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Finally it's over but still somewhat still hurting

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somejaykid posted 1/3/2020 07:06 AM

alright guys need some positive vibes here, I don't really post here just lurk around reading people sad situations. if you dig deeper I made a thread in 2018 about my spouse cheating on me. now in those 2 years we try working out our marriage but with my constant triggers she couldn't handle it she separated with me in early 2019 a month in the separation I found out she's been talking to a new guy. I told her before she separated that to promise me to not hook up with anybody but well you know the rest. I filed for divorce that weekend. December 17, 2019 was my official divorce with her. she left a good man and two beautiful children. now in my situation I'm raising two of my kids alone she only see's the kids every other weekend well technically my youngest one is only 1 year old so she see's her every other week until she starts school then it goes back to every other weekend, my 5 year old son is in kindergarted so she only see's him every other weekend. for the most part I'm doing fine keeping myself busy with work and the kids but sometimes I have this thoughts coming back and I feel sad and angry about how she can just walk out of her family. sometimes I think em I that of a bad person to deserve this?. I don't know I'm just venting away here, I hope sooner than later this feelings would go away

hopefullife posted 1/3/2020 07:45 AM

Sending you support. We all know the feeling of going back and forth blaming ourselves or accepting it had nothing to do with us. I'm glad your divorce is finally done, this way you can really move forward with no more strings holding you back. A marriage just ended officially, and it's normal to feel down. What we can really hold on to is that time will get us there. Slow or fast, but eventually. Focus on you and your two lovely kids. Your new life has started and it will be a great one.

somejaykid posted 1/3/2020 08:11 AM

thank you hopefullife for the enlightenment, like I said before for the most part I'm getting used of being alone again for first time in the long time. my family and close friends would always tell me that she's the one that will regret what she did to her family sooner than later not today not tomorrow but eventually she will realize that she is the one that walk out of a good family, she will miss the kids milestone. oh before I forget after all this situation she not once ever went to my son first day of school or teacher/parent conference I would email/text her upcoming events with the kids and her respond is either "thank you" or "ok" she stop bringing the kids to dr. visit it's either me or my mom who does that now.

Superesse posted 1/3/2020 10:00 AM

So sorry, her decision is very hard to understand, almost unnaturally cold.

On the other hand, your love for your babies shines through your post - I cannot even imagine having such a good daddy. Some woman some day will absolutely cherish you for your heart. Believe!

somejaykid posted 1/3/2020 10:48 AM

thank you for the kind words Superesse that actually made me smile, I still stumble here and there raising my kids but I still somehow stand up after it, it's still a learning process for me like sometimes I forget about my son homework but I try my hardest to raise my kids right. is it normal for the WW spouse to act like how my spouse is acting? like she got a new set of life again and totally forgets about his/her family?

Marz posted 1/3/2020 16:58 PM

You need to let clarity sink in.

No mother does this.

Hence, you didn't lose much.

betrayed 35 posted 1/4/2020 04:05 AM

You sound like an amazing father. One that the kids can look up to.

No this is not normal behavior for a mother or any parent. One day she will wake up and see what she has done. Or she may not. That you can't control. You can't make someone be a parent.

Just be the best role model for your kids. You will meet someone who truly appreciates the wonderful person you are.

somejaykid posted 1/6/2020 05:44 AM

Update: the x called me yesterday stating that she's coming over to pick her stuff up, like the TV and other small miscellaneous items so I prepared the items and moved it to the garage. When she got there I helped her moved it to her car, my buddy was telling me to just open the garage and let her do all the work while I sit in the couch. I kinda laugh about it but I actually help her moved the tv because I know she cannot carry it herself and the other small items, not going to lie my anxiety is off the roof while she was there i thought i could handle my emotions now but no. I was very civil with her but deep inside I'm still hurting the way she ended our marriage, the family dynamics cuts me deep still . She told me before she left she's coming back for more of her stuff because it will not fit in her car well that's just great I'm trying to not interact with her as much as I can but I'm still stuck here feeling like shit. Yeah so I'm just venting here

homewrecked2011 posted 1/6/2020 06:03 AM

10 years out and I still canít be around xh, he totally upsets my calmness.

Get right back on the no contact bus, bc no contact equals no new hurts, we just have the old hurts to process.

My xh also walked out on us. Itís truly unbelievable that someone can do this. I think itís a mental disorder.

However, these people seems to cycle around. It is in your best interest to get a notebook and write down weekly if/when your xw gets the kids. Keep this a secret in case she ever tries to take you to court for anything. The notes you jot down will help your memory, and will help your atty help you.

I gave my kids 100%, gave them a calm home in which to grow up, and they have thrived. You can do the same. I just pretended xh died and itís all up to me.

My kids know that a stable parent will never leave them, and they see their Dad for who he is, now that they are grown.

Keep moving forward, your kids will be great parents one day bc of you.

somejaykid posted 1/6/2020 06:52 AM

^^^weird that I feel the same way with my x, my wife died 2 years ago and this woman that's in front of me is just a total stranger now

squid posted 1/6/2020 08:00 AM

my wife died 2 years ago and this woman that's in front of me is just a total stranger now

My divorce was final in December of 2018. Like you, my XWW left the house and the kids to be in her own place and "discover herself". My youngest son (14) stays at her place one night every other weekend. I have another adult son living at home and an adult daughter away at school. XWW might take the boys for lunch on her day off. But she doesn't spend regular time with them. At least not in a meaningful way.

(short t/j)
Her days off are Friday and Saturday so I know there are times when she picks up the kids for her lunch dates she might come into the house to help gather stuff for son's sleepover. A few weeks ago she texted me that she needed to talk to DS14 and that she'd be up in his room for a short while. I was actually on my home at the time and pulled into our neighborhood to see her car still parked in the driveway. I had to drive around for a few moments until she left. Turns out she was talking to DS14 about his grades and stuff. Parenting, I guess. The first time since she moved out.

So I'm basically raising our kids alone too. My wife essentially disappeared back in 2017. The person I see now is just a stranger that my kids know as mom. Such a mindfuck.

You've definitely been heard.

hopefullife posted 1/6/2020 08:32 AM

I just pretended xh died and itís all up to me.

Thank you, somehow I think this will help me. My counselor once told me infidelity is like death so I have to grieve and all. I took it back then as really I had to grieve. What you said gave it a new meaning. My once good husband died already. I can no longer get him back. This new person with the same name and same look is a total stranger and not the person I married.

betrayed 35 posted 1/7/2020 02:32 AM

my wife died 2 years ago and this woman that's in front of me is just a total stranger now

This is just how we have to deal with it. My WH did the famous just not showing up tonight. Guess me and the kids are on our own...

Truly we are better off with them not around. They are not role models!

somejaykid posted 1/7/2020 03:32 AM

This always bother me that our x spouses can just let go of what we build to be a family and you are just going to throw away so easily. They are so selfish they think that it's greener on the other side of the fence. They have a new relationship and in the honey moon stage and we are left in the dark taking care of our family by our selves and that burns me bad

Marz posted 1/11/2020 21:26 PM

Any contact will emotionally put you in a bad place.

She doesnít care.

Look up grey rock and parallel parenting

Itís your only good path out of this

No contact only works if you fully apply it

somejaykid posted 1/16/2020 07:51 AM

sorry for the late response, it's hard to do no contact with kids involved . everytime I see her text or phone call I have anxiety attack and it SUCKS. I wish me and my kids can just live peacefully she can have her shitty new life just leave us alone that's all I'm asking

EvenKeel posted 1/16/2020 10:10 AM

I hope sooner than later this feelings would go away
You are so newly divorced. Give it time. Time to grieve the future you THOUGHT you had, time to grieve the death of the M, etc.

I promise you that it will not always feel like this. YES - you will have sadness over the mother she is not being for your children but you will adapt to a new norm.

Just concentrate on those babies right now. Building your new traditions and new life together.

It sounds like your ex realizes she can not be what she needs to be for them and luckily you have them safe with you.

I actually dated three guys after my D whose ex's just walked away from their kids and households....so you are not as alone as it feels right now.

You hang in there somejay. THIS was only one chapter of your life - you have many more to come. Good ones!!! Your best is yet to come. I believe that!

Edited to add:

it's hard to do no contact with kids involved
You can minimize this! Set up a shared calendar and put all activities, appointments, functions, schedules on there for your children. It is up to her to check it and show IF she wants. No need to put yourself in the position of texting her and getting that "oh thanks" reply.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 10:13 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]

MamaDragon posted 1/17/2020 12:44 PM

pack up the rest of her stuff, put it in the garage & have a friend come over to stay in the house while she loads up...while you go spend the day with your kid somewhere fun.

That way you have someone watching the house & she can't say she didn't have access to her stuff.

Honestly getting rid of all her stuff will help you with detaching from her. It did me!

somejaykid posted 1/24/2020 11:12 AM

UPDATE: I don't think I ever mention here that me and the x works at the same healthcare facility but works different department. today one of the associate I know ask me indirectly/directly if me and her are still together or divorce, that caught me off guard and shaken from the inside I told him that I don't want to talk about it and he said sorry and I just walk away. my anxiety is off the roof right now. my department knows everything to what happened to my family. some people outside my department somewhat knows already to what's going on but don't have the heart to ask me directly which is fine by me, I just feel like shit everytime someone mention how are the family is doing I don't have the courage to tell them that she step out of our family .

ps her boyfriend would show up and meet her in our work sometimes and some of people would tell me about it and they say they feel uncomfortable seeing them together. one drunken night I called and blow up on her face telling her it's so shitty of you bringing your boyfriend around in our work have some decency to at least tell him to wait outside of our work to meet up. god please give me strength to overcome this obstacle like I said before I just want to move forward with my life with my babies and please leave us alone, you've done enough damage to me that I'm struggling to pick myself up and fix myself by myself as is, I don't need people talking about how my family is crumbling because of the choices you made. I didn't chose this you did this us because you are such a selfish person sorry for the long rant I need to vent and this place is the only place I can do that

devotedman posted 1/24/2020 14:45 PM

Good on you for venting when you need to, we understand, we did it ourselves.

Good luck to you, brother.

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