I haven’t been on in a while...
Lifeexploded, I hope you and your family all feel better soon, especially your 6 year old. Follow all the precautions and he should recover soon. Poor thing. I know how worrisome it is but hand washing and social isolation are our best defences right now. Hang in there.
Lionne, Safe travels! Hand sanitizer like crazy through those airports and you should be okay.
The world has changed dramatically. It’s unprecedented times ahead. We are both frontline workers so are right in the thick of it. However, I am grateful to be part time during all of this.
The lack of daycare is the most challenging for us as we still are required to work. My mom is our only social contact for childcare reasons. It’s gonna get tougher as the days turn into weeks and the weeks into months of dealing with this virus.
Aside from that, we also aren’t talking much about separation or divorce. Your right, the kids are experiencing enough changes right now. And truthfully, no big changes can really take affect when all services are closed, isolation in affect.
It’s like we are all forced to be in limbo right now.
Although it crept up on us the other night...
He carries on like everything is normal with us. Sometimes, I am triggered I suppose and act distant. He doesn’t get it. I explain that our marriage isn’t fixed because we are forced to isolate ourselves. He still doesn’t get it. I suppose because we are carrying on and not fighting, he thinks all is good. I fail to enlighten him that our marriage is no longer fixable. He gets mad. Then we start arguing about it.
Here comes the:
‘what about the kids?’
‘How can you do this to us, is there really nothing I can do?’
‘I was sober for 100 days, doesn’t that count?’
‘I have been trying’
Of course my responses are you aren’t trying, you don’t go to counselling, your drinking again, I didn’t do this to the kids, this is a consequence of your repeated actions, you never take responsibility for anything, you never admit to more than what I have shared, there is no transparency, honesty, disclosure...
He responds with: I have tried, I went to rehab and you didn’t seem to care, that’s not how my brain works, I’m sorry...I said I’m sorry.
I bluntly say in a calm voice ‘I don’t love you or trust you and a marriage needs both of those things’. He reacts to this by accusing me of verbally abusing him and begs me to stop verbally abusing him, it’s hatred and he doesn’t want me around him.’ I’m confused and say I’m not verbally abusing you, I’m telling you the truth of how I feel. He disagrees.
I give up and leave the room. Moments later he comes in and says “I got it, you actually want me to kill myself.” I respond that “that’s not true and now who is being abusing; this is emotional abuse and it’s not fair.” He mumbles “I just don’t want you to be surprised when it happens.”
Then I totally disengage, wtf right! Always ends up in him being suicidal or me being the abuser or me being selfish for wanting to hurt the kids and bring some other man into their lives...
So the past 2 days, almost without effort on his part, we are back to pretending all is fine. Almost as if this argument never happened. It won’t be spoke of again; he will once again think everything is fine, until the next time I feel the need to speak my truth.
[This message edited by Somber at 10:10 AM, March 25th (Wednesday)]