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Long Term Affairs Part 39

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Tallgirl posted 11/27/2019 13:23 PM

Shattered. I say. WTF with you. That is crazy. Logic defies. Welcome...

Hope you all have fun prepping for thanksgiving.

I am on the start of my three day visit for my sons grad. Being pretty much bitchy.

I am starting to think this is not just a mind fuck. It is a life time mind fuck.

WH took his phone to the bathroom. Guess he doesnít want me to see it. You gotta know this is coming up tonight.

Toasting you all. Wine not!!

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/27/2019 14:06 PM

Ahhh the old "take the phone with you everywhere" trick. Because that will NEVER look suspicious...

That and the old "always put the phone down with the screen facing down" trick.

Yep. They are smart as hell, those cheaters....

Chaos posted 11/27/2019 14:08 PM

WhyAgainWhyHer don't forget the old "fastest trigger finger in the old west when it comes to the lock screen trick".

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/27/2019 14:18 PM

oh yes, Chaos, I did forget to mention that one!

ShatteredSakura posted 11/27/2019 14:19 PM

She did dump him for a few years in there. But they got back together, he is a fool.

IMO, for my love birds, they're both fools. They constantly broke up and got back together when it was just the two of them. ExWW is a triple threat: doesn't do chores, doesn't cook, doesn't drive - basically dependent on the people around her and chronically depressed. She seems to be (and actually admitted) she's happiest when the relationship is all about the passion and dates. She's a taker, and boy did things start deteriorating when I became "Dr. No" and started demanding more from her.

Even before the PA I told her that I felt like he was a vulture, waiting for something to happen to me. Well, he's going to have those same problems with her now (and they had those problems when they were together).

Why can't these people leave us alone and have their own lives. At least I might have had a fighting chance having a "stereotypical lazy husband" for a wife. But I had someone that sat on the sidelines constantly whispering in her ear how much greener things are on the other side of the fence.

Tomorrow I'll raise a big glass and toast you [face it - I'll toast you all repeatedly] in proper LTA thread welcome.


But which glass of wine will you raise? The one in front of you or the one farthest from you? And will there be any Australians present at the table?

Shattered. I say. WTF with you. That is crazy. Logic defies. Welcome...

Well I enabled her, so a lot of the WTF is on my shoulders too. If I just left like a normal person before things got so bad I at least would not have went through the pain and misery I did, or best-case may have shocked her to actually commit to me like how I committed to her. Although, my worst fear I think still would've been realized (that giving her an ultimatum and leaving her to show how serious I took her bad boundaries with her "just a friend" ex would have only hastened her flying into his arms).

I fell in love with a troubled/immature woman and I tried to make it work (afterall there are a lot of good qualities about her too). I don't like to think of people being disposable either (ironically that's what happened to me), we both have our flaws so lets talk and work through them...but the condition is no ex-BF...so nope, no deal from her end. She "tried really hard to let him go" several times, her words. REALLY hard

For me, the lifetime mindfuck might be that I'm not sure if I can do this sort of commitment again for another woman.

Anyways, Happy Thanksgiving all. If you saw my thread in General the other day, Thanksgiving is the day I proposed to her 5 years ago, so this week has been me venting a lot or feeling anxious. I'll be with my parents and good food tomorrow though, so at least there's that.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/27/2019 14:25 PM

Ahhh the old "take the phone with you everywhere" trick. Because that will NEVER look suspicious...
That and the old "always put the phone down with the screen facing down" trick.

Yep. They are smart as hell, those cheaters....

WhyAgainWhyHer don't forget the old "fastest trigger finger in the old west when it comes to the lock screen trick".

ExWW is glued to her phone constantly. And yep did all those tricks too. Although she never bothered to actually put a lock on her phone, but it's hardly not by her side so it's almost impossible to get a hold of.

One of the few times she left it unattended back when I was actually snooping (mostly her computer), I found a full frontal nude photo of her on his bed, that he sent to her. Burned into my memory. And got the usual "why are you looking at my phone" response.

It's funny because she used to like to grab at my phone. And this woman got fiercely jealous at the idea of another woman being interested in me too. Can't make it up the double standard.

Also... it's...not that weird to bring your phone into the bathroom... *whistles*. Reading material anyone?

Chaos posted 11/27/2019 14:29 PM

ShatteredSakura - don't worry about me.

I do have a friend from Australia...

I'll drink from my glass, they'll drink from theirs.

But fear not...I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane wine.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/27/2019 14:37 PM

Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/27/2019 14:50 PM

I'll admit, I do take my phone into the bathroom, on occasion. But not every.single.time. And I also don't come running if I realize I have left it in another room...

He also has both a tablet and an iPad he uses for work. if they are not in his possession at any given moment, they are locked up with passcodes.

Sakura, I am hoping for the best for you tomorrow.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/27/2019 15:23 PM

Oh yeah she's done that too (running to it). In the end it was even more laughable, sometimes the phone would get away from her and when asking if I saw it she'd realized I was near it unattended. Sometimes she'd ask, with a guilty tone, "you didn't see anything, right?"

I've seen enough for one life at that point, and the fact you're reacting that way, you KNOW you're doing something horribly bad.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/27/2019 15:50 PM

Want to hear some real bs??? A while back, I asked him to let me see his phone and I handed him mine. He told me that as a couple, trust was important and he wouldn't dignify that request. And put my phone on the table and walked away.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/27/2019 16:15 PM

He told me that as a couple, trust was important and he wouldn't dignify that request.†

*snort* *chortle*

*starts choking*


Oh my god, what a thing to say.

Another little thing she'd do with her phone when I was around her and talking, if she was in the middle of texting him and I got too close, she'd start tilting the phone screen away from me. Numerous times I'd say, what do you think I am an idiot? I know who you're texting.

I wish I could take that phone and fling it out the window.

Before their PA when it was "just friends", there was at least a dozen times (yes! I started counting!) over the course of a year or two where we'd be in the car together and I'm talking to her, and make a joke and hear her laugh. So I'd turn to her and say oh thought that was funny eh?, and I'd be greeted with a "huh? What?". She was laughing at something he texted her and wasn't listening to me at all. That's how often she texted him, our funny moments overlapped. It happened enough to be a big pet peeve.

Edit: And it was little stuff (big hurt tho) like that I would bring up to our MC, which WW deemed to not be helpful for us with "working on our issues". That WAS the fundamental issue.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 4:21 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

PurpleHaze posted 11/27/2019 21:51 PM

I know all affairs are destructive beyond measure. An LTA to me is the worst because the lies, gaslighting, manipulation and all the rest went on for years. As an honest person, I cannot fathom the ability to lie for years to a person that loves you, cares for you, puts up with all your quirks and is still there. My H had to use a cpap for years. It was loud, and I am a light sleeper. I tolerated it because I loved him. He did work out of town so often it was only on weekends but I never complained as I knew he hated it. That is love. Being there for someone when it could be hard or keep you up at night. To find he cheated on me 17 out of 22 years is mind boggling. I am still with him for several reasons. One is financial, we don't have much for retirement and he is 67 and I am 61. I need two surgeries and possibly one more I just found out. I will always care for him and I do feel love but not near what I use to. I loved someone I thought he was, not who he is. I found out in 2017. Since 2018, he has gone out of his way to be kind, thoughtful, non defensive although that still happens at times. He goes to IC, MC and reads things to help him. He has become a better husband than ever yet it is so hard to get over years and years of infidelity. It is probably the most painful thing I have ever gone through. My first H was a cheater but also a diagnosed narcissist. It is hard to get through and I don't envy anyone here. I take it one day at a time but am not the person I use to be. I don't do all the little things I thought mattered. Now he says they mattered beyond measure and he would give anything to have that again. I now live for myself. I cherish what matters most, my children and grandchildren, the friends who have stood by me and I have realized that I am a good person who never deserved to be treated this way. Nobody deserves this at all.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/27/2019 22:06 PM

Purplehaze, mine uses a CPAP as well, and is such a bad sleeper that we have had separate bedrooms for years. Which makes me wonder, how is he suddenly ok to sleep in a bed with her??? WTF???

Sakura, I never connected the dots until now but he used to do the same thing! The sudden laughing when I didn't say anything funny...I never connected it. He's way more careful now since I sort of confronted him, but wow.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/28/2019 07:48 AM

Well we've done that plenty of times laughing out loud because of something we read, but usually when I'm laughing at something I'm reading I like to share it with her so she'll get a laugh too.

With her, it was maybe a 25% chance it was something related to him and she knew I wouldn't want to know or hear about it. But even the rest of the times when it was innocent and shareable, most of the time I'd have to ask what was so funny.

It's funny how she loved that I was so communicative in the beginning (ironic she accused of not being so anymore in the end), but I'm basically an open book with what I'm doing or how I feel, and I don't keep many secrets.

Her on the other hand has been conditioned by her mother growing up to divulge to people as little information as possible. Her mother is an overbearing dominating woman who freaks out over little things, if you ever met her you'd understand why my exWW was the way she is.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 7:54 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/28/2019 10:05 AM

Well, the day from hell has started.

ShatteredSakura posted 11/29/2019 12:23 PM

Well we had the usual nice spread yesterday: turkey, my mom's signature chestnut stuffing, spinach pie, a costco (heh) pumpkin pie. After we watched the Charlton Heston version of Ben-Hur. I even ended up bringing my 8-mo old kitten so I can stay over for a day or two.

This morning though I've been crying a bit. I feel overwhelmed with such tremendous loss and I'm missing my exWW more than I ever had. 2019 has been such a crap year w.r.t. to losing loved ones. 2020 isn't looking any brighter with how my grandmother is currently doing (very lost in alzheimers).

deephurt posted 11/29/2019 22:58 PM

Happy Thanksgiving to you Americans on this site. Iím really sorry you guys have a reason to be here and especially in this particular thread because it really is the worst place to have to be.

LTAís are a special kind of hell. I agree that itís a lifetime mind fuck. The amount of disrespect that our wayward have shown us is astounding and something I donít think I will ever get past. Iím 5 1/2 years from date and I believe I trust as much as I ever will and that is very little. I still think of it daily and feel both anger and sadness daily.

Iím in r and. I believe itís successful yet I havenít been able to make this part of our past. It feels like itís part of my present still. Wh seems to have been able to make it part of his past but he has an insane ability to compartmentalize which is why he was able to cheat and lie for so long.

There are so many similarities in the stories of most LTAís. It really shows me how there was nothing special about them at all. Itís like there really is a cheaters 101 handbook and our cheaters memorized it. I actually pointed them out to my cheater and showed him how not special anything about their ďrelationshipĒ really was.

The phone thing is literally the same with all cheaters. Keep it attached to their skin. Mine would literally flip out if I touched his phone. You would think that would have been a huge red flag to me me yet his a was so long, he always flipped out when anyone else touched his cell phone from the time he had one. Or at least as long as i can remember. So I guess I thought he was just weird about his phone. He still takes it to the washroom sometimes but itís because he plays games when he is going #2-at least now. He always has it in his pocket. Now he leaves it on the counter a lot. But it was his phone that gave away his big secret. I wish I knew a long time ago what I ended up finding out about cell phones while investigating. I would have busted him years before I did. I wish I saw all the red flags as red flags. I just trusted too much. That will never happen again. I will never overlook anything again because the trust was obliterated and it will never return to full trust again. There will always be that question in the back of my mind.

Tallgirl posted 11/30/2019 09:36 AM

Purple haze, i so get that. It can never be the same. And it is hard to look at them sometimes. I sometimes fight the urge to slap that silly smile. Reminds me of the 100s of smiling photos with her.

Shattered used the right descriptor. They have been fools.

Forgiving that is not something I have learned. It isnít that easy when most of your marriage has been a lie and crap.

Deep hurt, over five years out and you still feel the way I do.. that is impactful to read. May I ask do you regret R? Will you stay? How do you make it work for you?

I know there are many reasons to R, but frankly I am not sure I want to. Or can. I know I wonít ever forget. And I am still beyond hurt and angry. I donít want to be this way, I am not sure I can get past it with him at my side.

My hat off to those who have Ríd successfully. It is a mighty challenge.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 11/30/2019 10:34 AM

I got to thinking abut the 5 years part. I don;t think I ever fully recovered from the first d d day. We definitely rugswept and never dealt with it. Maybe because it was long distance, I never believed it would happen again. Yet here we are.

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