SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So D-Day was March 20th. Followed by a different kind of D-Day, Diagnosis Day, on April 14th: Bipolar 1, severe mania with psychotic traits.

For years we had been operating under the belief he had ADHD and Depression--it's now clear the medications we were using to keep those disorders at bay only served to increase the bipolar mania he was experiencing. The increasing quantities of alcohol he consumed nightly in order sedate the mania-induced agitation and irritability was mostly likely what pushed him over the edge. And just like in most manic episodes one reads about, he was absolutely on fire at work and constantly recognized as such. Creative, productive and the highest of performers. He was flying high.

I absolutely knew things weren't 'right'with us, however, especially in the last year. The guy I had known was totally different. Arrogant, distant, irritable. He seemed to have checked out of our family and his personal happiness was forefront always, and all of that revolved around his job or activities that didn't include us. Then came a sudden and increasing focus on sex. This hypersexuality and my inability to keep up made the possibility of betrayal forefront in my mind. It was undoubtedly my worst fear and one that we discussed ad nauseum. Of course, I was assured that would never happen to me, and gaslighted to no end when I raised my doubts. His job, which included 100% travel, meant that the opportunity for infidelity was ripe, and the more disconnected I felt from him, the more I began to panic. So this is now me, a betrayed wife who went to extreme, and honestly quite embarrassing lengths, to ensure I wouldn't end up exactly where I am today.

This lockdown has posed an interesting conundrum, in that if it wasn't being quarantined, he wouldn't have been home for me to have found the emails and texts exposing his work affair. Yet because of being quarantined (and his high-risk vulnerabilities to Co-Vid) I could not bring myself to kick him out and risk his exposure to the virus. I did my best, however, and separated us into different bedrooms, and we just dove directly into our individual therapies for weeks. And that is when Diagnosis Day came to be.

I'm struggling with many different aspects of this total shitshow. And this website has been incredibly helpful on many fronts. But there is one area I have yet to see discussed and I am hoping to find assistance with--anyone else with a dual discovery? Infidelity AND an unearthed severe mental illness? It truly makes my head spin.

On one level--I'm a mental health advocate and I can't imagine turning my back on him now. I understand and believe in the science and chemical basis behind this disorder. When I think about having a partner with bipolar 1 in the future I think--well, I already had one for 12 years, maybe it could be super awesome to have one who is actually stabilized, being treated, and knows how to best maintain his health and the ADD-like symptoms we always thought we had no choice but to suffer through?! Like, could life actually be better in some ways? But on the other level, why oh why did his severe manic episode, the one that made him finally hit rock bottom, have to include my worst fear? Many others with Bipolar I never cross this line. How do I process this physical and emotional affair when I can never get the 'why' I so desperately need to understand it? He cannot remember much about it at all, and he says while it sounds ridiculous, it feels like the affair was committed by someone else that took over his body. He just remembers feeling that he was revolutionizing his industry and that this co-worker was mesmerized by him and his innovative ideas and they became an unstoppable team.

Anyone have experience with this? Or anyone care to share how they would suggest I begin to process this?

Another fun tidbit: the mania episode continues, despite his best attempts, its going to take a few more weeks at the very least to get this severe of an episode under control. So I'm not in any rush. Just living in a lockdown with a manic person who has destroyed my life and trying my best to parent my strong but vulnerable kids who did nothing to deserve this unstable and tragic situation we are stuck in.

Welcome! Even though no one wants to experience what we did to get here, we’ll here we are! And it’s good to have others who are going through the same thing. My husband has Borderline Personality Disorder, and his symptoms were severely exacerbated by concussions (TBI’s). The past 2 years of escalating symptoms has been pure hell. My D-day was February, and very shortly thereafter I had to have him

Committed to the mental hospital. While he was committed, I found a secret email through which he and his AP had gone underground (Prior to his hospitalization) to keep their secret going. I had to actually confront him about this DURING his stay, so he would be able to have support about my discovery. Who did I have for support?! No one, because due to the COVID crisis no one was seeing patients. To say this has been a very frustrating experience is an understatement. Waiting for meds to kick in to stabilize them while we have no power over the situation is excruciating. While the advice from this group can be life saving, be careful. There are some who don’t understand mental illness and the fact that each situation is different and should be treated as such. The belief that there is a one size fits all answer to what we are going through can be hurtful and deceiving. Many of the answers such as THEY have to do all the work to prove their remorse doesn’t necessarily apply exactly the same to those with a mental illness. Just remember not to compare your situation to anyone else’s. Feel free to pm me any time regarding my experience thus far. This is our second time around the infidelity block. We’re here a second time because we didn’t do the appropriate work the first time. I won’t make that mistake again.

My father has bipolar and as far as I can tell he's probably cheated on my mother throughout their entire marriage or at least for most of it on and off. When I first found out about the cheating I was 17. And he was in the middle of a full blown manic episode. I told her to divorce him. She chose to stay. I'm almost 36 now still telling her if she wants to divorce him it's perfectly fine.

I really think my mom and the family overall would have been better off if she had divorced him when we were younger. They're basically roommates at this point and have been for most of their marriage.

Don't be my mom. Get out now. Don't feel the need to be a martyr because you consider yourself a "mental health advocate". I'm an ER nurse with a degree in Psychology on top of that. And while I sympathize with those with bipolar disorder, I would not want anyone who has it in my life on any level. Because I've seen too much shit with my father and my sister first hand. Not to mention what I've seen in the ER.

The lying, the manipulation, the poor impulse control, stupid decisions, uncontrolled emotions, abuse, etc. They're emotional vampires and they will suck you fucking dry, keep it moving, all the while blaming it all on their disease and finding someone else to drain.

And all you can do is sit on pins and needles while you wait for the next manic episode (and there will be more).

Seeing how you seem to have 2 younger kids I would especially recommend getting out sooner rather than later.

[This message edited by JS84 at 10:04 PM, May 17th (Sunday)]

So I'm just going to accept the argument that this man cannot control his cheating due to a mental disorder.

If someone had a disease that caused them to occasionally light the house on fire in the middle of the night, would you be an asshole for leaving them?

How about if they had a mental disorder that caused them to randomly punch you in the face?

Would you say "Well maybe if they keep taking their meds they might be able to stop lighting the house on fire or hitting me and I might be happy" or would you realize that you would never be able to relax with a spouse who could lose control of their ability to not do these things? It isn't "just" cheating. Cheating can kill you and it most certainly can cause you physical harm. It obviously causes great psychological harm.

It is sad that some people have mental disorders that make them hazardous to those who love them. It is possible that my XWH has a mental disorder or two. It is certain that he isn't happy with how his life turns out because of his brain making him do hurtful and foolish things. It would not have served anyone for me to martyr my own psychological and physical health because it is sad for him to be alone and damaged. Call me selfish, but it would be much more sad for him to be damaging me. Two victims aren't better than one.

Another thought...it's okay to be selfish, especially considering that you have kids. Is this the life you want to live? You don't have to live as the support system to someone who will harm you repeatedly. You are more important than that. It is okay to be a mental health advocate and advocate first for your own mental health and not live in that environment.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:25 AM, May 18th (Monday)]

I'm with Dee on this one.

On the one hand I see DevestatedDee's POV. And I don't necessarily disagree with it.

On the other hand, a very good friend of mine has a wife in her early 50's. About 9 months ago she started doing very odd and potentially dangerous things. Started talking to herself, left my friend and moved in to a motel, was hanging out with some people she shouldn't be (open marriage couple and the guy liked my friend's wife a lot...) and many other things. He and I worked thru it and finally with family help he got her to see a mental therapist where she was diagnosed as bipolar. Fast forward to today and with the help of some meds she is fine. As good as ever and realizes she will need these to control her illness.

The thought is, and again not disagreeing with Dee, maybe if properly medicated you have someone back you can live with. Just a thought.

thatbpguy, I don't disagree with you either. It depends on what we're willing to handle or maybe what we're able to handle. I've thought about this scenario a lot because I lived a very similar one. My XWH theoretically could have stayed in recovery and become a better person whom I could technically live with. I saw pretty quickly that it didn't matter to me who he became. I couldn't love him like that anymore. He did too much damage. Knowing that he had that potential in him was too much for me. Just the drug addict part was a dealbreaker and that was a lot less painful than the sex addict part. Knowing that he could treat me like garbage and explode his life if he slipped up and stopped taking meds and going to meetings pretty much removed any sense of safety in that marriage for me. That isn't to say that someone else doesn't have it in them to walk that path. It's perfectly okay if they choose not to. No one should remain in this situation out of a sense of guilt or obligation.

I'm very much a proponent of, your right to swing your arm ends where my nose is. Doesn't really ultimately matter if you're swinging your arm because you're trying to avoid a wasp sting, you had an uncontrollable twitch, or you were trying to hit me- I don't want to get hit.

I've been in relationships with people who have mental health issues. The biggest difference is the ones who truly want to get better. They get meds and do what they need to do to get themselves healthy again. It doesn't mean they don't have the occasional down cycle- but it means that they are fighting for their own health and the relationship.

The ones who only halfheartedly look into things or don't keep up with their treatment for various reasons? They're not going to get better, and they're going to hurt the people they care about, full stop. You can't help someone who won't put everything they have into getting better- all you can do is enable them, and that's not good for anyone. As a mental health advocate, I'm sure that you know that, too.

You are not responsible for his mental health; he is. You are responsible for your own, and that of your children. How committed is he to actually getting better? Or did he like that feeling of flying high and being super creative?

[This message edited by PSTI at 1:09 PM, May 18th (Monday)]

First of all, my use of 'mental health advocate' is making me cringe so I would like to pretend I didn't use that word and try to explain more about my intention here. There is a lot of mental illness in my extended family, and I lost a family member, the closest person to me, to suicide over 15 years ago. Over the years I have dealt with a lot of the stigma associated with mental health, and am often baffled by people's ignorance and refusal to recognize mental illness for what it is.

Dee, you explained your position so well and I appreciate the analogies because it seems so very obvious what the answer should be when I look at it that way.

But here is what immediately trips me up with this: he recognized there was a problem in his brain years ago when his impulsive spending, inability to focus, hyperactivity and unstable moods took a huge toll on our family. He went all out trying to fix things--received his ADHD diagnosis, an eventual co-morbid diagnosis of depression, individual counseling, intensive neurofeedback, everything that was suggested to him by professionals to try and improve his symptoms. So he was trying. But he was misdiagnosed (which apparently happens often with Bipolar--I've read that 70 percent of bipolar patients are misdiagnosed at least once, and that Bipolar patients wait on average 17 years before receiving an accurate diagnosis). And it just so happens that his misdiagnoses included daily medications that are proven to actually exacerbate mania in bipolar patients.

But still, this person I am married to committed these acts. I get that. But does this change the analogy for you at all? I just don't feel like I'm thinking straight and appreciate your views.

PSTI-this hit home. I'm most comfortable in black and white, despite trying to fight this outlook my whole life. The gray area is scary and I'm already feeling so unsafe as is. The answer is that I cannot imagine anyone trying any harder than he is right now. While still manic. maybe moderately so at this point. It is surreal to watch him recognize what is happening in his mind in real time and then working closely with all the professionals on his team to get stabilized. I'm told this is normal based on how far gone he was and the fact we decided against hospitalization due to Co-Vid.

He insists that flying high was not worth this destruction and he does not want to feel that way ever again. And he assures me that he is fully aware he might feel 'flat' after such intense periods of sustained productivity, energy and creativity. He is also clear that once stabilization is reached, he will do everything to maintain this to the best of his ability--taking his meds, consistent sleep schedule, no alcohol, changing jobs, continued therapy, etc. But then again, I'm sure most newly diagnosed patients claim the same. He has lost everything important to him in the most spectacular fashion--how could he not pull out all the stops when he knows there is a chance his family might stick by his side?

JS84-thank you for sharing this. Question: Did he attempt to maintain his health? Was he ever committed to it and then lost his way?

JS84-thank you for sharing this. Question: Did he attempt to maintain his health? Was he ever committed to it and then lost his way?

Yes and no. He should really be seeing a psychiatrist regularly which he doesn't. I also don't think he's compliant with his meds. Which isn't too uncommon as most can't stand the side effects.

Fortunately he can be relatively stable the majority of the time although you can still see signs of mania/bipolar in his personality. He's probably had 2 major manic episodes since the one he had in 01-02 followed by depressive episodes.

The only time he's ever taken concrete action to get better is when his job made him. Nothing me, my mother, my siblings, or his mother said ever really seemed to make a difference. But once his job talked to him, suddenly he'd make changes.

So it also depends on how motivated they are to get better and what actually will motivate them to get better. Sometimes there isn't anything at all. For my Dad his motivation was his job, not his family.

I did not read all the other responses but I fall in your camp. It was an invisible struggle before his diagnosis. I knew the struggle was there but it was faceless and nameless and I could make no impact despite my best efforts. The diagnosis was a sad day but also a day that made my years of living with him make sense.

It is easy to be a mental health advocate but much harder when their actions have impacted you negatively, especially when they still do. It is very tough to live with it day in and day out. I went to support groups to learn more about it.

I have had a very hard time trying to figure out when he is being an ass verses his mental illness. Some days I feel sorry for him and others I have zero empathy and it is not an excuse.

One thing I did learn is that they will usually choose one person in particular to lash out at. That is me. I take the brunt of it. I support him in seeking help for it but I cannot be that person in his life. I have been too hurt emotionally and too torn down. I have seen other women become that advocate and caretaker.

For me....I am not willing to be treated the ways he treats me and I don't care the reason anymore. I know that may sound harsh but that is where it is for me. He is too mean. Not helpful enough. Lashes out at me. Cheated on me. Gaslights and so on. He is very smart and clever but also deals with this illness.

The absolute hardest part is the back and forth. Sometimes I see the man I love and married. We had good memories. Other times he reminds me again of the other part. It really hurts honestly when it comes back around. When I become that terrible person again he thinks I am again. It always hurts even now.

But does this change the analogy for you at all? I just don't feel like I'm thinking straight and appreciate your views.

Bravesoul, for me it doesn't, but I am going to be up front with you. I, as a BS, am not someone who would succeed at R anyway. I wouldn't have succeeded in R from drug addiction, much less infidelity. I'm not built for it. I'm likely more selfish than the average person who chooses to reconcile in this situation. I've spent years on my own and enjoyed it, so it's not scary to me to be single. I am fortunate enough to be able to support myself and my children, so I don't have the same financial concerns that others might have. I believe in love and I believe that people can improve themselves, but I crave peace and basic stability in my life. I'm selective about who I depend on for emotional support. I would stay by a husband who had a terrible injury or illness. I would stay by a husband who had a mental illness that did not preclude empathy for me or cause him to actively harm me. I would stay with and nurse a husband who had 3rd degree disfiguring burns all over his body and proudly hold his hand in public. I am not a cruel or unempathetic person and I take marriage very seriously. What I cannot have in my home is a person who can turn his empathy off and treat me poorly. I have to have the basic guarantee that this person has my best interests in mind and is able at all times to recognize and respect my humanity. In hard times, in easy times, in all times. If I cannot have that, then I do not want it. I will (and did) leave a sick person who cannot love me or treat me with decency. I will sacrifice for a man I love, but I will not martyr myself to him, if that makes sense.

But that is me. That is how I view it. That isn't a universal stance.

It comes down to: what are you willing to accept?

You can choose to leave. IIRC, many SIers have entered R with BP II WSes and ended up leaving. If this recent betrayal is a deal breaker, that's OK. One can have tremendous sympathy for someone with a mental illness and still not want to stay M to him/her/them.

At the same time, it looks like he wants to be faithful, especially in light of his following through with treatment for ADHD and depression. He sounds like he's a good candidate for R.

I'm ADD, so I have some knowledge of the high I get when hyperfocus sets in and everything I do gets me closer to my goal. I love that high, and treatment takes away some of my ability to get there. I'd rather lose that edge, though, because of other things the treatment does. If your H is really willing to give up the good part of the mania, one would think R is a good possibility.

So you get to choose between what look like 2 decent choices - with 'decent' meaning 'about as good as it can get in these indecent circumstances.'

R is a risk, partly because you have to make yourself vulnerable to other manic episodes, partly because it takes a long time to build a new M, and partly because it takes work to maintain and enhance the new M.

But if both you and your H do the necessary work, R can be amazing.

*****

I can accept that your H lost a lot of control over his behavior during his A. I can accept chalking his A up to mental illness.

But that doesn't change the fact that you've been traumatized. Your H's mental illness may reduce his responsibility, but it does absolutely nothing to mitigate your pain.

In a sense, I saw my W's A as a breakdown, and I turned that for a while into discounting my grief, anger, fear, and shame. It was a lousy idea. Don't discount your pain. Cry, rage, shudder in fear, put a mask on before going out in public (which is now even stylish) - do what you need to do to process that pain out of your body.

*****

Welcome to SI.

On the 2nd page of JFO ( i.e. the Just Found Out forum), you should see a number of threads that stick out because of funny-looking icons that I think are bull's eyes. I recommend looking at those threads and at the 'Healing Library, which starts at https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp - also, there's a link to it in the yellow box in the upper left of SI pages.

Sisoon lays out an interesting perspective. I could never accept that his actions were due to his mental illness. Maybe if I could have then we would have had a better chance of R.I really did not accept that because of the extent of his choices and/or maybe I was too hurt to care. Either way there is not a right or wrong answer as to if someone stays to work through it or not. It is up to each person to walk that very personal journey. Just know you are not the only person that has walked this path. There are definitely others here on SI.

My H was undiagnosed BP, cheated and had addiction issues which I understand can all go hand in hand.

I could never accept that his actions were due to his mental illness.

I found that for me it didn't matter. I mattered more to me than he did. Maybe my XWH was a cheating asshole, maybe he was a sick person for whom buying prostitutes was a symptom. Ultimately it didn't matter. It all still happened and I was damaged by it. Sanity for me was getting away from him. He made a mockery of love and our marriage and of me too. I'll never know whether he's truly sorry for it or whether or not he even has the capacity to be sorry for it. And that's okay. I still have me. He was no longer truly an option as he was never who I thought he was in the first place.

I'm in the same boat, a spouse long misdiagnosed with depression, ultimately diagnosed BP. While his verbal and emotional abuse stopped almost completely when he was properly medicated, his addictive behavior continued.

There is no scenario that says staying with a spouse is required. Sickness and health may be part of your vows, but when that sickness makes YOU sick, and threatens your children you have every right to put yourself first.

Now, senility and Alzheimer's are exceptions, imo. It may be that one can no longer care for a spouse if those diseases escalate, abandoning that spouse is akin to divorcing when cancer is diagnosed.

How do you process this infidelity? It is really hard. To be perfectly honest I think regardless of the mental illness my H CHOSE to be selfish as hell and violate our M in the worst way. If you strip the diagnosis away it is really just quite stereotypical is it not? He also cheated as he was the powerful awesome boss close to middle age and she was the cute younger employee that got a raise. They were a power team setting records and making sales. They also slept togehter on business trips and so on. He got lost in the affair fog fantasty. He woke up when I caught hom of course. That is garden variety ego boost cheating! It can honestly be both issues. You can be dealing with someone with a mental illness and a selfish entitled person at the same time.

I just have to say no one took over his body. Stop with that already. He had total control over himself. He probably never thought he would get caught.

Another thing to process is that you need care yourself and so do your kids. This is not something you can shield them from completely any more than you can yourself. You will need support. I do believe they can grow up healthy and happy but they will notice this in their dad. It has already affected your family.

One thing I found to be very helpful is to realize that I took many things personally that were not and still isn't. I was not a bad W. How could I have known how to reach him and so on. It just was not my fault. I could not have better wifed my way out of it. There was not making him happy. He needed professional help.

You can be dealing with someone with a mental illness and a selfish entitled person at the same time.

Yep. Absolutely. And it doesn't even matter when you get right down to it whether a person is just selfish and entitled as part of their core personality or if their brain chemistry makes them behave in a selfish and entitled way. I mean really, what's the difference? Maybe one can use medication to improve impulse control and mood, but is that medication going to flood the person full of good character and human decency? The person would have to have had a core of good character and human decency in the first place. I'm not convinced that bipolar people with good character choose infidelity as their way of acting out.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 8:37 AM, May 19th (Tuesday)]