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I feel defeated and broken beyond repair

Tripletrouble posted 12/15/2019 02:27 AM

I posted recently about the loss of my beloved son. It feels too big to come back from. I had a terrible FOO, but was determined to do better and be better. Married an NPD ass (20 years), who finally made it black and white to leave by joining AFF, but again I was determined to come out on the other side as not just a survivor but a thriver. But losing my son has taken the sauce out of me. There is no fight left. I feel this time that life has knocked me down and I have no desire to heal or rebuild. I'm back in therapy but feel it is pointless. There is nothing to fix. I have a daughter who needs me and a husband who loves me, but I feel like a shell of who I was. It's not that I'm looking for advice or sympathy, I just needed to get it out.

BearlyBreathing posted 12/15/2019 03:06 AM

((((Triple)))) you have had a really rough time. No wonder you are worn out. For just a while, accept just existing. Get through the days. Set no expectations, no lofty goals. Just. Keep. Going. As time starts to ever so slightly soften the edges, then re-evaluate. You have had so many wounds, you need to give your body and mind time to heal.

You will get through this. But it will take longer than you want. You are strong and beautiful and amazing. Accept that today you are also injured. But my dear you can get through this. One step at a time. Grief will take time. Give it the time it needs. Sending more light to you...

BraveSirRobin posted 12/15/2019 06:30 AM

Hang on to your husband and daughter. Just hang on. You can't be a lifeguard when you are so close to drowning yourself.

With the tiny bit of functional energy you have available, try to figure out a way to accept help from friends and family who offer. Whether it's doing cooking/cleaning/shopping for you so you can lie sobbing privately in bed, or taking you somewhere that has no holiday festivity so you can put a toe back in the world without feeling expectations from your environment. One of our local churches has a "Blue Christmas" service for people who need to be with others who are facing the season with nothing to celebrate. It might help to be around others who are just struggling to keep their noses above water.

And come here. Of all places, this is somewhere that understands the kind of grief that wells up so continuously that it has to be expelled over and over and over.

I'm thinking of you and your beautiful son.

minusone posted 12/15/2019 06:53 AM

((((TT)))). This will be the hardest journey of your life. So you do what you have to do....survive the moment, survive the hour, survive the day. Cry the tears, storm the heavens, lean on your husband, help your daughter, seek grief counseling, join bereavement groups. Itís not going to be easy, you know that but you will find that it is not pointless to try to survive.

You are loved, you are needed, you are a fighter.

(((TT))) you and your family will be in my prayers.

ZenMumWalking posted 12/15/2019 09:18 AM

((((Triple))))

You know I'm here for you. You have a lot of valid reasons to be suffering now. If therapy isn't right for you now that's ok. You will be grieving the loss of your son for a long time. That's normal, that part of caring for him.

As you already know, I suffered from a long depression. To get me through some of the darkest times, I wrote some notes on reminder cards. Like 'don't hurt the boys' (by harming myself), or 'it's ok if you don't see any light right now', etc. Maybe something like that can help a little.

I hope that you are taking good care of yourself - drink water, eat some healthy food when you can, go out walking or do some other exercise when you can. Keep posting here because there are a lot of people who care about you, please let yourself lean on us (as well as anyone irl that 'gets it').

Sending you out lots of love and strength ((((Triple)))), and positive, healing thoughts.

Phoenix1 posted 12/15/2019 10:12 AM

Oh Triple,

I'm so sorry you are even dealing with this. Sadly, you know I truly understand what you are feeling, and you will ride the grief wave for a while. It is truly just that, a wave you can't stop. The grief at this point is going to be that unstoppable wave.

However, over time (and lots of it), the wave will become a rollercoaster. That unrelenting grief will turn into moments of extreme highs and lows. It won't be as intense as it is now. Slowly, ever so slowly, those highs and lows will start to level off and it will become trigger moments.

I still have those trigger moments, and suspect they will never go away. But they are certainly fewer and farther between.

The key, in my estimation? Find a coping strategy that works for you. Something that allows you to focus on something else. Exercise/physical activity is a great one. It is hard to be motivated to do it when you are feeling such despair, but if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your DD and husband.

I also found myself thinking, "What would DS want me to do?" That gave me strength at times when I wanted to give up because I pictured him talking to me, not wanting me to give up.

What would your sweet DS want you to do?

Trite as this is, hang in there. It takes a long time, but it does get better.

((Triple))

k8la posted 12/15/2019 17:28 PM

Triple - my heart goes out to you.

There are alternatives to therapy; service in some way that would be meaningful to your son, and create a different connection to his life for you might be one of those alternatives.

Many years ago, a close family lost a daughter tragically in a farm accident. There wasn't the level of adversity leading up to her loss that you had endured. But the lessons I learned watching this family hold on to each other, when they felt empty turned my compassion and sensitivity up a notch when a colleague had a child who had been in and out of the hospital since his birth. This colleague would come into work exhausted because once this little guy seemed to be getting his feet under him with the health complications he was born with, he never wanted to sleep. He'd wake up and want to play and was very hard to get to go to sleep. Just before his 4th b-day, there was a terrible accident that both mom and dad witnessed. It was not preventable. But their little guy was gone.

All of a sudden all of those 2 a.m. wake-ups their little guy had been doing ripped them up for different reasons. They found a different way to channel their grief. They found a way to create toy treasures for children to find. Friends would print out a card with this child's story, pick up a toy at Wal-Mart while they were shopping for other things, and then attach the card to the toy and drop it off when they traveled. The message on the card said that the toy was a gift from this child. If they traveled to the Grand Canyon, a toy with this card would be left for a child to find. Rome, Washington DC, Disneyland, hotels, parks, zoos, etc. The card had instructions to post a picture of the toy with a child on FB as the only requested gratitude and tag this particular child's tribute page. Thousands of toys have been given away in this child's name. I've done a few of those treasure drops myself, where I took a picture of the toy in the drop-off place for a child to find. It created a place for meaningful memories for a child that didn't get to live to fulfill his dreams personally.

Take your time and find your own path; my colleague's path might not work for you, but I believe something meaningful and positive will.

Cooley2here posted 12/16/2019 08:55 AM

This is pure grief. You lost a child. Itís happened in our family. Some of us are able to move through it and others are not. There are no rules for grief you just feel what you feel. I am so sorry for your loss. If you can get hugs from your husband and your daughter please do because they are in this this with you.
Those of us who have had these losses have learned you donít get around it, you just have to go through it. Just keep remembering that you love him and having him in your life gave you joy. Hang on to the joy.. I am so sorry for your loss

Tripletrouble posted 12/16/2019 21:53 PM

Thank you all for your support. If the day comes that I feel stronger, I want to advocate and educate about the challenges that my son and many others face in silence. Right now that feels a million miles away. Although I have many people who love me and WANT to help, they have no idea how and usually I end up feeling worse if I spend time with other people. I have next to no support IRL. My husband is wonderful and was very fond of my son, but he only knew him a short time and the grief is simply not the same. My XH continues to make a mess of things and make it worse. I feel like I'm drowning in this sea of grief and it is incredibly lonely.

ZenMumWalking posted 12/17/2019 10:02 AM

Try floating in your sea of grief. Let the pain wash through you and around you.

You don't have to plan out your future now, the only thing you have to do is grieve the tragic death of your son. Nothing prepares any parent for that.

If you don't want to be with other people, then don't. Of course they don't understand, they aren't going through this and nothing else they have been through feels anything like this.

If you are having major struggles making it through the day, consider talking to a doctor to get a prescription for a low dose of an anti-anxiety med. It could help to take the edge off enough to grieve without completely falling apart.
If that doesn't seem right for you though, then please ignore this suggestion. It's meant not to mask or remove your pain, but rather to support you through your pain.

I want you to feel my arms around you and hugging you with love while you cry and talk to me about your precious DS. Or just cry. Or just lie there sharing your grief with me.

Sending you strength and love, and positive, healing thoughts.

((((Triple))))

LoveTKO posted 12/18/2019 07:43 AM

Although I've never lost a child, I faced the real possibility when my son was diagnosed with cancer at 3 years old. He is 24 now and healthy but there were many years of treatment, surgeries, etc. No one understands the horror unless it's happened to you. I can't imagine what you are going through.

Is your therapist helpful? You are going through a crisis and need real support. We are strong women but there is a limit to what one can take. Please ask for help. Thank goodness you have a supportive husband now.

Sending you love and hugs...

Cooley2here posted 12/18/2019 16:13 PM

There are national groups of parents who lost a child. They will understand. They will feel what you feel.

BraveSirRobin posted 12/18/2019 17:24 PM

I don't have much to add, Triple, except that I'm still thinking of you every day.

BraveSirRobin posted 12/23/2019 08:19 AM

Sending hugs, Triple. This hellish year only has another week to go, and then there will be a quiet stretch where the world isn't trying to impose joy on you.

We're here now, and we'll be here then.

Tripletrouble posted 12/23/2019 18:25 PM

Thank you BSRobin. I am very much ready for the holidays to be over.

StillLivin posted 12/26/2019 18:28 PM

(((Tripletrouble)))

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