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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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Somber posted 2/10/2020 06:32 AM


That was my response...weíll see where this leads us. I have been reading about trauma bonding and it is making a lot of sense to me. I am trying to see clearly and break that.

DevastatedDee posted 2/10/2020 09:29 AM

Yes, trauma bonding is real. It's very powerful.

Somber posted 2/11/2020 13:31 PM

I donít need more details do I?
My WH is strongly denying a PA with my cousin, my cousin isnít forthcoming with admission but didnít deny it either at first but now denies it...do I really need to know?

Just feeling confused as to whether it matters...it does but does it matter if I know?

DevastatedDee posted 2/11/2020 13:34 PM

Somber, best case scenario is that we all get the absolute truth so that our brains understand what reality is.

Ugh, we almost never do, though. No, it ultimately doesn't change anything. He is who he is and you know who he is. None of this is part of a healthy relationship. That's the main thing that matters. You don't have these issues in a healthy relationship.

Somber posted 2/11/2020 13:51 PM

Thank you! Yes the best case scenario would be to have the full truth so we can be more present in reality and making informed decisions about our life! I hate that I feel like I canít do that, that I can never fully Understand what reality is.

The denials just gets my head spinning and focused on unknown details...itís feels crazy making and stressful.
I also know he is trying to pause or stop the talk of separation and he knows that his relationship with my cousin is a total last straw moment...is it minimizing? Is it denial? Is it truth? No idea anymore....

crazyblindsided posted 2/11/2020 18:40 PM

(((Somber))) I am trauma bonded as well.

that I can never fully Understand what reality is.

Yes it does feel this way and I like what DevastatedDee said that we wouldn't be struggling with this (cognitive dissonance) if we were in a healthy relationship. This is why I no longer care about the full truth anymore. I see his actions, reactions, manipulating, abusive criticisms (he just gave me one the other day that all I do is lay on the couch when I'm off work), and fake promises of a better tomorrow that never comes.

I hate these jerks truly!

idabel posted 2/11/2020 20:03 PM

Well itís final, weíre divorced. No party for me this time around like I did with my 1st exh.

I know itís dumb, but we made plans for Valentineís Day. He bought a puppy on Friday and is now giving it to his adult son because ďheís not worthy and will just mess that up tooĒ. Heís having an enormous pity party. Ugh

I just canít seem to let go. Trauma bonding is real.

Superesse posted 2/11/2020 20:43 PM

idabel!!! Wow, you are waaaay ahead of many of us!! Please don't say "you can't seem to let go" because you just made the biggest jail-break I've ever seen here - since I started reading in 2015. I won't offer you cheerful congratulations since it hurts a lot "at this moment." But look at the future! YOU now get to write the rest of your story, and this kind of sex addiction drama doesn't need to be any more a part of it. (P.S. Let him have his well-earned Pity Party.) But seriously, you are AMAZING!!! (Can I have your autograph?)

Keep posting to SI, on whichever forum you feel you belong, now. I send you my best wishes and will watch for your news.

DevastatedDee posted 2/11/2020 21:16 PM

I was scrolling through the news today and had a massive trigger. One of prostitutes my XWH used the most often was killed in a hit and run. Just her name and face threw me right back to DDay and all I wanted to do was vomit. Haven't had a trigger like that in a long long time. I would like to say I'm a good enough person that I felt badly about her death, but I can't feel anything but nausea at having to see her name and face one more time. She had a twin sister and my XWH frequented the run down trailer they lived in for sex many many times. 5 minutes from our house. He'd go have sex with them and come home to me.

I am SO GLAD to be away from that man.

DevastatedDee posted 2/11/2020 21:19 PM

I had put so much emotional distance between the me shortly post DDay and the me now that I had forgotten how truly sick and awful all that felt. No one should ever go through this. Ever. I wish I could put all of us in a group hug.

DevastatedDee posted 2/11/2020 21:27 PM

Isabel, you are a badass. Never doubt it.

He bought a puppy on Friday and is now giving it to his adult son because ďheís not worthy and will just mess that up tooĒ. Heís having an enormous pity party. Ugh

This is manipulation. He probably does feel sorry for himself, but it's also an attempt to make you feel sorry for him and take care of him because he's so incapable of living like an adult. It's childish.

Superesse posted 2/11/2020 21:47 PM

(((Devastated Dee))) Sending you HUGS! You got out of that mess of a marriage after a long struggle but unlike most, you kept coming here, posting where you used to post, just to offer other spouses of sex addicts your suport, love and empowering perspective. I am really sorry this sordid news hit you so hard. Don't even worry that you cannot feel anything like others might who don't know the particulars. Ugh.

DevastatedDee posted 2/11/2020 21:52 PM

Thank you, Superesse. I just hate that any of us have gone through this.

idabel posted 2/12/2020 17:20 PM

Thank you, I fell like I need to stay here for now so I donít give into temptation and run back to him.

Our divorce was so easy because we agreed on everything and we have no kids together. In OK thereís only a 10 day waiting period for uncontested divorces with no minor children.

Iíve been dealing with this since May, so for 9 months now. Itís the hardest thing ever. I have abandonment issues and thatís one of the reasons why Iím having a hard time breaking all ties with him.

Superesse posted 2/12/2020 17:36 PM

Yes, idabel, stay here for as long as you like. I have. Dee has!

I know what you are saying about having abandonment issues already before we discover we are victimized spouses of sex addicts. I've read how one abandonment seems to lead us to experience another, which to me, is such a mystery, but they tell me it seems to work that way for those of us with FOO "abandonment issues." Like we subconsciously choose people who might not stick around, just to see if THEY will? (Ever heard of that theory? I think it's crazy, myself.) I know that when we are not fully healed from prior wounds, another huge betrayal tends to makes us react to the betrayer much like a drowning person. Again, some other psychologists' theory. Maybe true, maybe not?

Anybody have any better things to say about healing abandonment wounds? I am sure others know what you mean, idabel. I do. But seriously, "You are enough!" Look in the mirror and say this 10 times.....

Hope you held up well, today. One day at a time. Ok?

skeetermooch posted 2/13/2020 00:38 AM

I'm sorry but I have no idea how this thread works - can I just raise a new topic or is that hijacking?

I'll go ahead and hopefully you all will let me know if my etiquette is bad. So, tonight my STBX just had to tell me something: his doctor and therapist both think he has ADD. He thinks that's why he engages in compulsive sexual behavior. Has anyone else heard of this?

whoami62 posted 2/13/2020 07:22 AM

Hi skeetermooch ,
I haven't heard of that , but my husband probably has ADD too. No one has ever diagnosed him , but he is severely dyslexic and certainly had a lot of trouble concentrating as a student , and also as an adult

HeHadADoubleLife posted 2/13/2020 18:10 PM

Dee, I'm so sorry you had to see that! I kinda got a little nauseous just reading it. I've been having a bunch of those gut punch feelings lately. Not something I signed up for, but it seems to be here to stay.

Skeet, we're very informal here, bring up whatever topic you like

Re: your question on ADD - My SA XH would never get formally diagnosed for anything. I mean, getting him to go to the doctor required a potentially life-threatening wound of some kind, and even then, he often thought he could just fix it himself and refused to go.

However, I had long suspected that he might be ADD or ADHD. So no official diagnosis, but a lot of the signs are there (in ways that have nothing to do with his SA). I don't know if there is a strong correlation between attention disorders and SA, but I could see how some people with attention issues might self soothe with compulsive behaviors.

But there are lots of different types of people who self soothe with addictive behaviors - those with attention issues, those with personality disorders, mood disorders etc. Does this means that most SAs have one of those? I don't know, maybe, but I personally think it's more about the way they learned to self soothe as a child.

The grand majority of people with any of the above disorders are not sex addicts. So what is it about the SA's FOO and how they grew up that led them down the path of compulsive sexual behaviors vs. any other type of addiction, or even just leading an addiction free life that just happens to be neuro-atypical?

Is there a connection that you can draw with your husband? I could see how someone who has ADD feels the need to constantly be doing something, but also can't concentrate on one thing for too long, so in my mind someone like that who is undiagnosed, unmedicated etc. then finds some kind of soothing relief from sexual behaviors could easily get sucked into online porn use, with the ability to just click a button and have a completely new sexual visual in front of them in an instant.

I think it is great that your husband is trying to figure out his whys for himself, but I would be wary about talking to him and his therapist. The last thing you need is someone trying to sell you on an excuse for why he has been abusing you. It's good for him to get a handle on his own shit for him, but IME, getting involved in learning about his potential diagnoses will just drag you back in. I mean, as he feeds you this info, are you now starting to think to yourself "Oh, it's ADD! Well maybe if he gets on the right medication, THEN he'll treat me the way he should. It was just the ADD that was in the way!" Really ask yourself if it matters.

I found great peace in researching BPD re: my XH. So many lightbulb moments. So many puzzle pieces falling into place. However, I know with every fiber of my being that a diagnosis doesn't matter, he is still not good for me. The research helped me understand the trauma that I went through. But I cannot and will not allow it to suck me back into the vortex of his victimhood and Jekyll and Hyde nature.

Also, did you yourself talk to his therapist, or is this just info that he is relaying to you? I wouldn't trust a word coming out of your H's mouth right now.

Superesse posted 2/13/2020 21:08 PM

Skeeter, read and re-read HeHadADoubleLife's post!

I had a big long post all ready to submit saying exactly the same thing - probably less clearly than she did, too - and just as I posted it, the server conked out and I lost the whole thing. But like she said, and I've read here, we have many Betrayed Spouses here and on the other SI forums who said they are ADD or BPD, or come from screwed-up, abusive families of origin, and they didn't cheat! So it's no excuse.

Unfortunately, self-knowledge does not automatically equate to long-term ability to change deeply-entrenched patterns and beliefs.

(If you are still NC, this must just have been more of an academic curiousity question, right? I understand, BTDT.)

Mandy7 posted 2/14/2020 05:16 AM

Hi I just need to tell someone today as I canít talk to anyone about this but today is Valentines day and my 6th anniversary of that big D-Day! Weíve been doing great with recovery and reconciliation but having today of all days our anniversary really compounds everything so much more. It seems the stronger we get the harder the memories have hit. I just canít function never mind accept his lovely gestures when the flashbacks and hurt have suddenly exploded back into my head. His idea of today is a massive day to celebrate the start of a fresh, new, healthy, honest life, the day he was saved. I just want to drink myself into unconsciousness and wake up with my memories erased. Thanks for listening xx

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