SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wanted to chime in as I know how confusing a bipolar diagnosis can make an already confusing state of infidelity.

My wife committed just unbelievable acts of infidelity and later on during our recovery and trickle truth it all came to a head and she broke down and got admitted to a mental hospital. It was determined she was an undiagnosed Bipolar.

How bipolar plays into other parts of someone’s personality can be tough for us betrayed to understand. My wife certainly has had other issues including an extreme need to be liked and a very low value of herself. When a manic phase was triggered it turned into a toxic cocktail that maybe each on their own may not have led her down that road.

Now here’s where each situation is different and I can only tell you where my journey has taken me.

We have been married over 25 years with 2 kids and actually get along very well. I say this because what you would give up if you split is a consideration we all have to weigh.

She has owned her betrayal and embraced her mental health journey. She has had weekly individual counseling since the diagnosis and frequent psychiatric appointments to manage and adjust medications. She is very focused on these things because she seems truly disgusted and confused by her actions while in a manic episode. She had no self worth and acted in a compulsive manner to get the high that she felt she needed without any consideration of career, family, and friendships.

Am I saying there is no chance for a repeat? No, I don’t think I can say that but I’m not the same person I was before either and now understand a bit more what I’m dealing with.

And I have to be honest, I too struggle with what is being said in this thread of things like is it just an excuse or is it just a pattern that is bound to be repeated. There may always be that dark voice but I am learning how to manage that dialog some days.

It’s not easy but at this point she seems totally committed to her healing and our rebuilding a new relationship.

I’ve often wished there could be a bipolar I can relate thread. Some of the discussion is in the mental illness thread but bipolar is a behavioral disorder which can have entirely different wrinkles.

I wish you strength.

I still have growth I need to figure out in my end like accepting something I may never fully understand and understanding what forgiveness looks like.

There is always a chance for a repeat actually with or without a mental illness or disorder. This is a chance every BS gives that R's.

I actually find it more concerning that he has had issues in the past that hurt the family, received help and still ended up here. Even if the help was not 100 percent right. He was not clueless that he had issues and he has hurt his family before and now even worse. You can look at it that the problem was that the misdiagnosis or that his selfish acts over the years has repeatedly hurt his family. He got help before and now here he is repeating the same pattern of getting help now that things are out of control again.

I will be totally honest and say take what you want and leave the rest because I may be just have a totally negative filter! I do believe things can get better and there is hope. It does not mean your H cannot do better with professional help and live a better life and be a better man. I do believe in that despite my suspicious nature!

Do you think the severity of the betrayal plays into some BS view of this? As in my H cheated 4 times and had a 2 year LTA. That is not exactly impulsive. He did some really low handed things, gaslighted, manipulated, TT, lied like crazy. He was really disgusting so maybe that is part of why I feel the way I do about it.

Do you think the severity of the betrayal plays into some BS view of this? As in my H cheated 4 times and had a 2 year LTA. That is not exactly impulsive. He did some really low handed things, gaslighted, manipulated, TT, lied like crazy. He was really disgusting so maybe that is part of why I feel the way I do about it.

Yeah, you hit on something there. I think I could call it mental illness if a WS walked into a room and found himself having sex with a random stranger and then ran away in horror at wtf just happened that was out of his control. I think I step off the mental illness train once we're texting the BS that we're working late and telling calculated lies in order to cheat. That's when we come off the mental illness excuse and fall into the reality of poor character. To me, anyway.

My XWH did a lot of planned calculated stuff and told a great number of lies. Maybe he's mentally ill on top of his bad character, dunno. I do know that unless he thought he had to have sex with prostitutes or the voices in the wall would make the lasers in space shoot him, he didn't cheat because he was crazy.

From what I have experienced by living through my wife’s journey and my own learning, a bipolar manic episode doesn’t necessarily manifest as a temporary lapse in judgment followed by regret.

An episode can last from days to weeks or even months where their motivations and personality just go all out of alignment from their normal values. The brain chemistry actually changes. This can be really hard to accept for someone with a healthy thought process. It has been for me because it seems there were so many opportunities to say “hey, what the hell am I doing?”.

One of the things that help me understand a bit more are two things. When I first found out what she had been up to, it was so over the top for who I knew for over 25 years my first thought is something must be wrong with her mentally. It took another year and a half for that diagnosis to come and then even though I had that initial thought it turned to me to well

now this is just an excuse.

The other thing is to see who she is now that she understands what is inside her and is also on medication. I will add that awareness to me is almost as important as medication. She understands herself now more. It wasn’t just the cheating when she was in a mania. She was just off, acting so overconfident but in an odd way that just wasn’t her.

I only share this all as my experiences as someone with a spouse that has been diagnosed with bipolar. It’s not the entire answer or even an excuse but it can be part of the reasons someone acts inconsistently with who we have known them to be

I just want to add one more observation. The word impulsive has been used. I have learned the word that matches more closely to me is acting compulsively. Did they act in a compulsive manner to get a “fix”? Compulsive behaviors can be associated with addiction including sexual addiction or hypersexuality that can be part of a manic episode.

Tim that is a good point on the terminology. I do tend to relate more to DD. I mean, every week for 2 years would be more compulsive behavior. At the same time however take mental illness out of it and all the other things he did would be the same as another person that had an LTA.

It still seems to somewhat come down to what a person believes. You believe they are a good person otherwise and the mental illness led them to act out. Or, you believe they are generally selfish and this is one more way they proved it. This could depend on the WS. I cannot say that otherwise my H was an unselfish generous loving person.

Either way it is up to each BS how they choose to walk out the journey. I respect each choice. The only thing I do not agree with is when I have seen a BS sacrifice their own mental health to try to save another.

Tim, this is exactly what I am experiencing. I am so grateful you shared your story--I cannot thank you enough. I so wish there was a bipolar simulator we could try on for a bit--just to gain some semblance of understanding for what it must be like to live in a so manic episode. I have read so much about it, but it still feels too abstract and my inability to fully understand it is frustrating. To know there is someone else on here who is living this provides me so much comfort.

The advice I have received here is valuable--thank you all for sharing with me, whether you have experience with bipolar infidelity or not. Until I posted here, it felt impossible to know where I stood with everything. There were just too many variables to weigh, and I felt overwhelmed. Reading each of your perspectives is helping me figure out what it is that my gut is saying. Dee/Sisoon, your firm but thoughtful messaging is exactly what makes this place special. I wish everyone was always this honest and real with one another.

Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this pain, but so glad you're here.

Bravesoul, So glad you found some help from my story.

I myself would love to be able to connect with others who can relate to the things I struggle with.

I’m not even convinced a bipolar simulator would work though as it would only show how WE would act in a mania and like I said I think other underlying factors in each individual create the overall toxic mix.

Strength to you.

Bravesoul,

Even without mental illness in the mix there are too many variables to weigh quickly.

Gently, you're barely 2 months out. That is an awful time on the path to healing. It's just too early for you to expect anything of yourself except to hold on and meet the requirements of daily living.

You've got some very difficult choices to make, and you don't have enough data yet. Worse, you're not in good enough shape to evaluate the data that's coming in, probably coming in too quickly even to recognize all the data.

But you're a human being. You can heal from this. With effort and just a little good luck, you will heal.

*****

Tim, Thanks for sharing your insight.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:53 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]