SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First ever post and looking for some advice. My wife and I been married 10 years now, but been together for 33 years as childhood sweethearts that met when we we're both 17. All going great and planning retirement together till last November during a drunken conversation on our 10th wedding anniversary she asked me if I had ever cheated on her? (I haven't} I then asked her the same question and she admitted to a drunken one night stand some 25 years ago with a work colleague. I was shocked to the core, I never thought ever that she would do that. When we get back from the anniversary trip away I confront her again over it and she goes into gory detail about how she had drunken sex in a back alley with a guy she'd been working with for years at a works Christmas party and how sorry she was. She then swears to me thats all it was - a drunken one night stand.. Long story short - I let it drop as she had a medical problem at the time and the upset of us discussing it could have made it worse. I did my level best to ignore what I'd learned after all those years. But all along I knew there was more to it. Fast forward to the covid lock down in March and we're both at home spending 24/7 together and I have to bring it up again as its killing me inside because I know theres more to it. Eventually she confesses to me that it wasn't a one night stand but a 12 month affair with a guy she worked with and they had sex numerous times (gory details remembered but cant remember how it started or exact dates), held hands walking down the street, kissed everyday at work and basically she lead two separate lives for a year with 2 boyfriends, seeing him 5 days a week at work then coming back to me every night. I have had to drag every bit of information out of her over a 8 week period because I feel the need to know everything so I know exactly what I'm dealing with. The latest snippet of info is that she says she ended it with him because he told her he loved her, it apparently took 4 or 5 months after he said it before she did this and she decided she wanted me. I dont believe a word she says at the moment and the guy she was screwing went on to marry another girl in the same office and I believe he dumped my wife for her, which makes me second choice in my eyes. We have had a good life together over the years but.... I wouldn't have chosen the life we've had if id known she was a liar and a cheat, she has tarnished every memory we have together for me. She does seem genuinely remorseful over it and is begging me not to divorce her, but how can I go on if I dont trust or believe her?? I've been at my lowest point ever over this and have and am still having suicidal thoughts. I love her but I hate her.... Can I ever get over this? or is it time to go?... I'm heartbroken and lost.

Hey,

I feel your pain man. I would suggest taking care of yourself first. Get plenty of sleep, eat properly, maybe even Try some exercise to reduce stress. When I first found out people often suggested this to me and it sounded ridiculous but for months I barely slept or ate and it caused me great mental harm.

I also would find an IC to deal with the suicidal thoughts, if you think your currently a danger to yourself reach out to hotline and get immediate help.

I dealt with suicidal thoughts 25 years ago when a GF cheated on me and I know how hard the pain can be but in the end it’s never worth it. Your life has so much more meaning and value.

Just remember the past is the past and it can’t hurt you any more. As far as moving forward to the future get yourself on solid ground and go from there. I can’t really offer much suggestion for the future because in struggling in that area as week.

Be well,

[This message edited by Brew3x at 7:51 AM, June 6th (Saturday)]

Do I have the chronology right:

You met/started dating age 17 (around 1986)

Around age 25 she had a 1-year affair with a co-worker. At the time, you two were dating and living together, but not married. (around 1994)

You got married around age 40 (November, 2009)

At your 10-year anniversary (November 2019) she drunkenly admitted to sex with a co-worker in a ONS.

Now, after prying and interrogating and TT, you know that it was a one-year PA, a very active one with frequent sex. You believe the AP dumped her, which is the only reason she stayed with you. Have you confronted her with this belief?

Why did it take you two so long to get married?

Do you have any children with her?

Is she your first-and-only? Other than the PA, were you her first-and-only?

What are your socioeconomic circumstances? Do you have a career? Does she?

How has sex between the two of you been for the past couple of years?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:20 AM, June 6th (Saturday)]

She has had 25 years to live with her dual life and 25 years of lying to you. How can you be sure it ws only one man or one affair. She needs to work on getting your trust back.

It is all new to you and you can take a much time as you need to deal with it.

A ONS i could probably forgive, but long term affair would be a huge thing to forgive...and I would not ever forget.

worthlessguy,

Sorry you have found us.

First and foremost, reach out to friends and family. Call a suicide hotline. Try a Zoom counseling session. Anything. Take care of you first. This pain will pass.

Second, all of your feelings are valid. Your WW (wayward wife) - maybe she's a formerly wayward wife - essentially lied by omission for 25 years. You finding out now is the same as it would have been if you found out 25 years ago. So we all understand how real your trauma is.

I get how painful TT (trickle truth) can be. Each newly discovered facet is like a new D-day. And having to coax it out of her is equally painful.

I suggest asking your WW to write out a detailed timeline of her affair. One x-rated version and one more sanitized version. Leave the x-rated version somewhere and read the more sanitized version. You don't have to read to x-rated one. But you may find later on that you need to. That's entirely up to you.

What she needs to include is what they said to each other, what she was feeling, what lies she told you (I told you I was at the gym but really I was...). Every detail of how the affair developed and eventually ended. Let her take her time writing it all out.

Believe me, you are going to need this timeline. There are other members here that found out many years later and a timeline was essential in allowing them to heal on some level.

Unfortunately, you are going to eventually have to accept that you will not have the full truth. Cheaters lie. They lie a lot. They lie when they're in the affair. Then they lie even more after they are caught.

You are right to not trust her. You two have about 2-5 years before you will finally move past this.

What you must demand from her is the timeline and full transparency. NO LIES from here on out. As brutal as the truth may be for you, you must root it all out. And she has to provide every detail with no hesitation.

You see, her withholding information is really about protecting herself and her image. It comes from a place of regret and shame is selfish. This is not remorse. If she says she won't tell because she doesn't want to hurt you, shut that shit down.

You may eventually need to go the route of a polygraph test.

She may be begging now. But let's see how that changes after a couple years of you digging around for more truth. Will she become impatient and defensive (not remorse)? Or will she show you through consistent actions that she is truly sorry and remorseful. Only time will tell.

Take care of you first, though. That should be #1 on your priority list. Focus on the basics - eat, sleep, hydrate. Take a walk outside if the weather is nice.

It can be a little slow around here on weekends. But keep posting. We're here.

[This message edited by squid at 8:33 AM, June 6th, 2020 (Saturday)]

WG, I want you to know that you would not be the first or last to D a WS over an old A that ended years ago so don't feel like you are overreacting if you go down that route. Some people just do not want the M they will get after R no matter what the circumstances surrounding infidelity are and that is OK. It's your life. It's your happiness that comes first now. It doesn't matter if your WW has been faithful since. It doesn't matter if she shows remorse. What matter is what you want moving forward.

That said, it's rare that a WS who gets away with an A for so long goes on to be faithful. I wouldn't be surprised if your WW had at least another EA or PA that was shorter and less intense thrown in there at some point. If you are thinking about R, you may want to ask her to write a timeline of the A you know about and ask her to take a polygraph to cover any As you don't know about.

I so get you. My story is not as bad in some ways, as it was 5 years not 25. Having said that, if you are looking to retire then we are of a certain age.

The biggest issue is the injustice of it. You are infuriated that you feel duped, your choices were denied you. Now it’s too late even to take revenge.

And talking about it leads nowhere. I have no doubt that she has already played the cards. “I love you. It was so long ago. I chose you. Our life has been so great. Surely that counts for something. I only cheated with one guy. I was young and confused. We were not married.”

It’s not that they don’t get it. They don’t want to get it.

So you are so angry you want to destroy everything. But you have to live in the world. She is not going to drop into a hole. She is always around acting like everything is normal. Probably sleeping like a baby. While you ruminate and grind yourself in a crucible of what ifs.

And then there is the reality of all that goes into unwinding a relationship. You know she will want everything she can get. Why should she give up anything? Even the courts don’t count adultery from 25 years ago as a factor.

All this and more will go through your head. You will look back on your favorite times and feel like a chump. That they were tainted.

Her reality is that it was so long ago it matters not. She is so past the anxiety, the fear of discovery, and she thinks that she did you a favor by keeping it a secret.

And of course you wonder if she looks back fondly on her life at that time. She will deny it to the skies, but you will not believe her. You don’t have sex for a year because it feels bad.

So yes you can forgive her. And no these thoughts will not go away. So you will have to make internal trade offs as to what life you can live, get your self respect back, and find a new normal. You hear it all the time, but the answer is time. It will get better.

Whatever you decide, that is ok. No one can criticize. Just think it through. Don’t react out of panic or anger or fear.

And finally, no you are not worthless.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 10:12 AM, June 6th (Saturday)]

You are not worthless....WorthlessGuy. She may be. Not you are not.

33 years together. That’s a long time.

She is not the person she portrayed herself to be. She has been a cheater/liar for 25 of your 33 years. She knows you would have not married her had you known.

It’s heavy. And it’s going to hurt like hell for awhile. So make a plan to help you get thru it. Eat right, exercise, no alcohol. Spend time with friends and family.

But you can get through this. No cheating woman, no matter the history you have together, is worth ending your life over.

I would suggest, if it’s at all possible, to get some distance from her. Both physically and mentally. You need time to sort your thoughts out. It’s a lot to process.

longsadstory1952 - Me too...same boat with the hole in it. And you summed everything I have been feeling perfectly. Nailed it dead on.

My advice is to read the Healing Library and start the 180...it’s for you and to give you space that you need to think and start the very slow process of healing.

In the “I can relate” forum there is a thread for Those who found out years later...post there also. We are all going through what you are now.

It’s the worst thing a married couple can face. It’s sucks, knocks the wind out of you and gut punches you all at the same time. For me it’s the years of lies and the fact my WH took away my choice in my life.

Hugs

Why stay. You have a chance to get a toxic, lying cheater out of your life. I doubt this was her only foray.

Single again at your age can be very enjoyable. Let her go see how marketable she is at this age. Should be educational for her.

For your WW it was a long time ago. Water under the bridge. As others have said, though, it might not be the only one. As you've found out it might not be anything because of the great difficulty you had on getting what you do now know.

I found out 11 years after my WW started cheating. It went on for 4 years. I was suspicious but never had proof. When I found out it was like it was yesterday for me. Brand new trauma. It was pain like I had never felt and so severe I thought it would kill me. I hoped it would.

I did attempt suicide. I immediately went into IC after the failed attempt. I had never been depressed even before that and never had any suicide ideation. I'm so glad I failed. I have so much to live for. You do to. Get help. Get the suicide prevention line number so you can call if you need to.

The fact is that for you and for me the cheating didn't end years ago. The lies and living a fake life continued. Those are of the mindset that allows a cheater to cheat and just carry on without a care. My WW was ever going to leave me. We walked hand in hand through our pastures, worked cattle, vacations, antique shopping, snooped in tide waters, etc., etc. It takes a different mindset to be able to act like that and cheat, too.

The wasn't anything you did or didn't do that cause her to commit adultery. It is all on her. Those who cheat tend to invest less into the relationship than the BS. The invest less so they value less and the loss is less.

I don't know if you can forgive your WW. I have forgiven my WW. Forgive doesn't mean forget or rugsweep. Forgiveness is for the forgiver. I have divorced my WW for the adultery.

Just because it was so long ago doesn't make it less painful for you. As I said, it is like it was yesterday and you will have the same roller coaster of emotions and recovery time as if it actually just did happen. It is up to you to determine if you will forgive and if you will R or D. Be true to yourself.

Single again at your age can be very enjoyable. Let her go see how marketable she is at this age. Should be educational for her.

True. I see it all over my neighborhood. Divorced middle aged guy, enjoying life, dating, smiling. Divorced middle aged woman, boxed wine and bitter social media posts.

It may have happened 25 years ago for her, but for you it JUST HAPPENED!!!

And as I tell my teenagers, there are some things that will have never ending consequences. Some things can never be forgiven.

Do what is best FOR YOU!

Good luck.

Stay strong

And do what you must to be able to look yourself in the mirror

In the forums, scroll down and there is one called “I can relate” Under that forum there is one called “For Those Who found out Years later”. Read thru it. It will help you understand that all of the feelings you are experiencing are normal and need to be worked thru.

I found out 40 years later, and it was with my best friend who stayed in our life for years after it was over. We are in recovery, but it is still a work in progress as I learn who my husband really is.

Your pain is as raw as if it happened yesterday. I am sorry that you are here.

[This message edited by Lefty at 1:02 PM, June 6th (Saturday)]

W,

Sorry you’re here. It’s a painful place for all of who have been betrayed. You’ll get some really solid and outstanding advice here. Pay attention to it, but remember the decision to R or D is all yours. Whichever path you choose, there will be excellent advice on how best to navigate it.

The big question for me is why????? Why after 25 years and on your 10th anniversary trip did WW choose to bring this up and tell you. This was just cold and cruel. It feels like perhaps she was tried of feeling guilty about it and has now come clean. This frees her and gives her a clean conscience while it shifts all the pain to you. She’s now been “freed” and you’re the one who’s in prison. Is this the person you really want to retire with? Tough questions need to be asked and answered, Stay strong.

She asked you this question knowing it would lead to her confessions, why now ?..

Those drunken office Xmas parties have destroyed many marriages, but to continue after when sober is difficult to comprehend.

My STBXWH finally confessed to a rumoured A, over 20 years ago as details of his Continued extramarital relationships were being detailed recently.

WH only proved himself to be a vile repeat offender who shows absolutely no remorse.

You need time to process your feelings towards your wife.

The A, 25 years ago, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t truly love you. It’s awful right now as you have doubts whether you are her one true love.

So for me, all the money in the world couldn’t buy true love into our marriage.

The A, 25 years ago, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t truly love you. It’s awful right now as you have doubts whether you are her one true love.

I'm generally not one to argue with other posters in the Just Found Out forum, but I will say this: Your wife's definition or "true love" is much different from yours.

My personal point of view: If you are in a committed relationship and you are secretly fucking someone you don't "truly love" the person you are betraying.

If you take away the agency of the "person you love" by lying to their face for 2.5 decades, then only let the cat out of the bag because you feel it's been enough time, or maybe they won't leave you because they are too old, whatever - that person doesn't truly love you.

In my opinion, the longer you hold this information from the betrayed, the more selfish you are and the less true your love is.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 3:15 PM, June 7th (Sunday)]

I'm sorry you're here. Welcome to the club literally NONE of us ever wanted to join. While the affair might have happened 25 years ago, it's a fresh wound for you. I think that you'll find a lot of support and advice here. I would strongly suggest that you get some individual therapy. It will help with the ugly roller coaster you're on right now.

Sorry you're here!!

Sure sounds like you were plan B without a doubt. Yes, she may "love" you now, but she didn't then.

If she did "love" you at that point in time, I'd say it sure wouldn't be the type of love I'd want from a partner.

I agree with those who state she robbed you of a very important choice in your life. She did steal that from you and had no issue living with it for 25 years.

There's a good chance that was the only time, but honestly there's just a good of a chance it wasn't.

I've been married to my 2nd wife for almost 25 years and if she told me the same thing your wife did, I'm 99% certain we wouldn't R, not even close, as I would not believe her "love" for me was ever what she claimed it to be.

I do wish you peace, and hope you get through it whichever way is best for you.