Some of her reasons make sense but none of them justify her decision to cheat.
I think the vast majority of affairs stem from insecurity. Probably over 90%. We all have these insecurities in one or more aspects in our lives, only most of us deal with them sensibly. Like you might feel insecure when you start a new job but you use customer satisfaction, a job well done, confirmation from your peers or praise from your manager alleviate your insecurities. Over time you learn that your insecurities aren’t warranted – that you are doing a good job even if you don’t get praised for each and every task you do. You reach that stage because you feel validated.
I think infidelity is generally about insecurities that the WS “solves” with validation.
IF your wife is insecure then one way to get validation is to feel desired. Even if there is no intent to go further. If she went to the bar she might get some validation if a guy sends her a drink. To get more validation she allows him to sit beside her and flirt. To get more validation she ignores his hand on her thigh. Eventually it leads to the sex. At any point she could have cut him off. But she didn’t.
Another way to get validation (generally us men) is the ability to pull. Having our drink accepted is validation, chatting up the woman is validation, having her come to our hotel room is the ultimate validation.
But to go back to the job comparison: We wouldn’t seek out our managers professional approval by offering him a blow-job. Your wife’s reason of poor self-image is correct, but her method of solving it is totally 100% wrong.
Reasons 3 and 4 are simply the same as 1, only worded differently. Being drunk isn’t a reason – it’s a minimization.
I don’t think your wife necessarily went out to a bar to meet a random man and have sex with him. What I do believe is that this is most likely a one-off sexual event. What is positive in your situation is her need to confess. It does show a conscience and a realization that carrying this albatross around would eventually kill the marriage.
But then – I could be wrong. For all we know the OM might be Brad from the office who has been flirting with your wife for months. Maybe there was no real intent to have sex when she went to the bar – just like there is no real intent to buy that $$$$ Big Bertha driver when you enter the Golf-pro shop… The one you walk out with an hour later…
I think we can safely assume that there is no ongoing active infidelity (due to her unprompted confession) – However there definitely is undealt with infidelity.
Your marriage can survive. Or you can opt to divorce. Both are very good and valid paths out of infidelity. The absolute worst outcome IMHO is to let things calm down and not deal with the issue. Not deal with the insecurities, the lack of trust, the betrayal and all that. So IF you decide to attempt reconciliation then take it extremely seriously: IC, MC, couples therapy and retreats, communications, aligning your agendas and actively working at making a better marriage. If you decide to divorce then do so seriously: Divorce, separate and detach.
Some issues I would be looking at:
Who is the OM? Some random guy doesn’t cut it. You need a name.
Why that hotel bar? Is it one she or you two frequent? In the area? Popular?
Alone or with a friend?
What you need to know is what you are dealing with. If the hotel bar is down the road and you and WW sometimes drop into (alone or together) then the random ONS story might make sense. If however she dressed up and went out alone to THIS particular bar at THIS particular hotel then it sounds a bit more pre-planned and the random guy maybe not so random.