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It finally happened! A married suitor. Oh what to do....sigh

Pages: 1 · 2

WhoTheBleep posted 4/14/2020 12:46 PM

I received a "like" on my dating app. And thanks to some kindergarten level Google sleuthing, I found him on Facebook. He is 12 years older than he is claiming to be. He is also happily married to what appears to be a lovely woman. He is currently in my neck of the woods, and she is back home in the Midwest caring for their medically compromised daughter (what a low life PIG!!!) I found all of this out inside of 60 seconds.

I have screenshotted his entire profile.

I found his wife's Facebook page and her LinkedIn. I also have an unconfirmed street address out west.

Alright expert SI peeps, what do you think is the most reliable way to contact her? I plan to send her the screenshots (undeniable proof), and I don't want them to get lost or end up in an unseen folder. I prefer to remain anonymous since even her husband doesn't know who I am, and he is local to me. I still have a fake Facebook account from post D-Day. I might even have a fake LinkedIn...

Any suggestions?

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:55 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

pinkpggy posted 4/14/2020 13:02 PM

How do you know they are "happily" married? From Facebook, where 90% of people just post happy stuff? How do you know they don't have an open marriage, or they swing, or they are looking for a 3rd party, or he has permission to seek outside relationships? It seems like you came to a lot of conclusions based on not a lot of info.

You are thinking of creating fake profiles to bring down a man that "winked" at you on a dating site. Why? What good is doing YOU to do all this?

WhoTheBleep posted 4/14/2020 13:13 PM

Thanks for your input, PP. That absolutely did cross my mind. In which case the screenshots shouldn't affect her at all if he has permission to do this, right? They might absolutely have an open marriage. I've been hit on by men like that who are very upfront about it. This man was not.

"Happily" should be in quotes. 3 days ago they exchanged lovey dovey messages on Facebook. Of course deep in their hearts they may not be happy. But they sure as hell aren't going through a divorce if they are exchanging loving messages. Just my take. And let's not forget, being unhappy in your marriage is NOT a reason to cheat.

You are thinking of creating fake profiles to bring down a man that "winked" at you on a dating site. Why

I don't have to create the profiles. I already have them thanks to my stbx who was doing exactly the same thing on dating sites.

What good is doing YOU to do all this?

Is that why we tell OBS's about the infidelity they are in? Because it benefits us? No. We tell them because it benefits the OBS.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:20 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

Lalagirl posted 4/14/2020 13:16 PM

If he is in an open M, his wife will tel Bleep, "Thanks, but I'm okay with this."

I highly doubt that is the case, however. He has a dating profile and he lied about his age. If it were an open M he likely would have clarified that in the profile.

Bleep, I would do both social media outlets to ensure she gets the message.

Lalagirl posted 4/14/2020 13:17 PM

Sorry, Bleep; we posted at the same time.

HellFire posted 4/14/2020 13:18 PM

Message his wife,and ask her if she is aware her husband is on a dating site.

If they are in an open marriage, no harm,no foul.

Pink, when you've been cheated on, a big part of the humiliation is that everyone seemed to know, except you. It's natural for a BS to want to out a cheater. And, just as we tell BS who question whether they should inform the OBS, because they don't understand what good it will do them..its the right thing to do. And, it's cathartic to do the right thing.

It's quite common for cheaters to say they are in an open marriage, while on dating sites. Just read in the jfo forum.

A married person has no reason to be on a dating site,unless they're looking to date. And if he is truly in an open marriage, then his wife won't be bothered one bit by hearing from a woman wanting to make sure she is aware that her husband is looking for another woman.

Okokok posted 4/14/2020 13:46 PM

Just chiming in to say that your follow-up here explaining your rationale to @pinkpggy is exactly correct; you're not wrong. These are the legit reasons to tell OBS (or potential OBS). Well done.

I can't even count the amount of times I've seen BS's try to rationalize not telling OBS because "they may be swingers" or "maybe they have an open marriage" or "their marriage is already on the rocks and they might be separated," etc. etc.

FYI, in my experience on the dating apps, people who are in open relationships make that fact known right in their profiles.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/14/2020 14:05 PM

Thanks everyone. I would also like to add (and many of you remember this) that my last relationship ended in February when an acquaintance of mine informed me that my SO messaged her on a dating app. SO did not know her or her connection to me. Had she not informed me, I would still be with that douchebag, madly in love and living a complete lie. After 17 years of a complete lie with my STBX.

This is my opportunity to potentially return the favor to another unsuspecting BS, something I told myself I would always do if given the opportunity. I wish someone had informed me in my marriage.

pinkpggy posted 4/14/2020 14:27 PM

I understand all the reasons. I just found your eagerness to expose a stranger interesting. Hopefully the wife will respond favorably.

northeasternarea posted 4/14/2020 14:56 PM

She may not get your message. Any message from a non friend goes to a filtered folder that I don't see unless I go look for it on the laptop or desktop.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/14/2020 16:10 PM

Any message from a non friend goes to a filtered folder that I don't see unless I go look for it on the laptop or desktop

I'm aware of this. On the Facebook app, messages from non-friends come to me as "message requests." Often they hover somewhere in cyberspace until eventually I get a notification. Sometimes it takes weeks. It's definitely glitchy. That is my concern. LinkedIn might be my better bet, but I will try both.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/14/2020 16:46 PM

I just sent the screenshots and a brief message via FB messenger. I hesitated briefly and felt somewhat sick. But I had to do it.

This is the way I informed one of STBX's OBS. It took a couple of months, but he did get the message and responded to me. I'm fairly confident it was him. That was the only reliable contact info I had for him.

Buster123 posted 4/14/2020 17:47 PM

The overwhelming majority of people ARE NOT in Open M/Swingers, so more than likely that won't be the case, and in the very rare situation that are in an Open M/Swingers then it should not be a big deal to her, people get on Websites to "duh" find potential dates, not just to "wink", that's just the first part and that was/is his intention. So fire away and send her all the proof you have.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 5:47 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

Lalagirl posted 4/14/2020 18:47 PM

I just found your eagerness to expose a stranger interesting.

EAGERNESS? Seriously, Pink? What difference does it make if they are a stranger? And I am sure Bleep is far from freaking eager to expose this douchebag - she is doing what is fucking RIGHT!

pinkpggy posted 4/14/2020 19:18 PM

I understand the idea of busting and confronting a cheating spouse is the right thing to do. And if she has absolute certainty, I could see it. But she's assuming a lot based on an online profile. The guy could be using a fake name or photo or whatever. It seems really aggressive to contact a strangers spouse when you have no real info. I don't know....I just hope all the conclusions/assumptions are correct. It also seems like a really good way to end up on a random strangers bad side. Hopefully she can block her profile from his. I know it was done "anonymously" but he will figure it out or narrow it down.

josiep posted 4/14/2020 19:30 PM

She might be more likely to see the message if you send her a friend request from the fake profile you sent the message from.

Then once you're sure she got the message, you can unfriend her again right away. Of course, unless you use that fake profile account for other reasons, you might have to close it and create another but that's a small price to pay to help a fellow BS.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/14/2020 19:49 PM

Josiep, I'm going to let the message sit for a few days and then check it. If it looks like it hasn't been read, I will send the request. Her LinkedIn does not look active.

Pinkpggy, it was a made-up name like a vanity plate. But something that would probably mean something to him and/or his wife. In his dating profile pic, his real first and last name were on his work shirt as he owns his own company. (What an idiot). When I checked his Facebook, it clearly shows him at the beach (local to me) without his wife "wishing she was there, " and he tags her. She responds all affectionate, "be there soon, I hope..."

His dating profile is now gone. It disappeared shortly after I took the screenshots, but before I told his wife. Could he narrow down that it was me? Maybe. But I don't use my real name on the dating app. And there is nothing that would identify who I am. I'll take my chances. I'm sure I will be the least of his worries when his wife confronts him.

StillLivin posted 4/14/2020 21:12 PM

to bring down a man that "winked" at you on a dating site

Based upon your logic, how could she "bring down" a man already in an open marriage?
How would she know they DON'T have an open marriage? Better to err on the side of caution. No harm no fowl if she informs wifey that her husband is on a dating site. Then the wife can decide it's a big deal or it's not a big deal. Besides, hard to put faith in a liar and dude lied about his age. Ergo, big fat liar. JMHO.

StillLivin posted 4/14/2020 21:18 PM

Pink piggy, just curious, are you the WS? Almost any BS would feel differently. I WISH some kind stranger had informed me of my X's A. I would even have welcomed the AP telling on him.

pinkpggy posted 4/14/2020 21:50 PM

My thought was that it's just a huge risk to take with not a lot of info. I'm not saying it's the wrong thing to do I'm just saying people are crazy and an accusation like this could really go awry esp when you don't know who these people are. I'm not supporting the cheater I'm just saying it's a lot of speculation and not a lot of hard proof. Just scary to get mixed up in it. My affair was blown up with lots of crazy people. Just weighing what's the risk worth for a stranger?

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