Dee, I'm so sorry you had to see that! I kinda got a little nauseous just reading it. I've been having a bunch of those gut punch feelings lately. Not something I signed up for, but it seems to be here to stay.
Skeet, we're very informal here, bring up whatever topic you like
Re: your question on ADD - My SA XH would never get formally diagnosed for anything. I mean, getting him to go to the doctor required a potentially life-threatening wound of some kind, and even then, he often thought he could just fix it himself and refused to go.
However, I had long suspected that he might be ADD or ADHD. So no official diagnosis, but a lot of the signs are there (in ways that have nothing to do with his SA). I don't know if there is a strong correlation between attention disorders and SA, but I could see how some people with attention issues might self soothe with compulsive behaviors.
But there are lots of different types of people who self soothe with addictive behaviors - those with attention issues, those with personality disorders, mood disorders etc. Does this means that most SAs have one of those? I don't know, maybe, but I personally think it's more about the way they learned to self soothe as a child.
The grand majority of people with any of the above disorders are not sex addicts. So what is it about the SA's FOO and how they grew up that led them down the path of compulsive sexual behaviors vs. any other type of addiction, or even just leading an addiction free life that just happens to be neuro-atypical?
Is there a connection that you can draw with your husband? I could see how someone who has ADD feels the need to constantly be doing something, but also can't concentrate on one thing for too long, so in my mind someone like that who is undiagnosed, unmedicated etc. then finds some kind of soothing relief from sexual behaviors could easily get sucked into online porn use, with the ability to just click a button and have a completely new sexual visual in front of them in an instant.
I think it is great that your husband is trying to figure out his whys for himself, but I would be wary about talking to him and his therapist. The last thing you need is someone trying to sell you on an excuse for why he has been abusing you. It's good for him to get a handle on his own shit for him, but IME, getting involved in learning about his potential diagnoses will just drag you back in. I mean, as he feeds you this info, are you now starting to think to yourself "Oh, it's ADD! Well maybe if he gets on the right medication, THEN he'll treat me the way he should. It was just the ADD that was in the way!" Really ask yourself if it matters.
I found great peace in researching BPD re: my XH. So many lightbulb moments. So many puzzle pieces falling into place. However, I know with every fiber of my being that a diagnosis doesn't matter, he is still not good for me. The research helped me understand the trauma that I went through. But I cannot and will not allow it to suck me back into the vortex of his victimhood and Jekyll and Hyde nature.
Also, did you yourself talk to his therapist, or is this just info that he is relaying to you? I wouldn't trust a word coming out of your H's mouth right now.