SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, a lot of women have weighed in with fantastic input. I'm gonna straight away point to them as the primary words on it.

It's been damn near a year since the last time I had sex. It was pretty damn sparse for the ~2 years before then as well. I'm a pretty physical person; I like to touch and be touched and sex is a very important part of feeling like I have a connection with someone. Without that level of physical intimacy, I feel very, very alone.

Nevertheless, if I brought up sex or indicated my interest or got flirty or whatever, and my STBXW shot it down/declined/deflected, I took that as a sign she was not interested. The month before, your GF indicated she did not have an interest. She initiated it later, which is completely her decision, but that does not mean that now she has no call to not want period sex.

If she has cramps, or she doesn't feel well, or she is not emotionally or mentally in a place where sex is something she wants, then why would you want her to have sex with you anyways? Man, if a woman didn't want to have sex with me, I would feel so wheedling and dirty if I tried to coax her into it or if I expected her to still try.

If she felt she had to lie to me to get out of sex instead of understanding that I would accept no as no, I would wonder why she felt that way about me? What had she been through or what had I done that made her feel like she couldn't trust me to respect her no?

If she wasn't lying to you, then you have nothing to fear. If she DID lie about her cramps, then I would question why she felt she had to lie to you to get you to take no as an answer.

Add me to the list of ladies triggered by this mindset.

It doesn't matter how YOU feel about period sex. Absolutely nothing. It's how SHE (the owner of the period) feels about it that counts.

Leave her alone, don't ask for clarification and don't remind her how "ok" you are with it.

She's heard you loud and clear. Stop fishing for a Yes.

Incarnate, you are a nice sounding man. It gives me some form of hope for the future when I read words like these.

Thanks

Hi Hurting,

Personally, I'm direct/blunt. If I tried period sex once, and didn't like it, I'd be perfectly fine with telling my boyfriend it ain't happening again-- not now, not ever.

My guess is that your girlfriend didn't want to hurt your feelings by turning you down, and/or perhaps didn't want to come across as a prude (I'm sure there's 1001 possible scenarios). Instead, she got "bad cramps". Problem solved... don't have to face the real issue.

Sounds like an avoidance issue on her part (not sure I'd term it as a lying problem-- semantics?).

Anyway, sounds like she's not interested in period sex. I'd stay clear of her 5 days out of every month.

That being said, as your relationship unfolds, it may become clear that she avoids all conversations that tend to make her feel uncomfortable. Which may be a deal-breaker for someone who is looking for real emotional, raw honesty in a relationship.

Wishing you well!

Not that it matters, but I also am not a fan of sex during that time of the month. At least if my memory serves me!

And I agree that it is right to accept whatever she decides. I also understand that if she says no...you accept it...and then she initiates...that can be confusing. Like, "Should I initiate next time if she was OK with it last time?"

But, to me, I understand that you are concerned about her "lie".

I think this is less about sex and more about your need (understandable need) for complete honesty.

If I understand your situation completely, I feel it could be resolved with a conversation.

1) let her know that it doesn't bother you, if that is what she is concerned about...

and...

2) more importantly, talk with her about your sensitivity to even "white lies", and that you hope she feels safe to be completely honest with you.

I will say here that, like some others, the phrase "I don't care" can be a negative one. It can mean it doesn't bother you (a better choice of words than "I don't care" in my opinion)...but she might have heard that you want sex and you don't care if she doesn't. Are you certain she understood your meaning?

Anyway, if this is an otherwise positive relationship, I hope you can work through it openly and honestly, so it doesn't spoil the good parts of what y'all have.

Good luck!

Incarnate, why are more men not so thoughtful as you?!!?!?!?!?

What I am going to comment might hurt, because it's not at all about sex. Know that I am truly trying to share the most painful experience of my life, to help others.

Mothers often teach their daughters to be gentle when disappointing a man, because the repercussions can vary from disconcerting to dangerous. This leads to less than explicit discussions because the woman is trying to protect the man from his own emotions, for her own safety. While your SO probably was not concerned about her physical safety, it's fairly clear she was worried about rejecting you for some reason.

I am a BS and my marriage failed only in part because of the infidelity. A lot of bad things went on between us that only in separation did I become clear on.

Sex in a relationship is not on demand. She might be your girlfriend, it's her body. She wants sex with you when she actually wants you. We should all be so lucky.

Now what we don't know (and is for you to think about, I am not looking for an answer) is how do you react when other people tell you "no" to something, something you think you kinda sorta have a right to?

Relationships are hard. When the one I am in is over, I'm done. I can't take the pressure. I hope this helps.

Mothers often teach their daughters to be gentle when disappointing a man, because the repercussions can vary from disconcerting to dangerous

Interesting perspective, and I hadn't considered this. Although having read Lundy Bancroft and Gavin De Becker books, I should have. I don't even think it is so much that mothers teach this to their daughters (I actually couldn't imagine telling my daughter to "let him down gently" so he doesn't hurt you, and I know that was never taught to me) as that it is just in our make up, from birth. An instinct. A cave woman survival thing. Don't anger/enrage someone who is bigger and stronger than you and has testosterone in their veins...something like that. Keep them calm, etc.

It could also be the "be nice at all costs", don't make waves, way that many little girls are raised with.

Stuff to think about for sure.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:56 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

I think you are reading way too much into this and making it about yourself rather than her. Sounds like she's only had sex during her period once in her life and it was with you. Maybe she was aroused or maybe wanted to see what it was like since you were so open to it; only to find out she didn't like it that much. That would have nothing to do with her having cramps this month - I bet she did have cramps. They are not always consistent month-to-month.

My gut instinct stays she tried it and didn't love it. This month she felt a little more crampy and had a "heck no" going on inside her head. It doesn't seem like her reluctance is a reflection of her feelings for your nor an indictment of her honesty. Let it go.