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I am experiencing some sorrow about the fact that I need to move from the marital home next year when DD graduates. It's been my own only home for the past 24 years and it has been a lifestyle more than anything. We live on a 50 acre horse farm. It was a beautiful life. I feel haunted by the fact I have to let it go and figure out the next chapter. The farm belongs to my ex and his brothers now. My father in law died last summer and things have fallen apart since -- buildings and the barn are falling into disrepair. Oh... but the memories that grab me by the throat. I had beautiful dogs always at my heels-- they are all dead now from old age and are buried here. DD used to run all over the farm like a pixie in nothing but a cowboy boots. We had dances and parties. Now it's a ghostown. The irony is this is what AP fell in love with when I invited her here. She was captivated by the fact that it was a place people always wanted to visit, but it's slipping away now because WXH lives with her in her dumpy townhome now 50 miles away and he refuses to maintain the property.

AP has chronic health issues that likely make it impossible for her to live here after I go. Plus she and WXH were in a terrible car accident and still recovering physically and financially. I have been trying to keep things together on my own-- figuring out how to fix things and solve problems -- like leaky roofs or broken fence posts. It's too much. I work full time at my job and come home to problems. All my horses remain but it's become a dangerous situation to keep them in fields where the fences have fallen down and they can run to the road... so I have reluctantly decided to move them off site to other barns so they are safe and cared for. Nothing lasts forever but the grief about leaving it behind is overwhelming sometimes. I thought I would die here. It's a year off but sometimes I just walk around and cry because I feel like my heart will be ripped out when I drive out of here for the last time.

It sounds like it was a magical place. Another evil thing infidelity does to our lives.

I'm very sentimental about my parent's home and property that I grew up on - it's getting on about 28 years now. I'm surprised they wouldn't want to keep it in the family (maybe the brothers).

Fablegirl, you write beautifully. I can see with my own eyes everything you described, including your grief.

I'm so sorry. (((Fablegirl)))

It sounds heavenly. And it’s a shame it is falling in to disrepair. There’s a metaphor there for sure...

I lost my country house on 3 acres on a little mountain with 270 degree views. Now i live in a tract home. And I do miss my old property but this is home for me too. It hurt, but I do kinda like less maintenance and a smaller house. ANd I LOVE that it has only truth and honestly and real-ness inside these walls.

It’s gonna hurt, but it’s also going to be okay. (((Hugs)))

I understand. I had to sell the home where we raised our boys. I didn't have the money or the skill to keep it up. Plus I just needed to get away from the pain I had experienced in that house during the last year I lived there. You know those door jams where people record their children's growth? We had done it on the concrete wall of our garage (bi-level) so I couldn't take it with me. I took a photograph, but it still chokes me up when I look at it. It is the death of the dream we had about the future.

I became a bit of a vagabond when I moved, living in 3 different rentals before I bought a small house, then moving in with SO, selling that home and buying one together. But I know as I get older that we won't be able to keep up this house and I will probably end my independent living days renting. I try to put a positive spin on that - I won't be tied down and will be able to afford some travel and visiting with out-of-state relatives with no worry of upkeep. My dreams of the future keep shifting and I'm trying to enjoy the NOW.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Oh fablegirl 🤗 I’m so sorry that you have to go through these thoughts and feelings ahead of a massive change next year. It’s so hard, I made the decision to leave the family home because I couldn’t deal with the constant memories there. But my DD is still a little girl and we only lived there for a fraction of the time you have, but still found it very hard. We made the house ours and undertook a compete renovation. It was a beautiful home that people loved to visit also. I was lucky to stay with my parents and slowly detach from the house. When I see it now it doesn’t have the same feel or meaning to me. My DD asks about it on occasions but I think this will get less and less over time. A year is a long time for things to change, try not to ruin your time there that you may have left. It would be good to keep it in the family, as it sounds an amazing place but that may be worse for you. That they are enjoying it and you can see this. Whereas a new family entering that could enjoy just as much as you did.

My heart is heavy for you because I felt it too. Stay positive. Sending hugs

NB x

I'm sorry Fablegirl. Nothing that comes with this shit is ever easy.

You will find a new home worthy of all the love you poured into your current abode.

Right before Dday, we had retired. We got rid of all the old furniture and built a new home. We had just spent over $20G on furniture and fixings, and about $10G on landscaping. It was supposed to be our dream retirement home. I had spent about 2 years pouring over home magazines and making our dream home scrapbook/suggestion book.

I loved our beautiful new home. We were going to make so many beautiful family memories. The grandkids were going to swim in the pool and we would all watch outdoor poolside movies.

And then Dday happened. I was crushed. We had a huge mortgage with no equity.

I've never lived in any one place for more than 3 years (military life). I so looked forward to finally having a real home where I could stay and never have to love again.

Are you getting the picture? Please believe me when I tell you that one day you will be glad for less headaches and glad you left the old home. It will hurt, and you SHOULD grieve. But, then, put it behind you and move forward. I could not believe how excited I got once I downsized and got to decorate everything exactly the way I wanted without having to compromise for anyone else's taste. Learning a new city was kind of nice too. Having a place that was all mine made me feel safe for the first time in years. Now, I cannot even imagine letting someone else live with me or taking care of a giant headache of a huge home and all the yardwork that come with it. You will be so relieved to not have so much to constantly be fixing.

Have a good cry or two, and then dry your eyes and start planning for the move.

Fablegirl, I empathize. I seem to remember posting something to you back in 2017-18 because you are a horse woman and live on a farm and I live on a farm and used to own horses. I just wanted to say that what StillLivin wrote made me perk up, too. We don't need to be slaves to the dream that is too big for any one person. Doesn't mean we don't grieve what could have been.

But she is so right about getting a fresh start, away from the endless burden of a large place - and the maintenance! Oh my gosh, do I relate! Boards just keep falling off the barn siding around here, as 100 year old nails don't hold wood, and the wind actually eats the boards and they crack, too. I cannot find anybody who wants to come out and do tree pruning and fence clearing, at any wage! I have even asked the county agricultural extension agent where I can find part time farm help every spring (like, right now!) and he said "There really aren't any people who want to work part time, who can do that kind of physical work, in this county! The labor laws prohibit you from hiring a teen younger than 15 and giving them any kind of implements to use, not even pruning shears or riding mowers." Wow. So it isn't just us.

[This message edited by Superesse at 11:33 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Fablegirl, my heart is with you. I am only recently separated but left the Finally Forever house that we had only been in for three years after moving around for the past 30. I adored that house and it was perfect. Beautiful views, but not too big to keep up. But I knew I would not be able to afford to keep it at the divorce and I found an adorable apartment in a duplex within walking distance of my job. So I took the leap and moved a couple of months ago. The apartment is lovely, and it was such a delight to make it my own as others have said. But still and all, when I see the sun setting and can just barely see the colors in the sky I get all teary thinking about the view from the deck at the other place - where he still is. And he never liked it as much as I did, but he makes more money than I do and could afford to buy me out if he wanted. It's just plain hard and hurts. And, I'm going to be okay.