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People Finding Out...

squid posted 7/13/2019 11:52 AM

So I got back last week from a trip to to Ireland & London. It was pretty awesome. I went solo through Ireland for 5 days and met up with a friend I hadn't seen in 20 years in London for 3 days. Great time.

Last weekend was playing tennis with a guy I met relatively recently and he asked me about my trip. Then he asked if I went with my wife. In a kind of knee-jerk reaction I said "yes". I don't know why. I've been divorced for 7 months. But I guess I wasn't ready to talk about it.

Today, I was going to play tennis with a guy I've known for about 15 years. We know each other only through tennis but he bikes through my neighborhood and he knows where I live and has even met my XW.

He opened up the conversation today by saying, "hey, man, I didn't know you were divorced. I'm really sorry." I asked how he found out. He said through Facebook. I updated my status to divorced back in December after the D was final. I knew I was going to tell him eventually. But I didn't expect he would find out this way.

In fact, other than my family and a few close friends, no one knows that I'm divorced. And other than my office administrator, I haven't told anybody at work either. I've known most of them for 15 years. Been to their weddings, met their kids. Of the guys on my team was there when I found out my then-wife was pregnant with our 3rd child. But yet I've held off on telling. Still not ready to admit it, I guess.

Just venting. Did anybody else not tell for a long time?

barcher144 posted 7/13/2019 12:15 PM

Did anybody else not tell for a long time?

When my first wife and I separated, I did not tell anyone for almost 2 years. And when I told someone, it was almost by accident that it happened.

I can remember certain people being openly critical of me for never spending time with my wife. I wasn't spending time with her because we were separated -- that is, it was not by my choice.

In one case, a person literally came up to me and apologized for telling me to spend more time with my wife after he found out that we were separated all along.

I think that most people understand that it's hard to tell people that you are divorced. They'll even apologize to you. It's okay. You seem like you are doing fine with a shitty situation. Be well!

Phoenix1 posted 7/13/2019 12:36 PM

At six years post D, I still don't broadcast it. If it comes up specifically in a convo I will tell them, but I don't volunteer it. My 'why' is because I am a very private person (and always have been). I just don't talk about my private life to many people, and even fewer know the gory details. I don't put my relationship status on FB either. Nobody's business.

Don't sweat it, squid. Tell who you want when you want, but with it posted on FB don't be surprised if people ask or say something.

WhoTheBleep posted 7/13/2019 13:04 PM

Once again, I'm with Phoenix. That's how I'm handling it.

No volunteering info, no FB status, etc. If it comes up, I'm honest.

I understand your knee jerk reaction. By saying you went with your wife, you avoided the drawn out explanation of..."no I went alone." Then he asks"your wife was ok with that?" Then you have to explain..."well my wife and I are no longer..." Then he awkwardly says, "oh I'm sorry..." Then you have to respond...etc etc etc.

So a tennis game ends up dragging you down down down...

In my case, I've told my friends to feel free to mention it to other acquaintances anytime it comes up. Saves me the trouble. Grapevine method.

squid posted 7/13/2019 17:02 PM

I'm a pretty private person too. Not so keen on divulging such a painful part of my life. But it kind of poured out when my buddy asked about it. He often travels to where my XW is from for business and understands her culture. It's VERY rare for a wife to want a divorce, barring domestic abuse.

I mentioned the part about her having her mid-life crisis, the infidelity, and her not wanting to put in the work towards repairing the marriage. I guess the dark stuff. He couldn't believe it.

josiep posted 7/14/2019 09:28 AM

I was in London in May. Fun times! But I went with a cousin. Also to Paris and then to northern Italy. 17 days in all.

But I get it about it being hard to tell people. I was standing outside my garage one day and a guy stopped to ask me about the fishing poles that are still hanging on the wall. I don't remember the conversation exactly but I couldn't bring myself to say "divorce" so I said, well, he's gone now. And the guy got all sympathetic before I realized I made it sound like he had died so I had to explain.

Yeah, this divorce from infidelity sucks in everyway imaginable.

squid posted 7/14/2019 11:31 AM


I was in London in May. Fun times! But I went with a cousin. Also to Paris and then to northern Italy. 17 days in all.

Awesome! I wasn't there long enough. I'm so ready to go back!

squid posted 7/14/2019 15:08 PM

I just got back from lunch with my mother and her sisters.

At the end when I was saying my 'goodbyes', one of my aunties (A1) pulled me aside and wanted to talk about how things were with me and my XW. I turned to my other auntie (A2) who was standing right there and asked, "Does she not know?" A2 kind of shrugged, "I guess not". I told A1 that we're not together anymore. Apparently A1 has been seeing XW and church every weekend and every time she asks how the kids and I are doing XW says they're all fine. She's been acting like we're still together, at least that's how A1 describes it.

A1 tried to suggest that maybe she could help with "enriching our marriage". I told her, "We're divorced. She moved out in January". A1 said, "Oh, so you kicked her out". She thought XW was still living at the house and that we were in some kind of IHS. I said, "Well, we are divorced. So separate lives".

A1 asked if there was a possibility of us getting back together. I said, "We just got divorced. I'm not thinking about that right now."

A1 ended the conversation seeming quite disappointed and puzzled at how XW was acting like the last 2 years never happened. She said it's either denial or guilt. I said it's probably a bit of both.

Cheatee posted 7/16/2019 07:13 AM

People found out pretty quickly. And honestly, I never felt like I should be the one to be embarrassed about her behavior. So, I've used the old "I didn't get along well with her boyfriend" line to put it in perspective.

Of course, her explanation is that she just had penetrative sex a few times with some guy and I was too wounded/selfish/weak/sensitive/fragile to see that it was her cry for help.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/18/2019 11:52 AM

Clearly your XWW doesn't want anyone to know about the A. And you don't need to tell anyone about that even if you discuss the D.

I didn't exactly announce the D, but I let people know about it, my friends and family. I don't lead with it when I meet new people, but I don't hide it either. Maybe it is my way of "owning it". It doesn't define me or really affect me at all. It's just part of my life, like i have 3 kids.

squid posted 7/19/2019 15:51 PM

I didn't mention the A to my auntie when I told her about the D. I just said I didn't have much of a choice. She didn't want to be married and didn't want to do any work towards repairing the M.

But I've got the "I wasn't ok with her having a boyfriend" response locked and loaded.

ohforanewme posted 7/20/2019 08:49 AM

Hey squid

I don't have any words of wisdom with respect to the telling thing. The school and community grapevine did such an efficient job of spreading the news, I never had the opportunity to make any decisions in that regard.

What I want to talk about is your trip! Would love to hear about highlights and recommendations.

I have never been to Ireland but would love to. DD and XWW went and loved it. Enthused about the incredible variety of green in the country's nature.

J707 posted 7/20/2019 10:02 AM

It's only been 9 days since my D has been official. All my close friends and family as well as hers know about the A and that we were D'ing. I don't hide it. If somebody asks me how my EXW is, I just simply say we are not together anymore (now I can say we are D). If they say something along the lines of "omg you two were perfect for each other" I throw out the "I didn't get along with her boyfriend" and leave it at that. For me, I have accepted where I am in my life. I think what helped me was her being so coldhearted and ruthless during this whole process. So if someone says sorry, I just tell them that that chapter of my life has ended and I'm starting my new chapter towards a beautiful new life!

squid posted 7/20/2019 10:55 AM


I'm happy to t/j my own thread to talk about Ireland!

I went expecting to see castles, cliffs, and experience wonderful drives down narrow roads through rolling, sheep-freckled countryside. And that's exactly what I got! My trip was shortened and thrown of schedule due to a missed connecting flight but I was able to see quite a bit and get a brief, but fairly satisfying taste of what Ireland is known for.

From my own experience, these are my highlighted suggestions.

Dublin - fantastic walking city. Friendly locals. Vibrant.

Cliffs of Moher (on the west coast) - Majestic. Iconic.

If you're in Killarney have a trek through The Gap of Dunloe. Google it. Roads barely wider than the width of a car. But breathtaking.

Muckross, adjacent to Killarney National Forest was an easy hike and just beautiful.

I was very disappointed that a portion of the road that allowed access to an area of Killarney National Forest called Lady's View was closed. So I wasn't able to hike there. Which is how I discovered The Gap of Dunloe. I was just driving around in my rental car and saw a sign and thought, "What's that?" My most memorable travel accident to date. I literally got lost in the Black Valley where my GPS no longer knew where to direct me. I just turned around and returned from where I came.

There was so much more I wanted to do. I'll save it for another trip. Galway, The Dingle Peninsula, and the Ring of Kerry are all apparently fantastic destinations. I'll definitely return to hike through Lady's View.

And yes, there was plenty of lush, green grass as I drove West out of Dublin along the Wild Atlantic Way.

squid posted 7/20/2019 10:58 AM


So if someone says sorry, I just tell them that that chapter of my life has ended and I'm starting my new chapter towards a beautiful new life!

I'm getting to that point, I think. I was at a gathering of friends last night and was able to talk through stuff about the D with my friends. How my XW was trying to go for financial instruments that she had no legal right to. Just how difficult it all was on my whole family.

J707 posted 7/20/2019 13:26 PM

At first I talked about it to death. My mind had to catch up to my heart. Now I'm at peace with it all. I've grieved the death of our M and relationship that she killed because of her A. With acceptance I will go forward, not hide what she did or hide that I'm D, that's me though. I choose love over hate so I do wish her well in life. I choose love for myself going forward and NC at a minimum is crucial for that.

squid posted 7/20/2019 22:59 PM

At first I talked about it to death.

I feel like that's where I'm at. I kind of vomited out the gory details to my tennis buddy last week and then again to my friend last night. It feels good to get it out there. I didn't cause this mess. I just had no choice but to end the madness.

J707 posted 7/21/2019 15:59 PM

Exactly. I found that if you hold things in, it isn't healthy. Get it out however. I talked about it, would journal my thoughts and wrote songs on my guitar. Anything to get my thoughts out. Releasing it from your mind is very healthy IMO. Just part of this chapter in life.

Alonelyagain posted 7/29/2019 12:22 PM

On Saturday, a guy who I frequently partner up with at kickboxing classes and I know is divorced, commented that my attendance has no longer been consistent. I mentioned to him that I got divorced in December and now have custody of my kids on the days that I used to take classes. We discussed our respective divorces. It felt good to finally discuss this someone other than family. My oldest friend who I had discussed everything with passed away before I could tell him.

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