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Just Found Out :
Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 7:15 PM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2019

Yes she is unhappy in the marriage too, but both of them when i ask say they love each other deeply and don't want to leave the other.

They both come from parents who stuck together till death of one of them so it is ingrained in them to do the same.

My mum blames my dad for loosing his business years ago and causing her to loose her way of living (they lost the house, lost both their savings etc, lost his pension) all because he didn't know when to give up on the failing business. Plus she didn't know it was a failing business or how much debt he was in until he was in his coma and we had to start putting his affairs in order... So she lost all her trust for him then as she learnt how much he'd lied to her. So yes shes resentful for it, it drove her to drink again (she had drunk before then, years and years ago, after her dad died - whom of which she was his nurse :( but managed to give it up) and learnt how selfish he is. He knows she believes its his fault, and knows that it drove her to the bottle again, so i know he felt responsible but nothing he said or did seemed to help her so hes given up :(

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8384964

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 11:41 AM on Thursday, May 30th, 2019

Quick update

I think something may have happened between my dad and OW, she is being very short or even ignoring him in their messages, and today they've not even spoke to each other which they normally have done by now. He is very low in himself too.

I saw messages between him and my mum where he told her he was going to see OW in hospital last thurs, so i'm not sure what he's told my mum about her... wondering if this has something to do with my mum not coming to the BBQ on sunday...

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8385309

BeingNaive ( member #30652) posted at 2:16 PM on Thursday, May 30th, 2019

Bluebox, I feel for you. However, I want you to think about something.

You posted on here on April 9th. It is fastly approaching 2 months since then. You spoke to your father once and nothing changed.

I stand by what I said almost 2 months ago. Deal with this head on, tell your sisters, and start helping your mom through this and with her drinking. I would also tell your Uncle, given your mom's condition.

Your dad has had all this time to further convince himself that OW and him belong together. It's about time he dealt with real consequences.

posts: 280   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2011   ·   location: Michigan
id 8385384

MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, May 30th, 2019

I believe your Mum knows your Dad was cheating, I can't help but think she increased her drinking bc of that.

You are going to worry yourself into a advice you have been given is to face it head on. Tell your Mum you know your Dad is cheating, give her the name of the OW. If not your Mum, tell your sisters so you are not bearing this burden on your own. A problem shared is a problem halved.

Your Dad is already upset with you - once he comes out of the fog, he will feel very guilty for treating you like this.

BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me

posts: 1226   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018   ·   location: Georgia
id 8385407

MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 2:47 PM on Thursday, May 30th, 2019

And yes, it probably did have something to do with why your Mum didn't go to the BBQ. She knows, and is trying to keep it from you and your sisters bc she doesn't want ya'll to hurt for her and be upset with your Dad.

How do you know that the other woman is being short with your Dad?

BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me

posts: 1226   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018   ·   location: Georgia
id 8385409

Edie ( member #26133) posted at 5:18 PM on Thursday, May 30th, 2019

it drove her to drink again

It sounds like she was waiting for the excuse to start again, I’m afraid. So she can blame everything else but herself. It seems you all pussy foot around her... does she take any responsibility for herself, or the family finances, or does she leave both up to everybody else to solve?

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8385505

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:39 PM on Thursday, May 30th, 2019

Bluebox, businesses fail all the time. That is no excuse for drinking. Her drinking is no excuse for his cheating.

You are not in this equation. You need to bow out. Tell you uncle if you feel you need to tell someone and then get on with your life. They have made a mess of theirs. It isn’t your mess. Believe me. I have been in the middle. An adult child who tried to fix things nearly had a breakdown. Be smarter than I was. Let go of it all.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3496   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8385511

Carissima ( member #66330) posted at 8:02 PM on Thursday, May 30th, 2019

Hi Bluebox

I may be wrong here but I get the feeling you may be putting things off to see how things go with OW. If things are as serious as they say and she dies then the affair will be over without you having to take any action and the normal status quo will be resumed without you having to tell your mum.

I do think you should tell your sisters though. You need the support and they should help you with the burden of you mum's drinking if nothing else.

posts: 961   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2018
id 8385599

josiep ( member #58593) posted at 11:52 PM on Thursday, May 30th, 2019

Well, I have a new idea. (I see you all running for the exits......:)

How about you and your siblings plan a vacation getaway surprise for your parents. A weekend somewhere quiet and peaceful. Maybe a mountain hideaway. "Kidnap" them and drop them off and say you'll be back 2 nights later to pick them up. A place with no internet. They'll either have a huge row and call it quits or they'll actually talk to each other and get to a better place.

Remember that the end goal here is for them each to feel peace.

I know this is unrealistic but doesn't it just seem sometimes that if people would just sit down and really talk to each, things would be so much better?

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3141   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8385685

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 5:12 PM on Friday, May 31st, 2019

I have a slightly different take here. You are not the BS, but the child, so I can see why it would be hard for you to make some demands of your dad b/c there has always been a power imbalance in this case. In addition to being your dad, he also supplies you with work, which also makes it tough for you.

In the meantime, you're being tormented by the "what ifs" that may happen should the truth be told. If someone was to relapse, get ill, be hospitalized, you would blame yourself and feel guilty. Just remember, you did nothing wrong here, its your Dad, OW, and I'll have to admit partially your mom's own fault. Before everyone jumps on me, I'm not blaming her mum for the Affair, but there def. has some huge breakdowns in the marriage. How does a wife get upset if her husband ends his metal hunting early and comes home but his wife doesn't want him there b/c she likes and expect her alone time? The def. in culpability for all three parties.

Bluebox, you need some support, so I'd talk to your sister. Afterall, you really don't know what they'll say or do until you speak with them. Speak with them, and together you guys can come up with a solution as a team. I will add, together you and your sister can approach the OW, and demand that she leave your "FAMILY" alone. Not your Dad, but your family.

posts: 1363   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8385981

Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 5:57 PM on Tuesday, June 4th, 2019

Hi Blue! You have been quiet for almost a week. How are you doing? Are you OK?

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8387949

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 9:32 PM on Thursday, June 6th, 2019

Hey Odonna, apologies for radio silence i have been up to my eyeball in work, and also fighting a cold. OW is out of hospital as they needed the bed. Still very poorly, but I am still wanting to speak to her when i see her. I'm seeing my mum on Tuesday, I've avoided my dad as much as possibly this week, as he's starting to go back to normal with how he is with me, but i'm not ready to be nice with him yet.

I had a visit from a business associate of ours today, upset at how my dad had spoken to her on FB infront of all our business associates (business club members group) I managed to put her mind at ease after explaining how he has treated me the last few years etc. I didn't tell her the truth of whats going on now, as wanted to stay professional, however i feel better i have an ally up at the office now.

It's fathers day next Sunday and i am torn on what to do... If i don't get him anything it'll certainly flag it up to my sisters, but i dont feel like hes my dad at the moment. I'm thinking printing some family photos and mounting them in his office when he's not there... remind him what hes throwing away.

I've still been monitoring, but theres not been anything for over a week now that would suggest they're more than friends, but i'll see how i get on with my mum Tuesday... And seeing my dad and sisters next sunday...

Yes i regret not outing him to someone as soon as i found out now, but i just couldn't go through with it, my strength is building now as i have got myself more work from else where, and the more other people see his true nature and point it out to me the more it helps me know i'm right in what i'm doing/saying.

I'll post once something has happened, i'm just so busy at the moment my head is mashed.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8389121

k8la ( member #38408) posted at 9:42 PM on Thursday, June 6th, 2019

I would suggest a nicely wrapped copy of "Not Just Friends" as a father's day gift.

posts: 1462   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2013
id 8389129

Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 2:33 AM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2019

How did your visit with your mum go today? Have you told her?

Just thinking about you!

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8391352

Western ( member #46653) posted at 2:36 AM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2019

expose all. We've been at this how long ?

You owe nothing to your Dad at this point with how he has treated you.

Blow him up

posts: 3575   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8391356

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 11:30 AM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2019

Its hard hating someone I love, I feel hate towards him then get upset for feeling that way, because I do love him, he's my dad, we have been close for 35 years! I see him practically every day normally, but I am avoiding him as much as I can at the moment as it hurts.

I saw my mum yesterday, I tried to tell her, I told her me and dad have fallen out, told her shes better off without. Told her he cares more about his business club and the women that work there than he does his own family. She is so damaged by her depression, the look on her face constantly was heart breaking, even when talking about other things, i could tell she was constantly on the verge of tears. She suffers bad with insomnia too, so she had only got herself to sleep about 5am and we were out for 12 noon.

She said she has thought about leaving, go stay with my grandma for a bit, but she said if she leaves then thats it theres no going back. And she thinks her mum will pass away soon, so staying there long term wouldn't be an option. I said it doesn't need to be, once your over the initial hard part, and start rebuilding your life you might be able to afford a small 1 bedroom somewhere to start you off.

OW is back in work :/ I walked passed where her desk is yesterday, faking being on the phone and just said 'nah i'll just expose her all over facebook, i'm not bothered anymore' I hope she heard, i really do, but what good it'd do I don't know.

I will keep trying with my mum, but at the moment its taking all my mental strength to keep my head on work and not have a complete melt down. I'm too busy to loose it :( I have too many bills to pay.

I keep having dreams about the exposure... Someone always dies in it through suicide, be that my mum, my dad, both, me. Its horrific!

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8391494

MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 2:15 PM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2019


It is a very difficult situation. As you can tell, your Mum knows. She knows and is medicating herself with alcohol. Because you are under so much stress, I urge you to share this burden with one or all of your sisters.

Ultimately, you can not control anyone but yourself. So my suggestion is to get into an Al-non group, at the very least, it will help you to deal with your Mum's drinking.

Many feels for you!

BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me

posts: 1226   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018   ·   location: Georgia
id 8391572

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:31 PM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2019

What does her medical doctor say? Do you have access to any kind of alcohol rehab facilities? Depending on how far the alcoholism has gone, sometimes medical intervention is needed in order for a person to stop drinking safely. Is your mom that far gone?.. and if so, what options are available?

Ultimately, MamaDragon is correct. You can't control anyone other than yourself. Al Anon would be a good place to start getting some support for yourself, and maybe more information as well.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5945   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8391582

Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 8:52 PM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2019

Have you talked to your uncle and aunt? Or your sister? You do need an ally. You do not have to be alone in this. Keep trying to tell your mum. I understand how reluctant you are to be a catalyst in this, but what if one of your sisters had known about your XWH’s infidelity and did not tell you?

Wishing you strength!

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8391831

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 2:11 PM on Friday, June 14th, 2019

Well my dad seems to be trying to get things back to normal with me, talking how he used to, no more silent treatment from him... I am still only speaking to him when i must, and only about work. OW tried to be friendly with me yesterday!! Said Morning to me when i arrived, i gave her a sarcastic smirk then carried on walking stone-faced. She even parked in my parking spot so i had to park a 5 min walk away!! She normally parks on the Road with her disabled pass so why she's now parking in our private car park is stupid!!

Today, as I was leaving she said to me 'you off then?' I just nodded my head once and carried on walking. She then said something else can't remember what, I turned and said 'i don't want to talk to you thanks'and turned to carry on she said 'whys that?' (The cheek of her!! And I could hear the smirk in her mouth) I said 'why do you think?' Then walked off, just as I was about to head through the door I shouted back 'HOMEWRECKER' and left just waiting for the backlash now... but i regret saying more, i've played it out in my head so many times what i want to say to her, i had the perfect opportunity and thats all i got out, my mind went blank in the moment :/

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8392674
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