"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

traicionada posted 7/16/2019 15:28 PM

Let’s begin with the standard disclosures: 1. I am on the autism spectrum, 2. I don’t actively pursue new relationships, and 3. People often assume that I am a lot younger than my actual age

Now, with the disclosures out of the way, I need y’all to help me debate the pros and cons of bridging the age gap

BTW, both of the running candidates have made their intentions known loud and clear and despite my standard “Aww, thank you! I don’t date younger men” they haven’t gone away yet Most importantly, I am not 100% certain that I want them to go away

LilBlackCat posted 7/16/2019 15:38 PM

I think that if you can find common ground to stand on.. hobby, or interest-wise. You'll be fine.

TrustedHer posted 7/16/2019 16:05 PM

I don't believe I recall you telling me you're on the spectrum before now, and we've been friends for a long time. I have just assumed you are hard-working, driven, focused, intelligent, and slightly introverted. Like a lot of people I know.

I'm 10 years older than My Lady, in case you forgot. Perhaps we should all get together sometime and discuss this.

CaliforniaNative posted 7/16/2019 17:44 PM

It really depends on the person. I have met a 29 year old with a masters degree, flies jet planes for a living, heathy lifestyle, rarely drinks (because of his job) or smokes, easy going/nice and is very physically fit. He only gave me a hug in our first meet up and called to make sure I got home ok. Before that I met a guy 28 who wanted to take me home after one drink and tried to be all over me. So it really depends - make sure you get an idea of what their intentions are. Pro - Fun. Con. They are at a different place in their life

I was going ask how wide of a gap?

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 7:26 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

Phantasmagoria posted 7/16/2019 18:25 PM

How wide a gap?

inconnu posted 7/16/2019 18:40 PM

I think more important than the age gap is what you have in common with either of these men. Do you share common interests? Are they willing to learn about some of your interests, if it's not something they do?

Most importantly, will it be an issue when you go away for a weekend to meet up with your internet ax murderers group?

Shehawk posted 7/16/2019 21:56 PM

I posted this on another thread but I have been watching videos on romantic relationships--like summer school but ABOUT relationships.

Because I figured I needed a remedial education cause I got an F in my 30 plus year marriage. Anyway, I digress.

One of the points I took away from the video was that the best relationships are based on having shared VALUES. And things you are both passionate about. Yep,having shared values around monogamy (with value congruent behavior) would be great too!

Don't know if this might help in your decision making, but wishing you the best in your future relationships.

traicionada posted 7/16/2019 23:59 PM

if you can find common ground to stand on.. hobby, or interest-wise

Not really but we have acquaintances in common. Does that count?

I don't believe I recall you telling me you're on the spectrum before now

Really I know I am highly functional but I often feel like I carry a neon sign that flashes atypical

how wide of a gap?

8-10 years

Most importantly, will it be an issue when you go away for a weekend to meet up with your internet ax murderers group?

They know better! The world knows better than to try to stop me from hanging with my SI tribe

the best relationships are based on having shared VALUES

Oddly enough, they have both gone out their way to point that they’re cradle RC

Queen posted 7/17/2019 07:14 AM

I've dated men who were younger than me by more than 10 years. It was a lot of fun. For me, they never turned into anything serious but it was a great experience. They were some of the more romantic and creative dates I went on especially when compared to the older men. Not that there haven't been some great dates with older men...

Have fun!

Loukas posted 7/17/2019 10:08 AM

Pro - Bam! No pants!

???

TrustedHer posted 7/17/2019 17:28 PM

I often feel like I carry a neon sign that flashes atypical

Atypical does not mean damaged or broken. It means different. It means "not average".

But then, I have a large number of acquaintances who are not average or typical. I often say I collect quirky people. And I generally mean that in a nice way.

In terms of quirkiness, you are pretty far from the top of the quirkiness list.

In any event, yes, I would say highly functional.

traicionada posted 7/18/2019 08:52 AM

It was a lot of fun

Age gap aside, I wouldn’t categorize dating as fun I would put dating in the same category as flossing. The professionals recommend I do it so I do but I would be the first person to volunteer for clinical trials of an alternative

Pro - Bam! No pants!

Ugh! I was too busy obsessing over the age gap to even start obsessing about the other elephants in the room Now, I can stop thinking about them! Ugh! I swear you did this on purpose

Atypical doesn’t mean damage or broken. It means different. It means “not average”

Most days, I am quite happy that my brain works the way it does, especially because it makes me really good at my job and allows me the freedom to help people At the same time, it would be foolish of me to ignore the obvious differences. BTW, you and your Lady are totally #relationshipgoal

lieshurt posted 7/18/2019 09:26 AM

8-10 years

That's not bad. I could handle that age difference. I just can't be with somebody young enough to be my child. Plus, they need to be at a similar point in life as I am.

Now, I consider you to be an amazing, intelligent, driven, beautiful woman that I adore. What do these guys bring to the table? They'll need to be pretty amazing too to be worthy of your time and consideration.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/18/2019 12:58 PM

I am 10 1/2 years senior to my WH - my age and his is not what led to his A. When we met and he pursued me (12 years ago now) I mentioned the age gap and he was not concerned (I too am told I look a lot younger than I am, and he looks a bit older - we've never had anyone think we are very different in age, and when told they are a bit amazed...only then has it been mentioned). I can tell I am older - the skin on my hands is becoming different - the skin on my face is beginning to droop - there are wrinkles appearing that will never leave and will just deepen with time. Although I have been relatively unaffected by the things that people my age complain about (I have no aches or pains, I have about 10 gray hairs total - WAY less than my WH), visible signs of aging are beginning to happen.

We used to (pre-A) talk about all kinds of things and got along really really well. If not for the A, our ages would not matter in relation to how we interract.

That being said, once people have been told of our age gap, a big deal is sometimes made of it. I know his AP carried on and on and on about it, made jokes about my being an old lady, etc (the AP is 7 years younger than him so she is almost 18 years younger than I am). She then made comments about it to other co-workers/friends (they work together and had the same social circle), which garnered jokes about it. Some of that talk, he admits, has jaded his opinion of our age difference. He has said that while it doesn't concern him now, he is afraid that it WILL later.

While some of that is A talk, some of it is true as you get older. If you are just looking for someone to date/have fun with/with nothing serious on the horizon then I say who cares. In the long run, the idea of becoming someone's caretaker, not being physically attracted to them (as shallow as that seems, physical attraction is important to a happy relationship/marriage), and other age-related issues can be difficult. Some people don't care. Some people do.

While I don't believe my WH much anymore, I do believe that when we met and for a long time into our relationship, that he was unconcerned by the age difference. I also believe that he is concerned about it now. Is it a deal breaker for him (we are not in R but if we were)? No. At least not now. Will it be when he's 50 and I'm 60? Or maybe later? Maybe sooner? IDK, but aside from the physical side of it, there is no issue.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:00 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

gardenparty posted 7/26/2019 11:40 AM

10 years is nothing really. I am 21 years older than my SO and we have been together for 10 years. Honestly the people that are bothered by our age gap are those that are not affected by it at all. My kids are the same age as my SO and they are all fine with it. Why it works for us is pretty simple. We enjoy the same life style, activities and people. We are also very well matched in our careers and align fiscally.

traicionada posted 7/28/2019 09:13 AM

Thanks for the insight, y’all!
So far the age gap is only a barrier to those who are aware and like to make a big deal about. Yes, there are some people who have no life like that
I think it is all coming down to lifestyle, having a schedule for everything, including one for “no human interactions between x to y o’clock” helps me relax I know that’s something I am unlikely and unwilling to change because it soothes me
Oh, well! Since I am still on my “school-free year”, I am going to continue this social experiment until it becomes more than what I sign up for

barcher144 posted 7/28/2019 10:03 AM

When I was 27, I briefly dated a woman who was 36. Our primary issue was that she was not sufficiently mature for me. No joke.

I don't think that an age gap is worth considering for a date or two. Go for it! If you have a good time, proceed to a second date; if you don't have a good time, don't go on another date. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Williesmom posted 7/31/2019 15:58 PM

I dated a man that was 10 years younger than me. He was the most mature person that I have EVER met, and helped me wade through so many of my issues in an effective manner. Really wise beyond his years. After the initial discussion, it wasn't an issue.

I think the real issue with us was that he was a different ethnicity - the problem was his more so than mine.

Don't discount them.

HOwever, my nephew is now the same age that guy was when I dated him, and I'm like:

[This message edited by Williesmom at 3:59 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]