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First relationship in 30's?

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Hobbyist posted 7/21/2019 11:58 AM

So, I recently started dating a woman in her mid 30's, who said she's never been in a relationship before. Last night was our second date, and I was her first (!) kiss. Based on her giggle and kissing skillset, I don't think she's lying, that was her first kiss, haha. She was super cool about it, and welcomed feedback, etc., and I'm pretty darn endeared by her.

The other people I've dated all have broken pasts/trauma, as I do, but ultimately I decide they haven't healed enough for me to continue the relationship. Of course I've had my own healing journey, but ultimately I have to find someone who's past hurts are compatible with my own.

This girl comes along - ticks all the boxes on my "list", and literally no prior hurts/trauma that I know of. And if there are, she's worked through them like a champ and it isn't affecting her anymore. She's a clean slate, essentially. Clearly she has good boundaries, given that she's avoided relationships altogether for over 3 decades!

I'm trying to decide if the mere fact that she hasn't been in a relationship at all is cause for concern? She expressed that she had anxiety about relationships, which has kept her out of them, and now she's trying to change those habits to expand her life a bit. She's got a good job, friends, seems very securely attached and not anything like other people I've dated who don't have kids in their 30's (they've all seemed anxiously attached, too needy).

I worded it to my friend as, "which of us is healthier, myself, who dove into marriage young, had a terrible divorce, and took a lot of therapy to recover, or her, who doesn't have any of that prior relationship hurts/trauma?".

Cooley2here posted 7/21/2019 13:10 PM

There is so much hype out there that we all expect everyone to have a gazillion relationships. I had one serious boyfriend before I met my husband. I loved the guy but realized we weren’t compatible enough for a future. Them met my husband. Some people are okay without a SO in their lives. She sounds like her relationships weren’tnever deep enough to sustain. If she is ok with her past then you should be. Things will either work out or they won’t.

Btw, my husband never had a serious SO until me.

Hobbyist posted 7/22/2019 10:11 AM

So, found out she wants to wait until marriage to have sex. I'm still trying to decide if that's something I want, as that's a long long ways away for me!

WhoTheBleep posted 7/22/2019 12:01 PM

So, found out she wants to wait until marriage to have sex.

Is she an actual virgin? Or one of those born again virgins?

I'm still trying to decide if that's something I want, as that's a long long ways away for me!

Based on some of your past comments/posts, I'm strongly questioning whether or not that will work for you.

For me, that would NEVER work. For so many reasons. Too many variables and unanswered compatibility questions. I would fear rigidity regarding sex. And to wait so long to begin with, her 30's...I'm wondering what psychological issues are at play here. Is there a trauma she hasn't shared with you?

I might sound judgemental, but this sex thing is a red flag for me. I don't understand where she is coming from.

I'm kind of ass backwards maybe. I need the physical compatibility as part of the full package to be able to fully commit emotionally to a man.

Did she go into any detail? Is she hard core by the book Christian? Or other religious restrictions?

EvenKeel posted 7/22/2019 12:39 PM

So, found out she wants to wait until marriage to have sex.
This may be why she has little relationship experience. While there are many folks that have no problem with waiting; there are many that do. So maybe the older she got; the less and less she could find folks willing to wait(pushing her single years higher and higher)?

I would be interested to know about her anxiety over relationships when she never had them. IE what is fueling her anxieties. Usually it is once we are traumatized that we develop more and more anxieties, fears, PTSD or plain-ole defensive mechanisms. Are her parent's still together?

I'm still trying to decide if that's something I want, as that's a long long ways away for me!
Just be honest with her and yourself along the way.

How long have you been dating her?

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 3:23 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

WornDown posted 7/22/2019 14:17 PM

And to wait so long to begin with, her 30's...I'm wondering what psychological issues are at play here. Is there a trauma she hasn't shared with you?

Yeah, that's a bit of a red flag.

I've come to the conclusion (being in my mid 40s), that the people I date are going to have some kind of relationship scars/baggage, and that's ok.

Because at this point in life, if they don't - I really wonder why. How can you be single in your mid-40s and have NOT been burned by a relationship? I'd be more worried about the emotional baggage/maturity they have to have not been in a serious relationship that went south (since they are single).

I'd put the start of that view point in the mid-30s.

Proceed with caution and ask a lot of questions to see if you are comfortable with whatever her reasons/situations are.

Hobbyist posted 7/22/2019 18:42 PM

We've talked quite a bit about it, and yes, she's an actual virgin. I gave her her first kiss the other night... Judging by her skillset on kissing, yes, it was actually her first kiss (or first long kiss at least). We've kissed and cuddled quite a bit, she's definitely wanting to practice and get better, and asks for feedback in a fun, not-awkward way. It actually is kind of nice to cuddle and kiss with someone without it leading straight into the bedroom.

Where I'm thrown off, is she seems SUPER NORMAL! Like, she has a well rounded social life, is attractive, active, etc.. It's the Bible belt, so it's not a foreign concept to wait until marriage, I just figured that was all people up until their early 20's and after that everyone just marries young so they can shag (and subsequently divorce). I know other girls who are waiting, and they're all super religious, only watch PG movies made by Christian producers, etc, and super weird. She doesn't seem like this at all - she likes the same movies I do, and we get along great.

And we do kiss/cuddle quite a bit, and so far that has been good-enough intimacy for both of us. Sex isn't always about the act, for me, just being close to someone is ultimately the need I'm trying to fill, and that can be a clothes-on experience.

But, like you guys mentioned, I am a bit concerned about the emotional development aspect - I've got years upon years of heartbreak and mistakes to draw upon. Her not having experienced love and loss might make it difficult in the long run. Or if it actually works out, and she feels like she never sowed her oats (though she's had plenty of time to do that before now).

She ticks all my other boxes, so for now I'm going to proceed slowly and see where it goes. I have dated quite a bit in the past month, and I've learned quite a bit as well. I've learned that jumping in the sack isn't the best idea for me, and it only leads to people getting hurt. And I've also met quite a few people, and learned how to say "no" when it isn't right, which was hard for me. Out of 10 or so women, she's the only one that's made the mustard, so I'm going to see where it goes, with caution, of course.

Marz posted 7/23/2019 04:12 AM

Better hope she's not the type who is low drive and has a lot of headaches or is tired all the time.

bookworm19 posted 7/23/2019 04:13 AM

This

Where I'm thrown off, is she seems SUPER NORMAL!

Super normal is a red flag in itself. Nobody is normal, whatever that is. Super normal is NOT NORMAL, it is abnormal

Proceed with caution, don't get married too soon, date a bit, she will reveal her other aspects.

No sex before marriage... On what planet... OK, sorry, but what if zou get married and she or you doesn't like it?! This is risky. Date and have fun, but don't jump into anything.
Sorry, I didn't mean to be so negative.

EvenKeel posted 7/23/2019 07:20 AM

I gave her her first kiss the other night
I actually think this is the strange part vs the waiting until M. A few people wait for M based on various factors but they typically have some R experience.

Where I'm thrown off, is she seems SUPER NORMAL!
I don't blame ya. As we know on SI, folks can keep up a façade for a long time (sometimes decades). So how do we ever know for sure.

Lots to think about here Hobbyist. If you do become her first real R, her feelings could be magnified because it is all new to her.

Curious - how did you meet her?

Superesse posted 7/23/2019 07:21 AM

Hobbyist, maybe you have stumbled across a real rarity these days, and maybe, if she is the virgin you are being told she is, she is waiting for someone who wouldn't expect the intimacy benefits of marriage without the commitment.

I am older than most here, but I remember when sexual inexperience wasn't some kind of negative, as it seems to be these days.

WhoTheBleep posted 7/23/2019 07:22 AM

Better hope she's not the type who is low drive and has a lot of headaches or is tired all the time.

OK, sorry, but what if zou get married and she or you doesn't like it?! This is risky

Or what if she is the type that thinks sex is just for procreation.

Also, I just realized you stated you gave her her FIRST KISS. Umm WHAT? Was she chained to a pole in a dungeon her whole life? How the heck do you get to your 30s without even kissing a man? What is her explanation for this? You must have asked. There is something strange going on here.

I forget who said this, maybe Dr Phil, but if the sex is good it makes up 20% of the relationship. If the sex is bad, it's 80% of the relationship. Something like that.

And hobbyist, I had the same thought about her wanting to sow wild oats. There are many schools of thought on this. It is good you are proceeding with eyes wide open and caution. Let us know how this develops.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:25 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 7/23/2019 07:22 AM

No kisses until 30s says one of two things to me: suppressed past sexual trauma or hyperreligious zealotry. Sometimes both.

I dunno, maybe she's that special unicorn who bucks all human trends, but I agree that supet normal is itself abnormal. People can be boring, but aggressively normal is concerning, like they want to fit in above all else, or they are saying what you want to hear. Nobody makes it to 30 without getting a little mud in their tires.

lieshurt posted 7/23/2019 07:55 AM

I gave her her first kiss the other night

I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that.

She expressed that she had anxiety about relationships

Why does she have anxiety about relationships? I think this is what you need to discuss.

LostHope8008 posted 7/23/2019 09:15 AM

It sounds like you have to put a ring on her finger to get laid, then you will have boring sex twice a year for the rest of your life...next.

HappyTree posted 7/23/2019 10:07 AM

So, its important to note that by this age everyone has baggage. Even someone who has never dated, chances are they have baggage because of that. I've dated two guys who were single for over 10 years. They were both way more messed up because of it.

Just warning you about her. She may be really good at dealing with it on her own, but I'm pretty sure she still has some baggage to deal with. Why did she not feel comfortable in relationships?

JanaGreen posted 7/23/2019 12:06 PM


It sounds like you have to put a ring on her finger to get laid, then you will have boring sex twice a year for the rest of your life...next.

Sorry but I agree. If sex is at ALL important to you I'd be careful. I would need to know I was sexually compatible with someone before I made the enormous commitment of marriage.

Hobbyist posted 7/23/2019 13:27 PM

Taking it slow and still deciding if it's even possible for me to wait. I've got all the same thoughts/concerns as everyone else, I'm still trying to figure her out. Time will tell...

LostHope8008 posted 7/23/2019 14:07 PM

Forget your time with this one. Keep your eyes open for someone compatible in ALL categories. If you have to bust a nut, hire a prostitute. It’s a lot cheaper.

Hobbyist posted 7/23/2019 14:15 PM

LOL currently I'm not feeling the urge to bust a nut, but will very soon I'm sure! I'll get to know her a little more before deciding, as I think she's pretty cool so far.

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