AlphaSilvr posted 6/7/2019 23:43 PM

It was an interesting night.

My parents wanted the kids tomorrow evening (a dinner party with friend's of theirs that have kids) and to possibly keep them overnight since they pick them up Sunday mornings anyway.

I told the exWW that they were staying there (our agreement basically says if they are staying overnight elsewhere, we have to "approve" it).

She asked to call my eldest DS and talk to him. I would never, nor could I legally anyway, refuse the phone call. So she calls and talks to him, and then asks to talk to me. She tells me that my dad called my son stupid and that it should be his choice whether he stays at his grandparent's house. Told is the wrong word... it was more of a "you better let my son make his own choices or else" type of command.

I am all for talking to him and getting to the bottom of this. It didn't sound like my dad (though he can be rather rough around the edges). Anyway, I didn't like her tone and the way she was berating me, so I hung up.

I talked to my son, and even called my dad and we spoke to him on speaker phone. (We learned the incident was months ago (exWW said "a couple of weeks ago"), and he felt like he was being called stupid, not actually being called stupid). It was a mess. My dad said they don't have to stay the night if DS does not want to, and apologized that he made DS feel like he was calling him stupid.

Backtrack: Earlier today my GF texted the exWW about forgetting DS's medicines yet again (it happens a lot...). I did not want her to do so as trying to have a conversation with the exWW is like trying to convince a brick that its water... its not going to happen. (We talked about her doing this.)

Anyway, exWW's BF (using exWW's phone) texts her back saying that "they will raise their kids the way they want" and she can stop playing at being a step mom. This pissed me off, but again, I would have better luck with the brick.

OK, back to after talking to my dad. I gave in and texted her "I will raise my kids the way I want." Right or wrong, I sent it.

The rest of the evening was the exWW's BF, again using her phone to send messages, threatening me, saying I am a bitch because I am a baker and he is a real man because he works on cars, telling me to speak for myself and keep "[my] bitch's mouth shut".

I told him to stop peacocking around and just laughed.

My favorite was when he said, "what kind of money you make making my donuts?"

I replied with, "Enough to pay you to fix my car."

So he showed he is possessive, she has him wrapped around her finger (he is talking for her, the very thing he accused my GF of doing for me, but didn't), is willing to threaten people, peacocks around and think's he is a man for the sheer fact he works on cars.

Its kinda nice to know my suspicions about the both of them are true... at the same time I fear for my children. She will use them against me, slander, lie and cheat. It also shows what kind of guy she has brought into their lives.

I honestly don't know what to do to help them. My oldest DS is becoming attached to the BF because he is allowed to use power tools to destroy stuff (DS said stuff like bikes... not just random things as far as I can tell). But in his peacocking around he basically called my kids wimps for being afraid of the dark.

I love my children, I just don't know how to handle all of this. I wish I had stuck to NC and said nothing, but I felt some relief fighting back. Past experience says she will twist everything, especially with my kids. I have this gut feeling that by the time they are old enough to choose where they want to live themselves, I will be the villain.

Rustylife posted 6/8/2019 02:36 AM

Nothing much to say expect that Baker is such a cool job. The hours are brutal but being so good at cooking that you're able to do it professionally is awesome.

Don't engage with these losers so much man. And you should tell your GF to let you handle the parenting issues. Only respond if it's necessary for your child. Build a new family for your kids.

Rustylife posted 6/8/2019 02:40 AM

I have this gut feeling that by the time they are old enough to choose where they want to live themselves, I will be the villain

It's not a competition bro. Biggest mistake you could possibly do is keep a track of what is happening in the other house and letting it affect your parenting. Kids deserve unconditional love without any expectation of reciprocation. Be the awesome dad and parent according to your beliefs. It will all be alright from there on.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 2:40 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]

shakentocore posted 6/8/2019 06:34 AM

The best thing you can do is stop from engaging. Your GF (even if she becomes your wife) should not be texting your XW. Ever. Particularly about your children. I don’t care how long you are divorced, if XWW left you - it just begs for drama.

Set a hard boundary with GF now. Don’t shrug your shoulders and say you can’t control what your GF texts....this is your XW and your kids and if she can’t respect that boundary she’s got to go. This drama started because of a mothering “competition” between GF and XW. I don’t see a difference between your GF and your X’s BF in this story - both stick their noses where they both belong.

Stop engaging the boyfriend. He has zero reason to text you. If you think he is behind texts from XWs phone then stop texting. You should stop communicating with XW about anything but kids and money so no need to talk career choices with anyone. (Haha but great reply to him about making enough $)

And if your dad makes your son feel “stupid” in the future, your son should feel safe talking to you about it directly. I think you handled that well, but even better would be if you learned about this from DS and not months later from XW.

AlphaSilvr posted 6/8/2019 12:53 PM

Thank you.

I figured I needed a bit of perspective. My GF admitted she shouldn't have done it. She had her heart in the right place, but now understands that it was a bad idea.

I shouldn't have engaged. I gave in and it felt good to say something back, but I do understand it doesn't do anything. I now have an idea of what kind of guy she brought into our kid's life. I still need some work on NC myself. :)

StillLivin posted 6/8/2019 20:03 PM

You had some really great advice, so I'm not gonna beat a dead horse. Instead, sending a virtual platonic sister hug!

ZenMumWalking posted 6/9/2019 06:19 AM

I know how that can feel good in the moment, but you both really need to focus on how to feel comfortable with not engaging them. Remember that brick and keep making those donuts!!

((((AlphaSilvr))))

HalfTime2017 posted 6/9/2019 17:56 PM

If the BF is threatening you, calling you names, and you have it documented, I would document. You don't have to take it to an attorney, but keep it handy, in case if flares up again. You will have proof, and possibly a way to keep him away from your son.

IrishGirlVA posted 6/11/2019 07:27 AM

My favorite was when he said, "what kind of money you make making my donuts?"

I replied with, "Enough to pay you to fix my car."

Brennan87 posted 6/11/2019 07:57 AM

Alpha,

A couple of things as I've been in your shoes. My wife used to get so angry at me for not "standing up" to my ex. After a few years, she realized that if I did, my ex would make it worse on my daughter. So the only one really paying was the child. As frustrating as it was, I had to bite my tongue. My wife and I agreed, I would handle the communication regarding my daughter. Ironically, my Ex will tell anyone who listens, that we have the best divorce situation EVER. We never fought...……… With that said, our daughter is now 23 and there are strains with her mother as she sees the dynamic that was in place growing up. They are very astute and observant.

As for your profession; this is insecurity on his part. Big deal if he fixes cars. I'm a desk jockey and couldn't bake to save my life, that doesn't make you less than. All professions are needed. He is totally insecure about you for some reason and this is how its coming out. Look over it.... You are better than him.

Brennan87 posted 6/11/2019 07:57 AM

Alpha,

A couple of things as I've been in your shoes. My wife used to get so angry at me for not "standing up" to my ex. After a few years, she realized that if I did, my ex would make it worse on my daughter. So the only one really paying was the child. As frustrating as it was, I had to bite my tongue. My wife and I agreed, I would handle the communication regarding my daughter. Ironically, my Ex will tell anyone who listens, that we have the best divorce situation EVER. We never fought...……… With that said, our daughter is now 23 and there are strains with her mother as she sees the dynamic that was in place growing up. They are very astute and observant.

As for your profession; this is insecurity on his part. Big deal if he fixes cars. I'm a desk jockey and couldn't bake to save my life, that doesn't make you less than. All professions are needed. He is totally insecure about you for some reason and this is how its coming out. Look over it.... You are better than him.

steadychevy posted 6/11/2019 10:23 AM

"Enough to pay you to fix my car."

Fabulous. Mr. Realman, car fixer is insecure. That was such a good response. Damn. LOL.

barcher144 posted 6/11/2019 10:48 AM

So she calls and talks to him, and then asks to talk to me. She tells me that my dad called my son stupid and that it should be his choice whether he stays at his grandparent's house.

I am all for talking to him and getting to the bottom of this. It didn't sound like my dad (though he can be rather rough around the edges).

I talked to my son, and even called my dad and we spoke to him on speaker phone.... he felt like he was being called stupid, not actually being called stupid). It was a mess. My dad said they don't have to stay the night if DS does not want to, and apologized that he made DS feel like he was calling him stupid.

Here is the important parts of your story. Your son had an issue and you demonstrated the proper way to deal with it.

Remember, your son does not listen to what you say. It will, however, watch what you do and imitate it later in life. It's critical, therefore, to do the right thing in front of him.

Earlier today my GF texted the exWW about forgetting DS's medicines yet again (it happens a lot...).

You do not have a good relationship with your ex. Keep your GF out of it completely. Your GF can only make things worse, even if she does the right thing.

OK, back to after talking to my dad. I gave in and texted her "I will raise my kids the way I want." Right or wrong, I sent it.

It was wrong. It probably felt good in the moment. But, it was wrong. Your ex just wants attention. Don't give it to her. Just be a gray rock.

(in the meantime, enjoy the snarky comment as much as you can!)

The rest of the evening was the exWW's BF, again using her phone to send messages, threatening me, saying I am a bitch because I am a baker and he is a real man because he works on cars, telling me to speak for myself and keep "[my] bitch's mouth shut".

Keep these. They are important documentation in case it is ever relevant.

My favorite was when he said, "what kind of money you make making my donuts?"

I replied with, "Enough to pay you to fix my car."

This is terrible gray rock. And a GREAT line. Again, enjoy it, but try to be a gray rock. Thank you for sharing. I am a gray rock much of the time and I so want to make comments like this.

I honestly don't know what to do to help them. My oldest DS is becoming attached to the BF because he is allowed to use power tools to destroy stuff (DS said stuff like bikes... not just random things as far as I can tell). But in his peacocking around he basically called my kids wimps for being afraid of the dark.

This will sound contradictory, but encourage your kids to have a close relationship with your ex (and her BF if he appears to be long term). Your ex's bullshit will eventually offend your kids and they will learn to hate her all on their own.

In contrast, you the right thing. You be a good parent. And your kids will love you.

My niece has a narcissistic mother. She's 22 years old and she does not speak to her mother at all. We often ask on SI when karma will catch up with wayward spouses... the answer is with the kids, usually.

I have this gut feeling that by the time they are old enough to choose where they want to live themselves, I will be the villain.

Only if you do the wrong thing. Again, your kids are watching and imitating, even if they don't want to admit it.

AlphaSilvr posted 6/11/2019 12:51 PM

Thanks again, everyone.

I know I should not have replied or answered, but I did. I admit I made the mistake and take away that I have a better understanding of the guy that is now in my DS's lives.

I keep repeating "like talking to a brick" like it was a mantra. I have a lot of work left on myself yet to do. Some days its 4 steps forward, other days its 4 steps back. I really appreciate the reminders, not only in this thread but everywhere on this forum, that we need to be the best parent possible and not worry about the Xs.

I am proud of who I am. I have dealt with Depression and Anxiety all my life, and it became apparent the XWW is not only using it against me now but also telling her BF for him to use. But I need the constant reminders of ho much better I am doing now and I can be proud of who I am even if they think I am a wimp for my life choices and illness.

I know who I am and I am proud of it. :)

barcher144 posted 6/11/2019 13:44 PM

I know I should not have replied or answered, but I did. I admit I made the mistake

Go easy on yourself. Knowing that you made a mistake and trying to not do it again is enough.

In my experience, it takes practice to bite your tongue... but you can get better at it.

I am proud of who I am. I have dealt with Depression and Anxiety all my life, and it became apparent the XWW is not only using it against me now but also telling her BF for him to use.

My guess is that XWW's behavior substantially contributed to your anxiety and depression, even if you take out the infidelity.

ErinHa posted 6/12/2019 09:41 AM

Hi AlphaSilvr!

I have similar issues with my ex, forgetting meds, being accused of trying to win affection, etc. I know how hard it is to not lose it sometimes, I really do!!

I try to engage as little as possible (but I know what you mean, sometimes it just elevates until it's unbearable). I have him silenced on my text messages so I don't see when they pop up, I interact as little as possible and try to stay out of the drama.

The thing I always ask myself is "what is best for the kids"? For example, my ex just moved back into our old neighborhood, which isn't exactly thrilling for me. But, I know it's best for my son so I just stay positive and focus on the reasons why it's good for him. I would recommend doing the same, even with bf who is teaching him to use power tools, etc. Say to you DS "that's great, maybe you can show me"? This will boost your DS's self esteem. If you are always focusing on your DS's perspective, he will NEVER EVER see you as the villain. In the meantime pea-cock will be bad mouthing you and driving your son away from him. Kids love their parents, they don't want anyone saying anything bad about them. Take the high road always and your son will know you care about HIS needs more than yours. You can't go wrong there.

But, I know it's hard...sometimes I take the bait after over 13 years and I get angry at myself afterwards. Keep sharing here, it's a struggle always!