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Just Found Out :
Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 1:50 PM on Saturday, May 11th, 2019

I know this is your weekend away with your mum. I hope it is going well. I am thinking of you!

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8376634

MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 3:34 PM on Thursday, May 16th, 2019

How are you doing?

BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me

posts: 1226   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018   ·   location: Georgia
id 8379058

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 10:45 AM on Friday, May 17th, 2019

Sorry I've not been in touch, nothing much to say really, I spoke to my mum about my dad, but not any details. Just spoke about would she not be happier without the stress he causes as she was saying how selfish he is etc, but she said she can't, said she can't see a life without him, and needs him, she loves him... She was so low in herself, didn't want to do anything i had to drag her out sightseeing. Each night it was a bottle of wine for her, i purposefully didn't in the hope she wouldn't too but its her usual evening ritual, with our last night she had 2 bottles :(

I messaged my sister whilst i was there, and planted a seed with her that all is not well, that dads given up on mum and enjoying all the attention from the women at work all too much. I am close to telling her but i know the devastation it will cause and the thought of putting my younger sister through that is horrid.

My uncle is on holiday for 2 weeks so can't speak to him at the moment.

My dad has stopped speaking to me unless absolutely necessary. Meaning he's also stopped giving me work :( my bank account is suffering, but i am trying to get work elsewhere.

He has just had some bad news about a cousin he is close to, that he has about 3-4 weeks to live. So he is marrying his long term partner before he passes. So my dad is going away for the wedding then taking some 'me' time for that weekend, cancelling plans we had at my sisters..

OW is in hospital too, very poorly with her condition and very emotional hardly speaking to my dad or her best mate at our office.

Myself, I am in a bad way, i put on a brave face but dread every day, i'm worried about my finances, I can't get over him choosing to carry on with her over me and mum and his family.

I know they are in lust, and i know the more i push it the closer they will become, but i think that will happen when i out him aswel :'( I'll be destroying my family and my career in one swoop all because of him :(

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8379521

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 11:07 AM on Friday, May 17th, 2019

Oh yeah and i'm pretty sure my dad is blaming me on the OW being hospital bound now...

He didn't go and stay at hers the first night my mum was away and he was working alot over the weekend so don't know if he spent any quality time with her. I'm not even sure she knew my mum was away with me...

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8379525

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:51 AM on Friday, May 17th, 2019

Gently, your mother is an alcoholic. Their addiction owns them. Alcohol is a depressant so her sadness is exacerbated by her drinking. I have seen several families broken up because of addictions. I do not excuse your father but a sober woman paying attention to him must feel like a breath of fresh air. You are not in their marriage. It appears to be an unhappy one. You have done the best you could but your father is not going to give up the OW. This is the time for you to let the rest of the family know and then bow out.

I am the adult child of a cheater. I did not know my mother had found someone else I just knew I kept being sucked into the middle and I was the one who nearly had the breakdown and it didn’t change a thing. They still got divorced.

Get on with your life. It is the only one you control

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3608   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8379562

bookworm19 ( member #54871) posted at 12:13 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019

I'm sorry for your situation, this is really hard for you. Sadly I have to agree with Cooley2here, your mother has an alcohol problem. The problem with alcohol is, that it makes you feel "better" at the beginning because it numbs everything. But later on, and 2 bottles (even1!) is really very "later on" just makes you feel down.

As others have already mentioned, you probably should step back. I understand you are feeling protective of your mother and angry at your dad, but it's their life and marriage, you really can't fix it for them, you can't force your dad to do anything, not with guilt or shame or decency, it's their call. Sadly. Sometimes we are forced to watch people we love most driving off the cliff, I have seen it too many times. After the crash, I just help to put together the pieces, not even resentful for not listening to me. The best would be to detangle yourself professionally from your father. I wish you all the luck you can manage to stand. Big hug from me.

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 2:39 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...

posts: 447   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2016   ·   location: Europe
id 8379566

Questioningall ( member #43959) posted at 12:52 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019

Find some Al Anon meetings in your area and start going. It really does help. Alcoholism affects everyone in the family and it’s taking its toll on you.

Are you self employed and want to stay that way or are you looking for a job working for someone else? If you’re self employed, would you consider getting a job at a company, at least for now, to get back on your feet financially and get away from your dad’s business?

Me-BS 57
Him-WS 57 Sorrowfulmate
Married 30 years, 5 kids
Dday #1 12/12 He made up a ONS
Dday #2. 3/14 EAs, 3 ONS, 2 LTA

Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

posts: 588   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2014
id 8379576

ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 2:42 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019

Bluebox, I mean this in the nicest way possible... I think you think too much of yourself. You think it's somehow possible for you to single handedly save everyone from their shitty choices and the repercussions that follow.

You cannot prevent your dad from having an affair.

You cannot control the OW's relationships with your dad and her BF.

You cannot make your mother stop drinking.

You cannot save your parent's marriage.

You cannot protect your sisters from your dad's actions.


All that you're doing is driving yourself crazy trying to fix things that you can't.

Expose the affair. It will come out eventually. Say you don't condone it and don't appreciate your father trying to make you complicit.

And then focus on yourself.

Find work. Be a good daughter and sister. Offer to go with your mom to AA meetings. If she won't go, go on your own.

But please. For your own sake, stop believing that you somehow are responsible for your mother's alcoholism, your father's affair, your sister's relationships with your dad...

The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. They all have the ability to make their own (sometimes shitty) choices, and that's what they're doing.

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 2033   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8379609

MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 4:11 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019

*hugs* Ibonnie said it best.

Find an al-non group, invite your Dad - it might open up the communication between the two of you.

The stress is not good for you. Open up about the affairs and let the chips fall where they may.

YOU are not tearing your family apart. Your Mom's alcohol use and your Dad's affair is doing that - and you are caught in the middle. Don't keep secrets any longer.

Take care of yourself. You are the only one you can control.

BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me

posts: 1226   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018   ·   location: Georgia
id 8379651

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:31 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019

I agree with ibonnie and Cooley.

I know they are in lust, and i know the more i push it the closer they will become, but i think that will happen when i out him aswel :'( I'll be destroying my family and my career in one swoop all because of him :(

Bluebox, you ARE NOT destroying anything. It's your father's choice to threaten your career. It's his choice to give you less work right now even when you aren't rocking the boat. It's his choice to cheat and drag you into this by cheating in front of you. NONE of this is your choice or your doing. You are not destroying anything by being honest.

posts: 5166   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8379696

MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 6:54 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019

In all honesty, I can't help but think your Mother already knows her husband is cheating and she is drinking to deal with it.

Al-non would help you greatly.

Your Dad thinks he can control you by not sending work your way - cheaters are often selfish (even when in the past he would not have been this way). I'm glad you are looking for work outside of your Father.

The OW sounds like she is having a case of the 'guilts'. She know she was poaching a married man.

Good luck and many hugs

BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me

posts: 1226   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2018   ·   location: Georgia
id 8379764

Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 11:06 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019

Blue, I just want to give you my greetings and support today. I am really sorry your family dynamics are so fraught. But you have gotten some great advice here to release any sense of responsibility you may feel you have to fix things. You cannot. So tell the truth and be there to help your mom and your sisters when the fall-out from your father’s horrible choices hits.

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8379881

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 5:57 PM on Saturday, May 18th, 2019

Thanks everyone. I have the plan laid out in front of me of what i'm going to do. I was unsure on how things were with my dad and OW but I have today seen a message that has shaken me up and made me see the light to expose my dad. I did everything i could but he is too far in the fog to see. My uncle is away until friday, friday my dad has his cousins wedding (the terminally ill one) and then goes away for the weekend... that is when i'm going to tell my mum. That gives me this week to get everything of mine out of my office. To print off the evidence of the affair as proof.

I have been searching for jobs but nothing has come up so far :( but i am also continuing to grow my own self employment business. I am actively touting for business rather than just getting it from my dad. But he still owes me £830 :( I have a large printer of his in my dining room as we couldn't get it in the office so i'm undecided what to do with that. Its in the way, but i can use it for my own work, but it is his. I make money off having it here, but then know it'll be a big problem for him if i just deliver it to the office for him to sort and part of me wants to do that too.

So my plan is to go see my uncle & auntie on Saturday (as they are both very close to my mum - so her support network) and ask them to come with me to tell mum... if they don't then i'll go alone

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8380085

Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 6:41 PM on Saturday, May 18th, 2019

Wow, you are being so strong! I know this has been a learning curve for you in dealing with family drama, but you have stepped up to the plate. As hard and painful as this will be, you should take pride in your own conduct. You have been trying to balance compassion and outrage and that is hard to do, especially with your mum’s alcoholism.

Will you talk with her early in the day so she will be sober? Do you plan to enlist your sisters at all or will you tell them afterwards? Will you show your mum the proof or just tell her? Can you share with us the final proof you got (is OW still on the hospital? Are they planning a life together?) If your mum falls apart what is the plan, as she should not be alone. I remember you said you worried she might harm herself.

Lots of decisions here. Let us help if we can.

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8380101

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 7:42 PM on Saturday, May 18th, 2019

Thanks Odonna, I still can't believe what he is doing :( I trusted him and respected him whole heartedly and now i feel so angry at him yet still care about him and don't want him to go through what hes about to but i gave him more than 1 chance.

I will go to see my Aunt and Uncle early in the morning, give them time to process whilst i'm there, I will take the proof with me so i can show them if needed. Same when i go speak to mum, i'll have it with me and if she asks then i'll show her. I won't tell my sisters unless my mum wants me too, she might not want them to know, thats her decision. OW is still in hospital, but absense has made the heart grow stronger between her and my dad. He sent her a long message I missed part of it in a photo before he deleted it:

" to know I reflect back at least the same amount of love from me to you too. I've said before - I am not (OWexH), and will never treat you like he did... I am happy that you have such a great friendship with (male friend), as he has in you.

I told you today you could tell (male friend) about us... I meant it my love. Your mum already knows, so bumping into her would not be awkward in any way. But at some stage (male friend) and I will meet; and i think it only fair to each of us that he is aware not just of your feelings towards me - but mine to you also - in advance of that meeting. If that leads to (my mum/BS) finding out then so be it. I am proud of you and my love for you. So don't feel bad if it ever got out, but I wouldn't expect it to anyway.

Darling, my heart was breaking to see you so ill today and not be able to do anything to help you. I was happy simply to be there, and expected nothing back from you in return, that is what love is.

I know right now you are suffering immeasurably, and you rightly have little patience for visitors (I know how that feels believe me). But know that my love for you grows more each day, and I can't wait until you are fit and well again; and back in my arms. We were brought together to share our love and to heal each other, and I am so pleased we were.

Darling, I love you... I truly do... you now have a symbol of my heart to prove it. Hold it when you think of me. xxxxxx"

I will try and get my mum to go stay with my aunt and uncle for a bit whilst the full explosion happens. The aftermath will all be part of the conversation I have with them before hand. I will also suggest the spare room at my grandmas for her...

[This message edited by Bluebox at 2:24 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8380117

Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 8:43 PM on Saturday, May 18th, 2019

Oh my, that makes my stomach hurt... it must be really hard for you to read those words of your Dad’s directed to OW.

I know you love your dad, and once, hopefully, he was an honorable man, but this callous disregard for his family is just sickening (hence the stomach ache...). So is the “male friend” he references someone that knows your mum? I did not understand how that friend’s knowledge might get back to your mum. But it is your Dad’s job to tell her; it is cowardly of him to wait until some outsider tips over your mum’s world. And it is cruel to put you in the position of doing so. He really seems to believe he has you cowed!

In the end, I am glad you have clear proof so that your mum will not have to deal with denials and gaslighting. The bandaid will get ripped off all at once, which is horrible when it happens but which thankfully avoids doubt and limbo.

Good for you for being so strong and such a good daughter. One day I hope your dad will wake up and thank you.

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8380137

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 8:54 PM on Saturday, May 18th, 2019

I was shaking as I read it. His decision has been made reading that :( I don't know who OW friend is, maybe its someone who knows other people they both know and might not keep it quiet, not sure.

Since reading that I have seen a message to all his Reiki friends (Hes a qualified Reiki healer) asking them all to send healing to her in hospital as she has taken a turn for the worse. Her blood has become infected and with her already weak immune system because of her illnesses she is struggling to fight it and scared... I think they're both starting to worry she might not come out of this...

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8380140

Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 11:49 PM on Saturday, May 18th, 2019

Are you talking about sepsis? That is very serious. I would never wish for her death, and I know you would not either, but you are correct that her Illness is ramping up your dad’s devotion. Have you considered that you might not be able to wait a week to deal with this? What happens if she does succumb to her illness?

I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Hugs to you!

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8380196

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 5:54 PM on Sunday, May 19th, 2019

Bluebox, one thing that really bothers me is your not seeing how your mother's alcoholism has destroyed the family. It's hell to live with that. Two of my brother's were heroin addicts turned alcoholic and my oldest brother smoked marijuana heavily and drank heavily to his death. My other brother drank himself to his death also. Trust me, it happens. This is real.

I understand what it is like growing up with and then living with this my whole life, until recently. Oh yes, my WH also turned to alcohol to numb his pain. Go figure.

So much time was spent trying to get them to stop doing drugs, to stop drinking, to stop smoking, to stop this and to stop that, that mine and several of my other brothers and sister's lives were forgotten. We were forgotten so that we could focus on trying to get them to stop their destructive patterns. To try and fix their problems that they didn't want to fix. It got soooooo old.

I am against the choices your dad has made but who doesn't make poor choices in such a sick environment? Very poor living conditions? I'm sure your dad has spent year's trying to get your mother to stop drinking alcohol but your mother has chosen not to. This also has been her choice. It is her choice to drink, you know. She has gotten so much (negative) attention from her drinking, brings me back and really disgusts me. Your mother's choice to drink has ruined your family. You dad is so frustrated and lonely that he made a choice to step out of the marriage and seek comfort from another women. Is it the right answer? No! But has it been right that your mother has carried on this way for so many years and has caused so much strife? To have to live with your mother's shit day in and day out for so many years has not been fair to any of you. And your father. I'm sorry but I also would give your mother an ultimatum, either quit drinking or I am also done with you. You are killing yourself and I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself (and the family) anymore. Tough love. How do the other family members feel about your mother's drinking?

My advice is going to be different than the others. You can not control and change what is about to happen. Your mother has already told you that she can't live without your father. She told you this. And she expects your father to continue putting up with her shit. He is done. He wants to find happiness. He doesn't want to watch your mother continue to destroy herself and the family anymore. This is a very sick situation.

My suggestion is to back off and spend your time taking care of your needs for now. Maybe text or talk to your dad and tell him how sorry you are that he's had to deal with your mother's drinking and her behavior for years and you understand how he is done with it and only wants to be happy. Please have compassion for your father. You need to understand that your mother has checked out of the marriage years ago. Until she quits drinking and gets help, she is just a shell of who she was. Not fair to anyone.

I can pretty much play out the scene of what is going to happen next. You tell your mother, mother gets angry and doesn't believe you, dad leaves for OW, you get blamed for all of this. Remember, not everything in life is for you to fix. This one is out of your hands.

This is my suggestion to you. Forget saying anything right now and just allow the broken pieces to drop where they may. Look at the situation for what it is. In the meantime, use this time and energy to get your life in order and build a life for yourself. I find it very interesting to see this unfold from my point of view. You also have a role in this sick play. Your role is the fixer and protector. You want to try and fix and control the outcome. Nope. Not going to happen. This problem is way to big for you to handle.

There are many ways to approach this situation you are a part of but I also feel you need to have more clarity. You can tell your uncle and sisters and all of you decide what to do, to tell or not to tell your very sick alcoholic mother. Talk to your father about what he plans to do with this situation. Or you can do nothing and focus on yourself and your needs. It is really up to you to decide how to handle this. Just because the majority says to do one thing (tell your mother) doesn't mean it's the best choice and right answer in this case.

Do yourself a favor and take a step back from this situation and think about the right answer. Remember, you are also sick because of having to put up with your mother's alcoholism and your father's unhappiness in his marriage. Think about it this way, your father is done playing second fiddle to your mother's affair, her first love...alcohol. She has put her love of alcohol above all of you for a very long time. Your father is done. Do you really blame him?

posts: 874   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8380416

 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 7:38 PM on Sunday, May 19th, 2019

Odonna, I will have to wait until my mums support network is back in the country, both my Aunt & Uncle and my sister are all away, we'll need all the help we can get.

Hurtmyheart, I do see where you are coming from somewhat, however i don't see my mum as a bad alcoholic, for my dad its worse because he doesn't drink, so any amount of alcohol is going to grind on him. I do have sympathy for him with that and the non sexual contact, but he's going about it all in the wrong way. He's given up on her without even trying the basics Al Anon, MC etc. Her drinking & no sexual contact (according to my dad) started predominantly when he was really poorly and ended up in a coma. We were told he was unlikely to make it and had to start getting his affairs in order just incase, we learnt he was about 250k in debt that my mum had no idea about... so she learnt a very harsh lesson about how much he can lie to her :( Since then she's struggled with her drinking and her weight, both of which have made her depression worse and worse over time.

She doesn't get absolutely sloshed, we're talking a bottle of wine a night (yes i know that's not good, but could be a lot lot worse) with the occasional 2 bottles happening. I went through a couple of years doing the same, and i know of others who all have a bottle of wine a night as the norm. So i don't see it as the cause of all this, but I do see its certainly a factor as it's an issue for my dad. She doesn't listen to him trying to stop her drinking as deep down she blames him for what happened, and he knows it. He was very silly with his money, and business, over spending when unnecessary which lead to his debt, which lead to them loosing their house etc. And ultimately what probably lead to him almost dying and the truth being revealed.

The truth of it on my point of view now is i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't. I feel sorry for him for what is coming, it brings me to tears just thinking about it, but so does thinking about my mum when she finds out. So i know when i drop this bomb i am going to be hurting both my parents who i love dearly... But if i don't it will continue to destroy me and will probably come out anyway as he's getting sloppy! I believe he wants it to come out some other way than him telling my mum as he's too coward to do it himself.

He told me he will never leave my mum, he loves her too much and needs to protect her... yet now he's telling OW how much he loves her and they're meant for each other?! It's all such a horrid mess :(

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8380467
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