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Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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TheHittite posted 2/24/2020 08:08 AM

Gentlemen: long time lurker here. This thread helped more than you could ever know during the darkest times of my journey. So thank you.

wincing_at_light - I still read your "Epic Post" from May, 2013 every once in a while. Truly a classic.

I have been keeping a journal since two months after DDay and looked back a long way today for some reason.

Found something I wrote 10 years ago in February, 2010, a month after DDay, while pondering an earlier photo of my wife and me together. It made me realize both the depth of my despair and how the stress post-A had saddened and prematurely aged her face. We had been married 18 years when the A was exposed. We were high school sweethearts and "onlies":

A picture of a man and wife
Who cannot bear to be apart.
Where can I find that which was lost,
The treasure kept only for me?

When will I love you once again?
When will the heartache fade away?
Thought I search to the end of the earth,
I cannot restore what is gone.

My soul is barren and lifeless,
There is no joy, no hope, no sight.
I walk in a land of sorrow,
Each day has a new grief to bear.

Peace eludes me and hides itself.
I long for the days of still waters:
Your precious face, your joyful eyes,
And your tender, radiant smile!

After 10 years, we are still together, but I have not found what was lost and am sadly resigned to never finding it again.

I hope your journeys are more fulfilling.

newparadigm posted 2/24/2020 15:11 PM

I read on another thread that there is lots of talk of beer, shooting, motorcycles, and the outdoors over here on this thread, so I thought I would check it out!

Tanner posted 2/24/2020 16:46 PM

After 10 years, we are still together, but I have not found what was lost and am sadly resigned to never finding it again.

I hope your journeys are more fulfilling.

Part of us and our relationship dies in infidelity and thatís a big part of my grief. I will never get back what was taken and willfully given away.

SumofOne posted 2/24/2020 17:12 PM

I had an episode this weekend. I'm still not sure what to think. One thing I have discussed with my wife if that she always surrounds herself with a certain type of person. We had agreed that her being so easily influenced that finding a different type of friend was important to her ability to stay faithful.

She has done very well with this and written off some absolutely horrible people. She started becoming friends recently with a woman with a known reputation for being wild. I have been told though that she is trying to get her life on track and she herself has distanced herself from her wild friends. I truly do hope that she is successful at turning her life around but I am just not sure how I feel about my wife and her becoming friends. I have seen nothing but good things from this woman, but her boyfriend makes me uneasy. I have seen him look at her and be flirty. I have told my wife that at times it feels like they are trying to bring her into the mix since she doesn't seem to mind him being like that towards her. No gaslighting from my wife, she said that if I am uneasy she won't be around him and so far that has happened.

This weekend my wife goes to her house with our kids. The boyfriend isn't there and it is just a playdate type thing. Boyfriend isn't supposed to be there all day but he shows up. The wife texts me and tells me when he got there. I pretty much lose it. You guys will get it. Even though I knew I was being totally irrational a part of me also knows she is a liar and a cheater and I couldn't stop thinking about all the various possibilities. I do think I was wrong, but I also wish she would be more sensitive to how this bothers me.

-The friend makes me uneasy because of her past
-The boyfriend is super friendly and I think flirty
-I have seen him check her out many times

One of her defenses to this was that she asked me to go to avoid just this type of thing happening, which is true. However I was working on a project and very much needed to finish it.

Any of you guys ever been there where you knew you were overreacting but you really didn't care?

sisoon posted 2/24/2020 18:32 PM

I wrote a long post on making a choice, contrasts and parallels between D & R, and I think it all came down to:

1) Life is a risk. I'm pretty sure that's a fact.

2) Life goes better if one makes choices that go towards something one wants than away from something one doesn't want. That's an opinion.

Both D & R can be chosen because the chooser thinks it gives him the best chance for finding joy. Both D & R can be chosen with a goal of avoidance. those are opinions, too.


I'm stripping my bike down with a goal of getting it powder coated, and I'm having a tough time choosing a damned color. I last had it painted in 1984, and I wasn't really happy with the color. I wasn't all that happy with its original color, either.

I really want it to look like the ocean under certain light. The thing is, I think, the ocean is translucent, and a bike frame isn't.

Something like the current color can actually be seen in Lake Michigan or the ocean, without the translucence. I just want something that isn't possible. Light penetrates several feet into clean water, and the powder coat is just a fraction of a millimeter.

A first world problem, for sure.... Wish me luck.

wincing_at_light posted 2/24/2020 20:54 PM

One of her defenses to this was that she asked me to go to avoid just this type of thing happening, which is true.

Why do you consider it to be overreacting when she intentionally puts herself into harms' way and then tries to gaslight you into believing that it's your fault because you didn't do what she wanted (i.e., potentially spend time around this guy) instead of her taking the initiative to care for you?

She could have solved this problem easily by packing up the kids to leave as soon as he arrived.

Instead, she started devising defenses for how she could do the thing she wanted to do at your expense. Remorseful people don't do things like that any more than you would tell your wife you're going to hang out at a strip club and if she wants to avoid anything untoward happening, she should come with you. And if she doesn't and shit happens, well, then she can't overreact, right?

It's amazing how stupid it sounds when you turn the situation around and start mashing their insecurity buttons.

ETA: For the record, I'm not suggesting your wife is looking to cheat again. But I also don't think from what you've described that she's not looking NOT to cheat again. And that's a very selfish, wayward mindset.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 9:01 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

Mr. Kite posted 2/24/2020 21:48 PM

Part of us and our relationship dies in infidelity and thatís a big part of my grief. I will never get back what was taken and willfully given away.

After 10 years, we are still together, but I have not found what was lost and am sadly resigned to never finding it again.

Everything has changed here as well. We were both altered after her journey to the dark side. You wrote a post on Dec. 30th talking about what love is. Speaking for myself only, love is no longer the endorphin rush that came whenever I thought about her or was with her. It is now a more realistic love battered by the lies, adultery, and the humdrum tasks, trials, and tribulations of daily life. Of course after being together for over 38 years that's not surprising.

I miss the endorphin rush of love but am not willing to throw away my honor and integrity in order to meet someone new on the side while still married. I'd rather be in my shoes than in hers.

One thing I have discussed with my wife if that she always surrounds herself with a certain type of person.

WW had some friends that told her she could do better than me and that she should get a D. One of them was an ex-prostitute who hated my guts and another was having an affair even though she was married and had children. I warned my wife to stay away from them but she told me to stop controlling her. We know how that worked out.

Have her read some books on boundaries and how to fire-proof a marriage.

Do not be deceived: ďBad company ruins good morals.Ē 1 Corinthians 15:33

Brew3x posted 2/25/2020 08:00 AM

I was out in the yard yesterday unseasonably warm and was looking around at mess I left before the winter, hoses still out, gutters full, lawn A mess, pool furniture still out, so on And so on. Dday was in October when I usually close up for the season. I got to thinking about all the hard work I put into fixing up our home and got sad, Iím not sure I have the desire for this place anymore, was thinking maybeI should sell, felt like the A ruined my hopes and dreams I had for the home. Any ever feel like this.

steadychevy posted 2/25/2020 08:48 AM

SumofOne, did the girlfriend know her boyfriend might show up or was it a total surprise to her, too? What happened when boyfriend showed up? Did boyfriend find out from his girlfriend that your WW was going to be there and found a way to show up?

IMO, your WW let you know he showed up immediately which is very good. Did she wonder what she should do or ask if she should leave or did she just inform you? I think she should have found a reason to pack up your children and leave the premises on her own. She knew it was an issue for you.

I don't think you were wrong. I think she should have been more sensitive to your issues. I don't think you were overreacting. I think your WW should, on her own, evaluate her relationship with said girlfriend compared to trying to regain trust and reconcile to determine which is the most important to her and act accordingly.

Incarnate posted 2/25/2020 10:15 AM

Something I am smug about.

My ex no longer sits on the phone every morning with the walrus and fuckboy. It used to be from 5-7 every morning. Now that she is -gasp- having to work for a living, she doesn't do that.

I'm losing weight. I'm making more money (not more than her on paper yet, but I can afford to do things I want more than she can). I'm dating. Suddenly, she's a lot nicer, a lot more accommodating. A lot less vicious. Like, seriously, overnight.

Haha. If she thinks this is going to get us back together after six months of separation from her (at least) second affair and 8 months of celibacy, then I seriously look forward to disappointing her.

I am going to pick up paperwork for a rental this morning. I hope to be moved out soon. I'll have to borrow some money, but I'm moving on it hard.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 10:15 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Incarnate posted 2/25/2020 10:20 AM

Also, after working my ass off, I just paid off a $4,000 credit card. Final payment this morning.


SumofOne posted 2/25/2020 11:11 AM

Regarding the boyfriend showing up, she texted me something like - just wanted you to know the boyfriend showed up to drop something off.

I was busy so I didn't see it right away. By the time I had replied, I'd say 5-10 minutes later she said that he had left.

I absolutely think this is a case of her being insensitive, but that I also added fuel to the fire.

I will tell you what I think this is about, and to me this does show a great deal about my wife and how she isn't safe. My best friend lives 5 hours away. He was in town. When he is in town he stays at his sisters. My wife has problems with the sister. I have know her 30 years and have never had anything that resembles a romantic interest in her, including times when I was single...but according to my wife another buddy of mine told my wife that this sister has the hots for me. He based this on the fact that my wife and I were late to a party one night and the sister kept asking when is SumofOne going to get here several times. I don't know if she has any interest in me or not but if so she is slow playing the hell out of me. Anyway, I went to go see my friend at her house this past week. She started on me about it, at some point I just yelled into the phone, "I AM NOT THE ONE WHO CHEATED"

Anyway, I think she went out to this friends house as "payback". She is emotionally in Jr High.

[This message edited by SumofOne at 11:14 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

somanyyears posted 2/25/2020 13:03 PM

..@ TheHittite,

to a fellow Ontarian..will this winter ever end?

I have to agree with you that what we lost can never be restored or reclaimed. We were I thought HS first and onlies. Turns out only I was!!! I still look at photos of my gf at 17, so innocent and naive and wonder how we ended up here 50+ years later?

The last 10 years have aged us both, me more so than her undoubtedly!! She managed to keep her youthful beauty... perhaps she's related to Dorian Gray?

Beauty however, is a double-edged sword attracting lots of attention, sometimes from unwanted sources!!! aka: supposed best friends

I went back and read all of your recent posts and found your take on forgiveness most encouraging. We all could take a lesson in this department I suspect.

On finding what is lost.... they can't UNSCREW the DONKEY or... they can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again!

In the meantime, take her precious face, her joyful eyes and her tender, radiant smile.. and make the best of it.

For me, there is far too much emphasis on LOOKS and not enough on CHARACTER...


wincing_at_light posted 2/25/2020 15:10 PM

Any ever feel like this.

I did. The only good news I've got to offer you is that over time -- once you're out of that emotional crisis mode -- the feelings of value associated with hobbies and projects will return.

Or in some cases, it won't. Then you'll pick up new things to replace those. The great thing about suffering is that it has a tendency to burn the furniture of your life down to the brass tacks. You come to learn what really matters to you and what mattered out of habit or sense of obligation rather than love.

thatbpguy posted 2/25/2020 15:34 PM

I am going to pick up paperwork for a rental this morning. I hope to be moved out soon. I'll have to borrow some money, but I'm moving on it hard.

Here's a thought...

Don't tell your ww when you're moving. Let her come home and find what you wanted gone- along with you.

Mr. Kite posted 2/25/2020 15:44 PM

My wife's polygraph was last Thursday so after several deep conversations and now that enough time has passed, I've been able to think through how I feel about it all.

Initially I suggested the polygraph to her but then decided against it because I thought I wouldn't believe her anyway. I was wrong. From the moment I got the call from the examiner to tell me she had passed, I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. It's like I'd been living in a gray area and now a bright light came on.

The polygraph covered the last 25 years of our marriage. Would I find out that I'd been continually lied to and deceived all those years? Would I have to file for D and move out after over 34 years of marriage? Those were my fears and they were finally put to rest.

My wife said it was the most horrendous experience she'd ever been through. At one point she got chest pains. I asked her to post her experience in the Wayward section, since she is a member here, but she declined because she fears it may discourage others from going through with a polygraph.

Her past infidelities are still part of her history but hopefully we can now move forward as she works on restoring my trust in her.

[This message edited by Mr. Kite at 10:05 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

SumofOne posted 2/26/2020 09:29 AM

That is great news Mr Kite. I am glad you got that closure you were needing.

newparadigm posted 2/26/2020 12:45 PM

Great to hear that Mr. Kite.

The pride does come back. I had a similar experience to what you are describing and let things slide for a while and totally lost interest in and dropped some hobbies that I had for years.

What happened with me is that as I got further out and more healed myself, I found new interests (now maybe too many), and now am back to having a lot of pride in what I do.

I hope you find a guy that can powder coat that frame with the exact effect you are looking for. I have seen some coating jobs that have blown me away. It takes an artist.

Incarnate posted 2/26/2020 14:02 PM

Howdy, gents.

I do read everything you all write, I just seldom have any input that I think would add to what has already been said. I feel bad for not having something to say, especially with how verbose I can be, but I do want you all to know I'm hearing you all.

I'm putting in an application for a house, only about a block away as the crow flies, three blocks if you follow the roads (It's one street over on the next dead-end street). I've got my finances in line, I've secured first and deposit, as well as a cosigner. I have a separation agreement drafted up for custody and final separation of household belongings and finances. I'll be putting that into the Divorce forum.

Just over 6 months out. Time to push, and push hard to get the FUCK out of this house.

Tanner posted 2/26/2020 18:30 PM

W and I were talking to an older couple at a store and W told them our 29th Anniversary is coming up. They said wow thatís admirable to make it that long. It triggered the hell out me. I want to crawl in a hole because all I can think is ďsure itís easy, when the going gets tough have multiple affairsĒ. Iím not looking forward to this anniversary because I donít want any atta boys and definitely donít want atta girls.

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