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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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DashboardMadonna posted 2/23/2020 23:43 PM

Hey guys,

Not doing too well today, to be honest. Crying a lot...I am having real hard time with the rejection and my self-worth. Logically I know it isn't me, but it is really hard for me to deal with what his "preference" is. I feel like like garbage and it seems so weak.Just the level of outward rejection is really getting to me. The shitty self-loathing is the worst. I feel like there is something triggering it (besides the obvious) and I am not sure what it is. I'm getting all the mind movie shit (all over again) and it's killing me. I am not sure what it could be...not sleeping last night, I'm sure didnt help. This is like torture and I just want it to stop. I'm at the point of wanting a lobotomy.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 11:49 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

secondtime posted 2/24/2020 08:05 AM

Hugs, Dashboard..Try to be easy and take good care of yourself today.

Superesse posted 2/24/2020 08:57 AM

((((Dashboard)))) Sleep is our friend. If you are sleep deprived, your brain tends to see everything as much more threatening than it really is. I have been there, too. I imagine we all have. Try some melatonin over-the-counter about a half hour before you want to go to sleep. If you take it in the middle of a sleepless night, be prepared to be super groggy the next morning. It is a natural brain hormone we need to shut off the mind movies and static.

And here is my take on these guys who foul their own nest like yours does: you need a new nest, sweet lady. HE needs to go.

I think a lot of our real trauma comes from the way a sexual relationship leaves us vulnerable as babies in our "survival centers" of the deep brain. We are feeling just as rejected at those times as an infant left by her mother, or a kid who, like in my own case, often felt a parent's unspoken disappointment or outright disapproval of who they cannot help that they are, like "being a girl" when they wanted a son, or "being so tall" when they wanted a little dolly girl. Shame for what our body is can be so devastating, but bad enough to have ever felt that as a kid, we DON'T need to experience it again with an adult relationship we supposedly can leave, right? So just remember his choices are NO reflection on you.

DevastatedDee posted 2/24/2020 11:15 AM

DashboardMadonna, I'm going to pipe in and say that there is no shame in not being what a narcissistic fucked up cheating asshole wants in bed. Matter of fact, if only we had all been so lucky as to have completely repulsed them and kept them out of our lives 100%.

I know how you feel. I still battle this, even though I'm long away from my XWH and genuinely no longer care who or what he's doing. It's a serious wound and a completely undeserved one.

ashestophoenix posted 2/24/2020 12:56 PM

Dashboard - I can empathize with what you are feeling. What I learned is that this a symptom of trauma. Trauma rewires us so that we are on edge, can't sleep, reactive, hypervigilant. We didn't choose this. This is what happened to us. I can't underestimate how traumatic discovery is and then the increasing awareness of what our reality was vs. what we thought it was. And trauma re-ignites old trauma. The longer we had been involved with our SA's, the deeper the trauma.

I had to find an individual therapist who specialized in treating trauma. That took me a while. If they just say "oh, yeah, I treat trauma", they need to explain their approach and why it succeeds. And if they can't, or they get huffy, find a new therapist. My trauma therapy has been life saving to me.


[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 12:57 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

crazyblindsided posted 2/24/2020 13:53 PM

(((DashboardMadonna))) Hang in there! I too am struggling today. I can relate as it feels just like torture. Between being lovebombed, mentally abused, and criticized all in a matter of 24 hours. I am ready to run away. A lobotomy would be really nice.

I may need to find a trauma therapist myself.

Hope you are feeling a little better today!

DashboardMadonna posted 2/24/2020 23:28 PM

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it. It means a lot.

I am doing better today. I don't know what it was, yesturday...something was triggering it. I tried taking naps yesterday and the images kept startling me awake.

I'm trying to be better. The crap was so bad, I drank a bit last night. I'm trying to be better about it. I just want this to be over.

I was trying melatonin, but it didn't help much. I have non-addictive sleep meds. They help okay, but the interfere with bathroom issues lol

I totally relate to the nurturing thing. Since DD all I've wanted is someone to hug me and tell me it will be okay. I need my mother, but she refuses to be that person. It really is just like you describe.

Yes it is undeserved. I wonder if anyone ever really heals from this.

I started EDMR, but lately I think my councelor feels I just need somone to listen. I'm going to have her start the EMDR again. Insurance is coming to a close.

I'm sorry hes doing this to you. That is so abusive, you dont know which end is up. Maybe we should strap gopros to our head and play back their bullshit to them. Ask them if they believe this is something a "sane" person does.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 11:33 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

Superesse posted 2/25/2020 00:14 AM

Dashboard, glad you are feeling a notch or two better, today. You do know how alcohol can affect us, right? We try it because hey, maybe it can blunt the pain, but it mostly blunts our "higher level cognitive abilities," while meantime, our animal-survival brain ramps UP, and has to stay vigilant because it senses we are not 100% in control!

That's why, when we feel anxiety and take a drink, holy moly...ultimately - not right away but later on - we tend to feel MORE negative feelings: opens the gate! They are already encoded in our brain, but to handle these feelings, we need that "command and control module" that says to us "Know what? You will win this, baby!" (Oh, and Superesse means just that in Latin, a classic language going back millenia...)

(((DashboardMadonna))) Try a cup of regular milk before you lay down, if it agrees with you. Has that melatonin, too.

And I agree with ashes that this is trauma and finding some support like she said would be so good for you. And I am so sorry your Mom cannot be supportive of you. That in itself is a major deal. But you recognize this about her, as you've said before several times. and that's so important.

Somber posted 2/25/2020 06:01 AM

Thinking of you all and hope your all feeling better today!!
Idabel, how are you??

DBMadonna, it hurts like hell. The mind movies and triggers are debilitating. Do you have a supportive friend or another family member to lean on? I hope so. You always have us.

CBS, I know what your going through, I relate so much to your posts. Youíve made progress to get out of this toxic marriage. Youíve got this! Hang in there. One day at a time.


Somber posted 2/25/2020 06:08 AM

Iím struggling too right now. The mind movies and triggers consume me. I compartmentalism like a pro but that box is overflowing and I canít stuff the pain in it anymore. I avoid crying at all costs, I have started to dig my nails in my arms to avoid the floodgates of tears and pain!
Iím also completely obsessed with thoughts of my spouse and cousin. Neither one has been forthcoming in facts. I donít want details. I couldnít handle it. But I need facts to process what actually happened. I want to call her and demand some information but I donít know if thatís a good idea???
I feel like I am suffocating and drowning in all of this. I want to have a drink or marijuana to numb it all as my spouse does...it must be nice to be able to escape for a while and then play poor me i have addictions and a sad childhood cards to justify it.
I stay as sober as ever because first off my children need me to be. But Iím resentful of that for him too. To be able to say F it, Iím gonna have a drink or eat a weed gummy

Somber posted 2/25/2020 08:42 AM

Well that was stupid! I called my cousin because I just canít stand where my mind is going. She denied a physical
Affair as does he. Their texts would suggest otherwise but apparently itís just talk. They planned to meet up once but realized they just couldnít do that to me...wtf.
I hung up, realized that I will never really trust their answers anyhow. How could I since they both betrayed me so easily. I donít know the facts or donít believe them anyhow. Iím trying to figure out why it matters? I thought it would help to hate them more knowing it was a PA, I thought It would fuel my anger to leave this marriage ASAP. Instead, I feel sad, confused and betrayed. I feel broken, exhausted and helpless. I want to be flipping angry, I want to leave! I just am too damn weak to do so I guess.
What a loser! I hate myself for not reacting more powerfully and taking control! I hate that he can deny, tell the truth or lie and it all looks the same so I never know what to believe. I hate how broken I am because of this and how change seems impossible or more difficult than staying the same.
I want to escape it all so badly!!!

[This message edited by Somber at 8:43 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

DevastatedDee posted 2/25/2020 09:19 AM

Somber, I don't know what to say to help you want to leave. My fear is that you're just going to slowly wither away and die in this environment. You're like a bird losing her voice and her feathers a little bit every day. This isn't going to get better while you're with him. Not ever. He's never going to not be an addict. You're always going to be at risk of yet another infidelity. I don't believe him or your cousin. Of course they'd say it didn't happen. Hell, let's say it didn't. Their consideration for you was non-existent for them to even seriously entertain the idea.

As long as you stay, this is what your life will be. You will be lied to. You will be cheated on. You will never know what to believe and you will feel more and more unbalanced because you'll never have a good grip on your reality thanks to the lies and gaslighting.

Think of it as if your marriage is a tumor that left untreated will be fatal. You can avoid treatment and slowly die in ever-growing pain and confusion. That is an option. Your other option is to have the tumor removed and recover. Removing the tumor will be painful, but it is the only way that your body and mind can heal. I know that sounds overly-dramatic, but it isn't. Your situation is that dire. Your risk of severe depression, physical illness and suicide goes up while you're living with him.

None of what you deal with in your marriage is normal or expected. None of it is what people mean when they say "You know, marriage is hard and it takes work". This is beyond anything anyone should ever feel like they should tolerate.

I know that rage drove me hard in getting out of my marriage. It's easier to grab hold of that rage and ride it when you haven't been beaten down psychologically for so many years that you've lost any sense of what's normal and lost a lot of love for yourself. That's the dangerous thing about staying in these kinds of abusive marriages. You'll stop valuing yourself sufficiently because you've been shown by your spouse how unimportant you are to them. It's psychological abuse and it is hard to get out of. I was with a cheater and an addict, but I hadn't been beaten down for years mentally and emotionally. I rode the rage train out of there when I still valued myself. Your exit will take more than rage. You need to love yourself enough first to take advantage of that rage.

crazyblindsided posted 2/25/2020 12:09 PM

Your exit will take more than rage. You need to love yourself enough first to take advantage of that rage.

Yes it will (((Somber))) you have to love yourself the most to get out of this. I still have times I beat myself up for feeling weak it's the trauma brain and it keeps you stuck. Try to reframe it as you being strong enough to see what you want for yourself.

I go through spurts, I'll get really angry but then it turns into depression and I just have to ride it out until I feel confident again.

Have you looked into Trauma Bonding. It is so hard to leave these types of relationships because of the abuse. It has rewired our brains in a way that we are like an addict going through withdraw.

Your risk of severe depression, physical illness and suicide goes up while you're living with him.

I have been getting more suicidal thoughts lately because my STBX keeps harassing me with lovebombing or manipulation. I now see my situation as dire if I stayed. In fact I feel like if I don't leave I'm going to die it is that bad.

I don't know if I have asked you this but are you in IC? and also do you have a good support system of friends/family?

Somber posted 2/25/2020 14:39 PM

DDee, I appreciate your reality checks! They are actually saving my life! Honestly. Iím so depressed, my reality clouded and unknown, I am realizing how damaged my self esteem and self worth has become. Itís heartbreaking. I do have suicidal thoughts often but donít actually feel suicidal. I am recognizing the devastating toll this has taken on my mental health. Itís unfair and cruel!!!!! I just feel too weak and depleted and down on myself to make change.

It's easier to grab hold of that rage and ride it when you haven't been beaten down psychologically for so many years that you've lost any sense of what's normal and lost a lot of love for yourself.

Spot on! Thank you for this. It has allowed me to recognize that his in myself and to stop being so hard on myself right now.

CBS, I have looked into trauma bonding. It has provided me much insight into what I am battling with. I do have an IC. Newly, I have a trauma therapist who I saw today.
She is trying to have me focus on self care and I was wondering why we werenít discussing all the painful details and processing them. But like you girls, I think she is realizing that I need to grow in self love to help myself get out of this mess!!

DevastatedDee posted 2/25/2020 15:31 PM

I think your therapist knows what she's doing. And goodness no, don't be hard on yourself. That's the last thing you need. I've personally seen you come a long way in the time I've known you on here. You're stronger and braver already. You aren't dumb or weak, you're mentally exhausted. You can only go so far on an empty tank and your WH is siphoning the gas way too often. Self-care will help you detach more and teach you that you are worthy and deserving of good things. Keep walking in the right direction. You'll find that at some point in this process, you see him as the lead weight he really is, holding you back and trying to keep you down.

skeetermooch posted 2/28/2020 17:18 PM

Hi all, having the worst few days. I experienced a betrayal from a friend and I'm completely flipping out - getting overly emotional - both sad and angry and tons of anxiety. I actually turned to my STBX because I felt so utterly alone in the world - how's that for rock bottom? Turning to the cheating, lying, unrepentant husband for support. What is my life?

So much anxiety that I had to take a Xanax as I was shaking.

crazyblindsided posted 2/28/2020 17:52 PM

(((skeetermooch))) that is awful and I'm so sorry you are going through another betrayal. I'm sure it triggers the same feelings from the A betrayal. Don't be hard on yourself for reaching out to the STBX. You can go back to NC at any time.

skeetermooch posted 2/29/2020 11:18 AM

Thanks CBS.

I feel like I'm experiencing shifting in my friendships since the split - certain friends have come closer and others have receded to the point that this one friendship has even ended. It's too much to handle right now. I need the ground underneath me to stop moving.

Lifeexploded posted 3/1/2020 10:54 AM

Devastated - I know your post was meant for somber, but i just wanted to let you know that it helped me too.

Hang in there ladies.

Somber posted 3/1/2020 19:15 PM

Life exploded,

I would have to say that we all have similar yet different stories and the advice on here always resonates with me whether it was directed toward me or not. We are helping each other even indirectly at times. It is invaluable.

Dee, yes my therapist is onto something...self care! The more I build in caring for and about myself, the more strength I gain to trust my instincts and inner voice.

Right now I battle with not trusting myself, my choices, my sanity, my meaning in life. I battle with loose suicidal thoughts, by that I mean Iím not suicidal but often think about the ease in ending the pain. Iím struggling with cognitive dissonance which I knew nothing about just weeks ago. The inconsistent thoughts about who my spouse is. He is one of two people with me while at the same time capable of living a double life our entire marriage. Itís really messing with my head as I start to accept bit by bit the reality of it. I have not started journaling but jotting down reality as I know it. I wrote a loose timeline of infidelities along the way. I feel stupid for staying this long; I kept trying to make things better and accepting the blame. Itís so crazy making!!! The narcissist traits have repeated like a textbook. The covert emotional abuse along the way has warped my sense of self worth and has made me doubt myself. Iím trying damn hard to pull myself out of it this time! I see a future of deep depression staying thatís for sure!

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