planned and the random guy maybe not so random.

Tempocontour posted 6/28/2020 19:37 PM

How are you doing? I hope you are doing ok.

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