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I came clean

830ll posted 3/14/2020 23:55 PM

I confessed everything to my wife today. It was the hardest and scariest thing Iíve ever done, but I did it. And Iím really glad I did, because now our relationship can rebuild from a place of honesty. Iím not a liar or a secret keeper anymore.

My wife is doing okay so far. She took it amazingly well. It may be shock, and she is definitely hurting some, but we were able to really connect with each other during the disclosure conversation in a way that we havenít for a while. Iím committed to helping her to heal in any way I can, and she seems to be receptive to that. I donít know what the future will hold for us, but right now Iím so amazed by how gracious and kind my amazing wife is, and I know that Iím so lucky to have her.

Also, I sent the NC message today, and that felt so good.

Thanks again to everyone who have given me such great advice and support here.

gmc94 posted 3/15/2020 00:11 AM

I'm very glad to hear that you are now in a place of honesty with your wife.

Keep it up. Rule #1 is no more lies. ever.

It will take some time for her to process and absorb. Buckle in, the ride can be pretty darned rough... and the rage stage can be quite a doozy.

DaddyDom posted 3/15/2020 00:50 AM

((hugs)) to both of you. This is a hard journey you both have ahead of you. Be there for her. We will be here for you.

Zugzwang posted 3/15/2020 09:15 AM

So happy to hear this. Today is the first day to a better you.

HellFire posted 3/15/2020 09:42 AM

She is in shock.

I responded the same way when I was told.

She is not "hurt some." She is devastated.

Also, it's rather naive of you to think thisbis a fresh start to rebuild. After the shock wears off, and the pain, and rage, hit her full force, she may not want to rebuild. So, in the meantime, you need to be working on yourself, to become a safe partner, so that when the shock does wear off, she may see someone she wants to rebuild with,and not just the man who caused her enormous damage.

ibonnie posted 3/15/2020 10:07 AM

When WH first admitted it, I actually fely a ton of relief. I wasn't crazy! I wasn't imagining things! All my suspicions were true, and AP wasn't "just a friend."

The relief didn't last long though. I spent the day in an awful daze (he told me Thanskgiving morning right before a 2+ hour drive w/ our kids in the backseat to my family's house) and then tried to kick him out the next day when I realized he was still in contact with AP and wanted to "end things gently."

Stay NC. Tell your wife if your AP tries to contact you. Tell your wife if you slip up. 100% honesty and transparency is the only way to move forward. Good luck.

LifeDestroyer posted 3/15/2020 10:19 AM

Please don't walk around your house acting like everything is fine and that she is fine. She is not and neither is anything else in her world. Be there for her. Tell her that you are right there when she wants to talk or scream or cry or question. Check in on her. Ask her how she is feeling. Ask her what she needs you to do.

She is in shock right now. You just blew up her world. She is trying to figure out if she still has a pulse and then is trying to see if she can still feel her limbs. Also, she is not hurting "some," she is hurting with every fiber in her body.

We are waywards, we excel in being naive. Please, stop that now.

Chaos posted 3/15/2020 16:59 PM

Good for you. I mean that with all sincerity. I'm glad you went through with it. Keep it up - because she will have questions. Answering truthfully [the truth - the whole truth and nothing but the truth] honestly and calmly are key here. She will ask the same questions thousands of times. Keep your cool and answer truthfully again and again and again.

I understand a great burden has been lifted from your shoulders. I want you to understand it landed directly on her heart. Be gentle with it.

Like others said, she is in shock. Use this time to be proactive. Read from the Healing Library. Read the references recommended there. Don't make the same mistakes many have made before you - and are warning you about on SI.

Check with whatever insurance you may have to see if an EAP program is offered. Utilize it and whatever resources you have available to you.

And yes, buckle up. And I mean with G force restraints. Keep posting. You have a bunch of us WS and BS alike to help you [and her if she wants/needs] along the way.

Carissima posted 3/15/2020 18:27 PM

I'm glad I was wrong and you stepped up to the mark. I just hope you're truly prepared to continue to put in the hard work.
Your wife's probably in shock right now, be prepared for her emotions to be all over the place as she tries to process everything she's just found out.

redwing6 posted 3/15/2020 21:44 PM

I posted this on your other thread:

Oh, and if she does come here, don' ever peak on her thread without permission. The BS side is very different from this side. She'll be posting things that you really don't have any business reading.

tushnurse posted 3/16/2020 07:45 AM

Keep it up. Rule #1 is no more lies. ever.

Please please please remember this. Not being truthful does more damage than "protecting her from the pain". Often it's not the A that kills the Marriage or any chance of R, but the half truths, lies, and minimizations of what A. Be brutally honest. She deserves that.

Support her. Love her. Be kind to her, and remember you have had quite a bit of time to get used to what you were doing/did. This is all brand new, and confusing for her, and this trauma won't just go away. It will take years to heal.

LoveTKO posted 3/16/2020 09:41 AM

Often it's not the A that kills the Marriage or any chance of R, but the half truths, lies, and minimizations of what A. Be brutally honest. She deserves that.

Yes, tushnurse nailed it. It wasnt' the A that ended my 30 year marriage it was STBXWH's inability to face what he did honestly and do the work to heal our marriage.

What you did is courageous but it's only the beginning of a long road. I wish you both well..

BraveSirRobin posted 3/16/2020 10:35 AM

You have no idea how important it will be, over the course of your life, that you took this step honestly and voluntarily. While it would have been better to come clean before you married, you still gave her the agency to make decisions now without being trapped by financial or co-parenting entanglements.

It's good that you recognized that an emotional affair is still cheating and that you were honest about every detail of your interactions. That last one is so important. Remember that nauseous, suicidal feeling? You don't want that to start growing again, so if there's anything you're holding back, get it out now. No exceptions. Trickle truth would mean that your wife's struggles after D-Day, which she thinks are the whole battle, are just Round 1, and she'll have to do it all again from scratch. By sparing her that, you're ahead of the vast majority of waywards we meet or hear about on this site.

The cautions you're receiving here about not thinking "Whew, that's over" are smart and important to heed. Among other things, it's very unusual that you and AP never went physical over that length of time, and if your BS comes here, that story will be met with (to put it mildly) skepticism. Your wife will have difficulty trusting you, even when you're telling the absolute truth, because she thought she knew you well enough to tell if you were hiding things, and now she knows she didn't. So be prepared for the possibility of suspicion and false allegations, and take them gracefully.

Getting this news during a pandemic is especially unpredictable. This is an experience that's new to all of us. Anxiety may draw you together or push you apart, depending on your specific circumstances. Be ready for her attitude to shift a lot, and work especially hard to keep yours on an even keel. You had time to prepare yourself for the fallout, and she did not.

Best of luck to you, 83. I'm glad you did the right thing.

toughtotrust posted 3/16/2020 15:20 PM

Glad to see that you pulled off the band-aid. I think it was excruciatingly painful to some of us to see you take so long. How this this goes is out of your control, as long as you do your part. And it seems that you have the right mindset.

I wish you the best.

thatbpguy posted 3/16/2020 17:23 PM

Kudos to you. This is the beginning of a long process but will lead to a better place.

Just be there for her, as she needs you. If she pushes you away, then be patient for when she needs you again. Be open and transparent.

I wish you well. The both of you.

Feelinglikethat posted 3/17/2020 06:58 AM

Iím glad you followed through. Thats the first step to becoming a better you.

The next months and how you react will really set the tone for the possibility of R. Eventually the truth will settle with her and she will be upset after the numb phase wears off. Be prepared to hear hurtful things. Be prepared to be met with anger. From experience, I did a really shit job in this phase and it is detrimental. Accept the things she says. Be patient and calm. Donít get defensive...itíll only do harm. Accept all the blame for your actions. And please, dont focus on the negatives in the marriage that you maybe use to justify any unhappiness you felt.

Now is the time to focus on being empathetic and to have some grace. Be honest with her and answer all her questions. Ask her if she has questions. Let her know you are open. Look into yourself and dig to find your Ďwhysí. Find what is lacking WITHIN yourself (not within the marriage) and work on you.

You did a great thing by coming clean. Keep going. This forum is a saving grace. Come here any time to vent or to ask questions. The members here have been in your shoes, we are in your shoes! The advice is priceless. Dont give up.

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