SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks, Superesse.

I have been having a terrible time detaching. The illogic has been an obstacle. I do know he loves me. There are many objective indications/actions that prove this to me. However, he is also utterly in love with his hooker/porn life. This is where I got confused. If he wanted me back as badly as I know he did/does, how could he continue acting out? He's crazy. He's an addict. He's entitled. He's a gambler and no matter the odds thinks he can win the jackpot.

I've drawn boundaries - kicked him out, taken my life back - he's not getting everything he wants - to be back home. I thought it was enough to get him to commit one way or another - either to give up his drug - sex addiction - or to walk away and admit he couldn't. Instead he's fought, lamely, to have both.

He's illogical and self-destructive and other-destructive. I have to detach. I hope this is the final straw.

And now that he knows I'm done he's cancelling all of our shared accounts so this should be a fun afternoon resurrecting my car insurance, utilities, etc.

I know we recently talked here about the madonna-whore "needs" of the truly messed up little boys these guys are. Why be surprised he wants both? If you couldn't see a man as a whole mate to you, but only see him as a piece of your unmet psychological needs for opposite sex nurturing, you would want both Steady Eddy and a Chippendale Stud, too.

And now that he knows I'm done he's cancelling all of our shared accounts so this should be a fun afternoon resurrecting my car insurance, utilities, etc.

Right when they don't get their way they start the punishing again. Such a vicious cycle.

(((skeetermooch)))

Yes, I guess that's what's at play. I think I was trying to be both to him and he thought I could be initially, hence marrying me. The part that confounds me is the lack of honesty. If that's what he wants and needs why continue to lie - especially now? He's been exposed. We're separated. There's no reason to lie and even if there is - it's not sustainable now that he's been caught.

I guess these are rhetorical questions. I know the answers - just because he's that kind of fucked up. That's why.

Im his mind because he's continued to show up and be reliable in certain ways, I'm just a bitch who's never satisfied. It's like we're having two separate marriages, two separate agreements. He's living up to his version not mine.

I'm starting to have an anxiety attack now. He sent an email saying to never contact him again and that he's moving. I guess I'm freaking out because this feels next level. He seems to be accepting it as real for the first time.

(((skeeter))) Haven't you ever had some really scary but needed surgery you can compare this with? I am worried about your feeling this way, after all the right moves you have been making. It reminds me of how I was, back in the days before I really started rebuilding my sense of self separate from this shitshow. I think that's why we have all said NC = NO NEW HURT. You have been living a little fantasy every time you let him get that close to you, and it's like its own sort of drug, isn't it?

Please know you are valued and worth loving by a MAN who doesn't have MOMMY ISSUES. And so, take some deep breaths, know you are not alone, and I encourage you to see if you can get some immediate real life support at this time. There are even crisis center hotlines you can call for free - I know because I did it! After talking to some crisis call line volunteer late one night when I was a basket case, talking quietly from my cell phone in the bathroom while he slept like a baby in the bed that we used to share, I set up a free one-time appointment with their staff counselor, and she gave me a little gift of stability at a moment I needed it. She said I was in a pattern of "overfunctioning" with him "underfunctioning," after I explained to her how I'd spent so much energy trying to diagnose his issues and get him the help he clearly needed, that I wasn't listening to my own pain or my own need for a healthy relationship.

I sense you are doing the same, and this anxiety probably is you fearing how you will feel when that pain hits you, am I close? Can you pinpoint what is driving the anxiety?

So sorry, but I think the longer you try for a "Hail Mary" with some kind of light-bulb-moment to hit him, or some other kind of miraculous change within him, the more long-term damage you are doing to yourself. Can you see what I'm saying? I wish somebody had been able to see my insane attachment anxiety kicking in at the times I felt like you are saying, those "OMG now I've really let go...what's next?" but I had no family left who cared to hear about my fear, and only one older friend who cared, who seemed to understand, but yet she was all about hoping we'd stick together...which was freaking ironic, as she had divorced HER SEX ADDICT and raised her own two sons for 18 years alone, until she met her second husband. She just liked him, too. Like everybody did.

You are doing what you need to do now. Don't get wobbly...

[This message edited by Superesse at 3:58 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

the longer you try for a "Hail Mary" with some kind of light-bulb-moment to hit him, or some other kind of miraculous change within him, the more long-term damage you are doing to yourself.

^^^ This

(((skeetermooch))) oh I know exactly how you feel. It is so traumatizing. Be very gentle on yourself. He's ramping up because you are not putting up with his antics anymore. I get anxiety every time I get a text from STBX, but I am slowly starting to get better at ignoring. It helps when I delete his texts immediately. If you don't need to have contact with him I would block his number.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:06 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

Skeeter,

It's all part of the act. His being dismissive is a control tactic. He wants you to feel insecure, to keep you stagnating.

Jesus, we all married the same man...they haven't a personality of their own.

ou have been living a little fantasy every time you let him get that close to you, and it's like its own sort of drug, isn't it?

Yes - I was still engaged in wishful thinking - pretending everything was ok for those moments we were enjoying each other - holding hands - felt like old times.

Superesse, you're an angel and so wise. Everything you wrote is accurate. I have no family either. I have one good girlfriend - we spoke a little earlier. She had to fly today so it was limited.

It's my son's birthday and I'm supposed to be in a car right now driving over, but being in a room with my other asshole ex and his family feels unbearable, especially doing it alone.

Not funny story - I once called a crisis hotline and it went to voicemail. I've never called again. That was many years ago. I should give it another try.

If you don't need to have contact with him I would block his number.

He's blocked everywhere but gmail sends them to spam, which I can easily check. So, he's emailing but he's stopped so far for a few hours at least.

I don't think I truly appreciated his level craziness until now. He's truly not fixable. He can't even be bothered to cover his tracks or his compulsion is too strong. I am so out of my depth with this level of madness. It's time to save myself. I've done all I can.

You know intellectually that he's this fucked up, but you don't truly believe it yet. That's a big hurdle and most of us take them showing it several times before we can accept it. No judgment, it's normal. It just shows what a profound mindfuck it all is. It takes the brain a while to absorb that the man we believed in wasn't real. Of course it does. It is all so insane. And it hurts like nothing else, so we try not to see it clearly.

Right when they don't get their way they start the punishing again. Such a vicious cycle.

We can all relate to this and it is so unfair!!! DBMadonna is right, we really all did marry variations of the same man. It’s sad to know that this personality is duplicated so often!

I think the longer you try for a "Hail Mary" with some kind of light-bulb-moment to hit him, or some other kind of miraculous change within him, the more long-term damage you are doing to yourself

I think we can all benefit from learning this.

Skeeter, I hope today is a better day for you!! ❤️

Update

On Monday, 2/17 xh was on his way to his Celebrate Recovery 12-step program. We were talking on the phone & hung up, he immediately calls me back to tell me that the female coworker he went out w/twice texted him & sent me a screenshot when I asked.

After he gets out of class I ask him to text her back & let her know he cannot be her friend (she had said something about them being friends). He hesitated, said he was going to just ignore it and I said no, I need you to tell her you cannot be her friend & send me a screenshot afterward. He then said he needs to think about what to say. An hour goes by & I've heard nothing. We facetime, I bring it up & he's annoyed at me. Another hour goes by & still nothing so I call him & tell him he's putting her feelings ahead of mine or trying to preserve their "friendship", he finally texted her, but the message he sent me was received.

That night my 20-year-old daughter sent me a video of my son being goofy & dancing. This is the same child that I lost to suicide in 9/18, & seeing this video made SO MAD at my xh.

On Thursday I ended things with him for good. I told him I cannot live with the fact that you tried to use my son's death to justify your infidelities & use my grief to manipulate me. If it had just been messaging other women I may have been able to deal with it, but not this. Who does that?!

I went and saw him yesterday to help with the bills & he again asked me if this is what I want and I confirmed it. But it's still so very hard because for some reason I still love him.

It's all part of the act. His being dismissive is a control tactic. He wants you to feel insecure, to keep you stagnating.

Jesus, we all married the same man...they haven't a personality of their own.

Stagnating is such a good word - it's exactly what I'm doing while I'm waiting around for him to change or lingering in limbo - I'm stagnating - not being super productive, not doing great self care, not living a happy confidant life. I don't want to stagnate.

We really did marry the same man - further evidence that this is mental illness - not unique to them or us or our marriages - they are the same strain of mentally ill.

You know intellectually that he's this fucked up, but you don't truly believe it yet. That's a big hurdle and most of us take them showing it several times before we can accept it.

yep - it's so fucking insane - it's not remotely relatable. It's nothing I've experienced, nothing I've seen a friend experience. He went from normal for years to utterly batshit crazy, irrational, disordered, immoral - wtf is this??? He was so normal and functional at work and well-liked in the community, that if I had not accidentally happened upon evidence of his infidelity I would never have believed he was capable and probably never would've snooped - or at least not for another few years.

Skeeter, I hope today is a better day for you!!

Thanks, Somber, it is a better day. First half of yesterday sucked and then thanks to all of your support I came around. I feel crazy sometimes - the ways I respond to his manipulations, the fact that I can still entertain this marriage - it's pretty nuts.

((((Idabel))))

What a fucking douche loser asshole. After everything he's done that he wouldn't instantly text back this work-ho as per your request shows where he's at.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Stay strong and break free - we have to get away from this pain and madness.

Idabel,

He just had to call you back to humble-brag about the naive co-worker. How sweet of him....NOT! More tests to see if he can get a rise out of you and test how vulnerable you are, to get into your good graces... let us puke.

I recently had a similar situation... a month or so back, I decided to extend my hand (just small talk) and he decided to tell me about his going out with his Male friend...He made it a point to humble-brag about how his drunk friend made mention of some slut making eyes at him. The segue was real smooth... "oh and this girl-". My husband-son (I need a better name...taking suggestions) is primping for another night on the town as I type.

Needless to say, his intent was to hurt me. When is it not?!

A Male friend (over social media) snapped me out of it and gave it to be real. He basically told me, that he was just trying to get to me. As simple as it was, to have a males perspective validate my feelings made all the difference in the world.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 9:22 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

Skeeter,

Hang in there. It's a long ride. As you can see, I still have my fuck-ups...thus, my life. I keep hoping he'll cut his balls or asshole with the electric clippers.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 9:25 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

I keep hoping he'll cut his balls or asshole with the electric clippers.

Oh please let this happen!!

It's a long suck-ass ride.