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Red flag trigger in my new relationship

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Westway posted 3/30/2020 12:41 PM

Shes said she's committed whole heartedly to us, and that between me and him it is no competition.

Tell her words are cheap, and so far she hasn't walked her talk.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/2/2020 17:49 PM


BobPar posted 4/5/2020 11:27 AM

I think we tend to pick the same type of person again unless there has been some significant IC work.

The fiancé seems to have boundary issues and potentially likes ego kibbles.

I would postpone the marriage for a bit while you figure it out.

WhatsRight posted 4/5/2020 12:02 PM

I am just a “lurker” in this forum, so I will keep my reactions to your situation to myself.

But I did just want to say that I am so very sorry that someone’s actions can not only have such a profound effect on us at the time in that relationship, but in future relationships as well.

Truly the gift that keeps on giving. 😢😢😢

Hope2B posted 4/6/2020 04:16 AM

Quick & Dirty:
I wouldn't trust her at all.
She's shown you who she is.

Hope2B posted 4/6/2020 04:17 AM

(duplicate, sorry, glitchy tablet)

[This message edited by Hope2B at 4:18 AM, April 6th (Monday)]

Buster123 posted 4/6/2020 05:06 AM

It's one of the reasons why I set such a long engagement time before our marriage date. So I could truly observe her. And make sure this is the one I truly want to spend my life with.

If I was you I would delay the wedding for at least another year, just to make sure no other red flags come up again, it would also make her see how serious this was and that you will NOT hesitate to call it off if need be should anything even remotely close to that was to happen again.

Also her answer about "no competition between you and her ex" worries me, I'm sure you didn't know there was a competition going on and that you were "winning", what if any stronger competitors come up in the future ? I would ask her about this, be careful and start paying more attention from now on, she just killed the "innocence" of the relationship by lying by omission.

Nycountrystrong posted 4/6/2020 09:59 AM

I still have almost a year and a half between now and our set wedding date. Honestly I believe she truly regrets not letting me know he reached out again at this point. Whether she regrets the fact I found out something she thought I never would, or if she regrets the interaction at all is the point of this that remains to be seen.

She has apologized to me, repeatedly, and not just when I brought the topic of her not telling me up to her. She says she's sorry for the doubts she caused in our relationship now. That she understands it cant be undone, and all she can try and do is show me everyday that she truly cares for me.

She seems to truly get that she fucked up. I'd like to think I'm at least a lot wiser from what I've been through in my life up to this point. At this point I have two choices, cut and run and tear apart what I've spent almost two years building, or to carefully move forward keeping my eyes, ears and senses wide open . For now I'm choosing option 2. What I have learned from my past is as others have stated you never fully know what someone else is capable of. All we can do is control our reaction to it.

I can say this is the one time the benefit of the doubt will be allowed in my life with her. I have spelled out in no uncertain terms that I can not, and will not be in a relationship where I live in doubt of my partners true intentions, and commitment to us... and only us. If it hadn't been for my past maybe this wouldn't seem like such a big deal to me, but it is, and will continue to be. Maybe someone who never had lived through being betrayed in their life on every level would see the situation, and actions, differently. But I know what I can take, and tolerate, and will keep that first and foremost moving forward.

Evertrying posted 4/6/2020 17:19 PM

First of all, fuck this guy. What a complete asshole. Who does that??

My thoughts exactly. What a dick.

Once she told him to buzz off he should have respected her wishes and left her alone.
When I first married my husband, an ex of mine from YEARS past contacted me as we parted as friends.
Bottom line, it bothered my new husband and out of respect for him I told my ex that while I will always remember him as a good person, he and I could no longer have any contact. He said he understood and he NEVER contacted me again.

It's called respect and your girl's Ex is a number one douchebag.

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