SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey gang.

How do you pull yourself out of the pit? Everything is going well ...but it’s not.

My brain still struggles. The sadness keeps coming back. Granted I had other stuff happen during the aftermath of infidelity (House burned down, lost my job, death of dad, uncle and young pet all unexpectedly) but I truly hoped I’d be more stable by now. I can go a while— and then I lose it again. Tears for hours, hopeless feeling. I’m in IC (left for a bit but when my cat died i went back). I bought a house, I got a new job, I’m starting graduate school. I’m doing all the things. But the pit still threatens to swallow me too often.

What works for anyone else who struggles like this? How do you function with the grief hanging around for so long?

((BB))

I'm so sorry. You've been through so much in such a short period of time. Falling back into that pit is to be expected. Allow yourself to go there once in awhile. Have a day where you just lay in bed eat bad food and watch Netflix. Then on the next sunny day pull yourself out of there and go to a friend's house. Surround yourself with people who love you. Sometimes just talking about it and hearing the words out loud with someone who cares is enough. (I did this today, after being in bed most of yesterday. It has helped immensely).

Don't forget, healing is not linear. You're going to have these moments. Feel it. It's OK. Sending huge hugs to you dear lady.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 4:31 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

I'm sorry you're struggling. It really sucks when we thought we'd be in a better place mentally, but we just aren't there. Especially when you're doing all the things and checking off all those boxes you're supposed to, to be healed.

You've had a lot of changes, good and really bad, happen. Don't forget that even new things bring stress. Besides the IC, are you doing anything to help manage that stress?

For me, I hit a point where I finally admitted to myself I needed to go on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds. It was years after d-day and my divorce. But a lot of other "life stuff" had happened in those years, and the stress just kept building up, on top of the trauma and stress that brought me to SI.

At the time, the meds were just what I needed. I didn't stay on them long-term, just under a year if I remember correctly. But it definitely helped get me out of the pit and back to feeling like I could manage my life again. Now I do meditation daily, I take time for self-care (which includes what I eat and taking vitamins) and I recently got a weighted blanket to see if that improved my sleep (it did! )

But honestly, some days are just more stressful than others, and some song on the radio will make me cry on the drive home from work. I've learned to just let it happen, since it seems to help me feel better.

Hey there Bearly - so sorry to hear things are a bit heavy right now. So just a few things:

1. The pit. Is the pit the emotions or is the pit the hopeless feeling thing? Can I ask what you mean by "hopeless?" Is it tied into your future or feelings about your Ex or having another relationship...or?

2. Are you frustrated in your head that you *should* be _______ by now (stable, less emotional, further along - what is your should)?

3. Maybe try and give yourself a little leeway if you think about how much you've had to reorient in your life. That while your new beginnings are pretty amazing, many of those life resets have been pretty damn shocky and sudden. (Job, house, relationship). Then add in completely shitty and just outright difficult grieving for lives lost...well damn. Any one of those things would have put me right back on my heels.

4. I am way past my mess all these years later and you know what, I still have times where I just need to as you say: "lose it again." And everything gets thrown in that basket of emotions - all the shit that life does to kick us around - infidelity included.

What I do these days (that I never seemed to allow myself to in years past) was to give myself permission to kick my trash can around or take a mental health day or just feel shitty and puny. And then I sometimes take it to IC who I still see every so often for maintenance and kick it around and see what what.

You have such kindness for so many people on this site - give yourself the same. The evil time. The realization that none of this stuff is linear. And that you are doing such a good job at making a new life for Bearly.

and I recently got a weighted blanket to see if that improved my sleep (it did! )

^^^This!! Me too! I bought one a few weeks ago. I can't describe the feeling of comfort lying under it. In fact I'm lying under it right now! It felt weird at first, but I definitely feel secure like I'm being hugged. Both while relaxing in bed and sleeping. In fact it makes me sleepy. Try it.

Is your weighted blanket like a normal blanket size for your bed, or more of a personal size (like a throw blanket)?

I've been considering getting one myself.

((BearlyBreathing))

The pit of despair is in the pit of my stomach often these days. It isn't just all about the infidelity like you mention...but wow, that is a lot to heal from. Don't beat yourself up on where you think you should be right now.

I go back and forth struggling and getting better. It's been traumatic and it's okay to feel this way. I can't count how often I took a mental health leave to save my sanity.

What works for me is talking to very close friends and you guys here in SI, who I know will pull me out of the pit when I need it. I also oftentimes just sleep my way through the sadness. You will find what works, even if it doesn't seem like anything would.

Is your weighted blanket like a normal blanket size for your bed, or more of a personal size (like a throw blanket)?

SS, mine is a personal size. I'm 5 7 and it covers me from shoulders to feet. They do make longer ones for taller people.

Oh yeah Ive seen they come in a variety of sizes like regular blankets. I'm just wondering if it's worth the money to get one in a normal size to cover the bed. I'm 6 ft on the nose, so my feet often get the shaft with my sherpa throw blankets

What works for me is talking to very close friends and you guys here in SI, who I know will pull me out of the pit when I need it. I also oftentimes just sleep my way through the sadness. You will find what works, even if it doesn't seem like anything would.

I feel the same hopeful. I might be on these forums a bit too much perhaps. Recently when SI was down for much of a day, I actually felt cut off and alone.

Edit: I should say while it is nice to talk to friends, I don't always want to talk about infidelity or the relationship with them. On here every one of us wants to share our stories and our experiences, either to get advice or just find people to relate to. Not all our friends are in that position so it isn't always a two-way conversation.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:58 AM, February 24th (Monday)]

A friends in real life experienced a similar thing I did with also a child in the mix. So she knows my struggles but I sometimes worry I'm triggering her. I guess that's what's so nice having SI. People voluntary visit whenever they want to to give and ask support. I know my friend will open her arms for as much as I need it, but I want her to also move on cause it's not like she can filter when I speak.

Reminds me of that Black Mirror ep which can filter. If White Christmas ever becomes real, I'd line up to get the Z Eye for its blocking feature. Makes NC a whole lot easier.

Reminds me of that Black Mirror ep which can filter. If White Christmas ever becomes real, I'd line up to get the Z Eye for its blocking feature. Makes NC a whole lot easier.

I never seen the show. I think I understand, but I'm not sure

I never seen the show.

How can you not you work in IT! seriously though if you ever watch, be careful with some. Triggers.

Thanks all! I’ll look in to the blanket... even though it was 70 degrees today :-)

Chili - the pit is that dark place where I don’t see that I’ll get away from all the crap. Every time I felt like i was pulling out, one more loved one died, or insurance f*cked me over, or whatever. My brain does NOT work anywhere close to 100% yet. And I can’t get my emotions under control.

I’m okay crying. But the uncontrollable for crying where I just don’t see the light... ugh. But yeah, I feel like it’s “well parents die, that happens. Pets die. That happens too. And lots of people here lost their homes, it wasn’t just me. And sure, my XWH cheated but it’s been a few years now and I should be further along.”

I do not want my ex. At all. That detachment is complete. I’m still ambivalent on any relationship- obviously I’m not stable yet, so that’s probably a good thing.

Anti-anxiety drugs may be the answer.

Thank you all- I will try to accept the feelings and just let them be, let them happen.

Appreciate everyone’s support. ❤️

Is your weighted blanket like a normal blanket size for your bed, or more of a personal size (like a throw blanket)?

I sleep in a queen bed with my SO, but I got a twin size blanket. It fits snug around me, and I'm still surprised at how much it's been helping.

BB, I live in FL, and it's hot all the time. Since I've gotten my blanket, I crank down my AC further at night. It makes all the difference. There are nights I don't think I move. It feels like I blink and it's morning. Not every night, unfortunately, but sometimes. It's still a conscious effort to keep my anxiety in check during waking hours. I've gotten good at feeling my panic attacks coming on, and I'm able to think myself out of it. Avoiding alcohol is hugely helpful. The feeling of being buzzed (aka out of control) tends to trigger the panic, and it's just not worth it. So overall, I'm probably healthier thanks to the anxiety.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:51 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

Well you people sold me. It would be nice to feel that embrace once again. The closest I have these days is sometimes my cat likes to hold onto my arm, and she squeezes it to pull me back when I try to break out.

I never seen the show.

How can you not you work in IT! seriously though if you ever watch, be careful with some. Triggers.

Eh I'm not surprised. I may work in tech, but sometimes it's nice to disconnect and be like Confused Bing Crosby. Today a meme was born

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:26 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

SS, best meme ever!! I cracked up! Well done

@Shattered, get your point. But it's sooo interesting though. Modern day Twilight Zone.

So overall, I'm probably healthier thanks to the anxiety

.

Lol, you and me both. Roll with it

I'm so sorry. You've been through multiple traumas and it is completely normal to experience profound amounts of grief after losing so so much.

There isn't a timeline for healing and it's ok to not be ok. You've done so much to help move yourself forward. And if you have really low days, have them and allow them.

I'm thinking of you.

It would be nice to feel that embrace once again. The closest I have these days is sometimes my cat likes to hold onto my arm, and she squeezes it to pull me back when I try to break out.

Seriously this is the only physical touch and attention that I get at the moment from my pets. I like them better anyways.

(((BearlyBreathing))) I don't like the Pit of Despair. I find myself in it weekly

Lot's a great points and suggestions on this thread!